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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel this way about DP staying out for the night

434 replies

OhWhatAPalaver · 08/06/2012 23:09

i kinda think i'm being a bit silly here but not sure... i'll try and be concise.
our DD is 5 months old and a bottle refuser, meaning i am unable to go anywhere or do anything at the moment. i have completely accepted this to be the case and i don't mind too much, i can live with not being able to go out for a while.

DP works shifts, pretty much always late ones. he knew he was getting off a bit early tonight so was going to meet up with some friends (mostly girls) for a few drinks. fine by me, no problem at all. he doesn't go out often so i'm ok with this.

however, i get a text not long ago saying he is now going to his friends house, so i call him and ask how he's getting back as its not on the right bus route. he says he might get a taxi or might stay on their couch, he's not sure. i must have sounded disappointed as he said i sounded miserable. i always seem to feel sad and anxious if he stays out and i feel that, being a father now, he should be responsible and come home.

i am slightly concerned as he was only saying the other day that he wants more excitement in his life and is a bit bored at the mo as he feels like all he does is work and doesn't get much time to see his friends any more. i explained that we have a young baby and that's generally what happens for a while.... i don't want him to feel like he cant go anywhere but i really would prefer him to come home tonight rather than tomorrow. AIBU?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 23:10

your partner is a selfish twat

yanbu

no "family man" stays out like this

none worth his salt, anyway

AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 23:11

and you are being a walkover, sorry

PowderPuffAndCurlyWhiskers · 08/06/2012 23:11

YAB slightly U. Let him have a night off. You said it's not a regular thing. No reason why you all should suffer is there? He will be home tomorrow, feeling better (if not rougher) than today, and life will go on.

PowderPuffAndCurlyWhiskers · 08/06/2012 23:12

Oh sorry, that wasn't very MN of me was it?

Leave the bastard!

AgentZigzag · 08/06/2012 23:12

Are you bothered because you want his company/help at home, or because you don't trust him?

What's your relationship like? Has he given you any reason not to trust him in the past?

AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 23:14

yep, when you are a grown man with a family, the "excitement" you really need is getting pissed with young females and not coming home

yeah

let him have his single life freedom, OP, he's a man and he deserves it

< sigh >

AgentZigzag · 08/06/2012 23:14

Is that a bit strong AF?

I don't think there's anything bad about someone stopping out if they're on a night out, unless it's a regular thing/there are other things pissing the OP off about their relationship.

fattyfatfat · 08/06/2012 23:15

It's just a bit selfish imo

WorraLiberty · 08/06/2012 23:16

I think he should get a taxi home to be honest.

Other than that, you're absolutely right to not mind him going out every now and then.

You'll be able to do it too one day Smile

Original poster
OhWhatAPalaver · 08/06/2012 23:16

i do trust him, but i don't particularly trust his friends if you see what i mean. they are rather promiscuous.... that said, he has never given me any reason not to trust him and i honestly don't think he would cheat on me.

we have a generally good relationship, we're very open and honest with each other. he is finding it harder than me to adjust to parenthood though!

i would just feel better if he came home i guess.

OP posts:
PowderPuffAndCurlyWhiskers · 08/06/2012 23:17

I'm with zigzag. What good is he at home if he can't do any night feeds and will probably only be asleep any way? Unless there is a deep motive for OP wanting him at home, i.e. - not trusting him with his company, then I can't see an issue.

She has stated it isn't a regular thing, so he's hardly out playing Mr Bachelor 2012 is he?

PowderPuffAndCurlyWhiskers · 08/06/2012 23:18

If you want him at home, then tell him if you are so open and honest with each other. Then let him make his own decision from there.

AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 23:19

it's my opinion, AZZ

I don't think it's fair, and it pisses me off when I see women tell other women they should suck up such selfish behaviour

there is no reason on earth he shouldn't come home

he isn't some pissed up stoodent with no regular space to lay his head

he has a home, and a young family

that is where he should be coming home too

not moaning about "not getting anough excitement" and unilaterally deciding the way to get that is to make his wife into a second class citizen fit only to get the bacon on for him when he sses fit to return to the hotel he calls home

WorraLiberty · 08/06/2012 23:19

i do trust him, but i don't particularly trust his friends if you see what i mean. they are rather promiscuous

Well if you trust him you don't need to trust anyone else.

It's irrational anyway to 'trust' people you don't really know.

aquashiv · 08/06/2012 23:20

The vagueness would annoy me is he or isnt he coming home tonight? I wouldnt sleep if I thought some drunken old kebab scoffing lump was about to descend on me.
Can you go for a night out yourself Op having a baby is tiring. Do you get time off too?

Original poster
OhWhatAPalaver · 08/06/2012 23:21

powder thank you for your rational advice! i know he could be out doing this every weekend if he wanted to but he hardly every does go out and this is the first time he's stayed out since DD was born.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 23:21

red flag

"finding it hard to adjust to parenthood"

you are making excuses for him, OP

finding it hard to adjust to parenthood doesn't mean that you can opt out

if he was really struggling with that, he would be at home, trying his best to help you, not getting pissed and crashing on random sofas

lepetitchoufleur · 08/06/2012 23:23

So here's the thing. I bet your knackered, probably emotional (I know I was when DS was that age. Feck, I still am) and probably don't want to feel like you're doing all of the work of raising a child alone. So him staying out all night probably feels a little like he's abandoning you. But I think actually you know really its fine for him to be out on a one of basis. YANBU to be sad, but take a deep breath and stay chilled. Then text him to let him know he needs to bring home with him for you a seriously LARGE box of choccies or treat of your choice. Everyone needs a break, this is his. He needs to provide yours in return. Or at least that's what I think!

AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 23:23

OP, if you truly weren't bothered by this, or considered it a one-off, you wouldn't be posting here to strangers

rhondajean · 08/06/2012 23:23

I completely agree with AF.

Of course he can have some time off.

He is getting that now.

He should be home, and he should grow up, but yes op does need to say to him if he is too daft to realise that himself.

AgentZigzag · 08/06/2012 23:26

If you trust him, you trust him.

It's OK to take a bit of time to adjust to parenthood, that's not excusing him reverting to student behaviour and not taking his responsibilities seriously, but everyone needs some time to come to terms with having another vulnerable person depending on them.

You sound trapped by not being able to get out, is there any way you can do something with your friends/family?

rhondajean · 08/06/2012 23:26

He could be out doing this every weekend if he wanted to?

Really?

So because he doesn't do it all the time, bad behaviour is ok?

TheSecondComing · 08/06/2012 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlbertoFrog · 08/06/2012 23:27

I know where you're coming from OP. I'm still BFing DS last thing at night and through the night and although DS will take a bottle I don't really want to give up that comfort.

I'm happy for DH to go out and happy for him to stay out. But... I want him to want to come home to us. I don't really mind if he wants to stay out (DS and I can co-sleep or I get the bed to myself) but it's just nice knowing that he doesn't want to stay away.

Hope this makes sense.

WorraLiberty · 08/06/2012 23:28

we have a generally good relationship, we're very open and honest with each other. he is finding it harder than me to adjust to parenthood though!

And at least you understand that OP.

Many parents find the adjustment hard so he's not alone.

I think a good heart to heart is in order where you can explain to him that you have no problem at all with him going out now and again but that you really would like him to come home at the end of the night...if that's how you feel.