Co-sleeping what the big deal?

[teaaddict2012]

excluding you're not drunk of course,

I am actually quite interested I hear snippets of that is quite controversial

was watching breakfast the other day about controlled crying and how one mother did controlled crying from birth nad her kids were never allowed in her bed I was quite [:o]

Why do a lot of people disagree with co-sleeping ?

My co-sleeping is becoming an issue now as my toddler is 2 but the size of a 4 year old. but other than that I'm actually relieved I didn't pace the floors.

AIBU to wonder why co-sleeping is a controversial issue.

'Don't know why it's an issue. Each to their own.
I was co-sleeping before it had a name.

'

Same here, HeathRobinson.

I agree with shakewhatyourmamagaveyou- and did the same. You can be just as intuitive, if not more, without being in the same bed.
However, there is nothing wrong in co sleeping if it suits you, but there is no reason why it should suit everyone or why it denotes a 'superior' parent.

exoticfruits, am I misremembering the past?
I don't remember this level of angst and stress being around twenty years ago when DD was small, the sheer number of shibboleths and the constant fear of being judged by others as inadequate.
My friends and I seem to have just bumbled along making the choices that suited us or that we had to make because of circumstances. I don't remember all this 'which guru?' stuff.

You are not misremembering it! In my NCT group we had what you would now call 'attachment parenting', we had all sorts-the difference was that they didn't parade it. They didn't have to stake their self image on it.
I put it all down to insecurity these days. They read the book, decide on a 'philosophy' and in order to feel secure they have to feel superior.
Books are all very well, if you read them and take the bits that suit you and your family. One size doesn't fit all and the one thing for sure is that your baby hasn't read the same books!
People seem to treat parenting like a career and as if they will have performance management interviews! There is the thought that if you do a, b and c-it will all turn out well. If only it were so simple!!

Children need unconditional love, security and time-how you provide it is unimportant.

That makes me feel less clueless!
I had Penelope Leach and Sheila Kitzinger's books and referred to them, but mixed that up with advice from other parents, including mine and what I though might and did work.
I suppose the fact I didn't have a computer until DD was about 8 helped.

eh, then the 'cool' way to parent was 'continuum parenting'. Every gen has had its new way.

We must be the same era-they were my books too!

I had Libby Purves ' How not to be the perfect Mother'. I swear she got me through mild PND.

Penelope Leach made me feel like a bad Mother.

It is about a lack of confidence, security, fear of being judged, defensiveness etc that sets up this style A versus style B situation between parents.

I've read the Continuum Concept, Three in a Bed, Attachment Parenting and lots of other books of a similar ilk. My DH and I read a lot, we geek out on everything, it's just our way. I really, really enjoyed them - but DH and I were already into some of the lifestyle principles of going back to a more primal, instinctive approach to our lives. We're really into anthropological evolution, paelo dietary approaches and DH is a specialist trainer in barefoot running teaching marathon runners how not to injure themselves so we're already pretty close to be open to these ideas!

I don't think that the Continuum/AP are particularly trendy - when I talk about them, people laugh at me and say I am "alternative" or a hippy . When I read them, there was an overwhelming sense that it feels right to me. And those principles have come completely full circle - when I talk to my mum, and my grandmother about our planned approach, they just smile and say - well yes, good.

I don't agree at all in principle with controlled crying, nurseries, and separation in that that way - I fully agree with pretty much everything that threeleftfeet has posted. But I would never suggest it is the only "right" way, the only valid approach.

The only thing I would say about Gina Ford and what she represents is a lack of space for parents to listen to their instincts. There doesn't seem much room for that, which goes back to this warring between styles really being about a lack of confidence/fear of judgment.

I've been laughed at on these forums for saying I plan to carry my baby all the time, and when I'm not, my DH will. I would never laugh at or disparage anyone elses approach - particularly the things I privately really don't agree with. We've done our research, we've made our choices, we think they will provide our baby with the sense of confidence and security, those things feel right to us. Maybe on a practical basis they won't work - our baby will be an individual, with their own personality of their own. Who can say at this point! But I'm not about to criticise anyone else for their choices - I just wish I wasn't looked at with such horror, or laughed at, when I talk about sleeping together, carrying them in a sling etc.

I co-slept with all of mine. Loved having them close, not having to disturb everyone when they wanted a feed. I used pillows and a duvet, just only had the duvet pulled up to my waist so couldn't cover baby. I miss the cuddles now they're all in their own beds (not the kicking as they got a bit bigger mind ) they're 7, 5 and 2 and all sleep through the night. If they're feeling unsettled I'll snuggle in with them at bedtime until they go to sleep.

I don't see any reason why anyone would consider it controversial, it's what most of the world does with their children?! Putting a baby in a cot and expecting it to self settle is such a recent phenomena.

agree bettybat - people are quick to (strongly!) ridicule these 'hippy approaches' and in the same breath, claim these hippies look down on their own approaches and that's so unfair! ...it works both ways! continuum-stylie parenting is most definately not cool or trendy, it's all about sleeping in a cot, sleeping through the night at any cost and so on and so forth. Looking back, I feel like I was being set up by society for a BATTLE with my child! Thankfully, instinct took over once she was born.

www.analyticalarmadillo.co.uk/2012/05/ffs-uk-anti-bed-sharing-campaigns.html

thought this was pertinant to this thread, this is a great blog and she puts her point across well, the issue is some nhs posters that have picture of a baby with angel wiings and the tag line 'my mummy fell asleep..... on me'!! how fucking outrageous is that, then at the bottom in very small print it says about alcohol, drugs etc not being safe whilst co-sleeping but that really isnt the message the poster sends out. the blog gives a good review of co-sleeping risk, benefits etc, anyway its an interesting read and i thought it fitted in with this thread :)

I don't see why people think it's "superior". I use these terms and I don't consider it superior - it's just what works best for me/my family. It's an easier shorthand to use than explaining what you mean in a more long winded way.

Anyway, people can be "superior" about anything. It certainly feels that way when your way of doing things is the one being scoffed at.

Hopandskip thanks for your subsequent posts, they're v informative... Didn't mean to insult you re saying your other post was irresponsible but I was concerned implying baby would die if not cosleeping might encourage someone in a panic to make wrong decision for them or cosleep irresponsibly.

So... The whole breathing /CO2 thing... Surely baby goes to bed hours before mum (usually) so what happens then?

ivanapoo when mine were little ie under 6mths they slept downstairs in the evening with us, either being held or my dd slept in the carrycot on the pram in the sitting room, actually she slept in that in the evenings until 9mths! she loved it despite the fact that her feet poked out over the end! she was also swaddled and it meant if her dummy came out i could quickly stick it back in again without having to dash upstairs! :)

the advice is now to have them sleep in the same room as you even for daytime naps, due to sids but its just not practical at all, esp when you have more than one!

at that awareness poster, FiveMad. Thanks for the link.

i know reshape i am VERY tempted to send a strongly worded complaint tbh, its a vile poster!

I don't co-sleep for my own reasons. Those posters are truly horrific. Actually the first two made me feel a little bit sick.

I put them back in their cots when they were less than about 10 months as worried re SIDS. But after that all mine co-slept. Oldest were 6. They started in their own beds from about 4 though. Hasn't done them any harm and my oldest are teens. i think some people just try to push independence and dependency is seen as a bad thing. So attatchment parenting is dismissed. Lots of my friends co-sleep with their older toddlers.

The posters are awful, imagine if you'd had a cot death in the family.

The naps thing is true - technically they should be in the same room as you, but not many people know this.

Haven't read all the posts and co slept with my three year old until last year and now my three month old. I do it because we all sleep better and breast feeding is much easier.

So... The whole breathing /CO2 thing... Surely baby goes to bed hours before mum (usually) so what happens then?

Haha not my youngest, only way he was ever going to sleep at all for at least the first year was to be in constant (skin to skin) touch with one of the select group of people he deemed appropriate. He slept a lot in a sling while we sat and watched tv in the evening or sometimes he would sleep in a bouncy chair if someone put their hand on his face or belly. It was pretty exhausting because I am not a touchy person at all.

The drinking alcohol thing, unless you are passed out cold and can't be roused I don't think is as important once your child can crawl and shout and pinch. I really don't think a single glass of wine is going to stop an eighteen month old making you move. Mine was very skillful at getting both of us to the edge of the bed at the same time, I didn't test my theory but I think it is less of an issue as your kids get older.