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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I will need DH to take some paternity leave?

146 replies

Lambzig · 13/06/2012 09:25

DH has just been verbally offered a new job. Its a very good job which will mean more money and seniority and probably job satisfaction too. Great career progression in his profession and I am really, really pleased for him and think its great for both of us for lots of reasons.

My only problem is that by the time that written contracts are sorted and he has worked out his rather long notice period, he will be looking at starting the new job a couple of weeks at most before I am due to give birth and possibly around the same time. We have a toddler and dont have any family near by or family who are helpful IYSWIM.

DH says that this means that he wont be able to take any time off apart from the day itself as he wants to make a good impression and wont be entitled to paternity leave yet.

I understand this and know he needs to make a fantastic impression, but I know the company (we both work in the same profession) and the people he will be working for (really lovely) and they are very family friendly and am sure if he told them about it now, so far in advance, they would be more than understanding about him taking time off or delaying his start date. I am having an ELCS so if things go to plan, he would be able to give them a date fairly soon too. Obviously time off wouldn't be paid, but we can just about manage that for say, a week or so.

DH says he doesnt want to raise it with them as 'it looks bad' and I will just have to manage. I have friends locally who will help (eg looking after my toddler while I am in hospital for a couple of days), but they have their own DC. Am I being a bit spoilt to think it will be difficult to manage a new baby and a toddler on my own straight after an ELCS?

OP posts:
ripsishere · 13/06/2012 09:29

Maybe a tiny bit TBH.
I didn't have another child, but after DD was born and I stayed in hospital for seven days I was on my own, in an Arabian country with no family.

lisad123 · 13/06/2012 09:32

I thinks he needs to discuss it with new company. Standard are if you have holiday booked already when you get offered a job, they honor it, can't see how paternal leave is any different. They aren't likely to think bad of a man who wants time off with new baby!

RubyWho · 13/06/2012 09:32

I don't think YABU. My husband went back 4 days after our DC2 was born via a repeat c/s, and whilst I 'coped' I have had l

RubyWho · 13/06/2012 09:34

bloody iphone! I have had longer term health issues because of having to do too much too soon, really.

I remember lying to my MW when she did her home visit the day after discharge, a day before DH went back to work, because I was worried about getting readmitted to hospital. No fun.

hairytale · 13/06/2012 09:35

Yanbu! What "looks bad" is that the selfish git would prioritise "looking bad" in a job over spending time supporting his dw who has just given birth! Birth is no walk in the park, even if it's straight forward

  • you may very well need the extra support if you have a long labour, tear or CS.

He's being outrageous. He needs to raise it now - no decent employer will refuse him two weeks annual leave or unpaid leave to look after you and the new baby.

MerryMarigold · 13/06/2012 09:36

I don't think YABU AT ALL. I think it's disgraceful that he won't even bring it up with the new company. To me, it shows where his priorities lie, and how far he's willing to sacrifice work for his family. It is v unreasonable of him to expect your friends to pick up the buck he's passing. Not on.

On the other hand, I had an ELCS and healed quite quickly. I'd still say it took a week to get back to 'normal'. If he really wants to go down this route selfish git then I suggest he pays for a short term home help, someone to cook/ shop/ clean and help look after your first dc.

hairytale · 13/06/2012 09:36

Sorry just seen you're having an elcs. Even more outrageous of him.

2shoes · 13/06/2012 09:36

calling someone a selfish git because they have to go to work is plain daft.
yabu
sorry but you will just have to cope, long term your dh will need that job.

jubilucket · 13/06/2012 09:37

YANBU, as an employer I'd have more respect for someone who put their family first than an arselicker who thinks that staying in sight at their desk is more important.

QuintessentialShadows · 13/06/2012 09:37

Get a mothers helper in for the time period in question.

I understand why your husband feels bad raising it. He does not want to jeopardise his (so far oral) job offer. Especially as he has such a long notice period. He dont want them to wait for ever, and then go off for a week straight after starting, and I can see why he does not want to delay his start date even further. The company might start thinking "hang on, we can get Peter Jones on board a lot sooner than this" etc

halcyondays · 13/06/2012 09:38

Yanbu.

ElephantsCanRemember · 13/06/2012 09:38

I think your DH should definitely speak to his new boss about it. Just because other people have had to cope without paternity leave doesn't mean that you should.
If it is a family friendly company won't they think more badly of him if he doesn't mention it?

MerryMarigold · 13/06/2012 09:38

2shoes, he doesn't 'have to go to work'. He WANTS to go and be 'impressive'.

Wilding · 13/06/2012 09:39

You're having major surgery and he won't even ask? You need to put your foot down on this one. You should be his priority, not his new job. He has to ask - the worst they can do is say 'no' and in that case you will need to insist on a home help, as MerryMarigold suggested.

halcyondays · 13/06/2012 09:39

If you're in hospital for a few days after a section, then he will have to take time off to look after your toddler, won't he? He can't expect your friends to do it.

PuffPants · 13/06/2012 09:40

Don't you think his new employer will think it a bit odd if he doesn't ask for any time?

You say he wants to make a good impression but this may do the opposite. I am sure they wouldn't begrudge him a week, isn't that the minimum by law?

Just because a lot of mums do manage alone at the beginning doesn't mean it's a good option.

bigjoeent · 13/06/2012 09:41

Er, no you are not, I've had two ELCS. Its abdominal surgery, they cut you open. I took it steady after both CS but OH had paternity leave plus we had family help as the second birth was twins. Do not underestimate how difficult it will be looking after a toddler who cannot understand why he cannot jump on mummy for a bit plus a new born.

I'm sorry ripsishere, you are wrong. I was out in 3 days both times, which is standard in this country and I cannot see how you can do it with a toddler. You aren't supposed to be lifting anything and cannot drive for a while. Have a read up on the after effects, they aren't too bad but you've had abdominal surgery.

I can understand you OH position, if he cannot do it, consider a nursery if he goes to one or will do shortly, not sure how old your toddler is. Or get a nanny, douhla (sp?) in to help for a couple of weeks.

imnotmymum · 13/06/2012 09:42

IMO got to put the job first as early impressions are critical my DH only had the birthday off as he self employed and we needed the money and contracts needed to be fulfilled.

ElephantsCanRemember · 13/06/2012 09:42

I agree PuffPants If he doesn't even mention it and talk to them about the situation I don't think he will make a very good impression at all.

TidyDancer · 13/06/2012 09:42

YANBU, but neither is your DH.

If you know the date of your ELCS then why doesn't he just give them the day and the week following as pre-booked holiday?

How much help can you get from friends and family? Any chance there's someone you could ask to stay with you for a few days?

halcyondays · 13/06/2012 09:42

Ripisphere, you were in hospital for seven days and didn't have another child so totally different situation.

bigjoeent · 13/06/2012 09:44

Can I just ask all the posters saying YABU, get on with it and cope. Have you had a CS when you already have a toddler to look after?

hairylemon · 13/06/2012 09:44

yanbu, surely he can just explain to them? if they are a decent employer they will delay the start date. The other thing is it might look bad on him to them - you know, new employee cant even be arsed to take paternity leave etc (not saying he cant be arsed, just thats how it mmight look), might make him look a bit ruthless to co-workers, not a good first impression IMO

hairytale · 13/06/2012 09:44

But 2shoes in these circumstances he is bein selfish. He can ask now, as part of the terms of him
Starting, for the two weeks off - either unpaid or annual leave. So he is being selfish.

Longdistance · 13/06/2012 09:44

This is a bug bear of mine. My dh 'worked from home' when both my dd's were born. He'd still go into work on the odd day. It really annoyed me, as even though I didn't have a cs, and the births were relatively easy, I still wanted him there at home with us. He did hide in the office a good few times Angry
And we could more than afford to have him take paternity leave too, so it was a decision that I have never let him forget.
He should let the company know, and I thought the law stated that it's not how much time you've been within a company that says you get paternity leave. I thought you got it anyway???? Don't quote me on that!