To think that I will need DH to take some paternity leave?

[Lambzig]

DH has just been verbally offered a new job. Its a very good job which will mean more money and seniority and probably job satisfaction too. Great career progression in his profession and I am really, really pleased for him and think its great for both of us for lots of reasons.

My only problem is that by the time that written contracts are sorted and he has worked out his rather long notice period, he will be looking at starting the new job a couple of weeks at most before I am due to give birth and possibly around the same time. We have a toddler and dont have any family near by or family who are helpful IYSWIM.

DH says that this means that he wont be able to take any time off apart from the day itself as he wants to make a good impression and wont be entitled to paternity leave yet.

I understand this and know he needs to make a fantastic impression, but I know the company (we both work in the same profession) and the people he will be working for (really lovely) and they are very family friendly and am sure if he told them about it now, so far in advance, they would be more than understanding about him taking time off or delaying his start date. I am having an ELCS so if things go to plan, he would be able to give them a date fairly soon too. Obviously time off wouldn't be paid, but we can just about manage that for say, a week or so.

DH says he doesnt want to raise it with them as 'it looks bad' and I will just have to manage. I have friends locally who will help (eg looking after my toddler while I am in hospital for a couple of days), but they have their own DC. Am I being a bit spoilt to think it will be difficult to manage a new baby and a toddler on my own straight after an ELCS?

Nobody said it was impossible.

Just that it was far from ideal, unnecessary under the circumstances, and likely to achieve the opposite of creating a good impression, so counterproductive.

I would be extraordinarily unimpressed by a new employee who didn't want to take time off to be with his new baby, his other child and his partner.

Mother because that's your job as an employer is it? To judge other peoples family choices? I would be extraordinarily unimpressed by an employer who had the gall to have an opinion on my family arrangements.

Devon YES>..me! I had a section and a toddler and I was alone because DH had to work...no choice. I wouldn't dream of kicking off. It was the way it was!

"Mother because that's your job as an employer is it? To judge other peoples family choices? I would be extraordinarily unimpressed by an employer who had the gall to have an opinion on my family arrangements."

A haaaa haaaa :o

Hilarious!

Your entire argument is that the OP must out up and shut up for fear of the employer having an opinion on their family arrangement! :o

But thehouse, your body allowed you to cope due to your body's (very fortunate) response to surgery. i wasnt so lucky. nor was my friend who nearly died and was in ITU. you just cannot assume that someone will be mobile enough to cope

gosh this has got very heated.

I'd just like to say that I am not freaking out about this, just trying to plan and figure out what to do.

I am sure DH just had an initial reaction which I can understand and blurted out his first thoughts. He does normally put family first, for example did his best not to travel away overnight the first year of DC1's life when previously he had been away most weeks.

My gut reaction was to immediately tell him he had to take time off, but I wanted to get views on whether I would need help, before I went wading in.

Family is not an option for us as my parents are lovely, but not able to cope to give much help and DH's parents aren't interested and certainly wouldn't travel to be with us.

DH is away tonight for work, so will have a chat with him at the weekend.

for heavens sake thehouse, I am not kicking off. Haven't said a word to DH yet, just wondering what the best plan is.

Lambzig you sound very level headed - I'll think you'll be just fine.

Thank you, I think its my age. And thanks to all of the people who gave me brilliant advice about other options. Its great that when I talk to DH I can put the side of how it might look if he didnt mention it at all and ideas of what approach to take if he does discuss it with them, so you have given us lots of ideas.

Firstly, all these posts saying "well I did it and I was fine" are meaningless, because you don't know yet how you will recover. Yes, you might be skipping round the ward and flushing your painkillers down the toilet the next day (apparently). You might, God forbid, have complications and a longer stay in hospital or an infection or just a longer, harder healing process. And it would be sensible to sort something out in advance.

I have had a cs and a dh that went back to work the next day. In ENORMOUSLY different circumstances. I was in hospital for a week afterwards, ds was in SCBU, we had no other children. (Dh had just started a new job, was not entitled to paternity leave so we wanted to save his annual leave for when ds came home). Three days post cs I was still taking morphine. It would have been very very very difficult for me to cope at home on my own with a baby. It was hard enough coping in hospital/SCBU.

Resoundingly YANBU from me.

Sorry, Lambzig, I do tend to get heated when confronted with the "suck it up" brigade who think women should expect nothing from their husbands because some men are dead.

Best of luck with it all, and do whatever you need to do to make the post-birth/new job period as steady as you can :)

He does need to make a good impression at a pretty tricky time - but that can't be at your expense.

My DH got a new job when I was about 6 or 7 months pg. He was REALLY worried about taking 2 weeks off when the baby was born as he was in the middle of a 6m employment probation period in the new job, but I begged him to.

He took the 2 weeks, and was very hands on once he went back to work, despite being shattered, and really struggling to concentrate stay awake in work. As a result he failed his probation period, which (lucky for us) got extended, and he is still working in the same company 6 years later, thank goodness.

I'm not necessarily sorry he took the time off as it was lovely at the time, but I just felt so desperately sorry that he struggled so much with work afterwards. He was SO down, and we were both so worried about what would happen if we lost his salary! I guess my point is, its not always as black and white as it seems. It is not easy being the main wage earner - working in a new job and trying to juggle a new baby/paternity leave/night wakings etc.

OP YANBU at all. Threads like this really really annoy me as it seams some people just love to say "well I coped / my mum coped so why can't you yadda yadda. Why is the lowest common denominator the one we should all aim for?

And theHouse I see that your HV visited daily. In my area the MW visits once (then you have to go to them) and the HV visits once about 10 days post birth and that's it. And I think that is pretty normal in most places.

I had an EMCS with DS1 and an ELCS with DS2 and I most definitely needed help for a good few weeks afterwards. DS1 did 4 days at nursery for 6 weeks after (he normally does 3) and my MIL looked after him on the 5th day, as I couldn't (wasn't allowed to and couldn't physically manage to) lift him. That means I couldn't get him in and out of his cot, high chair etc. There were a couple of occasions when I lifted him onto the sofa, so just the tiniest of lifts, and I really really felt it.

A CS is major surgery and you need time and help to recover, no question. Sure, if there was noone at all (say you were a forces wife) then you'd have to manage, but you'd be putting yourself at risk. And you're not a forces wife, so that is completely irrelevant.

Having a baby is a normal life event. Your DH's employer has head-hunted him, he really wants him. (s)he is not going to think he is in the slightest bit unreasonalble for wanting to start a bit later or work from home following the birth. As many other posters have said, they are more likely to think he is, quite frankly, a dickhead for not having some time off!

My DH is a contractor so if he doesn;t work, he doesn't get paid. He had 4 days completely off after I had DS2. Once we were back at home he worked from home. He didn't do 9-5, just fitted his 8 hours in around the needs of me and our children. His employer was fine with this, luckily.

You need to sit down with your DH and explain the practical issues you'll face following your CS such as not being able to lift your toddler, that you will have to follow medical advice to remain safe and recover well, and that this will be pretty much impossible without him at home to help. You are not being difficult, you are being realistic.

Good luck

"He took the 2 weeks, and was very hands on once he went back to work, despite being shattered, and really struggling to concentrate stay awake in work."

This is why I recommended buying in help until you get back on your feet properly.

Once he starts that job, he needs to give it everything.

And that means there won't be much left when he gets home.

And you will still need help.

So instead of getting it from him, pay someone else to provide it.

Once he is established in work and you are feeling well again you can get back to normal.

If money's tight, think of it as an investment in your future.

Yanbu at all. My dh started a new job when I was pregnant so didn't qualify for pat leave. He was totally up front with his new employer from the start and they arranged a mix of holiday and paid leave not from his holiday allowance. He needs to speak to them now and I'm sure they can cone to some arrangement.

Update (just because I hate it when people don't update). Talked to DH last night and he admitted he hadn't thought it through. He manages a big team of people, so I asked him what he would do if he was recruiting someone who told him they would need paternity leave just after starting and he admitted, he woudl do everything to get them the time off paid. He also got that it could make him look bad if he doesn't mention it.

He will tell them about it when he speaks to them next week and see what they say giving them a few of the options you suggest.

Thanks for the advice.

Oh well done - and thanks for updating!

And well done to your DH for calming down and thinking things through. Mine gets in a flap with regard to new jobs etc, especially when the money is a big upgrade and is going to make a big difference to our lives.

Yay!

Best of luck with the new baby and new job. It will be hectic, but life is fun like that :)

Thanks for updating.

Ace!

Best of luck!

That is good news :)