To not want everyone waiting for me in the hospital during labour?

[BambieO]

I feel like I am some kind of unreasonable DIL for not wanting people waiting outside the door for me to give birth.

I know people are excited etc but I hate feeling so suffocated and knowing that I am on a 'clock' and people are waiting for me. I just want some time after with my baby and to have a shower etc and for DH to bond. People are making me feel like it is unreasonable and I should feel guilty like I am punishing them/being awkward.

Just to be clear this is not an IL thread as I have said exactly the same to my DM and have made it clear I want both mums to meet outside if they like and come in together so one doesn't meet the baby ahead of the other etc.

My DM has agreed and said no problem but DH's family seem insistent that they are waiting outside regardless. I just feel like this always happens to us, our wishes never count for anything but then that attitude makes me feel like maybe I sound like a spoilt brat.

We thought to not tell people we are in labour but I really want the option of being able to call my mum if I am frightened/excited/just wanting to and I don't see why I shouldn't do that as she has agreed to wait for the news at home?

Please tell me AIBU? It is my PFB but I just really want to try BF (have no issue with formula though ) and have a shower and pull myself together but most importantly spend time with my baby before people want to take her off of me and tell me I am doing everything wrong

Ok - let the flaming commence haha

Absolutely just don't tell them. If they are unqble to respect the wished of other adults then they don't get the information.

You are right that your DH needs time with the baby too, before everyone else jumps in wanting cuddles.

I get that GPs are excited but they do get a bit ridiculous sometimes.

I was in labour for 4 days. The only people that knew were our neighbours as they were looking after the cat for us. I didn't want people sat at home or worse, turning up at the hospital so they didn't get a call until afterwards.

I always find it strange on OBEM when they have lots of people in with them. There is no way I wanted anyone other than DH to see me in that state. Legs up in stirrups while being stitched up with MIL looking on? Not for me!

YANBU

Might be worth checking with your hospital what the policy is regarding visitors. Mine only allowed a few visitors at a time, during specific hours, and only once mum and child were in the maternity ward. Definitely no visitors in the labour room, unless they were birth partners.

If you're lucky, your hospital has similar rules and you can avoid any arguments with the family.

DH and I must be superselfish. I had an ELCS with DD, but we didnt tell anyone the date, told everyone a day later and asked for no hospital visits, no home visits and to be left alone for a week, after which people could come if they wanted. None of our family minded at all and were all happy to wait an come when we were ready. And my family can be difficult.

If I can get away with that, your requirement to be left alone for a couple of hours is more than reasonable. Its such a special time.

Absolutely aghast at the stories on here with people sneaking in the ward (I would be worried about the baby's security if that happened) and snatching the baby before the mother has held it. What is wrong with people?

If my in laws had waited outside, as one of them had suggested, they'd have waited three days :)

Yanbu. Tell just your mum and not the others.

Heavens YANBU!! Do not tell them when you go in!

You need to put your foot down now as IME being invaded with unwelcome visitors shortly after birth is a deeply shit experience . Not that I hold it against everyone 6 years on, oh no.

You must call the shots here! We let everyone know when I'd gone to the hospital and then rang again when the baby was born, or in fact the day after with eldest as she was born at 11.30pm. Then if you'd rather people viited when your home, say so!

YANBU, we didn't ring family till the birth was iminent (by which time I had been in hospital in labour for about 12 hours) because I didn't want people to start calling asking "is it out yet!"

waiting at the hospital is a stupid idea for non birth partners, it can go on for days, WHERE do they wait? in the seats by the main door in the draft? there isn't old fashioned father's waiting rooms on labour wards any more! Canteens are not always open 24 hours

YANBU

Sorry haven't read whole thread. Don't do what my naive DH did and phone 24 hours into labour to say "well it can't be much longer and as you're an hour away you should prob set off now".

By the time the ILs had been waiting for pfb (and more importantly THEIR first gc!) for another 14 hours, hospital policy and the fact that the room still looked like a blood bath (Sorry TMI) couldn't stop them appearing in my room.

meglet Only nine years of bitterness here!

I'm a bit miffed that we HAVE to tell as soon as I go into labour someone this time as someone will have to come and look after DS

with your first baby you don't need to tell anyone you're in labour unless you want to

I'm amazed at these grandparents-to-be who can't seem to remember when they were in labour! I say this as a grandmother and MIL too. But I know that when I had my dcs, easy as the births were, the last thing I'd have wanted was an expectant audience waiting for me to bring the show to a conclusion. It brings the sort of pressure that you don't need at this time and I can't help but imagine a collection of relatives all sitting there with score cards ready to award you 6.5 or whatever...

When ddil had dgd, she was induced the day before and not a lot happened. Her and ds2 asked the two Expectant Grandmothers (we live locally) to spend some of that long day with them so we took turns. But both of us went home by 6pm with ds2 promising to update us through the night. By early morning, it was clear that ddil would need a CS and at that point, ds2 phoned and said that if I wanted to get up in a fairly leisurely fashion and potter over to the hospital, he hoped I'd be a grandmother by the time I got there. So I did. And had a joyous introduction - but not before ddil and ds2 had had some precious time with their beautiful little daughter and the chance for ddil to recover a bit.

YANBU OP in just wanting to give birth without any pressure and without a crowd of people outside.

Didn´t even occur to us that we would tell anyone until after tbh.

With second we wouldn´t have told anyone had we not needed someone to look after PFB.

Mum was ill, Dad didn´t want to leave her, so I phoned ILs.

MIL-"I´ve just put a casserole in the oven-what should I do with it-oh, I can´t think, I´ll put FIL on."

FIL-"OK-we´ll come over-what time will you need us till?"

Thank you Pandemoniaa, it's nice to have a MIL perspective and it's nice to see you consider your DIL to be dear to you

I know everyone is so excited and I want our baby to have all the love every single one of them has to offer. I just want a bit of time to pull myself together and more so let my DH have his precious moments while I shower etc.

I just don't want him to feel out of his depth surrounded by DM's/IL's (mine and his) and feel like he is scared to put a foot wrong/hold the baby or even just have a good old blub if he wants to!

Well, you and DH are absolutely entitled to that precious time alone with your baby, so don't worry about keeping quiet :)

I had this from my IL and spoke to my MW who put a note down and assured me no-one would be allowed in without my say so.

I actually don't think they had any intention of turning up in the end it was more about control and making it about them which continued for a while afterwards. They had DH in tears next day as he wasn't in constant phone contact because he was in hospital arranging to get us home ffs. I had a friend have similar with her parents again she had months of hassle again seem to be about control and about it being first grandchild.

Do get your DH on side with your wishes.

Mine didn't phone anyone till after as I wanted but DSis now ex rang his entire family who them camped out in her house. Not one could take her to hospital or do anything else useful so my parents ended up having to take her and then rest of his family camped out in the waiting room and he was more concerned them than her.

OP are you me? i could of written the same post, im due on monday and from day 1 my mum has been demanding that she come to the hospital with us, when i made it very clear that i didnt want her in the room with us she accepted that she'd just wait downstairs in the waiting room, ive told her numerous times she could be there for a few days, nobody knows. she will still turn up regardless of what i say, mil on the other hand doesnt want to come to the hospital (where id prefer her to have strict visiting hours to adhere to) instead shes planning on coming over the first few days to "help out". no doubt itll be the usual of wanting to hold the baby while i make her a cuppa.

i dont want anyone to come to the hospital i want to be able to give birth, relax with new baby and dp then get a shower then think about facing everyone, so this is what i intend to do.... if they still want to wait, then let them, as someone else said the midwives wont let anyone come in if you say so, its your body, your baby and your first meeting. yes there excited that their child has had a baby i can understand that, but they have to remember what it was like when they gave birth themselves and be a bit less selfish!

Pandemoniaa you sound lovely, can you be my mil please

"WHERE do they wait?"

Apparently in the corridors outside the labour ward. So DSis ex went in and out the labour wards to tell them what was going on. Just what you want in a birth partner disappearing off for god know how long.

What is all this tell your own mum and that's it, why the he'll can't an expectant DH give his mum a quick call for support, are men supposed to be so emotionally detached from their own mothers once they get married, it's mad.

I would never dream of telling my DH that he can't tell him mum something, madness.

I'm not saying the OP has suggested this but some other posters drive me crazy suggesting such a thing.

OP, when labour kicks in you won't care if Prince Charles is sat outside dressed in a monkey suit and if both mothers are nightmares then just quietly slope off to the hospital and voila baby is here and no time to call.

Ah good luck Vix. Good for you for being so strong, I will take a leaf out of your book

Any time, Vix

But I seriously can't understand why prospective grandmothers seem reluctant to give their dds and ddils the privacy that they surely wanted themselves when in labour. As my own dm said before my ds1 was born "It's not a theatre workshop, it's one of the most magical and private times of your life. So ring me when I'm needed". It seemed such sound advice that I followed it!

Haha thanks IkilledIP

I think everyone was just trying to be kind and let me know that I could speak to my DM if I wanted to without having to speak to absolutely everyone.

Lots of DH's are just as close to their DM's as we are I am sure, I am very close to my MIL too I just don't want either there in my case but i'm sure plenty would love both there

Note to self - stop trying to be a peacekeeper all the time

IkilledIgglePiggle well said! DH was very close to his DM but she has passed away now. I would never have said it was ok for my mum and not his, equal in my eyes but thats only my opinion.

I am all for people having what they want though, parents or no parents but it has to be fair on both sides I think.

It's not about the grandmothers, or fairness, or turns. Giving birth isn't a spectator sport, and the new parents have more pressing concerns than the distribution of viewing rights.

Men are perfectly entitled to remain close to their mothers. What they are not entitled to do is allow the demands of their families to overrule the wishes, privacy and medical care of the labouring woman.

I dont think anyone is suggesting the OPs mum has more right to be there than MIL just because it is her mum, but that anyone who disregards the wishes of the labouring woman has no right to be there.

In this case, if the problem was the OPs mum and her MIL was being fine about it then I would guess that most people would say to not tell her mum until afterwards, but to ring her MIL.