To not want my dp to go on holiday with another woman?

[SleepyDopeyGrumpy]

His best friend who he has been intimate with in the past and who he spends a lot of time with.

AIBU?

mary, that would probably be very appropriate

Is the 1st most frustrating the spitball thread??

I concur with mary, the spitball thread is #3

Sleepy,

If you are already arguing when you are not living together and 8 weeks into a relationship, it is not a good relationship. Just finish it.

As for the holiday itself, I would have thought that he should not go had you been seeing each other a bit longer and had a serious commitment. After 8 weeks though, he probably feels like he should be able to do what he likes. And he should. The thing is that at this stage he should do what he likes and you should do what you like and, if either of you are unhappy with it, you should finish. That is kind of what the dating stage is all about.

YANBU in thinking that there are issues with this man that may mean this relationship is not for you. It's weird you haven't met the girl.

YABU that he shouldn't go on holiday - IMO.

My DH has had a lot of holidays with his single female friends and I have no problem with this -

• DH likes to go holidays that don't appeal to me. He has friends living in a remote rainforest village full of cockroaches the size of dogs and no indoor plumbing. He visits them every year and goes all Bear Grylls for a week or two. I have no desire to accompany him!

• A single female friend wanted to go said rainforest, it wasn't safe for her to travel alone so they went together. There was no hanky panky (she is now married & expecting).

• DH likes to ski, I am indifferent to it. Again, he has gone with single female friends who like to ski and didn't have a partner to go with. He has a female friend in Switzerland he has visited for ski holidays.

• When I was single, before I met DH, I went on holidays with male friends (who were sometimes single, sometimes not) because IT'S FUCKING RUBBISH to travel as a single female in many cases. I went diving in Egypt and I would have never travelled to a Muslim country as a lone female. The hassle factor is huge IMO.

I didn't shag any of my travelling companions.

If this is a regular holiday and you have only been together 2 months then (other issues aside) it's no biggie.

I don't think replies saying that the holiday is acceptable are helpful to the op and will just encourage her.

Reasons are not everyone is 'secure' enough to want their partner to go away alone with someone of the opposite sex, and, under normal circumstances in a happy, secure long term relationship where there are shared interests it might be acceptable. This op situation just isn't normal.

Jeez I've dumped a guy for less than this, I know how painful a bad relationship can be. The first few months should be amazing so if the starts bad I'd get out before I got in too deep.

Lalaland,

But they have been seeing each other 8 WEEKS. Should you really be able to make any demands of someone after such a short amount of time? And, fair enough to dump him for it because it probably means they are incompatible. Telling him not to go, OTOH, is incredibly controlling. If someone had told me to alter the nature of one of my friendships after 8 weeks, I would have dumped her.

is this woman, this "mostly lesbian" actually a man ?

it's an interesting twist

I bet the OP's family background has a bearing on this situation. Who trained you for this depressing scenario OP? Mother? Father? Both? Apologies for the amateur psychology, but IMHO this level of denial and determination to fix the unfixable is usually set in childhood.

So we're pretty much wasting our time.

when I first started seeing my now-H he was booked to go on a round the world backpacking trip for a year within a few months, which kicked off with a massive lads trip where no doubt there would be drinking and shagging galore

I didn't have the right to ask him not to go, so he went with my blessing

we were dating, not "in a relationship" at such an early stage

however, that also meant I was free to choose what I wanted to do...walk away at that point or wave him off with a smile and do my own thing and see if we were still hot-to-trot when he got back

if he had made any threats at all, however, kept me away from these friends he was travelling with or otherwise acted in any dodgy way at all, the losses would have been cut and I would have been gone pronto

Larry it's too soon to make demands. But if they're supposed to be seeing eachother and only eachother. And he's going away to shag his shag buddy, it's a very bad start. They should probably be thinking about a night away together.

As you say anyway it comes down to the fact that they're clearly incompatable.

I agree larry. When I first read the thread I assumed it may have already been arranged and booked before they'd even met, in which case she has no right to demand anything.

However, even if he only decided last week, I don't think she is in a position to start laying down the law just yet. I think his attitude to keeping her and his friends very separate just shows that she is investing far more emotionally into this than he is. Having read some of the background now I think he sounds like an awful high maintenance idiot and I don't know why she's bothering really.

HM,

Totally agree. If you are negotiating a relationship when you are dating, that is a sign to finish it. How on earth are you going to manage sharing living space and (maybe) eventually children?!

He does sound like a bit of a controlling idiot. The OP, on the other hand, sounds quite needy.

I think he sounds like someone who isn't very assertive and has a problem with saying 'No'firmly. Because all his behaviour suggests that he is trying to communicate that he does not want a relationship with the OP and is trying to let her down lightly, but she is not listening and is in fact putting a lot of pressure on someone with MH issues to be her Perfect Boyfriend.

SleepyDopeyGrumpey, what you would be best off doing is walking away from this man, making a firm promise to yourself that you do not date or engage in any type of sexual/romantic encounters for a whole year, and then you spend that year doing some work on yourself, maybe with the help of a counsellor, to fix your boundaries and learn the lesson that it's fine to be single and that no one owes you a relationship.

There was a thread a bit like this a year or two back, when everyone started off saying what a bastard the bloke was, and it gradually emerged that the OP had been told by him that the relationship was over and that he wanted her to move out of his house (in this case she had a house of her own so he wasn't putting her in the street) but she wouldn't leave and kept wailing on about how much she loved him. This man was bringing a new partner home, going on holiday with the new partner, and the OP still wouldn't move out of his house. I think it ended up with him having her physically removed by the police and taking out a restraining order (and there were still some people going, what a bastard, how could he be so cruel?). Mind you don't go the same way, OP.

oh blimey, sgb, I will always remember that thread !

OMG I am going to have to hunt that thread down. Whatever it was she'd been drinking there are a few of them on it round here this week as well. Just how many ways can a man show a woman that she is flogging a dead horse before she gets it?

me too...

Shall I say it for her?

[sigh]

I remember that thread - name began with a D.

It certainly was a thread that certainly changed tide. I didn't know he got a restraining order in the end.

I don't usually bother because I am so bored of explaining this all the chuffing time but bipolar disorder does not "make" you sleep with people. Sure, when you are experiencing a manic period you might be hornier than usual and have far fewer inhibitions than you might normally have... but it gets on my tits to no end when people use this as such an obvious excuse for twattish behaviour.

Oh FFS. It doesn't matter.