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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want my dp to go on holiday with another woman?

252 replies

SleepyDopeyGrumpy · 11/06/2012 19:07

His best friend who he has been intimate with in the past and who he spends a lot of time with.

AIBU?

OP posts:
garlicfanjo · 11/06/2012 22:27

Very few people here have questioned the value of opposite-sex friendships, Graham. I'm with those who find this friend's reluctance to be happy for her 'pal' or even meet his girlfriend - along with the guy's putting the 'friend's feelings in front of his girlfriend's, emotionally blackmailing OP and silencing her with his "don't start" comments - a deeply untrustworthy and unlikeable proposition.

What she's describing looks nothing like a healthy, secure opposite-sex friendship.

solidgoldbrass · 11/06/2012 22:29

I have just read the OP's other thread. SleepyDopeyGrumpy I think you are the one behaving unreasonably in that you are trying to force this man into a committed relationship with you when he is demonstrating in every way that he doesn't want to be your lifepartner. I'm beginning to feel a bit sorry for him as he is clearly trying to extricate himself nicely and you are not letting him go.

lalaland3008 · 11/06/2012 22:30

OP this is the fourth thread you've posted about this guy and he's already cheated. Just get rid.

Rindercella · 11/06/2012 22:32

Oh God, another thread where some woman is so fucking desperate to be with someone she will put up with the most appalling behaviour from an utter twat.

It is so depressing. Probably the most annoying thing about it is that the OPs post for advice and then refuse to listen to any of it and fail to acknowledge anyone who is trying to help (other than to refute the troll allegations).

lalaland3008 · 11/06/2012 22:32

Solid, he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship but he must realise that the op does so why is he still there?

This thread is actually making me really sad I've never heard of such a bad start to a relationship and actually dread to think where this is going to go.

GrahamTribe · 11/06/2012 22:36

garlic, I would expect my own friend of 34 years to put his DP way before me. I'd be a little more surprised that a guy would put a girlfriend of a few weeks or months ahead of a long-standing friend, regardless of the person's sex. Besides, the guy doesn't seem to me to be doing that in any real way. He's keeping an already established arrangement of holidaying with an old friend (the OP said it happens annually) while being totally honest about it and while putting the OP's birthday first. He didn't need to tell the OP anything, much less that the woman was an old fling, from what I can gather.

The other thread might shine more light, I haven't read it (but solid usually speaks with good sense. :) ).

solidgoldbrass · 12/06/2012 00:19

Lala: I think he's trying to get away but she won't give up. It's quite difficult, sometimes, to end a relationship with someone who is determined that you will love them and who just isn't listening when you say you're not sure, you would like to cool things down, maybe you're not ready for commitment, etc, but the person just won't go away.

Pandemoniaa · 12/06/2012 00:55

Please, OP, re-read some of your earlier threads and try to imagine your reaction if they'd been written by someone else. Because they don't paint an encouraging picture, do they?

Almost before your brief encounter had got started (because, let's face it, he is not a partner in any understood meaning of the word) you were worried about how you would deal with his alleged BPD and how there had "already been some major issues regarding sexual impulsiveness and fear of loneliness that resulted in him sleeping with somebody else in the same weekend as myself". Now while I'm no expert on BPD, in the context of what was to come, he does seem to have set the stage to behave with complete disregard for fidelity on the grounds that his impulsiveness means he can't control the need to fuck someone else.

A month into this brief encounter (for he is not a partner in any understood meaning of the word) you were asking if it was reasonable for him to spend every Thursday night with this part-time lesbian. He excused the need for this arrangement by telling you she was "...as his best friend part of his support network regarding the mental health issues i mentioned".

Your next thread ponders the reasonability of him refusing to allow you to meet his friends. Yet again he has a wonderfully creative excuse for this bizarre state of affairs, namely "He says he acts different with them than he does to me and that has lead to bad experiences before.".

Now, two months down the line, he and the girl who is Mainly A Lesbian are planning to go on holiday together. You aren't invited because she isn't comfortable meeting you.

How much more humiliation are you prepared to take?

Kayoe · 12/06/2012 01:00

Fuck that - yanbu! Not in a million years. Are they sharing a room?

tallwivglasses · 12/06/2012 01:20

What Pande said.

OP do you have any rl friends/relatives who have met this man? What do they think of him? Do they know your situation? I'm guessing you're pretty isolated.

Please listen to your friends on the interweb.

Wingedharpy · 12/06/2012 01:35

And if you won't end it for your own sake, end it for the sake of your sons.
Regardless of how old they are, they are watching all this going on and they will pick up on your unhappiness.

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/06/2012 01:45

ive just read your other threads, please can i ask why you are persisting with this man?

he sounds like incredibly incredibly hard work, he has a diagnosed personality disorder, and you have not been seeing him for very long, why are you devalueing yourself so so much in putting up with this? your other threads suggest to me that you would be so much better letting go of this "relationship" it all sounds like you are very desperate and very needy to put up with the behaviour he exhibits, whether due to a mental health condition or not.

PrincessFiorimonde · 12/06/2012 05:10

You are nuts.

catinboots · 12/06/2012 05:29

Stunned into silence here

Morloth · 12/06/2012 05:49

Meh, too hard, just dump him.

catinboots · 12/06/2012 06:04

How old are you OP? And how old are your DCs?

Fireandashes · 12/06/2012 06:15

Has he fed you a load of shit about his previous GFs bailing/letting him down/fuelling his insecurities? Are you now determined to prove you're different, you're the one who can stick with him and 'fix' him (/rescue him) where the others have failed?

That kind of naïveté and pig-headedness in the face of every scrap of evidence is just going to buy you and your DCs a world of pain, OP. You're not the one who can 'fix' him - no one can. He's a twat who is spinning you a line to do his own sweet thing. That's not the behaviour of someone who loves or respects you, and in my book 'love' and 'respect' are fairly fundamental prerequisites for a meaningful relationship.

I'm married to a man with chronic MH issues. He would never, in a million years, treat me the way this man has treated you.

You might feel differently about him but he does not see you as his 'DP'.

HecateTrivia · 12/06/2012 06:15

Well. That back story changes things considerably.

That's the story of a man who really isn't all that into you. The only way he could make it more clear that he's not that into you would be if he took out an ad in the times.

You really would be better off backing off a bit.

HerMajestyQueenHillyzabethII · 12/06/2012 06:24

He's broken and she's trying to fix him. He's her project. It's her job to make him capable of 'normal' love. She thinks if she loves him enough she can turn him nice.

Which is always a Very Bad Idea, but will these young gels listen? Will they feck.

MsPaperbackWriter · 12/06/2012 06:35

Well you may not be a troll but you don't want to listen to any good advice and obviously have zero respect for yourself if this is the kind of 'relationship' you want. It's also quite obvious we are wasting outmr time with you so best leave you to it. It's your life and if this is how you allow yourself to be treated that's your choice.

stuffitunderthebed · 12/06/2012 06:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hyperballad · 12/06/2012 07:01

Ok, OP there is a reason why you are sleepy, dopey and grumpy and that is because you are hanging around with a guy that is totally wrong for you!

So if I have this right you have been with this bloke for 8 weeks. It is quite normal that after 8 weeks of dating/shagging/seeing or whatever you want to call it, we find out that this person is not suited to us. It is perfectly normal to not find the right boyfriend in every man we meet. That is the lovely thing about being an adult with choices, WE CAN CHOOSE WHO WE WANT TO BE WITH!

So why the hell are you choosing this man? What would be best for you is put this one down to experience and shout NEXT!

But....and this is really worrying.... you are talking about 'working through things' etc, What 'things' can you possibly have to work through after 8 weeks? NEXT!

Instead of writing a this thread on here, you should have been sat with a girlfriend, chatting over a glass of wine, having a giggle about this guy you've just dumped because over the last few weeks you've realised he ain't for you.

You say he has mental health issues, I think you probably have too OP because it is the only explanation I can think of to explain your way of thinking.

NEXT!

Confused
Hyperballad · 12/06/2012 07:03

..... sorry I meant to add,

the next few choices you make, make them to become AwakeCleverHappy.

Good Luck.

RubyGates · 12/06/2012 07:20
Shock

Are you my mother? I ask because she is so very, very thick skinned and desperate, her ex-boyfriend had to actually go on a cruise with his new partner before she would accept that she had been dumped.

He kept making polite excuses to try and get out of the relationship rather than dump her painfully and hurt her feelings. Apparently she hadn't even noticed that the realtionship had ended some time before.

She was that desperate for it to continue that she wilfully mis-read his cues.

AnyFucker · 12/06/2012 09:56

This is the second most frustrating thread on Mumsnet today.

< sigh >

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