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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be pissed off that its always me that changed my working hours?

135 replies

ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 20:08

im just having a rant really but would be interested to know if i am being unreasonable....

i work 2 nights every 10 days.

when i started this job DH was supportive and arranged so that he didnt work nights when i do.

i earn more, i have better prospects.

now im almost 2 years into this job and he starts to move the goal posts....so i am due back at work having had annual leave....i am due back on nights.

he has just told me he has to work those nights and there is nothing he can do.
he is saying that i should just go to work and stop worrying!

DD is 14 and imo not old enough to be left alone all night
DS is officially an adult but is autistic and is not safe to leave alone all night imo.....he is awake most of the night and frequently forgets to lock doors etc...i have also discovered he started a fire in his room recently as he has taken up smoking Hmm
so i do not trust that its safe for no adult to be home at night.

i have had to at very short notice grovel and change my working hours to try and fit around DH.

He is being an arse and will not discuss it - just says its tough, there is nothing he can do and i should go to work and stop worrying Hmm

this is happening more and more and i think its going to begin to be an issue. I cant just alter my working hours at will - i work in a uniformed service and its set shifts. (so hardly a surprise when my nights come around!)

i would happily give up work, but i earn more and we cant afford it.
aibu?

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 08/06/2012 20:12

I don't know...

Your DH thinks the children don't need anyone there, and arguably they don't.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 20:17

im not sure its even legal to leave a 14 yr old overnight though....and from sept DS is away to uni so she really would be totally alone.

i cant settle knowing if anything happens there is no one there, and DS is a liability - he started a fire in his room. he is like a 14 year old mentally....

i feel like the rules have suddenly altered. i took this job on the understanding he would work around my nights.

OP posts:
MavisG · 08/06/2012 20:21

he's being an arse.

samithesausage · 08/06/2012 20:22

Is there anyway you can get a wall planner, then get your shifts all planned out well in advance. Something visual so you can see a clash of working hours way ahead, and perhaps get it sorted?
In the mean time is there a friend/relative who could stay over and keep an eye for now?

whenyouseeitwaveorcheer · 08/06/2012 20:25

I don't think YABU.

I can't speak for your DD but I would have been terrified to spend the night in the house alone at only 14.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 20:27

no one can stay over - no family and friends all have kids.

OP posts:
IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 08/06/2012 20:28

if your night shifts are a short term thing, could you afford a babysitter?

Hassled · 08/06/2012 20:32

In the short term what you need is a tame student from somewhere. If you could work out how to phrase it without your DS taking offence, maybe a friend of his? Or someone he knows from school/college? Spin it as watching DD, rather than keeping tabs on DS.

In the long term, you need to find a way to force your DH to discuss it. Cold hard facts may work best - I can't and won't work nights without an adult/sensible presence (and if he won't accept that, will he accept it if it's phrased that DD doesn't want it?), if I don't work nights I'll lose my job, if I lose my job our income will be down by £X per month, outgoings are currently £Y per month.

FrozenChocolate · 08/06/2012 20:34

How about staying at a friend's house and getting a taxi to school if it is too far to walk/bus?

landofsoapandglory · 08/06/2012 20:42

He is being an arse. And it pains me to say it but it is exactly the sort of thing my DH would do!

In your situation I wouldn't leave your children alone over night. I think it could put too much pressure and responsibility on to your Dd's shoulders.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 20:51

My children cant stay over with anyone - there is only us here, ad I know of no one who can stay here,
My shifts are long term and I've worked them from day 1. He has altered the goal posts By now announcing he can't work around my nights.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 08/06/2012 20:52

So, the crux of the matter is that you don't want to leave your DCs by themselves overnight, but DH does? At what point he decide that that would be OK?

I couldn't leave DCs in the situation you have described, and HIBU to not even discuss it. I'm feeling your frustration! No real advice to give, as until he realises it's not acceptable to leave them, you can't begin to work on a solution.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 20:59

Oh well now he has stormed off to bed because I'm pissed off - I should just accept it with smile it seems. I've asked him what happens long term as I cannot chain my hours. No answer. Just stormed off. Great. This week I've arranged it so k can work around him but I cannot so this everyweek. He is being an arse. I could just jack my job in I guess
And let him sort the bills. Except we would pretty soon be homeless....

OP posts:
OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 08/06/2012 20:59

I wouldnt leave the DCs in the situation you describe either and I am well known for my lax parenting.

This is also the sort of thing my OH used to do constantly. In our case it would also include changing his hours almost everytime I started a new evening course (all for work, no hobby courses).

I have always worked around his hours. He once booked a motorcycle course, a week's residential, without any thought to childcare or my working arrangements.

He wouldnt do that now but it has taken years to get to this point. It started to get better when i refused to feel guilty or apologise or see my job as less important than his. In fact that motorcylce course was a turning point because it was not work related and it bought me to my senses. It had feck all to do with who had the most important job, he just didnt see that he had any sort of responsibilty for child care or that he had to take me into consideration.

We have been together over 20 years now. He is a lovely bloke but Bloody Hell he has been a PITA over the years.

chipmunksex · 08/06/2012 21:02

Is he totally prepared to have the responsibility on his shoulders should something happen when you are both at work?

I think that's the question you need to ask him?

Have you been off for a very long time?

scurryfunge · 08/06/2012 21:05

Hi Vicar, I was in the same position and an au pair was our solution to nights. Do you have a spare room?
If that isn't acceptable, can you temporarily apply for flexible working to see you through the next year or so?
Can you apply for another department where nights are not compulsory?
I realise that the above options are suiting your partner rather than your shifts but can he apply for the same?

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 21:07

He won't discuss it. He does not see the problem and thinks I should just leave them and stop worrying Angry
He isn't giving me any choice. I'm sick to death of it always being down to me to fill the fucking gaps in Angry
what partnership is this?

OP posts:
chipmunksex · 08/06/2012 21:10

Why should vicar change her hours?

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 21:10

Scurry - no spare room until sept when ds goes to uni...and I'm not even confirmed yet, don't think I can ask for either flexible working or a change of dept. Sad
Thing I'd it's not like my nights have ever been a shock. It's 2 every 10 days. And always has been.

OP posts:
ballstoit · 08/06/2012 21:11

Is this typical DH, or is there something else going on? Seems a bit strange that he has suddenly changed his attitude.

I don't think YABU, but don't necessarily think he is either. How will DS manage in 3 months time when he goes to uni? And does DD really not have any friends that she could stay with occasionally?

scurryfunge · 08/06/2012 21:11

She shouldn't but I was looking for solutions.

HazleNutt · 08/06/2012 21:14

he does not ask Vicar to change her hours, he thinks the DC are old enough to be home alone. There's a difference.

redwineformethanks · 08/06/2012 21:15

Perhaps YABU to expect DH to work around your hours, but HIBU to expect children to be left alone. Could you arrange a babysitter, and pay for it from joint account, so DH can see how much it is costing and you can try to reschedule together so that you're not paying for childcare ?

Belmo · 08/06/2012 21:16

YANBU at all to be pissed off.
It's not illegal to leave a 14 year old at home alone but you are legally responsible if anything happens. But it is illegal to leave an under 16yo if that would put them at risk, which sounds like it might be the case with your DS?
I hope you get it sorted :(

Catsmamma · 08/06/2012 21:17

Surely your shifts and his are not that last minute??

We have a conflab over dh's shifts and my work every few weeks...he prints off all his and we look out for hiccups!

to be fair, i am 10-4 so overnights are not a problem, and the baby is 14 so after school is no issue, but it used to be a right palaver to organise

my work...i used to do more
his shifts
schools
afterschool clubs and pick ups

we still have odd calamities though, but now it's the dogs to think of!