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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate the term 'full time mother'?

320 replies

MammaTJ · 04/06/2012 01:39

Seriously, this really gets my goat. I work. I have worked most of my childrens lives. I like the work I do and choose to work nights so I don't miss out on things like sports days etc, just miss out on sleep.
This does not make me a part time mother!! I never stop being a mum and putting my kids first for a second!
Also, their dad 'babysitting' while I work. Does that mean I babysit while he is at work?

OP posts:

felixstow84 · 07/06/2012 18:25

Good point Faye. My two are now at school so in theory I can go back. However, now pregnant with a third so back to square 1.
I know people argue it not about what you earn. Its family income. However, thats tosh really.
I am not going to pay more in childcare than I can earn. Doesn't make sense at all.
Ironically if I didn't have a partner it would be worthwhile returning to work as I would be able to claim child tax credits.

Ishoes · 07/06/2012 18:38

"lucky enough to stay at home"-theres your sahm bashing right there. I cant afford to go to work as childcare for 3 dcs would cost more than the salary I could bring in-dh salary is completely swallowed up by bills/mortage/food.

Luckily I mostly enjoy being a sahm and it certainly hasnt made me feel worthless in any way-quite the opposite in fact.

felixstow84 · 07/06/2012 18:49

Should have said financially worthwhile.

Imnotbatman · 07/06/2012 19:34

I have just been wondering if i am a "part time wife" when I am at work and just working under someone else's employ and therefore beholden to them during my work hours.

Original poster

MammaTJ · 07/06/2012 19:38

How is that bashing? Seriously? Telling someone they are lucky to be doing what they are doing is not bashing!
I have 3 children too. My friend has 5 children. We manage our lives to keep childcare costs to a minimum while working. We are also lucky. Ooo, did I just bash myself?

OP posts:

tinkerbel72 · 07/06/2012 19:46

It's only lucky if it's a free choice though. Many women are in a position where financially they can't afford to work and use good quality childcare.

Ormiriathomimus · 07/06/2012 19:47

I don't see how it's a criticism either. Is the word 'fortunate' a bit better than lucky? I know people object to the concept of luck on MN as it seems to imply that something just fell into your lap without any effort. But even if you were hugely well-organised financially and it was all down to clever forward-planning and previous sacrifices, I'd still say you were fortunate to be able to stay at home with young children - assuming you wanted to do so of course. I know that having to go back full-time after 12 and 14 , weeks respectively was very hard for me - especially the second time and I'd have loved to have the choice to give up work. Now I have 2 teenagers and a 9 yr old life is OK, but when they were all small it was horrible, so hard, logistically, physically and emotionally - I am as sure as I can be that it contributed to my PND and subsequent recurrent depression. I think that is what WOHM talk about when they say SAHM's are lucky. It isn't a criticism at all.

TangerinePuppet · 07/06/2012 19:53

We can't afford childcare. DP earns minimum wage.

We work around it by my working evenings after DP gets home.

I am tired beyond belief.

There is no way on this earth we could afford to exist at even a basic level on DP's salary, so I HAVE TO WORK.

That's what people mean by fortunate. If you can get by on the one salary you are doing OK imo.

Ishoes · 07/06/2012 20:03

I can get by one one salary because we live in an ex council house on a mediocre estate,drive a shit car and never go on holiday. All the people who I know where they both work live in 4/5 bedroom houses,have 2 cars and go on hols a couple of times a year-so they need two incomes to maintain a certain lifestyle.

I appreciate if you are in a menial or very low paid job then that it not the case but worth while pointing out the one persons "need" is another persons luxury.

I appreciate the honesty of women who admit they couldnt be sahm as its not for them.

TangerinePuppet · 07/06/2012 20:04

We live in an ex council terrace, have no car and have NEVER been on holiday as a couple in 20 years.

Ormiriathomimus · 07/06/2012 20:09

Not us Ishoes. Well, OK we have the nice house now but that's only been in the last 2 years. Still don't go abroad and have never had a new, or even newish car.DH took a long time to find his career and is only now (at 50) earning as much as I do. It might have been feasible for him to give up work when our kids were small but never for me to - and he didn't want to.

TangerinePuppet · 07/06/2012 20:13

What I'm saying is that us very low earners HAVE to work. There is no choice at all and due to the prohibitive cost of childcare that means evenings and/or nights.

Many SAHM's can't even imagine being in that position

Honestly, you ARE lucky!

TangerinePuppet · 07/06/2012 20:16

Sorry, sounds a bit 'woe is me'

jellybeans · 07/06/2012 21:02

I do feel lucky to SAH but I did work f/t with first child before realising what I wanted. At one point had to for the money but other point just never thought of SAH. I was aiming for bigger house, 2 cars etc. and for better things in life-holidays etc. However I SAH after DD2 (DD1 hated childcare f/t) and love it but it isn't all mere luck. We only ever based costs on one wage, started with nothing (teenagers) so things only got better, DH got a better paid job (paid more than we both earned previously) but the new job although only 37-39 hrs is very odd shifts and changes alot. So if I did want to go back it limits that with childcare etc, I couldn't work around him as have done in the past. But as I want to SAH it doesn't bother me. It is a shame if people want to SAH but can't and also if they want to work but can't.

morethanpotatoprints · 07/06/2012 22:39

TangerinePuppet. I am not being difficult as hell I know what its like as dh is low income, I didn't/ don't work irrespective of finances because I don't personally like childcare. Only my opinion and everybody entitled to theirs. Dh works unsociable hours so one of us needed/needs to be at home. I think I am lucky to be a sahm.

luisgarcia · 09/06/2012 00:08

I've been reading the thread in 5 minute snatches for a couple of days, but I gave up when it got into competitive klingon. It was pretty depressing well before then though.

Re OP, yabu imo. You don't get to define how other people self identify.

ftr, I am a sahd, I don't refer to dw as a part time mum, she is dc's mum regardless of what I do. However, I do most of the parenting. I am lucky to get 4 hours sleep per day right now so there is simply no way anyone could hold down a ft job and do what I do as well.

Referring to myself as a full time dad is both a coping strategy for me and does precisely nothing to my opinion of dads who work part or full time. They are still dads, contributing however they can to their family.

felixstow84 · 09/06/2012 07:55

Great post Luis

FootballFriendSays · 09/06/2012 09:13

People can identify how they want, I think OP is still allowed to be annoyed. Maybe she's changed her mind now, maybe not.

scottishmummy · 09/06/2012 20:54

op can get to discuss or self define as you call it,all she wants. doesnt mean one has to agree or disagree. but not liking the question...well its subjective
we the participants discuss and respond

luisgarcia · 09/06/2012 22:09

Well, I didn't use the phrase self define, and nothing I said is synonymous with "cannot discuss" so....

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