To not want everyone waiting for me in the hospital during labour?

[BambieO]

I feel like I am some kind of unreasonable DIL for not wanting people waiting outside the door for me to give birth.

I know people are excited etc but I hate feeling so suffocated and knowing that I am on a 'clock' and people are waiting for me. I just want some time after with my baby and to have a shower etc and for DH to bond. People are making me feel like it is unreasonable and I should feel guilty like I am punishing them/being awkward.

Just to be clear this is not an IL thread as I have said exactly the same to my DM and have made it clear I want both mums to meet outside if they like and come in together so one doesn't meet the baby ahead of the other etc.

My DM has agreed and said no problem but DH's family seem insistent that they are waiting outside regardless. I just feel like this always happens to us, our wishes never count for anything but then that attitude makes me feel like maybe I sound like a spoilt brat.

We thought to not tell people we are in labour but I really want the option of being able to call my mum if I am frightened/excited/just wanting to and I don't see why I shouldn't do that as she has agreed to wait for the news at home?

Please tell me AIBU? It is my PFB but I just really want to try BF (have no issue with formula though ) and have a shower and pull myself together but most importantly spend time with my baby before people want to take her off of me and tell me I am doing everything wrong

Ok - let the flaming commence haha

OP I think you need to talk to MIL yourself and not just 'sneak' out of this situation. You need to feel confident she will listen to and respect you and not somehow turn up at the 11th hour, otherwise you will be worrying about that during the birth.

A way to do this might be to enlist her own feelings as a mother. You could say 'I'm worried that DH won't get much time with the baby and it's really important to me that he gets to hold his pfb first and I know it will mean so much to him. That's why I'm not going to call you until after he has had chance to bond.'

This makes it less a competition between you and her and more a collaboration helping your DH into fatherhood. And is also true.

Of course if a laboring woman wants her mum there that is more than fine and normal BUT the new father is allowed to call his mum with an update if he wants, if HE wants, most labors are so drawn out that in most cases there will be five minuets to give a quick call.

My DH was beaming when our babies were born, he couldn't wait to show his parents, who am I to deny him that.

FWIW I had my DM there for the birth of DS1......let's just say she wasn't invited for 2&3.......she actually said to me at one point whilst I was mooing in agony 'if you think it hurts now wait until it really starts'......and I love my mum, we are close.

if the OP wanted her FIL and not her own mother there then that is the only person with any sort of vague "right"

there is no hierarchy of rights other than who the mother wants to help HER at the time

IKilledIgglePiggle The issue though is that if MIL is told OP is in labour, she will head straight for the hospital. If the only way to stop her showing up at an unwanted time (ie during the birth) is not to tell her that OP is in labour then so be it.

IKilledIgglePiggle, the OP's issue isn't that she wants to stop her DH sharing information and fatherly pride with his family. The problem is that they have categorically said that they will turn up at the hospital despite OP and DH asking them not to, and OP fears that the family will then barge their way into the delivery room - an understandable fear, given that they have declared their intentions of trampling all over the wishes of OP and DH.

If the family could be relied upon to give the new parents the small amount of privacy they ask for , then it would be reasonable to keep them informed. As they have effectively said that they'll do what they want and sod the wishes of the new parents, it's easier to tell them when the OP and DH are ready .

I started a v similar thread a few years ago because DH wanted his actual brother to be a backup birth partner and the best bit of advice I got was to ask DH if (excuse me being crude for a second) he would mind if my sister came over and watched him next time he went for a shit.

He went pale and agreed that maybe he hadn't thought through all the angles yet.

Stick to your guns and seriously, if you get any disagreement from your DH, run that idea past him.

Also, don't tell them when you go into labour. It's kinder for all of you. We did with DS and all our relatives were in the edge of their seats. With DD, we phoned them well after I was back in bed, eating toast.

Thank you all for your continuing comments, I am so grateful I really am.

It is still playing on my mind although I know I am probably being over sensitive now.

I spoke to MIL yesterday and mentioned that I would be gathering myself before visitors and I got the same response of 'if you say no I am coming anyway' so I just went back and politely said not to worry and no one was coming not my family either and we just wanted time to feed and get settled as a unit of three rather than two as normal and would then have people up as soon as we are settled. I didn't get a response and left it at that.

Although I am glad I have stated our wishes in a nice, hopefully non-offensive way I am still worried that it won't be respected. I really don't want to upset anyone especially DMIL but I just really want all of our relationships with the new addition to start off well and me harbouring ill feeling for feeling like our special time was intruded upon is never a good start.

I think we will definitely have to just keep quiet until we are ready and settled for visitors

Definitely don't tell them then, not until you're ready for visitors. I am that they would still take the attitude of 'we're coming anyway' despite you making your wishes clear. I just can't imagine wanting to intrude on someone like that, knowing I wouldn't be welcome, surely no normal person would dream of doing it!

They're the ones being rude, selfish and unreasonable, not you!

YANBU,

i personally think anybody inviting themselves to a labour without being asked is being compleatly un reasonable no matter who they are (yes even the dad). untill such time as the baby is actually born then the whole labour thing is all about you if your not comfortable or are stressed out then things can go very wrong. the only people that should be there are ones you know you need there otherwise tell them to bugger off and you will call them when its ok for them to visit you.

you shouldnt feel forced or obliged to have anybody there and you need to make sure that if you do want someone there then its the right person for you, this could be the dad or a friend or a relative or just a paid professional what ever you think is right for you. and nobody but nobody has the right to insist or question this.

i wanted my best friend (female) there with me but the dad kicked off and insisted it should be him and nobody else i was very uncomfortable with this and i spent 4 hours feeling unsupported and like i was taking care of his needs rather than having my needs met he then refused to leave the hospital afterwards despite me delivering in the middle of the night (the actual birth moment was not to bad as i used a pool and was able to ignore him) and proceded to fall asleep in my bed whilst i spent the night sat in a chair feeling wrecked, they were going to discharge me that morning but as i was driving myself and they knew i hadnt slept at all they moved me to the post ward so i could get some sleep and tried to tactfully send him home but still he wouldnt leave so i ended up discharging myself and getting a taxi home where i was then met by all my il's who stayed for 6 hours and expected me to cater for them.then having to get another taxi the next day to collect my car. i love the bf very much but just wasnt ok with him being there.

i get angrey at the attitude of a lot of familys that feel they have a god given right to intrude on moments involving babies just because there family, i love my mum and my family very much and we are all close but i would still not be ok with them doing this my mum is my childrens grandparent not parent and all relatives need to accept boundrys even if both parents boundrys are different i wouldnt inflict my family on bf constantly so i dont see why i should have to have them constantly around or involved in private moments its different if your ok with it but if your not then your not

Bambie, it sounds as though you have been as reasonable as you could be under the circumstances - you've tried to discuss this like a grown up , but MIL has told you that she's doing what she wants anyway so nerr.

Trust me, even if you've had the most straightforward birth , all you'll want to do is snuggle and feed your baby and have family bonding time with DH (and then a nice bath or shower in peace) . The last thing you will want as you lie on the bed with your netherlands exposed (bruised and bleeding, possibly being stitched) and trying to latch on is your MIL and FIL coming in and grabbing the baby off you.

You'll remember those precious moments forever. Your MIL seems determined to make them her precious first moments, treating you and your needs as an inconvenience. You sound lovely - please don't allow others the chance to trample all over you.

opener your BIL as birth partner ?! What on earth was your DH thinking ?

Popsi your baby's father behaved appallingly, I'm astounded that the hospital let him stay never mind sleep in your bed. And I hope you told his family to buggered off with their catering demands.

"'if you say no I am coming anyway'"

I´m fuming for you, OP.

What did your husband say?

Does he now agree that she can´t be trusted to respect you & shouldn´t be told?

If he told her & she arrived-realistically, what are the chances that she could be kept away by staff/your husband until you are ready to see her?

I do think that the mothers of sons perhaps worry about being sidelined-maybe with reason-MIL always called herself "second best GM"-although ILs refused to visit unless my husband was there, so it was rather self inflicted.

Sorry, back to the point.

So I can see how MILs might become over enthusiastic/pushy-but then this is just a sure way to alienate herself, isn´t it?

It´s not about her, is it?

Was her MIL standing outside?

sadly i didnt tell them to bugger off and as a result for the last 13 weeks have had them attempt to treat ds like there own baby so now unless i actually invite them round then i wont be engaging with them if they show up seen as they dont take hints or actual requests.

and yes he did behave badly a midwife spoke to him as i didnt feel like i was able to but he thought she was being a busy body and just asserted that he didnt want to leave inless he could take the baby with him, as he was saying it perfectly politly i didnt feel like i could ask for help with out looking like a cow (yeah he is a bit stupid) stuff like this is why i refuse to live with him.

OP its really important that you assert yourself or you will end up feeling crap and this could affect how you view your il's, i know its hard especially if you feel like your being rude but try and remember that they are being not only rude but insensative intrusive and damn right obnoxious by insisting, if it really gets to the point of them refusing to back down just remind them that whilst yes there grandparents you would concider it to be so unacceptable that you would minimise your relationship with them and tell them if they can disregard you in this suituation why wouldnt you think that they will disregard you in every suituation

REfuse to live with him Opps?

I wouldnt give him head room never mind house rooms. He sounds like a complete tosser! And the fact that they spent 6 hours uninvited in YOUR house that has nothing to do with him tells me where he gets it from.

Have you considered single parenthood at all..........?

lol bogey, its defo on the cards just need to get him when he wont cry at me.

(OP sorry for hijack)

I find all this incredibly sad - sad for everyone. My daughter and daughter in law have both recently had babies. In both cases the grandparents were told that they had gone into labour. I think we had one text to say how things were going, and then a final one to say baby had been born. In both cases my son and son in law then rang when they were able to tell us when we could visit - ie, in our hospital they did allow change over, so you come at ..... and other grandparents at .....

Certainly for me there was a difference how I felt about my two girls giving birth - with my own daughter part of me would have liked to have been there, that was my heart speaking, there was no way my "head" wanted to be there. In my daughter-in-law's case, there was no conflict between heart and head, I just knew that it was the husband's place to be there and nothing to do with me, if you see what I mean.

The conflict between parents and parents in law is so sad and why should it be a competition?

Op, under the circumstances I would tell your mum when you are going in, but get your DH to ring his parents after the birth. And do what my sons did - tell the grandparents when they can visit - he has to lay down the law, in the nicest possible way.

Good luck on your birth and enjoy the first few hours together as a family.

They are all mad. They won't be allowed in the delivery suite. When you are on the postnatal ward they will only be admitted by a member of staff as doors are kept locked. Dont tell them the visiting hours. Tell the ward staff they are under no circumstances to admit any visitors for you apart from DH.

Just.

Don't.

Tell.

Anyone.

Your baby, your labour, your decision.

It's completely unreasonable not to respect your wishes and how childish to say she'll come along regardless. So while I dislike secrecy and the treating of parents and PIL family differently, I fear that your MIL has crossed the line that determines any obligation to be open and honest about when you go into labour. What a shame and how silly to mar the truly wonderful moment when you meet your grandchild for the first time.

Stick to your guns, OP!

Yes, they are being a bit mad.

My first labour took 20 hours, DD arrived after midnight, and no-one would have been allowed in the whole delivery room / maternity area anyway apart from my partner. There's very strict security.

Do they think we are still in the 1950s?

Good luck!

Actually, in 1950s, nobody would have been allowed within a mile of the delivery room, let along hang around the hospital for hours! When I had my dcs in the early 80s, some of the older midwives were still grumbling about fathers now being allowed to witness the births of their own children.

I think I must completely invented the 1950s in my head!

Inertia, long story, but BIL was going to be backup for DH, not for me! DH was birth partner for other BIL and SIL, so didn't think of it as being weird. I thought it was fucked up at the time and had a bit of a job persuading DH tst it wasn't normal.

Op, your MIL is just going to have to wait, seeing as she can't be trusted. The only good thing is that she has made her position absolutely clear, so you know where you stand.

I do hope your DH is with you in this: good luck! Whatever you decide, the MWs should back you up to the hilt. They deal with worried and pushy relatives all the time and will have battled fiercer dragons than your MIL.