to feel this way about DP staying out for the night

[OhWhatAPalaver]

i kinda think i'm being a bit silly here but not sure... i'll try and be concise.
our DD is 5 months old and a bottle refuser, meaning i am unable to go anywhere or do anything at the moment. i have completely accepted this to be the case and i don't mind too much, i can live with not being able to go out for a while.

DP works shifts, pretty much always late ones. he knew he was getting off a bit early tonight so was going to meet up with some friends (mostly girls) for a few drinks. fine by me, no problem at all. he doesn't go out often so i'm ok with this.

however, i get a text not long ago saying he is now going to his friends house, so i call him and ask how he's getting back as its not on the right bus route. he says he might get a taxi or might stay on their couch, he's not sure. i must have sounded disappointed as he said i sounded miserable. i always seem to feel sad and anxious if he stays out and i feel that, being a father now, he should be responsible and come home.

i am slightly concerned as he was only saying the other day that he wants more excitement in his life and is a bit bored at the mo as he feels like all he does is work and doesn't get much time to see his friends any more. i explained that we have a young baby and that's generally what happens for a while.... i don't want him to feel like he cant go anywhere but i really would prefer him to come home tonight rather than tomorrow. AIBU?

by saying he "wants some excitement" he is making it clear his homelife isn't enough for him

clearly getting pissed with young females and kipping on a random sofa is much more enticing to him

and effectively he makes his partner STFU, because if she nags, that will push him away all the more, won't it ?

he would be justified in his selfishness after all !

and some of you are condoning this, because he deserves a break ?

So it's not okay for him to ignore her feelings of anxiousness about being home alone with a new baby, but it's okay for his feelings to be ignored? He too is overwhelmed by new baby, finding it hard to adjust, works hard, fancies a very rare night OUT, but can't... because he should be at home where OP wants him, where he is of pretty much no use other than putting OP's mind at rest?

I just adding a few more quotes for you in the cross-post, WL

do keep up

added

YANBU

I completely agree with AF

If he goes out with his mates every now and then then that's fine but you need time off too! He should come home, he has his own home and bed to come home to and doesn't need to stay anywhere else and shouldn't want to IMO

'Don't you think it's sad that a woman should feel grateful her DH doesn't stay out every weekend, '

To me that's just a comparison everyone uses to get their own situation in perspective, I do it all the time.

It's just looking at what other people put up with and knowing you wouldn't, then looking at your DP and being happy they are who they are.

(don't go off to the feminist section, bring the feminist section out here )

I agree with AF. But also is the op worried that he is staying out all night or that he is staying out all night with females?
Early days with a baby are tough but if the mum can't drop everything and stay out drinking all night, why should he?
I'd let it go this time but a chat is needed about what you both expect.

Exactly Powder

If a young Mother were to post that she had trouble adjusting to parenthood I'm quite sure she would be believed and get much more support.

Well one would hope so anyway.

AF i understand where your coming from but trust me, there will be no one cooking him anything in the morning, i am definitely not the slaving wife you describe! he cooks the meals whenever he is home as he knows i'm usually tied up with breastfeeding DD :)

i prob should be more upfront with him, i think i'll leave it for tonight though otherwise it'll just be me waffling down the phone to a drunk man. never good!

WL, I've said it before, and I'll say it again

you do it your way, I'll do it mine

now get off my fucking back and stop derailing the threads of vulnerable posters (to use your own description of OP)

Sensible plan OP. Do make sure you get some time off too :) enjoy having the bed to yourself!

OP, I agree you should leave it with him tonight

he has dealt you a fait accompli, that is why, there is no reasoning with a drunk man and who wants someone home who doesn't even want to be there ?

personally, I would be beyond pissed off at that alone, but of course you should take from this thread only what you find useful

now get off my fucking back and stop derailing the threads of vulnerable posters (to use your own description of OP)

I'm not the one talking about second class citizens and bacon sandwiches....

if he is going to sleep does it matter to him where that is ? So he should get a taxi home as it does matter to the op - no skin off his nose and he is considering the woman he loves who has dedicated every night (relieving him of any night duty) to looking after their child - she doesn't get a night off

Is a difference of opinion derailing a thread AF?

The OP posted for a discussion of her DP?

It's the fact that he wasn't up front with you in the first place that raises the red flag for me. Not a good sign.

YY to 'enjoy having the bed to yourself! '

AZZ, I was referring to WL derailing this particular thread

as he/she often badgers me, as you would see if you re-read this one as well as a whole string of others < shrug >

Try to get as much sleep as you can OP and do have that chat with him in the morning.

Worral, everyone is entitled to their opinion on a public forum. It's up to the op to choose the answers she wants to hear. No need to flame other posters

nor list all their quotes in one post in an effort to do what exactly ?

Pmsl @ 'badgers me'

If calling someone on being insulting and having their own agenda is badgering then yes...guilty as charged.

Otherwise I'll continue to see it as disagreeing and thinking the OP did not come here to read insults hurled at her partner.

'AZZ, I was referring to WL derailing this particular thread'

I don't know about any background you have with Worra, but I know you were talking about her posts.

It's OK to discuss/challenge what another poster's saying about an OP.

you just can't leave me alone, WL

it's like you fancy me or summat

I dont think anyone has said his feeling don't count or he shouldn't get. A night out - just that, he should be going home and not sleeping on the couch of someone else.

And yes in this situation I think it matters that it might be a woman's couch - because op saw fit to mention that most of the friends were female. If that didn't matter to her she wouldn't have mentioned it.

I'd be saying this if it was a man posting about his wife, if you love and respect someone and know an action you are making is upsetting them, you try to change the action. Yes I recognise limits and controlling behaviours etc. but the principle applies in a basic happy relationship.

And fwiw he doesn't sound all that drunk to me - I think he's set it up perfectly and now op is feeling she doesn't have the right to complain.