To not want everyone waiting for me in the hospital during labour?

[BambieO]

I feel like I am some kind of unreasonable DIL for not wanting people waiting outside the door for me to give birth.

I know people are excited etc but I hate feeling so suffocated and knowing that I am on a 'clock' and people are waiting for me. I just want some time after with my baby and to have a shower etc and for DH to bond. People are making me feel like it is unreasonable and I should feel guilty like I am punishing them/being awkward.

Just to be clear this is not an IL thread as I have said exactly the same to my DM and have made it clear I want both mums to meet outside if they like and come in together so one doesn't meet the baby ahead of the other etc.

My DM has agreed and said no problem but DH's family seem insistent that they are waiting outside regardless. I just feel like this always happens to us, our wishes never count for anything but then that attitude makes me feel like maybe I sound like a spoilt brat.

We thought to not tell people we are in labour but I really want the option of being able to call my mum if I am frightened/excited/just wanting to and I don't see why I shouldn't do that as she has agreed to wait for the news at home?

Please tell me AIBU? It is my PFB but I just really want to try BF (have no issue with formula though ) and have a shower and pull myself together but most importantly spend time with my baby before people want to take her off of me and tell me I am doing everything wrong

Ok - let the flaming commence haha

open, SIL wanted your dh there then thats ok, as its up to the mum to decide whos her birthing partner for your dh to attempt to decide that for you is outragious.

The thing is, as a woman in labour, your oew mother will want to be there as a means of support to you in your labour.

Mil...well, I imagine she will want to be there to either 1-support dh or 2-have the kudos of being first with grandchild.

Much as I love my MIL, I know I wouldnt be her top priority during labour, and I think as the baby has the MWs and docs to take care of it, I should have someone as a birthing partner who is 100% there for me.

Both my mother and mother in law were with me during my labour. The mw alerted me to the fact that I neeeded to get my mil to leave when we got to bare bottom stage, as she could tell I was uncomfortable. I asked the mw to ask my mother to leave as the delivery started.

Points I wanted to make: (1) The mw was on my side. They'll help you if anything arises. (2) I cannot now even remember when my mother or my mother in law saw the baby. Clearly my mother was just outside the door when she was born but what happened next, I don't know! Presumably she came in and saw her that night, don't know if mil did or not.

My cherished memories are of DH arriving, and having dd to look after while I went for some stitches, of DH coming up to the ward with me and saying goodnight, and of the first night with the baby, learning to bf and cuddle together.

You will see from my story that we have different sorts of family dynamic, and I wasn't happy with the way the whole "tag team grandparents birthing partners" situation arose. BUT - whatever nonsense does transpire, it may well all be fine.

I was induced with dc4, so had no chance of keeping it secret, if I had wanted to. My hospital did allow visitors on the labour ward (but not on the delivery suite) and I had my mum and mil with me all day, during early labour. They were both really sweet and helpful, so I wouldn't have had the heart to turf them out, but if I am brutally honest, I really wasn't in the mood to be sociable.

I think you do have to make clear to your hospital that if they do allow visitors on the labour ward, then you don't want people other than your dh being allowed in.

Our delivery suite was inaccessible to visitors (doors to ward were locked and you had to be buzzed in), but we were taken through the hospital waiting area to get back on the post natal wards. If your hospital has a similar layout, then you would be unable to avoid them on your way to the post natal ward.

I think you would do best to a) not tell ILs you are in labour and b) make it very clear to staff and on your birth plan that you want no visitors just being allowed in.

I think you are going to have to worry less, about causing offence or being blunt in your speech, because from the sounds of it your mil isn't worrying too much about causing offence to you.

Haven't read the whole thread, but would say:

• up to you who you want there. The MW will back you up and evict extra people. If they then want to go and sit in the car (paying a fortune in parking fees!) fine, but that it is frankly weird and you shouldn't worry about them

• if you don't put your foot down and have things how you want them - as far as possible! - during the birth, what is it going to be like raising your baby? Start as you mean to go on. It's your baby, your body, your rules

I had DH with me when I gave birth, my mum came in about five minutes after I delivered and DS was whisked off to SCBU. My MiL - who I get on well with - to this day comments how she "missed everything because it happened so quickly" (DH called her when I went in, but it was a quick delivery and she doesn't live locally). I have never asked what she intended to do, but there's no way she would have been anywhere near the delivery room.

Good luck

It's tough always trying to be a peacemaker, isn't OP!?

In your position, I would do as others have suggested and just not tell the ILs until after the baby is born, and you are ready to see them. If you want to tell your mum, do so without being made to fel guilty.

Stuff like this really gets on my nerves. It is not a 'competition' to see who can grab the baby first or who waits the longest and nibbles fingernails the most to prove who will love the baby best. Thank goodness my ILs are not like yours, what a nightmare, but an all too common one.

It is your body which is going to labour and push out a baby and feel the effects afterwards, no one elses, and you have every right to do that in peace and with whoever you wish present. If you want your mum during labour or birth, so be it (I did). People saying MIL has as much 'right' as DM to be there are looking at it the wrong way- the people OP wants there and who care about OP, not just themselves, have more 'right'.

I know it's hard to know that someone will be upset, but here you have a choice- ILs or you? This time, you must put yourself and your DH and your new baby first. You will never get those first precious hours back, so stick to your guns and do it your way. And good luck :)

well my first Labour lasted 59hours and 2 hospitals i finally had her at 23.57 no visitors until 11 am the next day, so that would have been 70? hours waiting in the car out side. [ you may want to tell them to bring some sandwiches OP (disclaimer- mine was a crap labour yours will be very swift and smooth )

Thank you all for your kind words. I am so excited to meet my baby I suppose nothing will get me down, I just have to speak to DH tomorrow (not a good idea on football night ) and let him know exactly how I feel and why I want that time to ourselves and we can decide as a unit to either not let them know or let them know and make it perfectly clear that if they turn up uninvited they will have a very long wait, even longer than if they had just let us be for a while

I get on well with my Mum usually but she drove me up the wall in the run up to DS being born - calling, emailing, texting at least 3 times a day. I think she was worried we wouldn't tell her when we went into hospital, despite assurances we would.

I found out I was being induced a couple of days early and called my Dad (couldn't get hold of Mum) to let them know, and to tell them we'd call if there was news and on no account for Mum to start calling the hospital - I found out from my sister that she'd looked up the number.

My husband called much, much later to let them know I was having an emergency section. My parents then managed to arrange things so they 'just happened' to be driving past the hospital (it was between their caravan and home - I'd been wondering why they suddenly needed to have a caravan holiday just before my due date when Mum had been so hellbent on calling all the time). So, they stopped off along the way and Mum tried to get into the ward when I was in recovery.

Luckily I'd mentioned to the midwife that Mum had been a pain in the arse in the run up, otherwise I'm a bit worried that she might have gotten in.

That was 4 weeks ago - I haven't said anything to her because after DS was born I wasn't in the mood for an argument about it, and in the end she didn't get it.

It still annoys me when I think about it though - my Mum for trying to pull a stunt like that, and my Dad for not sticking to what I'd told him to - he would have gone apeshit if my Gran had stuck her nose in like that.

I'd had shitloads of IVF and pregnancy losses and it's likely DS will be my only, and I especially didn't want people turning up unexpectedly to muscle in!

So, long story short, don't tell anyone, and don't feel bad about it either. Your birth, not your MIL's, and you get to call the shots. You'll remember whatever happens forever!

Bambie, you have been as nice as you possibly can to your MIL in explaining your wishes. She now no longer deserves the respect of being treated equally to others as she is hellbent on ignoring your wishes.

As somebody else said upthread, this is probably a hint of the way she will grandparent. Has she asked/told you when she is going to take the baby out on her own yet?

re MIL and labour.... mine told me that when "your DIL has a baby, of course it's exciting" and when "your own daughter has a baby it's just that bit more special and you worry much more". Tact and empathy are not her strong points.

Bambie, if you dont want anyone there but DH, it's your choice. just dont tell anyone you are in labour, it's much the easiest way.

and if they are on the phone/text 3 times a day in the run-up to the birth, start not answering now so that they get used to you not being constantly available!