aibu to be pissed off that its always me that changed my working hours?

[ThatVikRinA22]

im just having a rant really but would be interested to know if i am being unreasonable....

i work 2 nights every 10 days.

when i started this job DH was supportive and arranged so that he didnt work nights when i do.

i earn more, i have better prospects.

now im almost 2 years into this job and he starts to move the goal posts....so i am due back at work having had annual leave....i am due back on nights.

he has just told me he has to work those nights and there is nothing he can do.
he is saying that i should just go to work and stop worrying!

DD is 14 and imo not old enough to be left alone all night
DS is officially an adult but is autistic and is not safe to leave alone all night imo.....he is awake most of the night and frequently forgets to lock doors etc...i have also discovered he started a fire in his room recently as he has taken up smoking
so i do not trust that its safe for no adult to be home at night.

i have had to at very short notice grovel and change my working hours to try and fit around DH.

He is being an arse and will not discuss it - just says its tough, there is nothing he can do and i should go to work and stop worrying

this is happening more and more and i think its going to begin to be an issue. I cant just alter my working hours at will - i work in a uniformed service and its set shifts. (so hardly a surprise when my nights come around!)

i would happily give up work, but i earn more and we cant afford it.
aibu?

Vicar

it is good to here that at least something works as it should.

I hope that he enjoys uni.

Definitely don't give up your job whatever you do. In any situation where both parents work at the same time then they either scrounge childcare from family/friends or pay. He has to understand that and face up to it.
I am actually angry on your behalf because he is not facing to anything.

Well, when he goes to Uni, you can arrange for an au pair to be in the house at nights (FWIW, my parents did this when my sister and I were youngish). So you've only got six months or so to get through, and I don't think it's worth giving up your career for six months. Is there any way you can reshuffle rooms to get enough space for an au pair before your son leaves? Turn a dining room into a bedroom or something?

Agree with aupair idea or ask around - there may be an OAP WANTING A BIT OF EXTRA cash.

unfortunately grendelsmum we have the smallest house in town (thats actually true! they remain the smallest houses sq footage wise in the whole town...)

so no room for anyone. no room to swing a cat. sadly. (well, not sadly for my cats obviously)

when DS goes to uni there will be a spare room but i also dont want DS to feel that his place has gone and he cannot come home at weekends etc....

i am feeling slightly calmer but still pissed off with the injustice of it always being my problem to sort out and it always falling to me.

this week, i have managed to wangle a slight shift in hours so while im doing a 10 hour shift im doing it earler and leaving earlier, though that does invoke comment from the rest of the shift about "fliers" and i think its going to be impossible to do on a regular basis.

i just feel alone with the child care yet again. all the practicalities involved in a marriage are always down to me, from sorting out our gas supplier to sorting out anything to do with the kids, no matter that i have always worked too.

this job actually meant something to me at one point, but any joy i felt at getting this far quickly got sucked out of me when i realised that im alone in this too.

nothing i do matters. thats the reality. nothing i do matters to anyone else in this house.

DD is stoically telling me to stop worrying and go to work, but there is no way im leaving her alone either with or without ds all night.
my night shifts are 10 hour stints, i would have to leave the house at 8pm and would not be home until 8am including travel time.
not happening.
im not comfortable with this and thats the bottom line. i would worry all night.

as an aside DS also cleaned out my bank account over 2 months we quite honestly there is not a spare penny right now.
long story. cant be arsed to relive it here but we are skint, skint and stuck with no spare room anyway.
we only have 2 rooms downstairs - a kitchen and a lounge/diner but no room for a bed of any description.

this house is down to DH aswell. i wanted a bigger one across town.
he has a lot to answer for....

So he doesn't want you to jack in your job because he would miss the money, but he wants you to risk doing something 1 in 5 days that, if something went even a little wrong, would see you both prosecuted which would cost you that job anyway?

Moon on a stick.

Vicar, my dd1 is almost 13 and I can't imagine leaving her alone overnight I eighteen months, she is very sensible. It if something did go wrong, she would panic.

And that's without your DS and his issues.

Canyou talk to your line manager and see what they suggest?

I know your job is probably quite inflexible around shifts btw. It if DH won't budge what can you do?

It = but. Twice!

if DH wont budge there is going to be very little i can do - i will jack it in, and find a day job, as im not actually sure what the alternative is. (or find a day job and then jack it in)

and then divorce my husband.

my sgt knows im struggling a little lately, and i think had i had more time in, and been out of my 2 year probation, some flexibility could be had, but at this stage i think its like it or lump it.

im not even confirmed in role. so im guessing it probably wouldnt be any great loss to the force tbh....

i am pretty sure my DH he thinks i will not risk the job and will just leave the kids to fend for themselves.
wrong!

we do this dance alot - he is totally without ambition and cannot really understand why i have any. I dont think it would bother him massively if i left the job, as long as i brought in money from something else.

he is obviously not going to discuss it with me, if today is anything to go by.
he told me at 1pm.
i spent the next 30 mins frantically trying to rearrange my night shifts for this week.

i left it all day and then brought it up again at about 8.30 this evening. Cue him storming off to bed refusing to even discuss it.
bodes well then for any kind of discussion - not.

If dh doesn't have a career job as such, and earns less, and isn't actually that happy with his work anyway, why isn't he jacking in his job and looking for something more family friendly?

It's what the lower earning partner has always had to do in these sort of situations, granted usually the female partner, but that shouldn't make a difference.

Vicar theyve invested a lot recruiting vetting and training you, stop doing yourself down.

I really have no helpful suggestion. Ut I've seen you be wonderful to other people and can't leave you unanswered, sorry it's not useful.

why indeed.
i have found no end of things he could retrain to do for him, given him literature, looked up web sites, costed things out, even got phone numbers for him.
my latest and quite credible idea for him was to train to be a driving instructor whilst working so it would not affect our income.

he mmmms and arrrgghhhs and then does precisely sod all with all of it.

problem is we could not really afford for one of us to be out of work - but i cannot force him to look for something else or retrain for something else. and he wont.
he wont look. he wont make any effort what so ever. he never has, he moans occasionally when they treat him really badly but he has worked for him employer for 20 years and to find something or retrain for something would require effort.
he never puts effort into anything. he leaves anything requiring effort to me.
he does housework.
he does the washing and the ironing. but picking up a phone/talking to someone/dealing with something - nope.

This is not what you want to hear but that could have been my DH a few years back, and the problem was he had no confidence at all in dealing Withnpeople.

Could tht be it?

well, he is a manager at work. so god help him if that is the answer really.

He just likes a nice quiet life and likes to be left alone. He puts up with all kinds of shite at work because he will not answer back or argue. He stands and puts up with his boss literally insulting him. I used to work briefly at the same place and i know what a first class arse his boss can be - yet when he tried it with me once i had the wages in my hand, i threw the bloody things at him and walked out....he came chasing me and apologised so his boss is just a little bully boy...if you stand up to him he backs down, yet DH never stands up to him.

dh himself says he is not unable to deal with people, so who knows. i just know i am slightly sick of doing all the dealing with people at home. he shies away from any conflict, of any sort, with anyone.

i dont fight his battles for him anymore. i couldnt care less if he wants to stay in his job forever, but its not affecting mine and what we had agreed when i took this job. DH said he would support me and we would work around my nights.

tbh the best thing that could happen to my DH would be to get made redundant but they wont as it would cost them too much. I think they had a brain wave last month and started to ask him what they paid him for...i think they do want rid of him but if i know how they operate (and i do - i worked there) they would do it by stealth. He really owes them sod all. nothing. they are grasping, insulting bullies, and his male boss is a first class lech. (last 'do' we went on he spent more time feeling my arse than enough) and DH sits and says nothing...

so i dont really know why i bother or why i expect anything more tbh. i hate to think this, or write it, but he is a bit of a doormat. ive always known he is soft. soft is nice. but doormat, not so nice. im not really all that feisty, but i often feel like i am doing the more traditional "male" role within our household and it doesnt come naturally to me either.

*now affecting mine
(not not affecting mine)

ffs. im tired.

You've achieved a lot getting to where you are Vicar

I hope you're not going to have to jack it in because he's a spineless sulky prick.

Oh vicar you sound so down about this whole thing. I really hope you do not give up your job because of your dh. I can imagine that would lead to a lasting resentment which would finish off your relationship. If you give up now it would be very short sighted - in a few months time your ds will be less of a worry.

I really hope you can both do some talking today and come to an agreement. Does your dh not agree to pay someone to be at home while you are both out or will he not even consider your views. I can't understand how he can not see that your ds needs a responsible adult in view of the fire lighting and money issues.
Thinking of you today.

Giving up your job would be a long term solution to a short term problem. Given another year your dd will be well able to be left alone.

In the meantime advertise for a student or young adult to stay overnight on the sofa for the nights that you are stuck. Your dd is not a child so should be fine and just needs someone to be there.

Do you have an alarm fitted? That should reassure you when you do feel comfortable leaving her.

With regards to your husband, there really is no point in badgering him about his career, it clearly doesn't work and ambition comes from within. I'd be pissed off too though about his attitude to sharing childcare!

i am down.

just tried to talk to him again - he says there is no difference in leaving the kids through the night and going out for a few hours on an evening (which occasionally we have done)

He leaves the house at about 2am. We dont have a spare room for a babysitter so im stuck - and i dont know anyone who would want to do it anyway. Ive racked my brains all night trying to think if anyone could stay over but we just have no one.
id have to advertise but where would they sleep? and who would want a job for just 2 nights every 10 days?

im just going around in circles. He says he is 3 staff down and thats why he has to go in now as there is no cover.

he said he will hand in his notice but there are no other jobs. It would be easier for me to find something else i think practically speaking as i can do clerical, optical dispensing, reception work, - they probably come up more.

i am just pissed off. its going to be me again.

ha. DH jsut said it - i would find it easier to get another job. there we go. the truth outs.
he thinks i just want a fight.

i found several cigarette butts outside my door this morning so i know DS is smoking and would smoke in the house if we arent there - and he is up all night.

Who earns more you or him?

If you earn more than he hands his notice in and finds something else.

Perhaps if he handed his notice in then his employers may suddenly be more flexible.

In the short term can both of you use up your holiday leave to cover those days?

i earn more.

he wont look for another job. He says there is nothing for him. so thats that. ive tried again to get him to look today - bottom line is he doesnt want to.

we dont have enough holiday to see us through as its permanent nights for us both, though mine are only 2 every 10 days.

he cant use odd days - he has to take his in blocks anyway.

this is all so bloody ridiculous. I am going to have to sort it out one way or another because landing the ball back in his court means it will just sit there.

Oh this really is a tough one isn't it.

You have worked so hard for this job. Would you resent him if you gave it up? Because if so you can't do it.

I can't think of the solution but I know there will be one.