To think that I will need DH to take some paternity leave?

[Lambzig]

DH has just been verbally offered a new job. Its a very good job which will mean more money and seniority and probably job satisfaction too. Great career progression in his profession and I am really, really pleased for him and think its great for both of us for lots of reasons.

My only problem is that by the time that written contracts are sorted and he has worked out his rather long notice period, he will be looking at starting the new job a couple of weeks at most before I am due to give birth and possibly around the same time. We have a toddler and dont have any family near by or family who are helpful IYSWIM.

DH says that this means that he wont be able to take any time off apart from the day itself as he wants to make a good impression and wont be entitled to paternity leave yet.

I understand this and know he needs to make a fantastic impression, but I know the company (we both work in the same profession) and the people he will be working for (really lovely) and they are very family friendly and am sure if he told them about it now, so far in advance, they would be more than understanding about him taking time off or delaying his start date. I am having an ELCS so if things go to plan, he would be able to give them a date fairly soon too. Obviously time off wouldn't be paid, but we can just about manage that for say, a week or so.

DH says he doesnt want to raise it with them as 'it looks bad' and I will just have to manage. I have friends locally who will help (eg looking after my toddler while I am in hospital for a couple of days), but they have their own DC. Am I being a bit spoilt to think it will be difficult to manage a new baby and a toddler on my own straight after an ELCS?

As others have said, don think that because paternity leave is quite recent that in the past women did it all alone - a week in hospital for an uncomplicated birth, older children off at grandparents - probably more support than we get now.

iggi Really? ALL women had that did they? Anyway what women had in the past is hardly relevant....they also had backtreet abortions and all manner of horrible things in those days.

Today men are entitled to paternity leave but the reality IS that the job market is so bad, many men won't want to annoy a new employer....and you can't blame him either.

"What do new mothers expect if dh is working full-time?" Er, they expect them to take paternity leave, as is their right. A lot of one-up-man-ship on this thread!

I can tell you now that my Gran and my Mum (both working class) had shite all help once they gave birth...their Mums both worked...as did many women and as many still do.

"What do people think happens with women who'se husbands are in the army?"

Who cares? That has fuck all to do with this.

Or are you seriously arguing that because some men are in the army no men have any responsibility to their families after their wife gives birth?

"What do new Mothers EXPECT if ther DH is working full time?"

Yeah, the cheeky bitches! How dare they expect their children's father to be a parent when they are most needed?

I work full time.

Is it unreasonable of the baby I'm about to have to expect me to care for it?

iggi yes...but it's not always practical is it? Not ALL men are in positions that are so secure they can take that leave and not have ANY doubts that their commitment will be doubted...JUST as many women who want babies are afraid to do it in case their career is affected. It does NOT make her DH a bad person.

Thehouseonthecorner not sure what your problem is? I make the point (as have others) that it's a false comparison to think that your mother managed without dh at home, so you should too. She is very likely to have had more family support with other children, and I would say definitely was in hospital longer.

AThing see my last post...it is also relevant to your tirade.

iggi no problem...I just think people are unrealistic. I was saying that I managed without DH....and then people said "Oh in the past women had ten days in hospital and the kids off at relatives" and I said...not all of them had that. My Mum never nor my Gran.

The mentality that one's career would suffer irreparable damage by missing two weeks of work is also relatively new.

Are you saying your mum was discharged from hospital faster than anyone else? Your gran (depending on age) may have had a home birth I suppose. Remember OP is also expecting a section. Why do you think OP has to put up with worst-case conditions, given her dh has just been head-hunted and as yet has no idea how his employers would feel about paternity leave?

I just think that the OPs DH knows his own employers and it's not good freaking out over it.

I had to manage and I did fine AND I had a C section and a toddler already too! I was fine...really...it was sore and awkward of course but a HV came in daily and i had visitors with things from the shops etc...it's not a terrible disease! It's a new baby and a wound that needs care...you just have to bloody sit there for a couple of days and then you can get up again! I waas walking a little bit right away.

The mentality that you will earn respect from anyone by shirking your responsibilities and failing to plan adequately for a known event is not new, but just as stupid as it has always been.

I guess if you are shite at what you do maybe you do need to bow and scrape and tug your forelock to avoid getting canned.

But this guy is just about to negotiate his terms with an employer who headhunted him.

He will look like a right gobshite if he doesn't bring this up and put a satisfactory arrangement in place.

TheHouse- they aren't the DH's employers yet and he hasn't even mentioned the imminent birth, so he cannot possibly know how they feel about it!

All the OP is asking him to do is to explain the situation to his new employers- not to make demands or turn down the job, just tell them about it and ask how they would prefer him to tackle it.

"I just think that the OPs DH knows his own employers and it's not good freaking out over it."

No, it's terrible to freak out over it.

And that's what he's doing right now.

This company is not his employer. It's a company that wants to employ him.

He is in a strong position.

He will make himself look like a twat if he fails to deal with this effectively now.

What you had to do is utterly, completely irrelevant. Same with your ma and your gran. And women in the 19th century. And cavewomen.

He should "make demands" - they have told him they want to negotiate terms.

That is an invitation for him to make demands.

And we come back to: what happens when her DH has to take time off work, because there's no-one else?

It isn't whether he 'should' (and he should!) but whether he 'must'. That is what will get him into the shit. It's likely, even probable that he's going to have to take some time off at some point, so it's stupid not to do just that in a controlled way.

No-one will respect a man who could have controlled this, but didn't. He has to plan to be available for his other child, if nothing else - what's the other option? Leave them alone at home? Again, I'd be sat listening to that explanation down then phone and mentally making sure we never gave that man anything important ever again!

As a freelancer I know the intense pressure of being responsible for yourself re work. There is nobody to tell me to do anything and I do at times push it too much for fear of upsetting a client.

And thing don't compare me to cavewomen....OR my family as you'll just make yourself look pathetic. I don't have a "ma" and never used that term either.

I had my first baby in a local maternity unit and was home the next morning. Dh took 2 days off . I am not saying that the op should feel obliged to do that because clearly her dh is entitled to more time.

But this golden era when all women allegedly spent 10 days in hospital and older children were sent to relatives - hahahahahaha

Maybe in the 1940 or something- but what on earth do you imagine women did in the 1970/80s when there was no paternity leave and women were pretty much encouraged to get up out of bed and leave hospital straight away?

The mentality that one's career would suffer irreparable damage by missing two weeks of work is also relatively new

Its called the biggest recession since the depression, which quite a few people bleating away one here seem to know or care nothing about.

That said, IMO he is better off explaining the situation, he will be moer respected for it, and taking off a planned week or 2 very early on. More than that IMO and he will be on much thinner ice.

Tinkerbel I was born in 1970 and my mother spent 10 days in hospital (vaginal delivery).

Maybe iggii. Lots of my slightly older colleagues had babies in the 80s . In and out of hospital, no paternity leave and 12 weeks maternity leave.
Not suggesting we should return to that.... But it's nonsense to say its impossible because all these women managed it, and most returned to work too.

"Its called the biggest recession since the depression, which quite a few people bleating away one here seem to know or care nothing about."

It's another depression.

And yet people are still getting headhunted.

And those people do not need to throw thrmselves on their employers with gratitude for their jobs.

If someone really wants to hire you they will not be put off by reasonable negotiation.

I guess if you're not much in demand it can be hard to imagine...

My dad took time off when me and my sister were born in the 1970/80s, tinkerbel.

Paternity leave may be a recent entitlement, but even in the 70s people had annual leave, and the birth of a child more than justified taking it, especially if it was asked for in advance and cover properly organised etc. Then there was unpaid leave too for those who could afford it.

I bet my balls most fathers not to mention their wives would have jumped on the opportunity to take two weeks of paternity leave if the law had provided for it. Tbh even two weeks seems like a joke if you consider that fathers are parents too, but it's even more of a joke that fathers themselves don't think they should be using it if it's available. I wouldn't be surprised if some busybody government got rid of it one day, saying not enough people are interested in taking it, so why offer.

this thread has made me SOooooooooooooo mad.
can't even be bothered to read it so maybe someone else can answer this...

does anyone on this stupid thread who has actually had a c -section think the OP is being unreasonable???

i was in hospital for 5 days after my first section and 2 days after the second. you CANNOT cope alone. your adbo muscles have been sliced. they dont work. there's stuff you cannot physically do FFFFFFFS