To not want everyone waiting for me in the hospital during labour?

[BambieO]

I feel like I am some kind of unreasonable DIL for not wanting people waiting outside the door for me to give birth.

I know people are excited etc but I hate feeling so suffocated and knowing that I am on a 'clock' and people are waiting for me. I just want some time after with my baby and to have a shower etc and for DH to bond. People are making me feel like it is unreasonable and I should feel guilty like I am punishing them/being awkward.

Just to be clear this is not an IL thread as I have said exactly the same to my DM and have made it clear I want both mums to meet outside if they like and come in together so one doesn't meet the baby ahead of the other etc.

My DM has agreed and said no problem but DH's family seem insistent that they are waiting outside regardless. I just feel like this always happens to us, our wishes never count for anything but then that attitude makes me feel like maybe I sound like a spoilt brat.

We thought to not tell people we are in labour but I really want the option of being able to call my mum if I am frightened/excited/just wanting to and I don't see why I shouldn't do that as she has agreed to wait for the news at home?

Please tell me AIBU? It is my PFB but I just really want to try BF (have no issue with formula though ) and have a shower and pull myself together but most importantly spend time with my baby before people want to take her off of me and tell me I am doing everything wrong

Ok - let the flaming commence haha

But thats a different scenario, if she needs her mum then she calls her - simple as that as its no one elses business!

Obviously our circumstances were slightly different due to the problems DS1 had when he was born but DH needed his mum as much as I needed mine and I wish she could have been there sooner for him.

YANBU. People really are ridiculous about their 'rights' when there's a new baby in the question. FIL and SIL actually sneaked into the delivery suite when I had DS It still makes me seethe and whatever 'advantage' they gained by being the first to meet the baby was more than outweighed by the damage they did to our relationship and my subsequence reluctance to see them much.

YANBU

I will never understand some peoples' knack for making another person's special moment all about themselves.

They will NOT be welcome on the labour ward, or the post-natal ward unless it's visiting time. Mt mum insisted on coming to see me and DD the second DD was born and was told she wasn't allowed on the labour ward at all. They take security and the risk of infection very seriously on these wards. My mum wasn't having a baby or a birthing partner so was told to shove off basically. And rightly so. I did try to tell her.

Don't tell anyone where you are until you have had the baby and are ready to see them. If you end up feeling like you need your mum then call her but ask her not breathe a word.

I really do disagree accountant, I genuinely don't think a dad goes through anywhere near the shock a mother goes through during labour and birth. And the OP describes both mothers as having strong personalities... Personally I can forgive my own mother her flaws in times of stress, mostly because I can say 'piss off you silly cow' and she won't take offence. But if I said that to MIL...

YANBU and when I had my last baby the only person allowed in the delivery room was DH. I gave birth at 7.30am and didn't get out of the delivery room and onto the ward until 4.30 pm!

With my first I was labouring in hospital for about 12 hours before baby was delivered by emcs in the middle of the night and even DH got kicked out once I was settled in recovery. Nobody could visit until visiting hours the next morning.

So never mind the fact they could be waiting hours (could be more than 24 hrs with your first) for the baby to arrive they still may not be allowed to come and see you for hours after anyway. Waiting there would be pointless and stupid on their part. The hospital are not likely to want them around cluttering the place up either.

I really, really wouldn't tell them that you are in labour.

Thanks DesperatelySeeking you have hit the nail on the head in respect of how I feel. I just want us to have this special time as we choose, that's all. Just an hour even to ourselves, not forever.

I think I have decided to speak to DH and agree that we will not tell anyone until the baby is born and we are ready for people to come down at that moment, that way we can't feel rushed and will be excited when people come.

If I decide I want to speak to my DM I will but will ask that she doesn't mention it to anyone

Thank you all, I feel much better knowing I am not alone and that I am not just being PFB

Either I wouldn't tell them or I would do what cupofteas said and do several false alarms. Amusing.

From what you've said it sounds like your problems are just about to start, if your ILs wont respect your wishes over the birth they'll be trampling all over your parenting efforts before you know it. You need to put your foot down now, very very firmly. You're the one having the baby, make damn sure you're the one calling the shots.

Thank you Pseudo, that is what I am afraid of so will be sure to be as confident as I can and try not to let people get me down or make me doubt myself

I had this nonsense with my MIL, dd was her first grandchild and she wanted to be in the hospital so she could see her straight away.

I was very firm and told her it didn't make any sense, I could be in labour for days, and she wouldn't be allowed in the delivery suite, so she'd be much more comfortable at home, than sitting in the hospital cafe for hours on end.

End of conversation.

YANBU.

There was no way in hell I was having anybody I knew anywhere near the hospital when I gave birth.

YANBU at all. I wouldn't want people waiting outside (that's the last thing you need to have on your mind at a time like this!), and certainly wouldn't want visitors rushing in before I was feeling up to it. Of course you can ring your mum any time you need to, that's entirely between you and her, and no one else's business.

Actually unless you end up having to stay in for some reason, there's surely not much need for them to come to the hospital at all. If you have a straightforward birth you'll likely be home the same or next day, so you can invite them round then if you prefer.

What does your DH think? It'll be easier if he's on your 'side' here and willing to stand up to his relatives.

Tell them you're in labour but also tell them that you went into labour on a day out so are at x hospital 100 miles away...

It isn't at all pfb to want sometime alone with your baby, just you, the daddy and the baby. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for wanting that. You'll feel a lot worse for a lot longer if you march to beat of their drum and don't have that time. You wont get the chance again. Your DM and MIL have had their chances to do this with their babies. This is your turn now.

Just to add, we couldn't have any visitors until we'd moved to the post natal ward, and even then the visiting hours/numbers of visitors was very restricted, it's not like people can just be popping into the delivery room immediately after the birth anyway.

It would be worth checking the procedure for your hospital in advance, you might find they have a leaflet on the subject.

Can you not make it clear to the midwives no one on the delivery suite? Is this your first baby? Genenrally what happens is you have the baby and then stay in recovery for an hour or so, maybe have a bath, have a go at feeding, clean up etc. It was just me and DP at this point (and some medics drifting in and out). So you will get that time to yourselves. Our hospital was v v strict about no visitors at this point, until you move to the wars and it is visiting time.

As everyone else says - just don't tell them!!!

YANBU - it's a time for you and DH. But sometimes the mvs do let people in. I had an el-cs as baby was breach. I then got seperated from my newborn as I was sent to recovery room while baby and DH were sent up to post-natal ward. I had told my mum that I would ring when we were ready to see her, but she had rung the hospital, got the time of my cs and was let in to the post natal ward. So she spent the first hour with my baby when I wasn't even there. Dh was fuming. Worse - she had brought her then partner with her, and I was too shy to try to bf with him there. Poor baby didn't even get to try to feed for hours. Btw the way I do get on with my mum, I just wish she'd respected my wishes. Second time round I put it in my birthplan NO VISITORS allowed without our consent, and that if I had to go to recovery room the baby was coming with me!

Thanks all I might call and check the procedures!

Ephiny DH says to just not tell anyone at all when it happens, I just felt at the time when he suggested it that it wasn't fair to my DM as she would want to know how I was feeling/doing but now I see maybe I will just have to do that and not say anything unless I really do want to talk to her and even then just ask her not to tell anyone

YANBU. Can't they just stay and home and wait for a phone call to say the baby has arrived. I thought that's what most people did.

YANBU and I personally would really recommend not telling anyone you're in labour (unless you really need their support, like your mum)

We didn't tell anyone until after the birth (was lovely ringing up and saying "you're a granny/grandad/uncle") and it meant I didn't think about anyone except me, DS and DH. I didn't think about them waiting by their phones or worrying about me. I knew that for them it was business as usual (especially as DS was a bit early).

In fact, DH didn't tell his mum until the next day...because she was coming over to visit us anyway so he went to meet her at the train and said, "by the way, I've got a photo of your grandson if you want to see it?"

Many postnatal wards have set visiting times, and most babies arrive in the night, so hopefully you will get a good few hours before visitors. You can also specify in your Birth Plan that no-one except DH and helath professionals allowed in during labour or recovery.

DH text around to say "Gnocchi is in labour, I will up date as and when I get the chance, and I will ring you at home once baby is here safe and sound" so those waiting for news knew the score. As it was DD arrived at 4am and DH couldn't bear to ring anyone's landline at that time so waited til 8am. We had a lovely time lounging together the three of us!

When he did ring he told them the visiting hours and asked which of the two times we should expect them, so that we knew who was coming in, and when.

YANBU. Just don't tell them you're off to hospital. Even if they do find out and turn up most hospitals do not allow visitors on delivery suites, it's birth partners only. They'll have to wait until visiting hours when you are transferred to post natal ward. This is usually a good few hours later any way. Delivery suites are usually locked units too so the chances of parents/inlaws being let in will be pretty low.

Good luck with it all.

YA absolutely NBU.

The most wonderful period in the whole birthing process - if you and baby are fine - is the time after you've delivered and there's just you and DP and the baby, who's snuggly and beautiful and hasn't given you cracked nipples and hasn't kept you awake all night and hasn't screamed the place down incessantly, and all three of you have been left on your own whilst the midwives do their paperwork and then someone runs you a bath in one of those marvellously large hospital baths, and you sink into it and prod your wobbly tummy and soak away all the stresses and strains and pain of the birth, whilst DP sits there with the baby he's wheeled in in the cot and no-one's rushing you into doing anything.

You certainly don't want to share this time with anyone.

Bigmerlin. Your hospital was very naughty. They should not have even said you were there let alone give out other. If you did tell the MW to give your dm information then all well and good.
I used to work on labour ward and confidentiality was very tight there.

I didn't tell ANYONE I was in labour with DS. My mother was texting about when to book flights and I didn't want her to be there for our first weekend together (she is hard work), so I was particularly sure that she didn't know I was in labour. I just told people afterwards.