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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be shocked by the amount of Stepford wives on Mumsnet

289 replies

LoopyLoopsCorgiPoops · 05/06/2012 13:09

So many women on here either this it's fine to do everything in the house and with the children, or don't think it's fine yet put up with it. I simply could not live with an adult who thought they were more important and more deserving of leisure time than me. Why do they all put up with it?

OP posts:
LadyTeeAndBiscuits · 05/06/2012 13:36

But I never iron my husband's work shirts. Grin

Also, I get tons of leisure time and will get even more in the autumn when our son starts pre-school!

HerMajestyQueenHillyzabethII · 05/06/2012 13:36

Am I the only person wondering which particular part of ahem Asia thecheesestring's DH has gone to on a stag do? HmmShock

I sort of agree with what Worra said, and of course it depends on whether both parties WOTH, if if the woman is a SAHM.

The trouble is, many women have quite lofty standards on how they want housework and laundry done, and it seems that most men are not even capable of stacking the dishwasher to their DWs exact specifications if the amount of complaints on MN are anything to go by. I think the problem is one of different expectations and priorities where housework and childcare and cooking are concerned.

I get the impression that many men do try to do what they think is a fair share, but that we women are always telling them they do it wrong/not well enough, so we end up doing it again anyway.

Of course that is a massive generalisation but I think it is true on the whole. I am going to sit on the fence.

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 05/06/2012 13:37

I also agree with Worra (Baaaaaaa and all that noise)

As long as people are happy in traditional roles, that's their business. My parents WERE very traditional in their roles at first. Then my Mum got a slipped disc and was laid up for months, so my Dad had to do the lion's share of housework (and everything else. He had to learn to cook completely from scratch). Now they split things pretty evenly.

People have more choice nowadays, but many are happy in traditional roles. If you are not, then don't put up with it! At the moment, while DH is looking for work, we tend to split things evenly. I do most of the childcare, he does most of the housework and cooking. We both get breaks together and apart. I find that works for us.

MarshaBrady · 05/06/2012 13:38

I get help - cleaner and childcare and have lots of free time.

Dh enjoys his career.

So works well for both of us.

WorraLiberty · 05/06/2012 13:40

I get the impression that many men do try to do what they think is a fair share, but that we women are always telling them they do it wrong/not well enough, so we end up doing it again anyway

I totally agree with that.

When my DH moved in with me, I had to bite my tongue off sometimes because he did things differently to me.

And different does NOT = wrong.

I soon learnt to close the kitchen door and let him get on with it his way...at the end of the day the job got done so who cares how he painfully did it Grin

JubileeTatWearer · 05/06/2012 13:40

This happens to be our current set up, but please don't assume we're all "fine" or putting up with it. The problem is that, in the current economy, there aren't exactly many part-time/family-friendly jobs out there. So, I get on with it. And have a moan on MN every now and again. and drink too much Wine

As for leisure time...what's that?

Firawla · 05/06/2012 13:41

I do everything in our house, I do moan about it but then when dh does things he does it wrong and way too slow so it gets on my nerves so I would rather tell him leave it to me. It's not a huge issue, he works a lot. I am busy with small dc at home but once they are in school he wouldnt expect me to go to work if I dont want to

MarshaBrady · 05/06/2012 13:42

Dh is way better at ironing, so he does it.

He is however banned politely excused from DIY and laundry.

LadyTeeAndBiscuits · 05/06/2012 13:43

Exactly what I do, worra. My husband does do the washing up (we have a 'you cook, I'll wash up' agreement and I usually cook) and he's so slow it makes me nuts. But he does it. And that's what matters!

everlong · 05/06/2012 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 05/06/2012 13:49

I spent all last week decorating the spare bedroom and dreaming up ways of keeping my DH out until I'd finished.

If I'd have let him help, it would have looked like he simply detonated a paint bomb and closed the door.....

knowitallstrikesagain · 05/06/2012 13:50

If your DH would be happy to live in a pit, and you knew this before you married him, you can't then complain that he does not help with chores 50% because you have higher standards.

Choose your partner based on what you both want and what you are both prepared to do.

Birdsgottafly · 05/06/2012 13:52

Many across MN find it hard to grasp that more women (in fact people) are employed in jobs, not careers and it will not be damaging, long term for them to take a break from working in the local off licence or chippy etc.

Given a choice of turning up to do a shift in a pub or claim the extra tax credits, then it doesn't take much working out why they would rather be at home.

The same applies to call centre work etc and a lot of employers value the skills of parents.

Only on MN have i heard that housework and childcare is so hard that they cannot be done at the same time.

I read the posts as the women do not want leisure time and will not allow anyone to babysit, so expect their partners to follow suit.

everlong · 05/06/2012 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieLobeseder · 05/06/2012 13:55

I'm with you OP. I've just been ranting on another thread full of women moaning that they have to do ALL the domestic work, childcare, cleaning, cooking, the lot because their partners refuse to help. Most of these women also work part or full-time.

If some women are happy with taking on all the domestic responsibility, good for them, though I hope they don't get taken for granted and left for a younger model, and so are covering their financial backsides.

It's the ones who aren't happy but still remain with these entitled, arrogant, misogynistic pricks who think they're above domestic work and don't give a tiny shit that their womenfolk are overworked and miserable.

MrsCampbellBlack · 05/06/2012 13:56

Quite Everlong - our life is very similar and works for us.

everlong · 05/06/2012 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

droves · 05/06/2012 14:01

Said it once , will say it again ...the only thing a man can do that a woman can't Is pee standing up , the only thing a woman can do a man can't is give birth .

Step ford was a scary film .

A fantasy horror . More emphasis on fantasy .

AnnieLobeseder · 05/06/2012 14:01

I care because there are thousands of unhappy women out there who are being walked all over by their partners. If they're happy, I really don't care. But it would be very selfish of me to not give a shiny shit about anyone else in the whole world who is in a miserable situation just because I'm happy. That kind of selfishness is far too rife in the world today - too much "I'm alright Jack, sod the rest of you."

MarshaBrady · 05/06/2012 14:02

I feel very far from overworked and miserable. It's a nice life atm.

Dh does a lot with the children anyway.

LadyTeeAndBiscuits · 05/06/2012 14:03

I've never seen a man breast feed, Drove...

WorraLiberty · 05/06/2012 14:04

My neighbour makes me laugh

Her DH does just as much as her around the house and with the kids etc because they both work.

She's forever telling him "There's no such thing as 'women's' work"

That's all well and good and I totally agree...except for the fact she refuses to take the bins out, mow the lawn, do any DIY, change the oil in the car and is always volunteering him to help the neighbours with any heavy lifting.

Apparently it's because all that is 'Men's work'? Grin

LadyTeeAndBiscuits · 05/06/2012 14:04

Annie, it's the assumption that I must be miserable because I take care of our house and our child that gets my back up. I'm far from miserable with my life. Just the opposite, in fact.

BigBoPeep · 05/06/2012 14:05

Before meeting DH I was a proper full on indpendent woman/rampant feminist and reckoned I would have bullwhipped any partner of mine to do exactly 50% of the housework/childrearing no matter what and would NEVER be dependent on anyone for money.

Now however I'm perfectly happy doing the housewife thing, I even knit! I'm a massive cliche. But, it's fine - he does OTHER things which I don't want to do outside the home. I'm happy doing to housework to my standards he would happily live in a pit were I not here I actually get a good feeling of satisfaction when I get a load of laundry washed, dried and organised and we have a nice clean bed to get into, and I have a clean kitchen to cook in Blush Shock and I love having the freedom and time to spend with DD breastfeeding whenever I want etc.

He not only runs his business but has largely taken over mine during my maternity leave so it didn't have to die altogether. That's worth more to me than a bit of laundry!

knowitallstrikesagain · 05/06/2012 14:07

Are these women unhappy in their situations because their DPs have become lazy, or because they have always been lazy?

I ask because I have friends who will moan til the cows come home about how their DH doesn not clean the bathroom/leaves wet washing in the machine for 2 days/doesn't seem to notice dust. Yet when I ask, they say, 'Yes, he has always been like this'. Well if he lived like that when he was single, what on earth made you think he would suddenly become a domestic god when you were living together?

I think lots of women expect an equal split, yet have much higher standards, and knew about the discrepancy in standards before they chose their partner, so in cases like this, I have no sympathy.

If a woman stays at home and cleans the house to how she wants it, then goes back to work, why should DP step in a clean it to how she wants it when she was aware of his standards in the first place?

I would happily live like a pig. I do the bare minimum for my house to be acceptable and DC to be clean and presentable. But if my DH was a clean freak and insisted I kept the house to a certain standard because that was what he wanted, you would all be telling me to leave the bastard Grin