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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to be pissed off that its always me that changed my working hours?

135 replies

ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 20:08

im just having a rant really but would be interested to know if i am being unreasonable....

i work 2 nights every 10 days.

when i started this job DH was supportive and arranged so that he didnt work nights when i do.

i earn more, i have better prospects.

now im almost 2 years into this job and he starts to move the goal posts....so i am due back at work having had annual leave....i am due back on nights.

he has just told me he has to work those nights and there is nothing he can do.
he is saying that i should just go to work and stop worrying!

DD is 14 and imo not old enough to be left alone all night
DS is officially an adult but is autistic and is not safe to leave alone all night imo.....he is awake most of the night and frequently forgets to lock doors etc...i have also discovered he started a fire in his room recently as he has taken up smoking
so i do not trust that its safe for no adult to be home at night.

i have had to at very short notice grovel and change my working hours to try and fit around DH.

He is being an arse and will not discuss it - just says its tough, there is nothing he can do and i should go to work and stop worrying

this is happening more and more and i think its going to begin to be an issue. I cant just alter my working hours at will - i work in a uniformed service and its set shifts. (so hardly a surprise when my nights come around!)

i would happily give up work, but i earn more and we cant afford it.
aibu?

OP posts:

whyme2 · 08/06/2012 21:22

It seems odd that he has suddenly changed his tune..

I would think ime that a fourteen year old would be okay to leave overnight but your ds sounds like he needs supervision and I would be worried about leaving him.

You need to get dh talking tomorrow and come to some agreement.

Sometimes people are difficult for no reason and revert back to all normality the next day.
Fingers crossed for you.

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 21:22

What if ds starts another fire and no adult is there?
What if ds does what he ALWAYS does and leaves door open? We had a total stranger walk in a few months ago. I can't rest knowing there is no one there. And when ds goes DD really will braking all night and at 14 I don't think that's ok. We really truly do not have anyone she can stay with. It's not occasionally - imy nights are permanent., it's set shifts, 2 days, 2 afters 2 nights then 4 off.
Dh says they have no staff so he has to go in.
But my hours are what they are and he knows that.
Itsnot like I've altered anything
He has.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 08/06/2012 21:24

You have the equivalent of 2 x 14 year olds, erm no I wouldn't leave them in the house overnight for the whole night especially with your ds previous form.

Perhaps the 1st discussion needs to be at what ages you both agree they can be left on their own overnight alone/together.

2nd discussion is why dh will no longer swap shifts to provide cover.

I am a lax parent too but still wouldn't leave them alone all night.

RandomMess · 08/06/2012 21:25

Perhaps mention that your dd could be having boys stay the night without either of you knowing about it.

May help him change his tune

whyme2 · 08/06/2012 21:26

That' why I am wondering what has changed for him. Something at work perhaps? I am not trying to side with him but if things were okay and now there not something has changed.

But if both of you have to work the same night then between you there needs to be some cover for your ds. Have you thought about using an agency?

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 21:30

I'm tempted just to jack it in and tell him his job as a baker is way more important than my career. It's my money that pays the bills. I mean, I've spent the last 20 years in low paid part time jobs. What an idiot I was to think I should now start a career.
Yet he won't get off his arse and get a decent job
Scuse errors I'm on phone....

OP posts:

RandomMess · 08/06/2012 21:30

Wait until he's calmed down and have the "I'm really worried about you, what's happened at work that you can't change shifts anymore" type convo?

scurryfunge · 08/06/2012 21:32

Don't jack it in - it's a great job. Jack him in if he won't compromise!

anastaisia · 08/06/2012 21:32

YANBU

I know from reading other threads some of the problems you've had with DS in the fairly recent past. I don't see how your DH can think it's okay to leave him and your DD all night at this point. Yes, DS is going to be more independent soon - but he won't have a 14 year old sister there or access to your things, he'll only have to take care of himself in a student flat or something.

It also seems very unfair of your DH to change the 'rules' if he's previously agreed that he'll work around your 2 nights every 10 days. That doesn't seem excessive anyway and it's something he's agreed to do - even if he wants to change that because he does think the children are old enough to be left unsupervised its very unfair to spring it on you not start a conversation about it!

whenyouseeitwaveorcheer · 08/06/2012 21:35

IIRC vicar you are doing a job that means you are required to work this shift pattern as a probationer for two years before you can even apply for another dept? (apols if it's changed but I used to work in the same field and it was always that way then).

You working nights is non-negotiable. I think you really need to remind him of that and ask him what he thinks has changed? Does he genuinely think that the children are suddenly responsible enough to be left alone?

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 21:36

He says he hasnt enough staff In to b flexible. So I can just go whistle Dixie then eh? If love to see his face if I said I've jacked it in. I'm a police officer. He clearly doesn't give a shinty shite that it took me 3 years to get in and that it was supposed to improve our life.
It's not as he still thinks I can just alter my hours to suit him clearly. I obviously set a prescident a long time ago....

OP posts:

whenyouseeitwaveorcheer · 08/06/2012 21:39

IS he jealous of/threatened by your career?

Hassled · 08/06/2012 21:40

You need to make it clear that it's not a case of you jacking it in - it will be a case of you getting sacked if you can't do the nights. And you can't do the nights - you're absolutely right, someone adult has to be at home.

Is this some sort of bollocks feeling emasculated because you're earning more thing? Is he trying to scupper your career?

ReindeerBollocks · 08/06/2012 21:41

Don't jack it in, why waste all that work for a man who won't even talk to you about the situation?

I think he is trying to be helpful to his employers and forgetting all hell will break loose at home. Maybe that's why he is saying the DC's are old enough - just to cover his own back.

I agree though in your circumstances it should be him altering shifts and making adequate childcare available, because it isn't ideal to leave them just yet.

RandomMess · 08/06/2012 21:43

Could work be really shitty and he's worried about being selected for redundancy?

Doesn't excuse the attitude though btw.

Could you pay a friend to sleep over. They may well welcome the opportunity to have a night off from a snoring dh/dp?

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 21:46

I doubt heis jealous or threatened. Just fucking selfish and spineless.... He is very badly treated at work and he says nothing, works any hours required, picks up any slack, never says anything, even recently his boss had a row with his wife and totally abused DH, he stood and took it. His bosses wife had ti apologise. IMO he owes them sweet FA.
But he won't tell them I'm on nights when some staff are off.
Dh just said before storming off that while it's holiday season he can't help it.
So!
What do I do!?
I'm NOTkeavung the kids alone. So I guess Next move is his.

OP posts:

ballstoit · 08/06/2012 21:47

TBH, if I'd supported my family for 15 ish years and then my H talked about my lack of a 'decent job' because he how had a great career, I'd probably not be feeling great discussing anything with him. Particularly if my views on what was and wasn't okay for our children to do were also disregarded as well.

I'm not saying that makes his behaviour ok but...

RandomMess · 08/06/2012 21:48

"one of us will have to give up work, are you resigning or am I?"

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 21:53

I really honestly have no one who can stay here for me.
I have 3 friends who live here. ( I'm not native!)
1 is moving 35 miles away In a week.
2 have kids if their own to sort andcould not stay here.
They fi not have spare rooms for my kids. That's out.
Childcare had always been down ti me or dh. Neither of us have family.
It's him, or me for childcare.
It's mostly me. All I ask is 2 nights every 10 days!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 08/06/2012 21:55

Can you advertise for a night nanny - that really is all I can thing of.

Are you in the UK? You could advertise on the local boards honestly it could suit a mum with a baby to come and be paid to stay over as she could bring her baby with her???

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/06/2012 21:58

VicarInaTutu
"What if ds starts another fire and no adult is there?
What if ds does what he ALWAYS does and leaves door open? We had a total stranger walk in a few months ago. I can't rest knowing there is no one there. And when ds goes DD really will braking all night and at 14 I don't think that's ok."

Given the above is your son safe to go to uni?

"Dh says they have no staff so he has to go in.
But my hours are what they are and he knows that.
Itsnot like I've altered anything
He has."

Sounds like he is as unable to change as you are.

COCKadoodledooo · 08/06/2012 21:59

Oh you poor sod, sounds awful. Has he always been such an arse difficult about things relating to your career, or is this a new thing?

Agree with Random re night nanny, but have only heard of them in relation to young babies.

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 21:59

I've never said he doesn't have a decent job and I have worked since my 20 ur old was 3 months old in garages, on check outs, in offiices, so he cannot day I rub my job in his nose. I've dine whatever it's taken yo feed us. But now, just in the last 2 yearsx, I worked my arse off to better myself and so us all.
He is not remotely bothered that I earn more. He is lazy and does not want to change his job. Fine by me, ( I've tried before ti facilitate change for him when he has moaned) he isn't interested. But he coulduphold the agreement we had when I started this job.
If he likes I really wouldn't mind getting something easy, without shifts andwithout the shitloads of stress...

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 08/06/2012 22:06

boney when ds goes to uni he will be under the disabilities team and will be supported and in uni accommodation.

there will always be someone there day and night.

but then DD who is 14 will be left totally alone all night if he cannot accommodate my nights.

i would actually give up my job. its not all that for me. it was meant to be the start of a career path for me, and it is, but my kids will have to come first - but i know he would moan like chuff about the lack of money. i cant win.

if i suggest it he will say i am being stupid.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 08/06/2012 22:09

Well suggest that then, that you will resign and get a job doing something else. When your ds leaves rent his room out for the extra income.

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