To think that I will need DH to take some paternity leave?

[Lambzig]

DH has just been verbally offered a new job. Its a very good job which will mean more money and seniority and probably job satisfaction too. Great career progression in his profession and I am really, really pleased for him and think its great for both of us for lots of reasons.

My only problem is that by the time that written contracts are sorted and he has worked out his rather long notice period, he will be looking at starting the new job a couple of weeks at most before I am due to give birth and possibly around the same time. We have a toddler and dont have any family near by or family who are helpful IYSWIM.

DH says that this means that he wont be able to take any time off apart from the day itself as he wants to make a good impression and wont be entitled to paternity leave yet.

I understand this and know he needs to make a fantastic impression, but I know the company (we both work in the same profession) and the people he will be working for (really lovely) and they are very family friendly and am sure if he told them about it now, so far in advance, they would be more than understanding about him taking time off or delaying his start date. I am having an ELCS so if things go to plan, he would be able to give them a date fairly soon too. Obviously time off wouldn't be paid, but we can just about manage that for say, a week or so.

DH says he doesnt want to raise it with them as 'it looks bad' and I will just have to manage. I have friends locally who will help (eg looking after my toddler while I am in hospital for a couple of days), but they have their own DC. Am I being a bit spoilt to think it will be difficult to manage a new baby and a toddler on my own straight after an ELCS?

In that case I think it would look bad if he didn't at least try to discuss it with his new boss. Maybe the the new company can work around it, maybe they can't. but from what you have said, and if they are so family friendly then he is going to get off on the wrong foot by not mentioning it, or at least trying to come up with a solution/compromise with them.

Yanbu. I had a caesarian with dd1 and dh had just taken a new job. He only took two days off and I was left to care for myself and dd, with sporadic help from relatives as they live a long way away. I found the recovery very tough, even without a toddler. I felt very let down and isolated by dh.

I agree with the other posters that dh should either take more time off to help you or you should have some paid help of your choice, its so important to take care of yourself in the early days, especially if you plan to bf.

Congrats on pg!

Think this is a difficult situation, OP, and don't think anyone is 'unreasonable' - just the situation you're in.

I am 36 weeks pregnant with DC3, and my husband is an IT contractor - if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid. With previous 2 pregnancies he had 2 weeks of paternity leave (week paid, week unpaid), so this is new territory for us.

It is a similar source of tension for us: he's hoping to have day of the birth 'off', and rest of week 'working from home' so he can do the school runs etc. Initially I felt a bit peeved, but I do know that it's not because he's being selfish, he'd much rather be home with me and new baby - he's just worried about not earning his daily rate for 5 days, he's coming to the end of the contract, and we really need to bank as much money as we can in case we need to cover the mortgage for a couple months in between jobs. (I was a childminder, so I am not getting any maternity pay.)

The upside is: DC1 and 2 at school, and if we have to, I will just pay for help (family all live hours away). Obviously, if I'm in hospital with baby for a few days like the other 2, we'll have to think again, but that's the plan.

Like other posters have said - if you DH is just starting, I am sure he can get at least a week off, it won't make much difference to the company if he starts a week later, but it will make a massive difference to you. It probably won't count as 'paternity leave', but it will just mean a very slightly later starting date. But if not, then just buy in lots of lovely food for freezer, a doula, a mother's help, a cleaner and enjoy the early newborn days :o)

Good luck!

If you think he boss woudl be supportive then I really do think he needs to speak to them. Id imagine his new boss would be a bit that your DH didnt even mention it, and that might make his new boss wonder about him in a "hmm, if he couldnt even tel us his wife was having a section, which is pretty bloody important, imagine what he might keep back in a work sense" IYSWIM?

You will need some help, definitely.

Don't be so sure that you would rather struggle alone, I had an ELCS with DS2 and I did nothing for the first week, just fed DS2, cuddled DS1 and healed.
It sounds like you had a very easy recovery from your first section, and while you would hope for the same again there is no guarantee. I could barely walk 6 weeks after my first section because I had tried to do too much too soon, my scar got infected and I was really poorly.

Your husband really needs to raise this, and either adjust his starting date or organise to take some leave.

Hi OP. If you're not due until November (as I understand from reading the thread so far), why not start with a part-time nanny now? That gives plenty of time for you to find someone nice that you, DH and DC1 are 100% comfortable with having in your home. There are lots of lovely nannies out there you know ;)

YANBU OP, recovery from a CS is hard. My car insurance was invalid for six weeks following mine so I couldn't have driven even if I'd felt able to (something to check with your insurance company if you drive - I didn't even realise it could be an issue until a friend advised me to give them a ring). I could barely raise the energy to shower myself for the first fortnight, what with the sheer amount of energy it took to look after newborn DS and I didn't have a toddler to think about as well and had DP at home for three weeks.

I don't know your financial situation but those suggesting 'hire a nanny' or 'hire a mother's help' are possibly living in cloud cuckoo land as I would imagine a good 95% of the people on mumsnet simply could not afford to do such a thing. I would suggest lining up as many troops as possible in the form of friends that live nearby. I know they can't help constantly but if they could take shifts to come and help you out with the housework (bending was agony for me for a good fortnight until the wound had started to heal properly and lifting was out of the question, DS was quite heavy enough thank you) or to take the toddler for a few hours while you get a nap with the newborn.

And your DH should consider that it's not just some piffling little nick into your tummy whilst they pop in and out, it's major abdominal surgery as in all the muscles in your stomach will be sliced through leaving you with virtually NO lifting ability. How exactly does he think you'll cope with a baby and a toddler that won't understand why you can't pick them up?

One piece of advice, if you haven't got one already, buy a changing station or put the changing mat onto the dining table so you don't have to stoop whilst changing the baby's nappies/getting them dressed etc. Also, put the baby bath onto the table for the same reason, it'll save you crippling your back.

End of Oct, first few days of Nov. Hmm, definitely cant afford to pay for a nanny at the moment. DC1 in a nursery 3 days a week until I go on maternity leave as I work PT. Perhaps we could look at extending that for a month or so after the birth as we havent handed in our notice yet. I was thinking about that anyway as it might be too much change for DC1 to have a new baby and be hoiked out of nursery at the same time. We are pretty broke which is one of the reasons why this new job will mean a lot to us, so cant afford to leave her in indefinitely.

Thank you for all your responses. I think i will talk to DH this weekend. after I have softened him up with a glass of wine and a nice meal.

It seems to me that its not unreasonable for me to ask him to mention it to them. They are calling him next week to negotiate (their term) the financial and other bits package offer and if agreed they will send out a contract next week too.

However, if its a negative response from them, we will have to come up with a new plan.

yanbu. Had 2 CSs, so had a toddler when the second one was done and although I had pretty good recoveries I could not have "just coped" as some are suggesting. You may have a support network, you may not, but either way, this is your DHs baby too. Any new employer when issuing contracts etc will expect to be told about any existing holidays / commitments.

He needs to talk to them. Everyone, no matter how long you have been working for them, are entitled to Paternity Leave. Just means it will be unpaid if the form isn't handed in 15 weeks (I think) before due date. They can not deny him Parental Leave, can they?

It happened with us. DP informed them when I was about 34 weeks pregnant that he would need the time off. There was no issues when d day arrived and he went back in after the week off (I was fine and agreed to him going back but I had a VB and a 6 year old so different to a toddler) and they even asked to see photos and his company are well known for being tight gits (they even took the radios away so they didn't have to pay license and make any excuses up to not pay out bonuses to name just two things)

They are hardly going to write him off for asking.

Have also just thought. He is going to be a tiny little bit tired isnt he? DH is not one who copes well with less than his 8 hours sleep.

If your DH is only starting his new job a new weeks before you give birth, then he's not legally entitled to ordinary paternity leave (the standard two weeks off) or pay.

I would imagine most employers would be willing to consider letting him take some unpaid leave instead, or adjust his starting date - particularly if they'd headhunted the new employee - but he really needs to be telling them about it now.

It's unrealistic of him to imagine that you'll be fine coping with a newborn baby and a toddler straight after an ELCS, even if you recover quickly.

I think he needs to tell his employer about the circumstances regardless of whether he plans to take any time off. You're working on the basis that all will be straightforward, which of course we hope is the case. But if there are complications (e.g. a friend of mine contracted MRSA following a CS) then his employers would far rather be prepared to have him start later than to have emergency leave sprung on them.

Even if everything goes swimmingly, you cannot expect to recover from a major operation within a day, and be up to caring alone for a toddler and newborn alone. And there's a limit to what friends can do.

I think starting later so he can be home with you when the baby c

I think the way to give the best first impression is this

1. delay start date until after the baby has come, so he's not starting and then leaving again

1. hire in help for when he goes back so that once he starts his important new job can be his primary focus

If it were me I would not, under any circumstances, want to start a new job and then have to take more leave than planned. One day off when you are having a section is totally unrealistic. His current plan is idiotic, frankly. He runs a very high risk of having to let them down at short notice.

Far better to get the baby's arrival done while he is not yet needing to make any impression at all.

Then, once he does start, have everything arranged so that he can concentrate on his new job and make the best first impression.

What will he need?

Sleep, rest when he gets home to decompress (each day in a new job feels long), crisply ironed shirts, nourishing meals

You can manage all the night wakings, but someone to help you during the day - running errands, ironing, cooking, - so you could concentrate on the children, would be invaluable for a few weeks after he goes back.

Do whatever you can to make this a smooth transition - that means no rushing things, no "you'll have to manage", no unrealistic expectations.

Plan it right - that will impress more than running yourself and your wife ragged by refusing to deal with reality.

If he has been headhunted then they won't be worried about a little thing like another couple of weeks off before he starts, they're willing to wait 5 months anyway so what difference will it make? If they are as family friendly as you say then I would imagine they'll be pretty shocked when he starts and tells them that he new baby was born that day or whatever, they might even think he is lacking in assertiveness for not bringing it up.

Speaking as someone who is involved in recruitment of directors to the board of a plc, and we have waited months for the right person if that's what it takes.

"Sleep, rest when he gets home to decompress (each day in a new job feels long), crisply ironed shirts, nourishing meals"

Seriously???? Are you living in the 1950s?! My DH does his own ironing, and all the cooking; and he's in a very high pressure, high profile job. So am I. And we don't have a nanny.

When I had my second child, my husband took the day off I came home from hospital. He was in the initial training programme for a new career that lasted 7 weeks and if you missed 2 days you had to do it again. I had a 2 year old at home but and here's the big difference I had family with me all the time and I didn't have a CS.

I've done it, its bloody hard and yes you feel very resentful but I couldn't have done it without family support.

However your situation sounds different - he hasn't even brought it up with his prospective employers, we had no choice. If you both decide that he can only take one day off, I would use the day when you are at home not actually having the baby. We were very lucky and my daughter arrived in the evening after my husband had finished work (he made it by 10 mins), I know that will mean he misses the birth but imo a day with him at home will be more beneficial for you.

AThing - ??

This is about how to make the post-birth weeks easy for the OP.
How charitable of you to suggest that she put down her housewifely duties for a week or two!

I hate to admit this, I do iron his shirts (he does loads of stuff at least 50%, but I do the ironing) so wouldnt be doing that.

He is not talking about a day at home, he is talking about the day I have the CS in hospital with me, then thats it. I'll see him when I get home.

I think he is just having an initial paniced reaction because this job is so important to him. Will talk to him at the weekend.

Four months really. This is because we go on holiday for a fortnight in two weeks time and it wouldnt be appropriate for him to hand his notice in before he returns even if paperwork is ready. That takes it to mid July when he hands his notice in. Therefore leaving and starting new job in mid-october.

"This is about how to make the post-birth weeks easy for the OP."

That's what you think it's about.

I think it's about how this family can best manage to have their main wage earner take on an extremely important new job around the time a new baby is born.

My suggestion for post-birth is

1. that her husband is there to help her for the initial few weeks

1. that once he goes back she buys in help to do what he would do if he was still off/when he came home

So no, I'm not suggesting she put down her "housewifely duties" .

Maybe you live in a house where the wife does the housework. But I don't.

I'm suggesting that they bring someone in because it is going to be a pretty busy time at home just when this guy starts a new job.

Under normal circumstances, in a job he had been in for a while (no matter how "high pressured" ), a lot of the extra work created would fall to him because his wife will be recovering from a CS, breastfeeding a newborn and looking after a toddler.

Under normal circumstances, when one spouse starts an important new job and needs extra support at home they get it from the other. But the OP won't be able to provide that support, because she has too much else to be doing.

This is not normal circumstances - a big new job and a brand new baby basically at the same time.

So outsource the work - he can concentrate on his new job, the OP can concentrate on her new baby and her toddler, and someone else can cover the drudge work for a bit to get them through a busy and stressful time for all of them.

"Seriously???? Are you living in the 1950s?! My DH does his own ironing, and all the cooking; and he's in a very high pressure, high profile job. So am I. And we don't have a nanny."

Um ditto.

I don't see what's "living in the 1950s" about approaching busy family times as a team and outsourcing any excess when you have no family help?

I know my DH pulls out the stops to make home life easier for me when I start a new job and it's important I concentrate on that.

Wouldn't yours?

"He is not talking about a day at home, he is talking about the day I have the CS in hospital with me, then thats it. I'll see him when I get home."

Who does he think will be impressed by that?

He will just make himself look like a dick.

A good part of my job role is recruitment and HR in a very male-based industry, so here's my take:

I would spectacularly, amazingly far rather a new employee delayed their start by two weeks than either

a) (best next choice) started their job and immediately went off or

b) Just didn't tell me!

Feel free to show him the next bit:

The half-baked bollocks your DH has going on here would wind me up a treat. 'I'll just take one day and not tell anyone...' is a recipe for making him look a tit, frankly. It doesn't show commitment, it shows panic, and an inability to plan and prioritise. It's applying a strategy of 'oh, shit, er, stick fingers in ears, go la,la,la and pray. Soooo not what's needed in anyone senior.

When our staff do this, it makes me want to sack them on the spot. I can't count how many times I've heard 'oh, my wife's having a baby, no, I didn't tell you cause I'm not planning any time off.' Usually followed by 'What do you mean, what's my plan if it doesn't go smoothly....?'

Even if you do cope, even if he doesn't end up having to make the 3am phone call that inevitably follows the conversation above, it marks his cards. I remember which of our staff did this, and it does not a good impression make!

I'm impressed when staff come to me with things like this, to give myself and the business chance to plan for it. If he tells them now, and better yet, offers suggestions for making it work for all parties, he comes off as mature, balanced, organised and trustworthy. If he hides it, lies about it, omits it, it will cause doubt and resentment.

Thank you for all your responses. I know DH's default position is to prioritise work over everything until he has had other options, ideas pointed out to him then he is more than reasonable. (apart from the time when I locked him out on the balcony of our hotel room on holiday for an hour as he was out there on his blackberry answering work emails every day of our holiday for hours on end) So I do think his response hadn't been thought through yet.

I said, "you do realise you are going to be starting a new job at the same time as I am having the baby". He obviously hadn't realised and said what he said.

I didnt respond to what he said at the time at all, just didnt say anything as I genuinely wanted to think about it and to know AIBU to think that I would find it hard to manage by myself.

I will talk to him at the weekend, but ideas like getting a cleaner at least or starting a couple of weeks later are really helpful.