To think that I will need DH to take some paternity leave?

[Lambzig]

DH has just been verbally offered a new job. Its a very good job which will mean more money and seniority and probably job satisfaction too. Great career progression in his profession and I am really, really pleased for him and think its great for both of us for lots of reasons.

My only problem is that by the time that written contracts are sorted and he has worked out his rather long notice period, he will be looking at starting the new job a couple of weeks at most before I am due to give birth and possibly around the same time. We have a toddler and dont have any family near by or family who are helpful IYSWIM.

DH says that this means that he wont be able to take any time off apart from the day itself as he wants to make a good impression and wont be entitled to paternity leave yet.

I understand this and know he needs to make a fantastic impression, but I know the company (we both work in the same profession) and the people he will be working for (really lovely) and they are very family friendly and am sure if he told them about it now, so far in advance, they would be more than understanding about him taking time off or delaying his start date. I am having an ELCS so if things go to plan, he would be able to give them a date fairly soon too. Obviously time off wouldn't be paid, but we can just about manage that for say, a week or so.

DH says he doesnt want to raise it with them as 'it looks bad' and I will just have to manage. I have friends locally who will help (eg looking after my toddler while I am in hospital for a couple of days), but they have their own DC. Am I being a bit spoilt to think it will be difficult to manage a new baby and a toddler on my own straight after an ELCS?

YANBU - If you were having other major surgery (a CS is after all major abdominal surgery) would he take the same line?

I can't see the harm in just talking about it wiht the new employer. He may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome.

Also, if you are having a el-CS surely you will be in hospital for at least 3 days - what happens with your other DC? How is he planning on them being cared for if he can only take the one day off?

I was fine in sim circs-newborn twins and 2 yrold- tbh it's about mindset. I was determined not to worry-I let everything slide except feeding the babies and ds1. I didn't worry about cleaning/seeing people/getting dressed/letting ds1 watch too much tv and so on.
If you have limitations about what you can lift and so forth then write a list of stuff dh has to do before he goes to work and make sure he knows that when he gets home the really hard work begins.
If you can afford a week no pay then you can afford a doula/cleaner/ironing service/shopping delivery/whatever for a week or two.
Work will probably tell your dh to go home early/take a few days off anyway, but I think your dh is right-he needs to wait for them to offer.A job is too important. Obviously if you are in desperate circs/something goes badly wrong then work will let him go home/friends will rush to help. It's usually fine though.

imnot I think when you are self emloyed that is different.
OP If, hypothetically, you had arranged to get married around his start date and had booked a fabulous honeymoon, would he mention that to his boss? Or would he cancel and lose the money? I think employers (in the most part) appreciate you being upfront and honest. What if there are complications and he is forced to take leave at short notice?

He's wrong.

He's in the period of negotiating his new job, so he is in the perfect position to specify a start date that fits in with your ELCS date.

It's completely normal and expected for people starting in senior positions to have other commitments they want to attend to and it won't make him look bad in the least.

In fact, taking the job and only having one day off when his baby is born when they will know he could easily have negotiated a later start will make him look weak and silly.

by the way I had an ELCS with DS2 when DS1 was 2. You WILL need help, my CS went fairly straightforward but have healed up a bit wonky. I couldnt even go up the stairs on my own 5 days after and needed help getting to the toilet etc.

I thinkn you are both being a bit unreasnoble and you both have priorites and there is a bit of a compromise.

I think the idea of paying for some mothers help is the way forward. Or, he could say he can't start for 2 more weeks. I don't think he should ask for paternity leave but he could say he can't start for a couple of weeks.

When I give birth - our businessess won't stop running - then hens won't stop laying and the pigs still need feeding. Someone has to do it, and as I wont be able to it'll be my oh.

I can see both points of view. However, your Dh is inevitably going to be affected by the situation at home. Letting the employer know, even with a view to working together with them to maximize his performance at this key time of starting with the company, might be in both your best interests.

It doesn't sound that he is being selfish to want to do what he can to make this job work. After all, he has you and the children to look after financially.

It might well be a good idea to consider getting extra help in as well, as has been discussed.

tbh if he does this I think he'll be forever known in the company as "that bloke who never even took time off for his wife when she had a CS"

i think he would make a better impression if he talked to his employers face to face and try make some compromise. i wouldnt march in and say i am entitled to paternity leave.

you both also need to perhaps organise some outside care .. someone who can come in few hours a day throw on a dinner, a wash, let you rest, and some childcare. yanbu in regards it is major surgery and shouldnt be dismissed.

I can understand where he is coming from, the job is important and he could well just see making a good impression and being able to do well in the job as vital for providing for his family, so I'm not really onboard with the selfish and outrageous comments flying around.

That said YANBU, he is going to need to either take time off or delay the start date, ideally no company should have a problem with this and as you're having an ELCS, he will know exactly what days he needs rather than the uncertainty that comes along with waiting to go into labour, so there will be no element of suddenly having to leave them in the lurch.

You say you know the company, do you know anyone who works there well enough to have a word and get the insiders perspective on how it won't be a problem?

His best bet is to talk to his new employers and see what they want to do, but ultimately if they are not happy its more important longer term that the job exists, and you need to get in additional help.

I think a lot of people squawking on this thread have no clue how fragile the job market is right now.

wow, lots of fast responses, thank you.

This job offer is really, really new, and without outing myself by talking about details, it means the world to him, to both of us to be honest as he has been unhappy about work for a while. I can see his initial reaction is that he doesnt want to do anything to rock the boat and I know he is just having a first reaction which is why I havent really responded to his position before now. He is amazing with our toddler (as he shoudl be) and is generally not too selfish, particularly if we get to talk things through.

I genuinely wanted to know AIBU as:

a) I have had a c-section 2 years ago, but recovered super quickly (didnt need or take painkillers after leaving hospital) and had DH for lots of help at the time. I havent experienced looking after a toddler and a baby and last time my rather posh consultant said "dont pick up anything heavier than your baby", so that would rule out picking up DC1 for example.

b) I dont know if recovery from second c-section is harder. It seems logical that it would be, but wanted to know what people think.

c) Its not the sort of role where they are interviewing anyone else. He has been headhunted and they are creating a role tailored to him. Notice period is industry standard for senior staff, so they will have expected that. If they were tricky about it, then fine, we will work something out, but as others say, if he had two weeks holiday booked in November, they would be fine about it.

d) We are relying on lovely, lovely friends while I am in hospital to look after DC1 in the day (was assuming DH would spend chunks of time at the hospital while I was in) and dont want DH to assume that we can extend that.

YANBU. Whenever I've changed jobs, I've always had some plans and never had any problems when informing the future employer, that yes, I can start July first, but have 2 weeks of vacation booked end of July. ELCS is a major surgery and of course you need help.

Dh has a choice

a) take paternity leave or annual leave

b) fund a doula/nanny for the same sort of period

Either way you get the help that you need as this is not optional. Whether he provides that help or subcontracts it out and works is his choice.

I've had ELCS so know how it is a very bad idea to even consider being on your own with a toddler after leaving hospital post c/s.

If he has been headhunted and is taking a role that has been tailored to him then all the more reason for him to discuss this with his new boss.

OP he could perhaps suggest doing the usual boring new job stuff from home for free during this time. You know, reading policies, completing new start paperwork, getting up to speed with current affairs in the company etc. might be a good compromise. He could even offer to go into the office for a few hours ad hoc.

Also dont forget that during this time CBeebies/DVDs of toy story etc will be your friends, dont be worried about sticking them on to entertain your toddler while you sort baby out. DVDs and kids Tv saved me in those first few weeks.

He should speak to his boss about unpaid leave or something. Most bosses understand the need for time off at such an important moment. The worst that can happen is that the boss could say no.

No biggie. Just ask, expect the worst, hope for the best.

agree that he needs to speak to them asap. I really think it could go against him on a personal level. TBH if a new guy started working at our place and he didnt take any time off to help his wife out after having major surgery we'd all have a pretty low opinion of him and think hes a bit of a ball breaker, and therefore not very approachable. I think Id steer clear of someone like that.

I don't think either you or your DH are being unreasonable. I can understand that you really need him to take the week off and I can understand him wanting to make a good impression and not start talking about leave. I'm not sure how you will cope by yourself though...
Perhaps you could hire help for the week/month after the birth - someone to look after your DS, perhaps someone to do some cleaning.
Alternatively your DH is going to have to 'bite the bullet' and speak to his employer, rather than asking for leave just explain the situation and ask them to make a decision along the lines of "would you like me to start the job a month later so I don't start with a period of leave/take a weeks leave/work from home/work part-time." If it's more of a discussion rather than a demand for time off I think under the circumstances the new employer would understand.

I find it difficult to compare recoveries from each CS, its difficult to separate it from the fact that there are more children in the mix. How difficult it would be to manage and what help you would need would depend on your child, are they really active or quite happy to watch TV for ages. I know mine would for a bit but would then be really hyper for the rest of the day, he needs to get out and expend energy. I wouldn't assume that you will recover as quickly.

Use the time now to come up with some solutions, your OH could go in for 2/3 for the first two weeks, and supplement it with paid help at home when he is at work. How flexibly can he work? Is it worth putting the start date off? Could he go in for key meetings / meet & greet and do some work at home? It depends on what his work is, but if its a good company they shouldn't mind at least discussing the options.

One of the downsides of a senior post is that you do need to be available, my OH went in for some meetings plus responded to urgent stuff / delegated it whilst he was off by blackberry.

Good luck

If he has been headhunted then there is clearly leway for him to negotiate a start date, or inform them of pre exisiting time off needed, employers are completely aware that people my have other things planned, booked etc and usually ask in the interview if this is the situation.

Your husband would be expected to mention things like this to them because he has the upper hand of being actively asked to work for them, they have come to him, he gets to dictate at a certain level what he needs.

Either way OP, i find it disgusting he just 'expects you to manage' this isn't on, i doubt he would be thinking this if it was a major operation to remove a tumor.
He either needs to fund home help, or talk to his employer, it won't be seen as rocking the boat at all, tbh if i found out one of my staff had taken just one day off and left his wife at home after a section with a toddler and no help, well lets just say i wouldn't be thinking nice things about him.

Does he realise that you may not have a straight forward recovery, you may be in hospital longer than expected, you may get an infection, surely it would be better for his employers to know he will be off for a set amount of time then for him to have to phone in suddenly and take emergency time off when he may be needed more and there is no back up?

Tell him to think about how bad he's going to look. Imagine the chat. Oh my wife had a baby yesterday... So why are you at work? He's not going to impress anyone by being a ruthless workaholic. You're not asking him to take a year out.

My dh was offered a new job whils I was pregnant. He told them at the interview it was that important to him. By the time he started he was well within 15 weeks of my date so the pay was unpaid. He only took a week but that's all I felt I needed after a straightforward birth and our 6 year old at school my recovery was super quick! I was doing the school run on day 3 because I wanted to though, not because I had to.

At the risk of being soppy (rose tinted spectacles firmly on) I think also its very sad for him to miss out on those completely magical first days. Bonding with the new baby, introducing the new sibling to our DC1 and seeing her reactions, getting the cuddles (glosses swifltly over the hard bits).

Having DC1 really changed him, really softened him and he is very hands on, he hated going back to work after three weeks (paternity leave plus a weeks leave) last time, so I cant imagine he would cope too well with what he is suggesting.

Have to say, I absolutely hate the idea of having a stranger (home help, doula, nanny) in the house. I see it as a very private time and would definitely manage on my own rather than that.

I do know his new boss a little bit and he would probably be amazingly supportive, there is no way that he would mind it being discussed at the very least. I know people who work there and have two examples. One where a man working there had a premature baby in special care for a few weeks and was told not to come back to work until two weeks after the baby was out of hospital (about two months in total) on full pay. One where a woman joined them but said at interview that she had a month long charity trip planned over christmas. She started in November then left at the beginning of january for her charity trip and was allowed to 'borrow' holiday from her next year's allowance, so that she didnt have take unpaid leave. They are a nice company.

I didn't have a c-section but had a very difficult birth leaving me in hospital for three nights and in a lot of pain when I came out. If my (now ex) partner hasn't taken paternity leave I would have found it hard to cope. I don't think YABU at all. He at least has to have the discussion with his employers.

has he told his now boss as sometimes might not have work his notice