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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel this way about DP staying out for the night

434 replies

OhWhatAPalaver · 08/06/2012 23:09

i kinda think i'm being a bit silly here but not sure... i'll try and be concise.
our DD is 5 months old and a bottle refuser, meaning i am unable to go anywhere or do anything at the moment. i have completely accepted this to be the case and i don't mind too much, i can live with not being able to go out for a while.

DP works shifts, pretty much always late ones. he knew he was getting off a bit early tonight so was going to meet up with some friends (mostly girls) for a few drinks. fine by me, no problem at all. he doesn't go out often so i'm ok with this.

however, i get a text not long ago saying he is now going to his friends house, so i call him and ask how he's getting back as its not on the right bus route. he says he might get a taxi or might stay on their couch, he's not sure. i must have sounded disappointed as he said i sounded miserable. i always seem to feel sad and anxious if he stays out and i feel that, being a father now, he should be responsible and come home.

i am slightly concerned as he was only saying the other day that he wants more excitement in his life and is a bit bored at the mo as he feels like all he does is work and doesn't get much time to see his friends any more. i explained that we have a young baby and that's generally what happens for a while.... i don't want him to feel like he cant go anywhere but i really would prefer him to come home tonight rather than tomorrow. AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/06/2012 23:28

I didn't like being home alone with DD when she was quite new. DH knew that and NEVER stayed out overnight. Your feelings are important. Wants excitement? Being a parent is exciting and horribly boring so he needs to find his joy in that.

PowderPuffAndCurlyWhiskers · 08/06/2012 23:29

Why is it bad behaviour? Would OP rather he came home, stinking drunk, stinking of beer and disturbing her and baby by crashing about and snoring? I know I bloody wouldn't if it were my DH. I'd be asking him to stay out Hmm

LucieMay · 08/06/2012 23:29

Agree it's okay as long as you get a night away too with your friends when baby is ready :-)

lepetitchoufleur · 08/06/2012 23:29

AnyFucker do you really think that's a red flag? I think lots of people do find parenthood to be nothing like what they expected and much harder to adjust to than they thought they would (men and women) and it doesn't seem beyond the realms of possibility that a reaction to this would be to goof off. Is that a good reaction? Well the jury's out.

AgentZigzag · 08/06/2012 23:30

I didn't say you weren't entitled to your opinion AF.

And it's my opinion the OP's got nothing to worry about (going on what she's said on the thread), that's not necessarily saying she has to 'suck it up', just a reassurance that it's doesn't have to be the end of the world.

It'd be a problem if he was going out every week, but the first time since just after Christmas is neither here nor there.

MorrisZapp · 08/06/2012 23:30

Once in five months doesn't seem too bad OP, but its more about how you feel about it.

My DP couldn't even play a round of golf for the first 6 months as I would cry and lose it (had pnd).

On the other hand, I know people whose DPs went away for the weekend etc, and had no issue with it.

Have a chat with him tomorrow. If you feel you need him at home just now, tell him. It's not forever.

And AF, I had an horrific time adjusting to parenthood. I still struggle with it. It's not necessarily a red flag or a sign of twatdom. I'm a loving mother, and a supportive DP. I just miss the old me, too.

Rabbitee · 08/06/2012 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rhondajean · 08/06/2012 23:33

It is bad behaviour because op is sad and anxious and he is doing nothing to help that. He has had his night out. I can understand it as drunken bad behaviour, who of us has not got carried away and partied on too long, but it is still bad behaviour.

AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 23:35

have difficulty adjusting to parenthod, yeah I get it

influence your partner into thinking the reason she can't complain about him going out drinking with young females and then not come home is because he is having difficulty adjusting erm no, no way

OP is complaining here, instead of telling him how she really feels...for some reason she probably thinks she will be seen as insecure, controlling or nagging to say "actually, I am not happy for you to do this"

not healthy

AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 23:37

MZ, just out of interest, did you go out drinking with young males and sleep on any of their sofas ?

make your partner feel like he had to hold the baby while you indulged yourself with that ?

still expect him to have the bacon frying in the morning and a welcoming smile plastered on your face ?

I guess not

AgentZigzag · 08/06/2012 23:38

I was thinking the same rhonda, get out, have a drink, few more, don't want to stop, if you're with people you like it's nice for it to carry on.

Like PowderPuff says, only the OP will know whether he's the kind of person who might not want to come home trollied and barfing everywhere.

I don't think that necessarily equals bad behaviour though, it's just having a night out for some people.

FuckerSnailInYourHedgerow · 08/06/2012 23:39

Meh. Dh does this maybe every three months or so. It's fine with me, we trust each other, and it's a break for him. I did it twice last year I think... But I'm pregnant now, so that's off the cards. I'd rather he stayed out while drinking tbh, rather than coming home smelling of booze and snoring.

But it's always pre- arranged, as in DH says he's going out and will be staying in his friends house.

WorraLiberty · 08/06/2012 23:39

AF I really think you're over reacting here as usual.

You insulting this woman's DP and name calling him really isn't useful to her and I imagine it will only make an upset woman even more upset Hmm

She has said they have a good relationship, he's struggling to adjust to parenthood (as many parents do) and he hardly every goes out.

Yes he should come home imo but for goodness sake please stop painting him as the devil's incarnate just for your own gratification.

SlightlyJaded · 08/06/2012 23:39

Everything TSC said.

If you genuinely don't mind him staying out once in a while and are confident it will be reciprocated in due course, fine.

But you do mind. You are tired. You want him home so it's a non starter.

For me though I'd be less angry about the staying out for one night than the 'needing excitement'. What the actual fuck? He has a new baby. Thats about as exciting as it gets. Yes it's tiring (though clearly not that tiring for him as you are BFing) but he needs to grow up and realise that for now, the 'thrills' are going to be of a slightly different variety.

AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 23:41

"as usual" WL ?

give it up, eh

Original poster
OhWhatAPalaver · 08/06/2012 23:41

to his credit he did say 'sorry i prob should have asked if it was ok before saying i might stay out' to which i replied a bit moodily 'i guess it doesn't make much difference'. which it doesn't really. he either comes back and is of no use or stays out and is of no use!

OP posts:
rhondajean · 08/06/2012 23:42

Under some circumstances I'd agree zigzag - but op has a less than six month old baby, is anxious, is obviously not wanting to rock the boat, and he's set the whole thing up nicely by dropping the bombshell yesterday that he wants some excitement (ergo making her feel like she's spoiling things by pushing to have him home).

In this situation and with the way he is making her feel - and note he is the one who said she sounded disappointed, he knows exactly how she would feel - its bad behaviour.

Don't you think it's sad that a woman should feel grateful her DH doesn't stay out every weekend, thus legitimising him ignoring her feelings tonight?

coppertop · 08/06/2012 23:44

"he said I sounded miserable"

So he knows that you're (understandably) feeling down but is staying out anyway?

That's selfish IMHO.

AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 23:45

OP, you are not communicating with your partner effectively

moodiness and passivity are the wrong tactics to use here

effectively saying "oh do what you like " < sigh > < grump > < sulk > < martyr > < whack out the morning bacon anyway >

not good

threetequilafloor · 08/06/2012 23:46

I wouldn't do this, my husband wouldn't do this, it's out of order. Sack him.

DuelingFanjo · 08/06/2012 23:46

lots of noiy activiy in the morning with the baby should see him right.

AgentZigzag · 08/06/2012 23:46

When I found out I was pregnant with DD2 SlightlyJaded, it really hit me that I was going to lose the life I was enjoying and I'd have to change just about everything.

It was a completely separate feeling to the feelings of love I already had for DD2, and thankfully it didn't last long, but I can imagine why someone might try to hang on to a little bit of what they had when they were free of such a responsibility.

The OPs DH has told her he feels like this, which is great, it'd be worse if he kept it to himself and just drifted away from her.

At least out in the open they can talk about it and come to a compromise about how to deal with it.

There's nothing shameful about going through a phase in your life when you feel bored.

AnAirOfHope · 08/06/2012 23:47

I think its personal. If you dont like this then tell him, if your ok with it fine.

I would not want my dh acting like a teenager getting pissed and sleeping on sofa but then my dh has never done this - before or after children.

MorrisZapp · 08/06/2012 23:47

I haven't slept on a sofa since John Major was in office, and I have zero desire to now. DP, the same.

But I'm assuming that for this couple, the sofa thing isn't that unusual, new parenthood notwithstanding.

I did get out and blow off steam (thank you aptamil) and there may have been some harmless flirting in a group situation.

It's not so much the actual doing it (ie, going out and getting drunk), for me it was more the knowing that theoretically, I could.

When I didn't feel imprisoned any more, I no longer fantasised about escape.

WorraLiberty · 08/06/2012 23:47

No I won't give it up AF

Getting stuck in to an already upset/insecure young woman with a young baby when her DP has gone out for the night and she's feeling bad about it, is not on.

It's nasty and there is absolutely no need for it.

"your partner is a selfish twat"

"no "family man" stays out like this"

"none worth his salt, anyway"

"and you are being a walkover, sorry"

"let him have his single life freedom, OP, he's a man and he deserves it"

"not moaning about "not getting anough excitement" and unilaterally deciding the way to get that is to make his wife into a second class citizen fit only to get the bacon on for him when he sses fit to return to the hotel he calls home"

"influence your partner into thinking the reason she can't complain about him going out drinking with young females and then not come home is because he is having difficulty adjusting erm no, no way"

Your own agenda much?