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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say well done to my super nephew...

259 replies

Theglassishalffull · 05/06/2012 19:13

My 10year old nephew had new splints fitted. The man who fit them was not his normal one, so when he came to fit them my nephew said to him"I think that they need to be cut more."
To which the fitter replied "Well I have had 24 years experience doing this so I do know what I am doing."
My nephew then turned to him and said " Well I have had 10 years experience at being disabled so I know what I am talking about.
I thought that was brilliant.

OP posts:
HRH2shoesofMn · 05/06/2012 22:57

forehead you were trying to be an expert, but were proved wrong, so you lost, no competition, just the truth.

TuftyFinch · 05/06/2012 22:57

Be proud of him for speaking up.
Ignore all of the ignorant, rude people on here.
He wasn't rude. Even if he was, would it be better if he said nothing and suffered in silence? Of course not.

nutellaontoast · 05/06/2012 22:58

Rudeness and assertiveness are two different things.

Rude would have been "oy, asshole, it doesn't fucking fit" not what was said which amounted to "actually, I DO have the right to an opinion thankyouverymuch". Which was assertive, not rudeness. As cory has described, raising children to be non-assertive as it is "rude" isn't desirable as what you end up with isn't a rounded person, it's a doormat. (sorry cory)

As others pointed out he had TRIED mild politeness and it was about to get him poor fitting, the fitter was determined not to listen.

Theglassishalffull · 05/06/2012 22:58

Vicar usually he is polite and laid back but sometimes you have to get your point across.

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 05/06/2012 23:00

Forehead. What is rude about what the child said?

You say children should stand up for themselves. That's exactly what he was doing. It wasn't as he was being told he should accept a blue ballon instead of the green one he wanted. He was trying to get through to a very arrogant man that he was going to be in pain.

cory · 05/06/2012 23:01

The ironic thing after the years of health professionals refusing to listen to dd and telling her that she couldn't be in pain because the doctor said so, the NHS is now having to spend a small fortune in CAHMS counselling to try to wean her off some of her more unhealthy coping mechanisms (cutting, vomiting, hyperventilating, school refusal etc). A little more rudeness from both of us would have saved the tax payers a good deal of money.

I don't know if I'm ashamed, actually. We've lived through it all and we're still alive and there is hope she may be able to return to fulltime education next term, which will be her Year 11. But I don't think it's ideal.

thebody · 05/06/2012 23:02

Oh mrs devere, am so very very sorry for your loss of precious child xxxx

Theglassishalffull · 05/06/2012 23:03

He also had tried to be polite...

OP posts:
Theglassishalffull · 05/06/2012 23:07

MrsDEVERE I am sorry for your loss..I currently work with a child who has ALL. He has limited language skills and was not walking when the doctors twitted that actually he did NOT have a viral infection!!

OP posts:
cory · 05/06/2012 23:07

TheSecondComing Tue 05-Jun-12 22:56:56

"There are ways of getting ones point across. "

The fact that you are having to make a formal complaint in retrospect doesn't exactly prove that you were able to make an impact at the time.

The problem with the formal complaints approach is that the harm will have been done. If the boy is able to startle the fitter into listening, then the damage done by an ill-fitting splint will be avoided- that seems rather a more satisfactory conclusion than making a complaint afterwards when the damage has been done.

I also complained to dd's school afterwards (and would have sued them had the headteacher not suddenly announced his retirement). But that would not have altered the damage done to dd.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/06/2012 23:08

MrsDeVere... I can't imagine what that must have been like. I don't even know what I would have done in your place. I can only comment on what I would do, with my experience, and that is to ask firmly and politely, explaining my concerns. If that didn't work - ask to speak to a person at the next level up - rinse and repeat. I know that I wouldn't budge.

At what point I'd 'lose it', I don't know. I wouldn't say that I'd never lose my temper. I think many of our medical professionals are excellent - just as many are indifferent, incompetent, deluded and self-important. If I were with a loved one seeking treatment for a serious medical condition, I'd do all I could too. What else can one do?

Theglassishalffull · 05/06/2012 23:08

I can not imagine what you have been through.

OP posts:
Toughasoldboots · 05/06/2012 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

forehead · 05/06/2012 23:09

When posters post on aibu, they must expect others to have a different view from themselves. It is not about point scoring as far as i am concerned(despite the fact that some posters are trying to turn this into a competition).
These type of threads are always very emotional and as a result some posters begin to behave in an irrational manner. Being level headed is always beneficial in the long run.

WorraLiberty · 05/06/2012 23:10

I don't get the outrage on this thread really.

Some people think the kid was a little star for responding that way.

Some people think the kid was a cheeky brat for responding that way.

But either way, none of us here are his parents are we?

This child's attitude (whether you agree with it or not) is not going to have any sort of 'come back' to anyone on this thread...not even the OP as he's not her child.

Of course we've all got opinions on the matter because this is a public forum...but I'm struggling to see why some people are so 'outraged'.

Unless they're getting their emotions mixed up because of the child's disability and are maybe struggling to see past that?

QuickLookBusy · 05/06/2012 23:11

You've been through so much MrsDeVere.

I really don't understand why, after reading the awful experience children have had to cope with, posters calling this boy names, haven't had the decency to apologise.

cory · 05/06/2012 23:11

Not venom in my case. Just sadness. Because I have instilled the polite-at-all-costs-approach in my child and I am dealing with the fallout. I am not justifying rudeness, it's an approach we haven't tried. But we have tried the other one.

HRH2shoesofMn · 05/06/2012 23:11

Well I encourage my dd to stand up for herself.
for too long she has put up and shut up, until she got a VOCA.
so she can tell the SW to shut up when he is taking up her evening asking her loads of questions.
she can tell people that things hurt.
if that is deemed rude, tough, she might be severely disabeld, but she is a person first, to many people think they know better and assume she will just comply.

Toughasoldboots · 05/06/2012 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 05/06/2012 23:17

HRH if you are happy with your DD telling anyone to "Shut up" then that is your free choice as a parent.

I would rather stick pins in my eyes than allow my kids to talk to anyone like that but I'm not going to get all 'Angry from Tunbridge Wells' because you're happy for her to be like that.

We all allow/encourage our kids to do things that others find unacceptable and vice versa.

I think what sort of 'kicked this thread off' was that the OP expected a lot more praise than her Nephew got.

Babylann · 05/06/2012 23:17

It's raising children to think they must be 100% patient and polite at all times, even in the face of rudeness, which puts them in vulnerable positions.

I read a good blog once that said the way we raise our children to be polite and tolerant means they get trapped into things they don't want. It was a rape blog so it was obviously geared more to that, but I think you can apply it to this situation.

Children are taught to be polite at all costs, which sticks with them for the rest of their lives, meaning we find ourselves in positions throughout life where we are trapped in situations purely because we're afraid of offending others and being rude.

I can think of dozens of examples when I used to go out with my friends to pubs or clubs. Not a single time have I been out and not been cornered by a few much older men flirting inappropriately with me and making me uncomfortable, and yet I am always too "polite" to say fuck off and leave me alone. To the point where I've felt forced to give out my phone number to the strange men who want me to "come to their house around the corner with them - just as friends, honest - no sex" just to get them to back off without being "rude".

It applies here because similarly I've even gone to a GP appointment with something important to talk about and ended up backing down very quickly and leaving before anything was done about it just because I thought it would be rude to say, "No, you're my GP and there's something wrong with me which can't just be dismissed."

OPs nephew was not rude. He was determined and true to himself, and he didn't allow himself to be pressured into suffering just because someone older than him was rude and dismissive of him.

WhiteWidow · 05/06/2012 23:19

I earlier said that this thread made me lose faith in humanity, I spoke before reading some of the people's posts on here regarding their children and how they coped.

Thankyou for sharing your experiences, I know you do not want my pity so instead I offer my admiration of what strong women you all are, and your children.

HRH2shoesofMn · 05/06/2012 23:19

Worra she is 17 not 7, so I think in reality she could say a lot worse if she was nt and could talk.

thebody · 05/06/2012 23:19

Good for you forehead.

I will always remember to be level headed when my dd is crying in pain as she has her sores dressed( caused by NHS incompetence not the accident)

If only we had your measured approach and if course trouble free life aye??

youarekidding · 05/06/2012 23:20

worra for the first time ever! I disagree with you. It's not about ability/ disability. It's about the fact that an adult was rude to a child due to their own perceived expertise and a child put them right - pointing out they are an expert in themselves. In some, and many ways, no different to when people tell MNers they 'know they're child best' - better than the experts (GPs, teachers etc) and to fight for their child, not take no for an answer, seek a second opinion.

In my case, where my DS was rude (by shouting at) to another adult it has nothing to do with disability. It was because an adult was insisting he ate something on a plate with a substance on it that could potentially kill him.

He was polite, she still didn't listen, he shouted.

I think it's fair enough to say the boy could have spoken to the adult differently - but I think an adult calling a child who refused to be given ill fitting splints a 'brat' is actually far ruder than a child defending themselves.