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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want everyone waiting for me in the hospital during labour?

136 replies

BambieO · 13/06/2012 12:37

I feel like I am some kind of unreasonable DIL for not wanting people waiting outside the door for me to give birth.

I know people are excited etc but I hate feeling so suffocated and knowing that I am on a 'clock' and people are waiting for me. I just want some time after with my baby and to have a shower etc and for DH to bond. People are making me feel like it is unreasonable and I should feel guilty like I am punishing them/being awkward.

Just to be clear this is not an IL thread as I have said exactly the same to my DM and have made it clear I want both mums to meet outside if they like and come in together so one doesn't meet the baby ahead of the other etc.

My DM has agreed and said no problem but DH's family seem insistent that they are waiting outside regardless. I just feel like this always happens to us, our wishes never count for anything but then that attitude makes me feel like maybe I sound like a spoilt brat.

We thought to not tell people we are in labour but I really want the option of being able to call my mum if I am frightened/excited/just wanting to and I don't see why I shouldn't do that as she has agreed to wait for the news at home?

Please tell me AIBU? It is my PFB but I just really want to try BF (have no issue with formula though Grin ) and have a shower and pull myself together but most importantly spend time with my baby before people want to take her off of me and tell me I am doing everything wrong

Ok - let the flaming commence haha

OP posts:
Sinkingfeeling · 13/06/2012 12:40

YANBU - but couldn't you just not let anyone know you're in labour and let your dh announce the birth by phone afterwards?

SpottyTeacakes · 13/06/2012 12:40

YANBU tell your IL not to come until they're invited. They won't be allowed in the labour ward anyway and will have to wait until visiting hours to come onto the postnatal ward.

ajandjjmum · 13/06/2012 12:40

I'm afraid that I would phone your DM and tell her, as she has agreed to your request - and I wouldn't tell the PIL. And if there was hassle afterwards, I would tell them why.

How rude for anyone to dictate what they will do when you're in labour! Shock

NoobytheWaspSlayer · 13/06/2012 12:40

YANBU - just don't tell them when you go into labour!

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 13/06/2012 12:43

flaming? isn't chargrilling your ils a leetle bit illegal?

Iggly · 13/06/2012 12:43

YANBU

With DS, our first, we didn't tell anyone until DS was born. With DD we had to tell as they looked after DS but they were great.

You could explain that you might have a stop start labour, might not go into hospital at first, might have a long labour. Tell them first labours last ages and you won't be in a fit state to see anyone. Say they'll be the first to get a call when baby arrives.

Make sure your DH backs you up on this.

scentednappyhag · 13/06/2012 12:44

My family were exactly the same, I have a very similar thread under an old name change!
In the end though, I went into hospital at midnight, and MIL didn't turn up after all- even after 7 months of insisting she would and that I want her there even if I didn't realise it now Hmm
Just stick to your guns. The midwives will not let anyone in anyway, so you're safe Grin don't let people ruin this for you, at the end of the day, it's what you want that matters.
Good luck Smile

Iggly · 13/06/2012 12:44

And YANBU to ringing your mum. She's your mum

Original poster
BambieO · 13/06/2012 12:45

Thank you all for the quick replies, I did consider telling my DM and not anyone else, maybe that is the way to go?

Spottyteacakes - Thank you for this, it puts my mind at ease although they have said they will even wait in the car Hmm.

I dont mind this as I wont know but I still need them to understand no one is coming in until my DM arrives, she shouldn't be last just because she has to come from home if that is what I have asked her to do or is that me being a bit over-sensitive?

OP posts:
accountantsrule · 13/06/2012 12:47

YANBU as it is up to you but I am close to parents and in-laws and both mums were in the waiting room with DS1 waiting as I had elective c-sec. As soon as I came out of the lift from theatre I was really happy to see them.

With DS1 mum was with me whilst I was in labour and MIL came as soon as I had him, she didn't wait in the waiting room as I was in labour all night and had him at 6am. As it happened he was in intensive care so she met us there straight away.

We appreciated the support but its noone elses choice other than yours and I totally agree, DH needs to back you up as well.

HappyCamel · 13/06/2012 12:47

YANBU, just don't mention that you are in labour. It would be crazy for anyone to wait in hospital, you might wind up with a long labour and c section or you might be like me and sent home after 4 hours because the postnatal ward is full. Why can't they meet the baby once you are at home and comfortable?

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 13/06/2012 12:47

behaviour has consequences. if they will not respect your wishes and not come to the hospital then you do not tell them that you have gone into labour. your mum on the other hand is being respectful and caring so no need to "punish" her for your ils behavoiur.

now you have to find the balls to carry it out and plenty of Hmm s if they have a paddy. treat them like a tantrumming toddler and repeat ad nauseum... you would not agree to respect our wishes so you were not informed.

MrsGaff · 13/06/2012 12:47

They won't be allowed in the labour ward anyway, especially if you make it very clear to the midwifes that are attending to you...

and then they won't be allowed on the post-natal ward until official visiting time, so don't worry about it.

accountantsrule · 13/06/2012 12:48

I am not sure why it matters who's first or last, you ILs are you DHs parents so surely it doesn't matter really?

ImperialBlether · 13/06/2012 12:49

No you're not unreasonable! I wouldn't have had my ILs visiting before my mum.

What's up with them, waiting in the car for the baby to be born? It's like Rosemary's Baby!

CupsofTeaAndHandfulsOfCake · 13/06/2012 12:51

YANBU. I would be very annoyed with this.
If it was me I would love to ring them and say I was in labour when I wasn't and snigger to myself whilst at home, eating biscuits in my pajamas, thinking of them waiting outside the hospital in the rain for 48 hours for no reason.

Original poster
BambieO · 13/06/2012 12:51

Thanks Accountantsrule, that is so lovely and I can see exactly why you were pleased to see them.

Sorry if this constitutes drip-feeding but just want to add the reason I don't want anyone waiting is mainly because I am worried my DH will be pushed out, both DM's are quite strong characters and I just want him to have some time as well as me to find his feet. It is also because I want to ensure I can latch on properly as I really want to BF (although am aware not everyone can and I may not be lucky enough to be able to) and I really don't want to be sitting there feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable, I would much rather have a shower and pull myself together ready to face the world Smile

I will be so thrilled to see them all but hopefully after I have gathered myself and DH and we are settled again after the labour madness.

OP posts:
xDivAx · 13/06/2012 12:51

YANBU I had a similar situation to this when I had my PFB last year! Although the rude and insensitive one was my own father and I was having a ELCS due to breach baby. I asked people not to come to the hospital and everyone agreed apart from my father and his wife who made it all about them, phoned me in the hospital the day after my surgery and DS was born having a pop and put me in fits of tears. Then caused an argument the first time he came to see his grandson.

Stick to your guns, this is your baby, your labour and your choice, not theirs!

ErikNorseman · 13/06/2012 12:51

YANBU! What a ridiculous idea. And having both grandmas meet outside so one didn't see the baby before the other - really? Is that the kind of thing your DM and MIL care about? Confused

Original poster
BambieO · 13/06/2012 12:51

cupsoftea that is BRILLIANT! Haha I may try that!

OP posts:
DailyMailSpy · 13/06/2012 12:52

Yanbu, just don't tell anyone when you're in labour :)

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 13/06/2012 12:53

accountantsrule of course it matters, the ILs may well be DH's parents, but it's not her DH that will have just pushed a baby out of his cock, is it? Or, heaven forbid, she may be rushed for surgery.

I remember crying for my mam during my labour, I certainly wasn't crying for my MIL.

memphis83 · 13/06/2012 12:54

Most labour wards wouldnt let visitors on the labout ward anyway, so tell them this, my DH and DM were with me while I was in labour, no one else was allowed in and then I was moved to the Maternity unit and they my mum had to leave as it wasn't in visiting times, we were also only allowed two visitors per visiting time, no swapping and changing. Maybe ask your MW what your local hospital rules are and hopefully that will be your way of keeping them at arm length until you are ready for visitors.

Noqontrol · 13/06/2012 12:55

Don't tell them until afterwards. I didn't tell anyone. Can't imagine why you would take the time to ring people when you're in labour, you've got other things on your mind at the time anyway!!

BegoniaBigtoes · 13/06/2012 12:56

God yes, just don't tell them. I'm grateful my mum was nowhere near during either of my labours, but she was such a nightmare by phone the first time round, the second time we just didn't tell anyone. I had an elective CS and lied about the date so I could have a couple of days' peace before all the fuss started.

My mum also tries to keep track of MIL and her visits and keep tabs on who sees more of the DGCs/saw them first etc. Hmm