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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be pissed off that its always me that changed my working hours?

135 replies

ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 20:08

im just having a rant really but would be interested to know if i am being unreasonable....

i work 2 nights every 10 days.

when i started this job DH was supportive and arranged so that he didnt work nights when i do.

i earn more, i have better prospects.

now im almost 2 years into this job and he starts to move the goal posts....so i am due back at work having had annual leave....i am due back on nights.

he has just told me he has to work those nights and there is nothing he can do.
he is saying that i should just go to work and stop worrying!

DD is 14 and imo not old enough to be left alone all night
DS is officially an adult but is autistic and is not safe to leave alone all night imo.....he is awake most of the night and frequently forgets to lock doors etc...i have also discovered he started a fire in his room recently as he has taken up smoking Hmm
so i do not trust that its safe for no adult to be home at night.

i have had to at very short notice grovel and change my working hours to try and fit around DH.

He is being an arse and will not discuss it - just says its tough, there is nothing he can do and i should go to work and stop worrying Hmm

this is happening more and more and i think its going to begin to be an issue. I cant just alter my working hours at will - i work in a uniformed service and its set shifts. (so hardly a surprise when my nights come around!)

i would happily give up work, but i earn more and we cant afford it.
aibu?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/06/2012 18:16

Well as it's dh sleeping in the lounge he can make do with the sofa you've got and the pets. Several nights of this alone may spring him in to action about ensuring he can swap shifts Wink

It would be a casual ad hoc arrangement so you could contact a local babysitter service?

RandomMess · 09/06/2012 18:17

Nah dh would have to sleep in the lounge otherwise you'd get disturbed and 2am and 6am!!! Poor dh Wink

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 09/06/2012 18:18

theoretically - from Sept - it would be a proper bed in a proper room.

so you think £25 per night is about the right amount to pay then?
would i need to do a whole proper vetting thing given that its babysitting and given that im a copper do you think??

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/06/2012 18:22

I think £25 would be fine - you can only offer! Are there babysitter agencies in your area? All their clients should be CRB checked anyway. Also ask around - friends of friends may wanting to earn extra cash etc.

Tent in the garden for dh in the meantime?

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 09/06/2012 18:39

not sure about agencies but i will phone the council - they used to have lists of childminders etc....i wonder if they could help put me onto someone....

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/06/2012 18:40

Google babysitting agencies - there must be one somewhere nearish you!!!

rhondajean · 09/06/2012 19:20

You would need to be careful about minimum wage vicar. It will cost in the short term, but if you find a way to keep the job then in the long term it'd worth it both for satisfaction and earning potential.

RandomMess · 09/06/2012 19:32

Is there a minimum wage for ad hoc babysitting though? I think the rules are different for sleeping in/accommodation and food provided jobs?

jamdonut · 09/06/2012 20:01

I'm going to be unpopular here , probably, but.....if he doesn't leave the house till 2am, your kids , presumably, will be asleep. And they won't have been on their own ALL night. what time do you get in from your night shift? Will you be home in time to at least make sure DD gets off to school ok ? Personally, I think you've made your mind up that you are not going to budge in any ,way, shape or form. But I honestly don't think a 14 year old is going to come to any harm in 4 or 5 hours of sleeping time (i.e I am assuming 2am till, maybe, 7am) especially if she's sensible ,anyway. Confused

rhondajean · 09/06/2012 20:04

The minimum age applies to all worker from 16 up.

I'm not sure about the sleeping over thing. I think there is a board for childminding/au pairs type stuff somewhere on here that might have the answer.

With vicar being a copper, she's going to want to make sure she's got it right.

chipmunksex · 09/06/2012 21:22

Any chance there is someone else at work in a similar situation?

Maybe you could look after each other's dc?

myBOYSareBONKERS · 09/06/2012 22:07

or is there someone who would suit doing your nights for their own childcare issues

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 09/06/2012 22:28

J - if you read my other posts you would have read that i have an autistic son who is up all night, through out the night, and who has set fire to his bedroom before now.

so not safe to leave. no.

i hadnt even thought about min wage....oh lord. this is going to get complex i feel....
there is sadly no one else i work with in the same boat - i work out of the county where i live anyway - so no no one out side of work.

its not a case of not budging - its a case of its always me that budges.

and breaaaathe......

OP posts:
MuddlingMackem · 09/06/2012 23:11

YANB even a tiny bit U, but your DH is BVVVU.

However, maybe your only option is for your DD to stop being so stoic and lay a heavy duty guilt trip on your DH about how scared she would be on her own, and how responsible she would feel for her brother, and how she really wants HIM to not work on your nights.

Yes, it would be low, but if he won't listen to you and compromise maybe a little emotional blackmail might work. Sad

And no, you should definitely not quit your job. He's behaving like an idiot so you shouldn't enable that behaviour.

RandomMess · 09/06/2012 23:16

Hmm but wouldn't the childcarer be self employed like a childminder, it wouldn't be a regular thing like employing a nanny Confused

rhondajean · 09/06/2012 23:20

Min wage is £36 per night - 2 til 8 - is that doable?

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 00:26

36 a night!! bloody hell....Shock
i hadnt even worked it out, but chances are it would be more then as no one is going to arrive for work at 2am i wouldnt have thought....

oh blimey.

OP posts:
rhondajean · 10/06/2012 00:29

But you don't need them to work til 2 - you could offer they can come and stay earlier but not on duty til 2am...

That was an effort to type drunk n on phone!

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 00:36

im on a probationers wages...so glad about that! ill start to look into if there are any baby sitter agencies in the vicinity.

if not i could start one and give up my job....i think their wages may be better than mine....

OP posts:
rhondajean · 10/06/2012 00:52

Just remember its short term - 2 years to get throug?
N u still better off than if u quit.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 00:54

yes i know, and thank you rhonda - you have actually been really helpful and come up with some workable ideas.

ill start to look into it. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 00:56

and cheers to everyone who came up with ideas, appreciate it. (and thanks for all the "i am not being unreasonable" answers! sometimes....i do wonder.

but on this i didnt think i was.
and i still dont.
ta all.

OP posts:
soveryhard · 10/06/2012 00:57

DS is off to uni in sept - and I think from 2-8 dd could be alone 2 nights in 10 days as let's face it she will be sleeping -so you only have a few more months to get through.

He is probably terrified of losing his job - dhs works have just unilaterally decided he is working over 50% of weekends - it's that orbe made redundant.

soveryhard · 10/06/2012 01:03

SOrry be out of a job - no one is mentioning redundancies.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 10/06/2012 01:13

Sad Angry

sorry you are having to deal with this.

how much are kennel fees? is there somewhere to shut away the cats/dogs?

can you hit him where it hurts? (no not literally) tempting as it may be it is not worth risking your job if you have to pay for help, he no longer can have his favourite xyz as you can no longer afford it, or go somewhere or do somethings he wants to do

a fold up bed would be sufficient for sleeping on if you can fold it out. that way you get to keep yourr sofa.

I do think you need to make him aware that this is becoming a deal beaker for you. his lack of concern for the children is Shock given you ds's difficulties.

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