Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I will need DH to take some paternity leave?

146 replies

Lambzig · 13/06/2012 09:25

DH has just been verbally offered a new job. Its a very good job which will mean more money and seniority and probably job satisfaction too. Great career progression in his profession and I am really, really pleased for him and think its great for both of us for lots of reasons.

My only problem is that by the time that written contracts are sorted and he has worked out his rather long notice period, he will be looking at starting the new job a couple of weeks at most before I am due to give birth and possibly around the same time. We have a toddler and dont have any family near by or family who are helpful IYSWIM.

DH says that this means that he wont be able to take any time off apart from the day itself as he wants to make a good impression and wont be entitled to paternity leave yet.

I understand this and know he needs to make a fantastic impression, but I know the company (we both work in the same profession) and the people he will be working for (really lovely) and they are very family friendly and am sure if he told them about it now, so far in advance, they would be more than understanding about him taking time off or delaying his start date. I am having an ELCS so if things go to plan, he would be able to give them a date fairly soon too. Obviously time off wouldn't be paid, but we can just about manage that for say, a week or so.

DH says he doesnt want to raise it with them as 'it looks bad' and I will just have to manage. I have friends locally who will help (eg looking after my toddler while I am in hospital for a couple of days), but they have their own DC. Am I being a bit spoilt to think it will be difficult to manage a new baby and a toddler on my own straight after an ELCS?

OP posts:
CaliforniaLeaving · 13/06/2012 15:32

If you are pretty young and fit, then I think you may well be U.
My Dh got a half day off while I delivered, c-section, then dropped Ds off each day to a sitter while he worked and I was in hospital. Took one day off to bring us home, then went straight back to work. I was home alone with Ds age 5 and newborn Ds between movies, and stories and breastfeeding we coped just fine. Dh came home and cooked each night and my best friend visited a couple of days to keep me company, she was funny, she peeled me a few oranges and left them in the fridge, that was a huge treat.
By 4 weeks I started driving again and was back to the school run.

hairylemon · 13/06/2012 15:38

being young and fit doesnt determine how you heal and the op goes unfortunately. Im young, fairly fit, and still struggle with pains 8 months on. Mine was a fairly straightforward ELCS, a friend (who is a fair bit older and about as fit as a knackered old Chevette) had an EMCS and was up and about the next day, meanwhile I had to hobble dragging my fanny along the floor to get to the toilet 5 days after.

Rachog · 13/06/2012 15:59

Hi, I am in a similar situation in DP will be starting a new job in the next week or two and I am due in 5 weeks. He won't be entitled to any leave or paternity leave so its a case of I will have to get on with it. We have two other DC age 7 & 4.

However, my DP has not been headhunted so we are counting on this job, my DC are older than yours so less demanding and I hopefully won't be having a CS.

With that in mind I don't think you are BU to want him at home and it can't hurt for him to discuss it with his employer at the very least. I agree with others that if leave is not possible at all, he needs to pay for some help for a couple of weeks.

I don't think he is being selfish btw, I can totally see where he is coming from, I just don't think he quite understands how difficult it is going to be for you.

Noqontrol · 13/06/2012 16:06

Why can't he start a few weeks later? In fairness when I had ds, Dh was ill and took to his bed for the whole two weeks. So I had a newborn, a 2 yr old and Dh to look after. It wasn't easy but it was possible. I think things might be a lot harder if you're having a c section though as presumably there are issues around lifting and carrying?

igggi · 13/06/2012 16:12

He is being very unreasonable to not even ask the new employer. It's all about face isn't it.
If he won't help, I'd be inclined to pack up for birth and go to stay with whatever relatives you have who would look after you. Fwiw I've recently had a section, have a 4 year old too, and even after dh's 2 week leave it was really hard to cope on my own.

PanickingIdiot · 13/06/2012 16:13

I second everything AThingInYourLife said.

Especially the bit about delaying the start date. A two-week delay would hardly matter for the company, and it's far less disruptive this way.

To be honest, I don't quite get what this bloke is thinking. Does he believe he could somehow "hide" the fact that he's going to have a child, so as not to inconvenience his employers? What if there are unexpected complications and he needs to step in more than initially planned? Does that mean he doesn't ever do any childcare whatsoever that would interfere with his work? Don't get me wrong, I get it that work is important and you take your responsibilities seriously etc. but it's not like your wife gives birth every day, is it? And surely having two children is hardly possible without your employers "noticing" one way or another?

MammaTJ · 13/06/2012 16:16

I have had a c-section with a toddler too. Little madam was 54 weeks old when her baby brother was born and just started walking the week before. It is hard work and you will need help! No question about that, but there is a question about where that help should come from.
If he feels unable to ask for pat leave, which is questionable if they are such a family friendly company, then you need to get a home help in for a couple of weeks. Don't delay sorting it out, you need someone booked and ready to help you!

choceyes · 13/06/2012 16:22

YANBU. I can see it from both sides, and that your DH is reluctant to rock the boat. But it sounds like his employers really want him there, so he has some leverage there.
It's a very valid reason to be taking time off for, and more valid than a pre-booked holiday IMO, so if he can take time off for a holiday, then why not a c-section?

I had 2 c-sections. First one was a EMCS and recovery was bad. 2nd was an elective and far easier recovery. Still needed help for the first couple of weeks.

Inertia · 13/06/2012 16:23

I do think you should pass on Ginnybag's very sound advice to your DH.

One thing that his new employers will look very unfavourably on would be lack of communication on his part. If he tells them the situation, they can tell him what to do based on company policy. If he keeps quiet, they are in the dark - not a great start. If he says nothing and refuses to plan for the birth, then anything not running ultra smoothly is going to make him look spectacularly incompetent.

Krumbum · 13/06/2012 16:23

No he should ask for it. Your baby is more important

splashymcsplash · 13/06/2012 16:24

YANBU in the slightest.

I actually think that its pretty disgusting that some people here think that fathers owe so little to their children.

After a cs you will need a lot of support

NatashaBee · 13/06/2012 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZhenThereWereTwo · 13/06/2012 16:49

YANBU - it is abdominal sugery

I just had my second EMCS with DD2, DD1 was 2.9 when she was born. Apart from the fact that I was in hospital for 3 days, even once out I was severely anaemic due to loss of blood, in a lot of pain and not safe to be left alone with a toddler and a newborn as I was very woozy. I could not lift DD1 at all until 6 weeks after the CS. You cannot lift anything heavier than baby until GP gives you all clear at 6 weeks without risking opening up the scar.

I think he should take a week minimum and then pay for someone to help you once you get out of hospital for a further two weeks minimum. After 3 weeks you can do most things except lifting, but are not so tender so toddler can climb onto your lap for cuddles and you can do most things in the house, go out for walks etc...

cricketballs · 13/06/2012 17:18

My first thought on reading the opening post was I understand both sides and that you both have valid, important points on the issue; but what would you do if you were a single? Then you wouldn't have dh there at all so you would find a way to cope......

Your dh will also have on his mind that he has to support his dw and 2 dc he will have this pressing on his mind so he will will be thinking of the future rather than the immediate

AThingInYourLife · 13/06/2012 17:47

" but what would you do if you were a single? Then you wouldn't have dh there at all so you would find a way to cope......"

She isn't single.

She doesn't need to find a way to cope alone.

Her husband isn't single either. He has a responsibility to his wife and children.

He can't just renege on that because some women don't have husbands. how ridiculous.

There is nothing shameful about having a pregnant wife who will need support post-birth.

It's entirely normal. A company who has headhunted him and waited 4 months for him to start won't care a damn for another few weeks for an existing commitment such as this.

PanickingIdiot · 13/06/2012 17:54

OP is not single. And even if she was, her kid would still have two parents.

Presumably her husband wanted to have this child, too. In which case it shouldn't even be a question what/who comes first. It's not like the family would starve if he misses two weeks at work, ffs.

cricketballs · 13/06/2012 18:00

I didn't mean my post in a derogatory way but just to put another 'spin' on the situation Confused

after thinking about it more; I believe that my point about dh thinking about being the provider will be the forefront rather than the immediate needs

OTTMummA · 13/06/2012 18:01

I think if my dh did this, and just expected me to manage with a toddler it would end up with our marriage in trouble.
It could cause a lot of resentment and bitterness, damaging the relationship quite badly,, and all for him to save face Hmm

I don't think the husband and some people who have answered here would have the same opinion if the op was having surgery for something else.
If you had major abdominal surgery for any other reason no one would be saying, 'oh well you will just have to manage' imagine his response if you left him with a toddler and newborn after having surgery, bet he wouldn't be that impressed.

Moominsarescary · 13/06/2012 18:20

Yanbu when ds3 was born 8 weeks early dp was off for a week while ds was in neonatal. He couldn't have any more time off due to being self employed and subcontracting. I realy struggled just walking down to see ds due to the emcs.

When i lost ds4 at 20 weeks 6 months after ds3, dp had a week off leading up to the birth but had to go back 3 days after the birth as they were threatening to get another contractor in ( lovely company!)

He should at least ask for the time, if he can't get it I'm sure you will manage but you shouldn't have too

tinkerbel72 · 13/06/2012 18:25

Well, clearly women DO cope because paternity leave is a relatively recent thing. My older work colleagues had husbands who took literally the birth day off and were back in the office next morning. However, just because you CAN cope doesn't mean he should automatically assume he won't take time off

AThingInYourLife · 13/06/2012 18:31

"and all for him to save face"

That's the worst of this - thinking of putting his family through all this stress to make himself look like a ineffectual, spineless loser.

halcyondays · 13/06/2012 18:52

But years ago, women stayed in hospital for at least a week, if not more. Now even after a section, they are sent home after a couple of days.

LibrariansMakeNovelLovers · 13/06/2012 18:53

'Well, clearly women DO cope because paternity leave is a relatively recent thing.'

They also used to spend 10 days in hospital while the older DC were sent to stay with relatives or they had female family members stay with them after the birth.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 13/06/2012 18:53

I had a C section and a toddler DD to look after and my DH had no leave at all. I was fine. Yes the house looked like it had been robbed....but I was ok.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 13/06/2012 18:56

What do people think happens with women who'se husbands are in the army? At night, DH did all the bottles (yes I bottle fed but if you BF it will be even simpler) I sat on the sofa next to the new DD whilst the older DD played and watched TV...I made tonnes of frozen meals in advance...we ate them and other stuff that needed no cooking....I washed in the kitchen so I didn't have to lug new DD upstairs....

What do new Mothers EXPECT if ther DH is working full time? Yes...help or time off is nice but not always practical.