to be shocked by the amount of Stepford wives on Mumsnet

[LoopyLoopsCorgiPoops]

So many women on here either this it's fine to do everything in the house and with the children, or don't think it's fine yet put up with it. I simply could not live with an adult who thought they were more important and more deserving of leisure time than me. Why do they all put up with it?

Dh doesn't come to everything, a play maybe and does parent teacher.

That's fine, it's more social for me any way.

My DC love it when both DH and I pick them up after school together, it doesn't happen often though.

Yep agree Bonsoir. It's nice to have men involved.

Not retired but in control of own business / work yes. Good lives pretty much.

All the staff, bar one PT Y2 teacher and one TA-type, are women at DD's (huge) school, and those two men have zero management role. The meetings where there are only staff and mothers are perfectly dreadful - all sorts of ghastly ego issues emerge. Fathers' presence keep the female teachers' ego issues versus (richer, more educated) mothers at bay!

Good mix of mothers and fathers in evidence at the dcs' schools. All seems to work very well thank goodness - Some situations on here sound ghastly!

wordfactory, we've been lucky enough that parents' evenings have been pretty plain sailing for us, so I don't think I would see much benefit to DH coming too, given it would be hard for him to get home from work in time. If we had major issues with one of the DC's progress, it would be different. He does make the effort to come to plays they're in, was a parent volunteer for D of E for one of them last month, etc, so it's not as if he doesn't contribute, it's just he doesn't feel the need to attend things very frequently. It works for us.

To bring it back to the origional OP, I don't really care if couple's decide to split the balance where one brings all the wage in and the other does all of the housework but this ends at childcare. I find it abhorrent that one parent (in a living together family) can renege on childcare duties simply by playing the 'I work full time' card. It takes two to make a baby, and the child, if living with both parents, should be cared for, entertained by and taught by both parents.

I do also take issue with those around me that don their martyr hat when discussing their wages/hosework balance, and use the fact that they are doing ALL of the housework and childcare as a cross to bear. They fail to see that their OH is capable of even the basic tasks as they have managed to raise themselves to adulthood, or listen to advice about how things can be adapted to make a more equal balance.

Should one parent be happy to shoulder the financial burden and one the running of the household burden, then fair play to them. When they are NOT happy, and fail to accept that they are able to change it and are not being unreasonable to expect support from their OH, then I feel angry at the imbalance and lack of co-operation between them, and equally grateful that my DH is helpful around the house and we are, most importantly, happy with our set-up.

Oh, and to comment on the up-to-date conversation, I do think it is important for both parents to be present at Parent's Evenings where physically possible.

Yes I don't have much sympathy for martyrs - if you don't like your household arrangements then you need to work to change them surely?

The 'stepford' thing though seems to be popping up on mn quite a bit and really is very insulting.

100% agree with Betty - no task in this house is assigned to one person, they are just things that need doing in order for the family to function. If that falls to me because I am at home at the moment then so be it.

Isan't it about pulling together, getting the job done (whatever that may be) and working as a partnership?

Quite frankly, I would not contemplate the ironing after a 12 hour day at work and a two hour commute - so I don't expect DH to.

I think the thread title is a misnomer. The OP has put two classes of sahms together. The women who do everything in the home happily and the women who do everything in the home unhappily.

Surely the whole point of a Stepford Wife is that she would be happily accepting of her roles of domestic drudge/childcarer/sex slave without uttering a word of complaint?

When they programmed in the Stepford Wives' vocabulary, did they build in words of complaint? I doubt it.

Hmm I agree with that majority and each to there own although I do find myself shaking my head in disbelief when Mner's post about their OH's NEVER getting up with the kids or giving them a lie in ever.

I am assuming OP posted this purely to kick off a little ruck?

as I cannot for the life on my imagine why he/she gives a flying fuck about what other people do in their partnerships

I also think calling a woman a stepford wife is somewhat offensive

The whole point of the Stepford wife is that they never argue, never complain and never disagree with their husbands. That's why I posted (somewhat flippantly I admit) that being a Stepford wife would be easier. They certainly wouldn't expect their husbands to do chores. I think it's an interesting concept. But so is the idea of a Stepford husband.

Fay Weldon said "'It's such a waste of time trying to tell your husband to pick up the socks or clean the loo. It's much easier just to do it yourself

and you know what, sometimes I agree! In time spent bollocking him, I could just do it...NOT a popular view

That said, he (DP) is a great Dad and does his fair share but I likely do a certain % more than him. so what? not the end of the world

I think that the Fay Weldon attitude is just all wrong! Nagging never works but some under-the-radar emotional manipulation over the long haul is pretty fail safe.

nagging NEVER works on anyone

and I know that, as DP nags me on shit loads too!

I just think pick your battles, life is tiring enough

OP one of my very good friends lives like you describe. she works 2/3 of a job and does everything at home & with the DCs. Her DH treats her unpleasantly.

why does she put up with it? because she doesnt know how to make her own life better & is too afraid to take him on.

how does she cope? a lot of the time she pretends its ok, its 'just how men are'. she puts on a good face. its a waste of her live, damaging to her children, but she doesnt want her friends to do anything other than be sympathetic when he is nasty and let her brush it under the carpet when he is not.

WasabiTillyMinto that is awful for your friend but I think a lot of people who say women shouldn't do the household stuff think of women like your friend rather than women like me. I do a whole professional job, DH does probably a whole professional job and another third. I work locally, DH has 45 minutes travelling each way and is out of the house from 7.30 until 9ish every day and generally does at least six hours at weekends.

I have always dealt with all the household stuff and have been happy to do it - in fact I have often felt privileged to do it. I have also done most of the parents evenings unless there has been a problem with one of the dc because dh trusts my judgement and is confident I will report back accurately and deal with any problems well. I have found that empowering. DH has always done the sporty stuff and as I have taken on the parents evenings he has usually been able to get to concerts, prize givings, shows, etc., which have mattered far more to the children.

I knew my dh was driven and a workaholic when I married him. He knew I had had enough of being high powered and wanted to be a mummy and a homemaker for a while. I adore my DH and he has never, ever treated me badly or often taken me for granted although I recall the weekend when the dc were small and I was sick of him announcing he was doing x, y and z without consultation, so I woke him up one Saturday morning, gave him an itinerary and went out for a whole hard 10 hours leaving him to it. He was quite abashed when I got home and the penny dropped.

What's worth mentioning are all those mums who, when the DC were say, 7 and 4, used to do the "I wouldn't put up with my dh not coming, I wouldn't put up with my dh not doing x, I wouldn't accept doing all the house stuff and him never coming shopping". Then when I went back to work when the dc were 8 and 5 said things like "I wouldn't lower myself to start at the bottom and do photocopying", "when do you have time to do stuff for you". Those couples who were inseperable and consulted about everything and liked nothing better to rain on someone else's parade. Now, they say, "you are so lucky" or "it's alright for you, you have got everything" notwithstanding the two most outspoken from the playground who are now divorced and at 50+ not having worked for nearly 20 years will find it hard to pick up and run with the pack again. .

Did anyone see 56up the other day. I was so pleased that I went back to work at 44. It was so sad to see ladies a year or two older than me whose dc had flown and who felt that there was something missing.

Lastly - my glass has always been half full and I think that helps.

I dont get it, lets say both people in the relationship work F/T with chldren, why or why would one person do all the house work. Some people are saying they like doing this why!! My mother did this for a long time worked longer hours than my stepfather and did EVERYTHING including raising four children, then she had a break down due o exaustion. You do realise you dont get extra brownie points. Thank God she looks after herself now, still orks F/T but has learnt to pull back so others can pull up the slack.

I dont think anyone is saying women shouldnt do the household stuff . I have spent the day shopping,putting it away and doing mealplans and laundry- am on holiday atm. Someone has to do it and today thats me !
The point is my DH and I share 50/50 and always have done. So when I am at work it will be him.
I simply could not stay with a partner who had so little respect that they dropped their dirty underwear and left it for someone else to clear up and I do not allow my DC to behave like this as well.
There are lots of assumptions that those of us in equal partnerships when it comes to housework spend all our time nagging/shouting etc and its easier to let it go. Simply untrue- my DH just gets on with it as do I. We dont argue,fight or do the passive/aggressive nastiness that I see in so many couples.
"Thats how men are" - er no...

I don't think any relationship is 100% equal. Someone will always earn a little bit more, do a little bit more, contribute a little bit more, love a little bit more, or a little bit less. Total equality is a nice ideal, but rarely occurs, even with the most feminist men I know.

I also think the work "nagging" is another way of a man turning things round, I hate that word. I also bristle when I hear women using it as a for instance against other women.

"word" of course. Bloody fingers!

I probally cook more peanut cos Im fabulous at it !
DH does all the gardening because my back is so bad I cant do it
The point is we respect each other and our differences.

Nagging implies its the womans duty to make her DH see what needs doing - if he took responsibility there would be no nagging.
Does anyone nag me to cook or do my share of the cleaning ?