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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel this way about DP staying out for the night

434 replies

OhWhatAPalaver · 08/06/2012 23:09

i kinda think i'm being a bit silly here but not sure... i'll try and be concise.
our DD is 5 months old and a bottle refuser, meaning i am unable to go anywhere or do anything at the moment. i have completely accepted this to be the case and i don't mind too much, i can live with not being able to go out for a while.

DP works shifts, pretty much always late ones. he knew he was getting off a bit early tonight so was going to meet up with some friends (mostly girls) for a few drinks. fine by me, no problem at all. he doesn't go out often so i'm ok with this.

however, i get a text not long ago saying he is now going to his friends house, so i call him and ask how he's getting back as its not on the right bus route. he says he might get a taxi or might stay on their couch, he's not sure. i must have sounded disappointed as he said i sounded miserable. i always seem to feel sad and anxious if he stays out and i feel that, being a father now, he should be responsible and come home.

i am slightly concerned as he was only saying the other day that he wants more excitement in his life and is a bit bored at the mo as he feels like all he does is work and doesn't get much time to see his friends any more. i explained that we have a young baby and that's generally what happens for a while.... i don't want him to feel like he cant go anywhere but i really would prefer him to come home tonight rather than tomorrow. AIBU?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/06/2012 00:01

Yes I can just leave you alone (world's smallest violin being played)

But then again, you could probably stop kicking vulnerable OPs when they are down.....

thenightsky · 09/06/2012 00:02

*MZ, just out of interest, did you go out drinking with young males and sleep on any of their sofas ?

make your partner feel like he had to hold the baby while you indulged yourself with that ?

still expect him to have the bacon frying in the morning and a welcoming smile plastered on your face* ?

This

TantrumsAndBalloons · 09/06/2012 00:02

Personally I don't think it matters where my DH sleeps, I'd he is with friends and doesn't want to pay £20 for a cab home, that's fine.

I do the same.

But that's what we do. Not everyone else does.

Op if it is an issue for you, you need to explain how you feel to your DH tomorrow
I would not say he is a bad man, husband, father, for sleeping on a friends sofa.
Just let him know how you feel about this.

TheSecondComing · 09/06/2012 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 09/06/2012 00:03

I have the key now, WL

I shall envisage you as a rather pushy and slightly obsessed suitor

^sorted6

ilovesooty · 09/06/2012 00:04

Like Worra I'm struggling to see how a wholesale assassination of the OP's partner when she herself says they have an open and honest relationship and she appears sufficiently grounded and confident to discuss it with him tomorrow is at all helpful.

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2012 00:04

What Tantrums said

Anyway OP, sorry your thread turned into a bit of a bun fight.

I hope you both have that talk tomorrow and he actually sits and listens to your feelings/concerns.

AnyFucker · 09/06/2012 00:05

tsc, it's more of a butter knife than an axe, but yeah, it's getting kinda repetitive though

AgentZigzag · 09/06/2012 00:05

'Are there some axes being ground here against AF?'

None here, unless thinking someone's been a bit harsh is axe grinding?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 09/06/2012 00:07

It did seen a bit harsh to launch into a character assassination of the ops DH based on him sleeping on a sofa tbh.

AnyFucker · 09/06/2012 00:10

did I fabricate anything ?

or put my own opinion in there

some will excuse a man anything

some will not make any allowances for the possession of a penis

OP asked for opinions, or why post here ?

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2012 00:12

My God.....

AgentZigzag · 09/06/2012 00:13

That's the reason I thought it was harsh Tantrums, making such a definite judgement that he's a selfish twat and she's a walkover without knowing what their relationship's like.

That might be the case, but it's just as likely to not be either.

Originalplurker · 09/06/2012 00:13

Af you always sounds like you are spitting feathers though.

CrispyCod · 09/06/2012 00:13

Both of you deserve nights out and time to yourself but to be honest he should know where to draw the line on a night out. I think for now he should be coming home. Maybe later when baby is a bit older he could consider an all-nighter with his mates. He know's you're feeling a little vulnerable at the moment and should respect that.

PowderPuffAndCurlyWhiskers · 09/06/2012 00:13

Well yes, OP has already said she isn't the bacon cooking slave you made her out to be...

AnAirOfHope · 09/06/2012 00:13

WL i think you mean "im sorry i started a bun fight on your thread". Get it right ffs

TantrumsAndBalloons · 09/06/2012 00:13

Well it kind of was your opinion.
The bacon cooking, second class citizen, part at least seemed a bit much, the op just said she didn't want her DH to stay out all night.

You just seemed to read a bit more into it than was actually there.

TheSecondComing · 09/06/2012 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2012 00:16

No

I meant

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

Originalplurker · 09/06/2012 00:16

Pickled lemons come to mind

ilovesooty · 09/06/2012 00:16

That's the reason I thought it was harsh Tantrums, making such a definite judgement that he's a selfish twat and she's a walkover without knowing what their relationship's like.
That might be the case, but it's just as likely to not be either

I agree. If he doesn't listen respectfully to her concerns when she raises them tomorrow I think that would be a whole other issue.

AgentZigzag · 09/06/2012 00:17

The OP's said their relationship is the opposite of a bullying one TSC.

LeBOFFY · 09/06/2012 00:18

It's not a character assassination to say that it's undesirable behaviour, I don't think. I would feel sad too, if my partner wasn't pulling together with me in our jointly-chosen situation. I'd be quite happy for my partner to occasionally have a big night out, but I'd feel disappointed if he was treating it as a necessary escape, IYSWIM. That would make me feel a bit shitty, and upset that we weren't really both as committed as each other to our life together.

ravenAK · 09/06/2012 00:18

I would be fine with it. Except being pissed off & jealous that I was currently being deprived of nights out involving drinking, late night chatting with mates & crashing on a sofa rather than faffing with expensive taxis or scary night buses.

So I'd be marking my place & making it quite clear that, as soon as baby was able to be left with dh overnight, I'd be off out doing likewise.

However, the point is that you obviously don't like him doing this (I get the impression you don't see the attraction & wouldn't fancy it yourself!) - so you should probably sit him down (once his hangover has subsided) & explain that you'd really much rather he came home at the end of a night out, at least whilst dd is so small.

If his response then is anything other than 'fair enough, I'll get a taxi next time' then I'd think you would be quite entitled to be mightily pissed off. But as things are, he's doing something that lots of people would see as quite reasonable, so you need to discuss what you both think about nights on the tiles & where the boundaries are.