To be absolutely LIVID with my kids?? Do I expect too much? honesty please

[Fragmin]

So, just started a new job, 13 hour shifts, 3 days a week.

My kids are 12 and 13. Neither are special needs or have any other excuses.

I have to set off for work at 6.30am which means they have to be trusted to get themselves up (well, I wake them but they are free to lounge in bed until later with an alarm on incase they fall asleep.

Request 1 - get up and leave the house for school before 8.20am.

Now, as I don't get home until 8.30pm they kids are free to go to their grandma's house when they get home from school - however they prefer to come straight home.

Request 2 - keep the house reasonably tidy.

And, as a rare treat I told them to take £20 out of the kitty tonight for a takeaway 1, so that they could eat before I got home and 2, to save me cooking.

Request 3 - just pop into the chinese (they walk past it on the way to their favourite take-away) and grab me a portion of noodles and curry I can warm up when I get home.

So - do I ask too much? really? Because

a) DS2 decides he'd stay home from school all day and paint his skateboard. I didn't know until I got home at 8.15pm (finished early).

b) The house was an absolute tip. Sweet wrappers all over the living room floor, cushions thrown all over, pots everwhere - honestly it looked like a bunch of toddlers had been shown in and told to "go crazy". Very nice to walk into after a 13 hour shift.

c) they couldn't even be arsed to wait 5 minutes in the chinese for my tea. Got themselves theirs of course, spent the money I left them then fucked off home leaving me with nothing for my tea.

Maybe it's because I had a particularly hard day at work but I'm so angry I could cry.

At 13 I worked from 9.30-6.30 sat and sun in a coffee shop, washing dishes and clearing tables. By 14 I was serving customers and working after school as well a couple of days a week, during summer I worked full time hours. I also got up at 5 am to deliver milk and collected the money each Friday night.

OP is not being unreasonable. However, the kids do need a firmer hand. It is hard. Yes, they could be up to anything. I realise times have changed and that most business will not now employ under 16's, and it is unlikely that they could get after school jobs. However, OP, you could offer monetary rewards for chores as this is a good way of getting the kids into the habit of doing something for themselves. I take it at their age they get some cash spending money. Well, maybe its about time they learnt that life ain't free. Perhaps if you told them that they would get an allowance based on their behaviour/responsibilities they might be more willing. A "contract" of behaviour might sound a bit strange but has been known to work. My 16YO gets a bursary, but if she fails to attend school it gets cut, at the moment she has 100% attendance -1 (for sports day).

Think about how much you are willing to give them and portion it out, so much for XY and Z. It really does work, I have studied rewards in my degree for psychology under Dave Leiberman @ Stirling Uni. The book is called Learning and Memory, (by David Leiberman) and makes excellent reading. The caveat is that the rewards have to be timely, so make sure you have the cash in your pocket when you get home.

NarkedRaspberry - she got a reputation - but girls with working mothers and sahm do sometimes get reputations - it isn't to do with whether you have a working mother or a sahm though.

Also I'm a cm and have a 12 year old mindee and will keep looking after him til mum is confident enough to leave him, some cm look after children upto 16.

One of my friends was on her own from school until 8pm from the age of 11, including looking after her sister who was five years younger. Their mother wished desperately it could be different, but that's just the way it was. My friend cooked dinner for all of them and helped her sister with homework, got her ready for bed, etc.

I don't think YABU but clearly they can't handle it. I would make them get up and dressed at 6 and then go to their granny's after school until they decide they're trustworthy.

And it's just as likely that a dc of a SAHM will get into things they shouldn't unless they are never allowed out of the house alone.

It may be a hypothetical question for the op compos but I do the same thing that you disagree with and have no family nearby, what should I do?

Seriously, what would you suggest?
Do you have teenage DCs?
What do you do?

It does tend to link up with low self esteem and something changing/tensions within the family.

I know it could happen to the child of a SAHM etc. I just think that, in general, life is about managing risk. We can't keep them locked up to protect them from every danger. When we do have an easy safer option available though, I'd go for it. They're capable of getting up and going to school, cleaning, cooking etc, but when you've got someone willing to have them, afternoon/early evening supervision makes sense.

@Bogey haha Im such a fanny LOL but you got my intention

But what if you do not have someone on hand to supervise?

Compos It isnt hypothetical at all.

What do I do when I am working and my 11 year old will be too young to be left according to MN (only 6 months away) but too old for afterschool clubs?

Tell me what to do! I would love an easy solution to this because other than have her at home alone, or occasionally with my (as she will be) 15 year old and ring every hour hoping for the best, I dont know what other options there are!

My 15 year old plays her sport at national level so is out most days after school training btw, so cant be used as unpaid childcare. I cant afford a nanny and cant afford to not work.

Will you be leaving them for 14 hours a day?

bogeyface - I got mine to join as many after school clubs as possible - this meant there was an extra hour on the school day and then it takes my dd an hour nearly to get home as she has to catch a couple of buses. So dd was getting in at 5.20 ish and settling down to do homework.

My only other option would be a student/au pair. Spare bedroom in exchange for babysitting after school

Not hypothetical for me either.

As I think I said upthread, mine are at home from 7.30am-7pm ish (at school 8.15 to 3.45) 5 days a week.

That is if you have a spare room of course

And it technically isn't 14 hours a day, they are at school.

If it were every day that would be one thing, but three days a week isn't too bad IMO.

I know a few parents who think they're wonderful because they "are so involved" and do everything for and with their DC, but I disagree. It's our job to raise our children to care for themselves.

I dont have a spare bedroom, and that school doesnt do afterschool clubs anymore. They have an extra lessons thing for kids that are struggling in certain subjects instead, (which DD1 goes to for one subject) but DD2 will not need to go to.

What else is there?

One of my school friends was left from 6am til 8pm and when her mum came home from work she'd turned into a Rubber plant-fact.

In fact i think that's why most houses in the 70's had Rubber plants in them, they once were latch key children-fact.

OMG we had a rubber tree plant - I didn't know it was once a latch ket kid. We got it in Coventry

What else is there?

I am looking after a 9 month baby a few times here and there - as mum does early shift a 6.30am start. So hope she will be happy to return favour for some days that I have left in summer.
swapping and good neigbhours is mostly all I can think of

@bogey If your 11 YO displays "gillick competence" then she will be fine to be left on her own. Before I became a CM I did a lot of investigation into leaving children unsupervised, as I worked FT and had no real options. (i didn't actually find any long term options, hence me quitting my job and becoming a CM) In Scotland, there is no minimum age, you just have to, if challenged, prove that your child is capable of looking after themselves for the amount of time you are leaving them. I have been known to nip to the shop leaving my 8YO on her own for 10-15 mins, and although some might think so, this is not against the law. I think an hour or so for an 11 YO is not out the way.

And it technically isn't 14 hours a day, they are at school

I was talking aobut the holidays and anyway the eldest kid isn't going to school.

I should add that my DC's went to an after school club but it was closed due to budget cuts

Mrsrigby- you should worry about your future DILs getting I'll and ending up in hospital because they'd have to be certifiable to marry mummy's boys like yours.

I'd be hurt and mad about them not getting me the noodles. There you are slaving away to support them and that is all the thanks you get?
The rest is normal, tell them off and make them go to their grandmother's until they can earn the privileged of being trusted home alone.
My brother and I may have wreaked the house, but we made sure the evidence was gone before my mom came home. My mom was a horrible nag though, it was torture( to hear her, maybe that put the fire under out butts not to leave any mess?

PS My in-laws came here for a while when I was working and my son was at a similar age, too old for a babysitter, to young for me to want him alone when dh and I worked at at same time. It worked out well, all three liked the arrangement. I should say all 4 liked it, as the dog was very well cared for by them too!