To not want everyone waiting for me in the hospital during labour?

[BambieO]

I feel like I am some kind of unreasonable DIL for not wanting people waiting outside the door for me to give birth.

I know people are excited etc but I hate feeling so suffocated and knowing that I am on a 'clock' and people are waiting for me. I just want some time after with my baby and to have a shower etc and for DH to bond. People are making me feel like it is unreasonable and I should feel guilty like I am punishing them/being awkward.

Just to be clear this is not an IL thread as I have said exactly the same to my DM and have made it clear I want both mums to meet outside if they like and come in together so one doesn't meet the baby ahead of the other etc.

My DM has agreed and said no problem but DH's family seem insistent that they are waiting outside regardless. I just feel like this always happens to us, our wishes never count for anything but then that attitude makes me feel like maybe I sound like a spoilt brat.

We thought to not tell people we are in labour but I really want the option of being able to call my mum if I am frightened/excited/just wanting to and I don't see why I shouldn't do that as she has agreed to wait for the news at home?

Please tell me AIBU? It is my PFB but I just really want to try BF (have no issue with formula though ) and have a shower and pull myself together but most importantly spend time with my baby before people want to take her off of me and tell me I am doing everything wrong

Ok - let the flaming commence haha

you are overthinking this!

dont tell them when you go into labour, trust me you are the QUEEN when you in labour and when your DH sees this he will obey every wish

then tell them after, and maybe tell them just after visiting time has finished.......

I didn't want to tell anyone when I was in labour. I knew my dm would worry the whole time, and I didn't want to feel under any pressure to produce baby quickly.

BIL was texting mil lots from the hospital. "Lots contractions. Baby here soon". "Really strong contraction then"...He ran out of stream (or maybe phone credit) sometime during the second day of labour...the updates during the third and fourth day were slightly further apart. Caused us some chuckles as before labour birth was "easy and no one needs to have any pain if they breathe slowly" as well as the baby will arrive on the due date. (it didn't)

I wouldn't tell anyone at first. If you want to speak to your dm while you're in labour then do, but it wouldn't have been the first thing on my mind. You might like to suggest to your dh that you both have your mobiles switched off so your IL's can't phone and ask if you don't answer the landline. Let your ILs know when you've gone home. Hospital visiting is stressful (for you) and ours will only let 2 people in at a time anyway, and non-partner visitors are very restricted the hours they can come for.

Wow desperatelyseekingpombears I will tell my husband that when we were told our baby had no heartbeat and they were unable to get him breathing on his own at first, that he can't have felt as awful as me!

At our hospital, only one birthing partner is allowed in the delivery suite. After each birth I had a few hours in the delivery ward with DH & the baby while we recovered, bonded & got cleaned up then we went to the postnatal ward.

On the postnatal ward, ALL visitors apart from the father of the baby were strictly restricted to 2 lots of visiting hours per day.

Even if your ILs were mental enough to wait about while you were in labour they wouldn't get to see the baby until the next set of visiting hours after you arrive at the postnatal ward.

I do agree with you about what you can and can't say to in-laws though - ONLY TOO WELL unfortunately!

Bambie I think its wonderful that you want to spend that first precious hour with just the three of you bonding together.

There will be plenty of time after for the GPs to see and fuss over the new baby.

I have a feeling that you are going to be a great mother. Good luck for the birth!

YRSNDU

I felt exactly the same way. DP seemed to think it was fine for his Mum and dad to be there. I said no damn way, very vehemently so no argument was given, they were not even allowed near until the next day.

DP has a daughter from a previous relationship, apparently her Mum&Dad, her sister, and his Mum&Dad were all there when his daughter was born!! Nightmare.

You are totally not being unreasonable!!

I can think of nothing worse that being in labour with my MIL waiting at the gates.

Its natural that a woman wants her own mother when she is in labour and your DH and MIL need to understand that. Personally I would NOT tell MIL that you are in labour and that solves the situation. Then if you do want to contact your mum just do it yourself - you don't have to tell DH - and he should respect your wishes anyway.

I know its hard but its times like these that you have to be strong. Bizzarely some of my happiest memories were being in the hospital with just DH and DCs - no one bothering us, no housework to worry about or meals to cook - We could just focus on our newborn.

I'm not great at face to face confrontation so I sent an email around to our close family before the birth telling them politely but firmly that we would inform them when DC was born and that as I would probably be feeling quite exhausted we would let them know when it would be a good time to visit.

The midwives are usually quite protective of new mums so hopefully they will keep unwanted visitors out too.

YANBU.

Only your DH needs to know - don't even bother telling anybody else anything until after the baby is born . By then they'll be so happy that they won't complain about missing the chance to put pressure on a labouring mother who doesn't want them wait there. If they do complain after, just say that you were unsure how things are progressing.

If you need your mum, call her when you need her, not before.

Be very insistent that your wishes about visitors go on your notes.

why do people want to wait anyway ?

I really don't undersatnd it. Do they think they are in an episode of Friends?

I wouldn't tell either set of parents until after the birth, I personally think labour & birth is something for the parents of the child only & don't really get the needing someone other than your dp/dh
Not really fair to have your mum there if you're not happy for IL's to be there either, whilst I appreciate it's not quite as traumatic for the person not going through the labour I do think it must be pretty scary to watch your significant other in so much pain & not be able to do anything about it!!

Foofoo,
< DP has a daughter from a previous relationship, apparently her Mum&Dad, her sister, and his Mum&Dad were all there when his daughter was born!! Nightmare.>

That's interesting, others have mentioned how the dad can feel pushed out.

Do you think all the family piling in was a symptom of DP & ex's relationship not being strong, or could it have contributed to whatever problems caused them to split?

I do think its different having your mum there whilst you are in labour if thats what you want, I think its a bit too personal to have MIL there in general but I don't think there is a difference with who would visit first (IMO)

Yanbu... Of course not. It never ceases to amaze me the pig ignorance of people. How dare they not listen to your wishes.

Step 1 let your mum know that she will get the call when you go into labour but NOT to tell anyone just get herself to the hospital.

Step 2 just in case news leaks tell your midwife the situation and express desire that noone is allOwed in to see you after the birth until you say so and make them wait till you are on antenatal ward at visiting time.

Step 3 warn in laws this is what is going to happen and tell your dh to man up and sort out his relatives as this is a ridiculous stress to put on you.

Have it written on your notes &birthplan NO VISITORS, or don't inform people when you go into hospital. unfortunately despite this I still had my mil sneak on the labour ward into my delivery room just after I'd given birth, still covered in blood. She came in and took my son off DP, she held my DS before me!

To think she must've been looking/ listening in through the window and then biding her time until she snuck in, makes me feel ill. He was literally only minutes old. :(

And to add how strange for all those people to be at a birth, surprised hospital staff allOwed it. Nasty and intrusive and just wierd to have your father and fil there ... Yeuk.

YANBU

I rang my relatives and invited them to come with DS1 as it was visiting time znd thought i might be on the ward when they came. They were allowed to come and see me in recovery (forceps in Theatre ready for EMCS) They came a couple of hours after delivery.
It was way too much they let in ILs then my parents then my sister and fiancé.
I had to send them all away as it was just too much, as I felt poorly not to mention vulnerable sat on an absorbent mat with only a hospital blanket covering my nakedness on the bottom half!
Would never allow it again and was thankful for the 13 hours grace after DS2 (born at 10.40 pm).

Stick to your guns.

Thank you all so much for your messages.

sallyingforth that was a really lovely message from you, thank you so much, I hope so I really do

I'd second writing it on your birth plan that you don't want visitors and only your dh as your birth partner. They shouldn't let them in. If they do, tell them to piss off!
When I was in labour with dd1, we didn't tell anyone til the afternoon. My contractions started 9pm, gave birth at 4.20am. Didn't tell them til the afternoon, when they could visit on the evening.

It is on my birth plan in as many places as I could fit it

I don't understand why they would want to sit in the hospital waiting room for hours maybe even days. What do they think they will achieve?

I would do as already suggested, not tell anyone your in labour untill dc is born and then send a text saying dc born visiting at ....

Good luck, I hope you have a smooth birth and enjoy those first special hours!

I wouldn't tell your DM either - I had a very long labour (baby in a very awkward position) and my Mum found out by accident that I was in the hospital. I knew that while I wasn't having much fun that the baby was OK, DH knew that while I wasn't having much fun, the baby was OK. My poor Mum had no idea what was happening and her imagination had far too much time to run riot. It would have been kinder for her to find out like my MIL when I had my second -
MIL: "That was quick!"
DH and me: "Not really, the labour started 3 days ago."

By the way, I also blame stupid sitcoms for the idea that it's the done thing to go to the hospital and wait - British delivery wards don't even have waiting rooms! And sitcom babies tend to arrive in a screeching hurry after the mother's waters have broken at a wedding/in a job interview/in a fancy boutique, causing a mad rush to the hospital. Normal (first) babies tend to take their time. :)