aibu to be pissed off that its always me that changed my working hours?

[ThatVikRinA22]

im just having a rant really but would be interested to know if i am being unreasonable....

i work 2 nights every 10 days.

when i started this job DH was supportive and arranged so that he didnt work nights when i do.

i earn more, i have better prospects.

now im almost 2 years into this job and he starts to move the goal posts....so i am due back at work having had annual leave....i am due back on nights.

he has just told me he has to work those nights and there is nothing he can do.
he is saying that i should just go to work and stop worrying!

DD is 14 and imo not old enough to be left alone all night
DS is officially an adult but is autistic and is not safe to leave alone all night imo.....he is awake most of the night and frequently forgets to lock doors etc...i have also discovered he started a fire in his room recently as he has taken up smoking
so i do not trust that its safe for no adult to be home at night.

i have had to at very short notice grovel and change my working hours to try and fit around DH.

He is being an arse and will not discuss it - just says its tough, there is nothing he can do and i should go to work and stop worrying

this is happening more and more and i think its going to begin to be an issue. I cant just alter my working hours at will - i work in a uniformed service and its set shifts. (so hardly a surprise when my nights come around!)

i would happily give up work, but i earn more and we cant afford it.
aibu?

the solution, what ever that is, is going to be down to me, and that above all else is what is pissing me off.

he says he will bring his work schedule home on monday. no doubt he will sit and look at it.
i will be able to work out what nights are going to be hard for me to work.
he says if i cannot re arrange my hours he will talk to his bully boy boss.

So, for almost two years he has been able to rearrange his nights?

Now he suddenly can´t?

In some ways I think that you have been lucky that he has been able to do that for so long tbh.

What are the actual hrs that need covering?

Any chance someone coming off nights could sit with them?

I'm sorry OP, I dont usually say this, but this is a 'Hill to die on' Marriage breaker.

Make sure he understands you are concidering not being married to him.

diddl - yes but had it been clear from the start that he couldnt do this i would not have pursued the job. its suddenly altered, with no warning, no conversation.

the hours that need covering.

i leave the house at 8pm and return at 8am.
he leaves the house at 2am and returns at lunch time. obviously, dd goes to school, and leaves the house at 8am, what had been happening was DH was waiting for me at the door, he leaves as i get home, i see DD off, the go to bed.

now he is saying he has to go at 2am regardless. so between 2am and 8am there will be no one there, which i am not comfortable with. DS is still awake at 2am and he will get up to no good.
for this set of nights i have arranged to go in early and leave early, so there will be a crossover of a short while where they will be alone but not for long.

i just keep thinking what if there is a fire?
what if we get burgled?
what if the fire alarms go on the blink like they did last year and could not be switched off (DD would panic)
what if i am needed and i am not there.
what if DS sets his room alight again?
what if he goes out and leaves the door open? (he does this)
what if someone walks into the house, as happened last year when a mentally ill woman walked in off the street?

its daft i know, its all unlikely, but some of it has happened and some of it could happen, and i cant take the risk.

working just isnt worth it. i thought we had it sorted and now this.

Could he change them then do you think & he is choosing not to/can´t be bothered?

I wouldn´t want to leave mine either.

Mainly because they are such heavy sleepers that if anything happened, they just wouldn´t hear it!

I get that you wouldn´t have done this, but relying on someone to always be able to change their shifts to suit you for a few years was surely always risky?

he is saying his work situation has changed as there are 3 less staff now.

he is the manager and he said at the time, that he could work around my nights, and now he cant.

risky maybe but alot was at stake.
it took 3 years to get into the police. i got through all the hoops the first time around, and the nearer it got and the more likely it looked that i had done it, the more i asked about child care....

his answer was that he could work around it

Well OK-so if it´s no longer doable, then you should obviously both be looking for solutions.

Just because he thinks it´s OK to leave the children doesn´t mean he can just leave it to you to sort out.

If your son will be getting help at Uni-is there no entitlement to that now-or do the people who have put that in place at least have any ideas or contacts for you?

no entitlement to get help now, as such. I am awaiting an assessment by social services, but they seem reluctant to come out given that he is moving out to uni. ~He is only an hour away, and we will still be supporting him in the main.

he was assessed as being eligible for disabled students allowance, he will be under the disabilities team at uni, and he will be sharing a student flat with 3 other 3rd year students, he has a named advisor, and will have regular meetings to ensure he is ok, He also is entitled to lots of practical support in relation to his work.
it does not cover him at home for personal care or baby sitters. His university care is covered by student finance. I have already spoken to the head of the debt at the uni regards other support - she can not help as it is not their remit.

i am fucked, basically i think.

Is there anyone DS can stay with while you work? I think I'd be a lot happier with dd alone with emergency numbers than with him in the house.

Would that help even if he had someone, for you?

Clearly you rearranging your shifts to fit around with his last-minute changes is never going to be workable. And leaving the children isn't safe.

He needs to understand that you cannot just fit in with this.Nor is it sensible for you to just give up your job- you earn more, and you also need to be able to support yourself as you now know that you cannot rely on him.

I'd be inclined to present him with a list of options:

• Overnight babysitters to be paid from joint household finances.
• You both move out of your bedroom into the front room/ dining room whatever , in order to allow an au pair to move in.
• He gets a different job that doesn't involve nights.
• He sticks his original agreement of working around your shifts.
• You separate, and he moves out and pays via CSA for the children in order to allow you to pay for child care.

In other circumstances, leaving a 14yo and adult child would be fine. In this case, you know that there is a risk because your son has a history of starting fires.

How close are you to universities? Colleges of F.E.?

I think there are a lot of students finishing now who'd be happy to earn a bit of cash in hand by sitting on your sofa 2 nights a fortnight. Also, pop a poster in preschools and/or schools if they'll let you. My DSis is a full time mum with a H at home, and I know she'd happily do 2 nights a fortnight as her H's business is struggling at the moment.

I appreciate that it's galling for you to be the one who sorts this out, but bottom line is you will lose out on your career if you don't.

we live in a backwater town with nothing much at all near us let alone uni's, and i would have to be really careful about how i sold this to DS - after all he is is 20 and in need of a babysitter - i cant see that going down too well with him. He may be SN but he still can be quite sensitive about his problems, so i dont think getting an 18 year old in to baby sit my 20 year old would work.

i realise i am not making much headway with this and im sorry to poo pooh all the suggestions so far....

the only way i think i would trust someone in my house would be an older person but then i have no spare bed for them, so that wont work. There really is no room to move someone in full time - back to the no room to swing a cat as it is argument and we only have 1 toilet and 1 bathroom, 2 1/2 bedrooms, no dining room, small kitchen and a lounge.

i think i would feel ok about leaving DD alone between 2 and 8 in another year or so - she would by then be 15 going on 16.

but for now and the next year or so its going to be a problem, and one i need a workable solution to.

im going to have to speak to my sgt when i get back to work and explain - if i can work the early shift permanently it could work, but im not sure thats even an option.

As the highest earner surely it makes more sense for you dh to find another job or reduce his hours/days so that he can cover?

I think you need to bounce it back on him that you are the breadwinner now so he needs to be part of the solution!

It doesn't feel like you are poo poohing everything - but if we do keep trying to come up with ideas, it might just spark something for you that you think might work.

I'm very for you.

Even though you're not in a university town, surely there are some students who live locally, and would be prepared to sleep on a Z bed in your living room for 2 nights every 10 days. It would at least postpone the nights problem until October.

Don't give up a well-paid job that you enjoy, and worked really hard to get into for your twat of a husband. It's probably only a couple of years until you'll feel comfortable leaving DD on her own - surely there is a solution until then?

You DS and DH could share and give the sleeper overer his bed

Honestly I would do it as a grown adult if you were going to pay me. Quite happy to be paid to sleep elsewhere for the night!

onehand i have made the tragic mistake of posting where i live before but trust me - if i told you where i lived you would see that there really are no students who live locally! plus like i say - DS would not take kindly to being babysat by someone younger than he....although he goes in september so then it would just be dd to worry about, by which time DS bedroom would be going spare, and so paying someone for the nights may not be such a bad idea....at least they would have a bed by then, but i would only feel comfortable having someone a bit older than a student anyway...

but it is a bit of a conundrum and no mistake.

I bet you'd find a lot of people who would be happy to be paid to sleep over, for a bit of extra cash without a lot of hard work.

It would cost in the meantime but in the long run it let's you stay in a job you like and that pays well.

Could you buy a sofa bed for the living room??

Ah yes a sofa bed for your dh to kip on and give guest the master bedroom...

Spin ds the line about it's not fair to make him responsible for dd etc.

Honestly there must be people out there desperate for easy cash.

just read the whole thread and there is no way that you can leave your DCs alone between 2am & 6am

does your DH know that if you did, and then your DS started a fire you could be prosecuted for neglect, if someone got hurt?

and then your career is finished, and if you are the higher earner, I presume then you would have to sell your home

does he actually realise what could happen?

If he is being so intransigent and potentially putting his DCs lives and safety at risk, it would be a deal breaker for me

don't allow his lack of ambition, his lack of responsibility to force you to roll over and sacrifice what you have worked for

op, thats rubbish for you, he is being an arse

It's no actual help because I'm not likely to be anywhere near you but I'd sleep over somewhere 2/10 nights on a sofa bed for some extra cash, and I'm not a teenage student but a nearly 30 part time worker/part time student type.

I'd probably want to bring my child though which might not be ideal. But maybe someone who had a partner rather than being a single mum might not? I'm sure if I exist I'm not the only person who'd be glad of such a part time extra job.

actually thats food for thought.

i would be gutted to part with my sofa though (its a natuzzi leather corner group!!) but if i have to i have to.

sofa bed could be an answer, but i have dogs and cats....not ideal to sleep with those mooching around....they are a bit of a pain as i have discovered when i have resorted to the sofa when DH is snoring....

anastaisia - i would not mind someone bringing their child actually. that wouldnt bother me at all.

i could probably look into this a bit more...

im just not sure how to find an overnight babysitter....and what is the going rate for something like this?

If you crossed my palm with silver to sleep on your settee 2/10, I would be there like a shot. I'm 37 and have 3 kids, £50 for a couple of nights would make a massive difference to me. I think you would be surprised at the interest. Could you put a card in your local newsagents and explain it's just a settee and for someone who is 'older'?