Was I unreasonable here.

[Yummymummyyobe1]

I was going to name change for this but don't think it is necessery. Anyway here goes.

My DP, me and our DS1 live in quite a nice area. We are on first name terms with the three neighbours to the left of us and are quite friendly you know the sort of thing popping in for a cuppa, and neighbourhoog get togethers as well as lists of contact number and spare keys to one anothers homes.

Anyway to the right hand side there are how do I put this delicately?? a couple of properties where the famliy's/tenants are less then salubrious police visits are numerous and their genral behaviour is frightful for example their children seem to think it is more than acceptable to trespass on private property by climbing over the wrought iron work and playing chase across the four front gardens.

So today my DP and his father popped out for an hour whilst I stayed in with our DS1 whist he napped. Anway the door bell went and as bold as brass a member of the family to the right had the audacity to knock on the scrounge. We had just had a delivery of baby related items a new supply of nappies and formula you know the sort of thing. She stood on the doorstep and asked if I had some spare baby formula and nappies as they were sort this week. I politely said we didn't (a small white lie a know) anyway after this she stood there and asked if I was sure, as we have a small baby ourselves. At this my blood began to boil a little as no should mean no and not a chance to negotiate.

Anyway after storming down our front path and slamming the gate closed I overheard her say something about people like them. Ha what a nerve I think she has that very wrong and how we would help the people to the left (which I would as they put their famlies and children first).

The reason I said no are as follows:

1. They all have mobile phones
2. Most of them smoke
3. They always have a drink in their hand
4. Have Sky

under normal circumstances not an issue but if you can not afford to look after your child then some if not all the above are not needed, and surely any parent would put their child first before luxury items.

Was I unreasonable to turn her down based on the above grounds or should I have helped?

Thanks xx

That does sound a good idea mumblecrumble but I fear it may be too late as their youngest is a toddler so may have been for somebody else xx

hairylemon I was home when the dish went up and also they never go out to work even for a night shift. xx

If it was clearly for someone else's baby then how would your neighbour's smoking, sky or drinking influence your decision? I'm afraid you were being spiteful because of your prior judgements. Unfortunately, the only person to really suffer was the baby. I just hope they managed to get the necessary supplies to make the baby comfortable. Oh, one other thing; why do you have a regular delivery of formula if you usually breast feed?

kittyandthefontanelles as we have a tin in for instances like this and we also order in for some friends of ours as it makes perfect sense to combine the order to save the delivery charge.

At the time I was just very angry that the lady in question knocked when they are usually very dismisive of us, perhaps it was a mix of being tired and unwell and as DS was asleep wanted a an hours sleep myself, as a tired ill mummy is no use to anybody. xx

Ahhh they are obviously paying for the full sky package rather than the very basic one and on benefits because you personally watch them 24/7 and never see them go out to work. The bastards.

truthfully I think I'd have said I didn't have the nappies etc even if I did but would have possibly offered formula - on other hand tho most people give specific formula to baby so a little unusual to be looking for any type I would have thought... I would also (obv v judgemental) be v suspicious of the request arriving hot on the heels of my delivery.

I'd also refuse I think because if you agree once, then enxt time its harder to say no etc.

Yes we should all be charitable if we can possibly afford it but we also have the right to choose who to be charitable to..

OP, I don't need to add any more to what has been said but yes YABU. The "evidence" you have used to back up your reasoning has done nothing to support your point of view, but given the responses I suspect you're well aware of that by now. If any Tom, Dick or Harry knocked on my door asking for nappies & milk I'd gladly oblige, but would be unlikely to help with the milk unless they we're happy for me to shove a tit in their child's mouth.

Also, you mentioned previously that you don't normally have formula as you breast feed (then later mentioned you always have a couple of extra tins in the house but I'm judging). If it hasn't been pointed out to you before, unless your breast feeding is very well established you may find it virtually impossible to return to breast feeding after quite a break from it. If you are not already doing so I would highly recommend expressing at regular intervals to maintain your supply otherwise you may find your supply dries up completely. I'd also be seriously peeved with whichever healthcare professional prescribed you medication incompatible with feeding (unless your life depended on it obviously). But that's just me...

not judging* damn autocorrect...

Can I just ask..... Harking back to beginning of thread, someone offered OP a biscuit, is this not a nice thing? What is there to find exception to in a jammy dodger? (confused).

Have just read the whole thread.
90% of posters agree that YWBU to refuse a couple of nappies and scoops of formula when you had plenty in.
Also YWBU to be so judgy and look down on your neighbours.
I believe you were also daft to pass up an opportunity to end the divisiveness on your street.
If there was a next time and I could help, I would once. You could check out local food banks too in case there were more occasions.
Although your neighbour probably now has you labelled as a tight snotty cow so prob won't be a next time. Result

OP I don't think you have been totally unreasonable.

I know that the OP's post does sound snobby but ultimately the reason that the OP didn't feel obliged to give the neighbour nappies and formula was not that she wasn't the "right" type of person, but more that the neighbour had actively been rude to the OP in the past and they didn't even really know each other.

I would be interested to ask how the request was phrased though OP. Was it just oh can we have a packet of nappies and a tin of formula or did the neighbour specify they just wanted a few? Also did they say they would pay you or return them (obviously new nappies not the used ones!) at a later date? I would really never dream of asking a stranger to give me things unless there was some sort of dire circumstance, but if that was the case I would be very clear to the person who was asking why I was doing this and would be clear that I was not expecting something for nothing i.e "I'm really sorry we've run out of nappies and I can't get to the shops because the buses are not running, but will pay you back tomorrow etc".

I suppose I probably would have given a few nappies to them and tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, but I do agree that once you have done this once you would probably find it would start happening more frequently.

Disclaimer: have only read pages 1, 2 & 11. However, I know the answer is YABU, because anyone with 'yummymummy' in their name is always U.

Bella, good point about expressing to keep milk production going but also going from bottle to breast is apparently not advisable as different mechanisms are required to suckle from each. It confuses the baby I've been told. OP-I still don't get why you have a regular order. Now you are buying for friends? How very altruistic you are towards your middle class mummy friends.

Thanks ll31 it did seem odd to knock after the knew we had recently had a delivery.

BellaOfTheBalls I'm off to the dr tomorrow re the AB's as I really don't want my DS to not breastfeed. We have extra formula in as a great number of our friends have babies and it saves them having to bring provisions with them.

blubberguts I always decline a biscuit as they are not good for me

wimblehorse I am far from a snob but do find a request out of the blue by people that dislike us without knowing us and are downright rude odd.

angelicstar thank you it was because it seemed very odd. She phrased it as do you have a spare pack or nappies and formula for us love. No mention of reimbursment for said items. There is a Tesco Metro around the corner so these items were availble even on a bank holiday.

Cabrinha disclaimer noted. How do you mean by YABU, because anyone with 'yummymummy' in their name is always U.

xx

So you buy in the formula just in case someone else needs it? Hmmmm........ I think someone did.....

I see your point OP, and don't think YABU necessarily (though you may have given her the benefit of the doubt on this one occasion).

I have had previous bad experience of being 'neighbourly'-a few years back when I used to rent, next-door-but-one used to knock on the door claiming her wages hadn't come through, and could I give her a loan to buy the baby food. I did it on a few occasions, but she a) didn't pay me back a penny and b) started knocking on my door at 2am in the morning (and almost kicked the door down on one occasion when I didn't answer). I then had to tell her in no uncertain terms to leave me the fuck alone. Not meant to put anyone off helping neighbours out, but unfortunately I tend to think twice/go with my gut when a situation like this arises...

OP, I actually think this is quite a difficult situation....if you phrased it differently. If you had said, "AIBU to not give nappies and formula to a neighbour who's always been rude to me?", you might have had a different response. I always like to try and help but it's a bit odd to be asked for help by someone who normally ignores you.

However, YABU to decide whether to help or not based on your opinion of their class / social standing / morality etc.

My husband works hard, I have a nice house, we run 2 cars, nice family blah blah blah.....last Christmas, DH drove in the snow to our childless friend's house to borrow some wrong-size pull-ups as the shops had closed and we'd underestimated how many nappies we had left (they have nephews). Running out unexpectedly happens to the best of us. I also politely asked for 2 baby wipes of vaguely familiar women in the park yesterday as all out but 2 snotty-nosed boys.

There is also a clue in your neighbour's question if you have quoted her correctly "they were short this week". It is easier to run out of things if you cannot buy in bulk because you're paid weekly.

I buy it in for if I need it, as I do at the present time and yes so that friendscan come to the house without a nappy bag (it does make life easier).

My DP laughs as we could start a nursery shop with the number of bottles etc we have with various sized teats and toys upto the age of 3 so there is always something to play with (should I also offer strangers that knock the use of our nursery and toys and early next year free childcare from our nanny.) xx

yummy, despite my post above, maybe you should've helped her out on this one occasion? Then relations between you might've improved?

Don't be ridiculous. She needed your help and you know you have been unreasonable.

So you buy in the formula just in case someone else needs it? Hmmmm........ I think someone did.....

Yes, but it wasn't the right sort of person...

Do they park in P&C spaces without their children though?

facejacker I didn't want the situation you described.

OAM2009 my decision was not based on their class etc but the fact they are very rude to us in general. Them being short shouldn't have been an issue as it now seems it was for a third party.

xx