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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Co-sleeping what the big deal?

206 replies

teaaddict2012 · 28/05/2012 09:33

excluding you're not drunk of course,

I am actually quite interested I hear snippets of that is quite controversial

was watching breakfast the other day about controlled crying and how one mother did controlled crying from birth nad her kids were never allowed in her bed I was quite [:o]

Why do a lot of people disagree with co-sleeping ?

My co-sleeping is becoming an issue now as my toddler is 2 but the size of a 4 year old. but other than that I'm actually relieved I didn't pace the floors.

AIBU to wonder why co-sleeping is a controversial issue.

OP posts:
RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 29/05/2012 14:34

ha ha- it was specifically you I was thinking of with your "5 in 11 years" - probably says something about me that my first thought was "yikes! 13 yrs with no booze!!" Thx for clarifying........Grin

MamaMaiasaura · 29/05/2012 14:41

sirsugar with ds2 I was told he'd never eat properly by nursery nurse as I did blw.

No idea what fuss is, could it be because wen the trite "rod for your own backs" blah blah gets spouted, some parents will speak up and highlight benefits, rather than socially pressured to keep schtum

Frakiosaurus · 29/05/2012 15:18

If I have a glass of wine with dinner it's out the system by the time I go to bed. If DH has been out/at a work do where there's been alcohol then he sleeps on the sofa.

Hopandaskip · 29/05/2012 15:41

I'm not entirely sure why it is irresponsible to say what I did :::::scratches head:::::

I've done it both ways, my older son did not cosleep well. Fingers in ears, wiggly, no one got any sleep. So into a Moses basket next to the bed he went, then in the corner of the room and then into his own room. We all slept best there. The younger one however could not cope with sleeping in a separate bed. Would scream big gasping sobbing screams if you tried, then throw up and take Half an hour to calm down, there was no way it was going to happen.

I did feel much more aware of my baby with him in bed next to me. I think I was somehow aware when his breathing wasn't right. Premmies are apparently more likely to forgot to breathe.

Both ways worked well for each kid so I'm not particularly pro either way.

As for wine, I hardly drink anyway, when I did it was very little because I was breast feeding. I do like alcohol it just isn't really my habit to drink it. if I did have something to drink most probably ds slept with dh. When he was older he would sleep with his brother from time to time.

CrunchyFrog · 29/05/2012 16:21

Yes, I drink, but not to drunkenness. I save that for when the kids are with XH Grin

From DD's birth until DS2 was about 2, I very rarely drank, as I was BF! so that was about 6 years.

TalHotBlond · 29/05/2012 18:04

I mainly co-sleep but do love a night out. Those nights are cot nights. Grin

AllYoursBabooshka · 29/05/2012 18:13

Trust me when you have been co sleeping for as long as I have it wouldn't matter if you were sober or 10 sheets to the wind, You still sleep in the exact nook-position as always (one bum cheek off the bed with DSs feet over my legs in my case). :o

Not that I would ever be 10 sheets to the wind! Maybe four sheets.

exoticfruits · 29/05/2012 18:22

I can't see why it is an issue-if it suits you then do it. It didn't suit me so I didn't. Your DC won't care less which you did, in years to come! It has no bearing on your future relationship.

earthpixie · 29/05/2012 18:25

DS slept with us until about 16 months, when he went into his own bed and was absolutely fine. He's a great sleeper now.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 29/05/2012 18:29

I haven't read the thread.

I did not co-sleep because I could not sleep with a baby in the bed.

I think some (probably only a few - I've met some) do it to create distance between themselves an their spouses. I think most do it out of expediency (no problem with that).

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 29/05/2012 19:59

Both my ds and dd come through every night and get into bed with us, they are 7 and 3. We bought a super king bed :) we've just got used to it and tbh waking up together and seeing them all sleepy with their behead hair is one of the best parts of every day. Our little boy was a very poorly babe and has mild cerebral palsy, I think this affected everything for us as parents. I know for a fact some friends of mine think I am a soft touch with the sleeping thing but to be honest I couldn't care less :) Saturday mornings are the best, tea and toast in bed.

PanickingIdiot · 29/05/2012 20:05

Excuse the stupid question (I don't have children) but I'm curious: what do people mean when they say they have taught their kids to fall asleep/settle themselves on their own?

GnocchiNineDoors · 29/05/2012 20:09

It means they have not used rocking, shushing, dummies, white noise, etc as a tool to put their DC to sleep. It's usually done by putting the baby down awake but sleepy and letting them just drift off. Some babies take to it, some don't.

PanickingIdiot · 29/05/2012 20:14

Ah, OK. So it's a combination of a bit of common sense and being lucky enough to have a baby that takes to it. Thanks.

GnocchiNineDoors · 29/05/2012 20:17

And a strong willed parent who can't bear to envisgae herself having to sit completely still in a silent dark bedroom holding her DD for three hours while she has her lunchtime name (cough, SIL)

Grin
theonewiththenoisychild · 29/05/2012 20:28

Hcp's advise not to co sleep my dad gave me the best piece of advice when dd had colic and that was to co sleep with dd on my chest said the heat would get her to sleep. It did and i actually got some sleep that night

BigBoPeep · 29/05/2012 21:13

there is massive pressure to get them sleeping through the night on their own, in a cot, asap in my experience, and sadly my mum is at the forefront of this campaign! I was born in the days when you were taken off your mum and put in a nursery - my mum was unconscious for 24hrs after my birth, and I spent 2wks in the nursery 'crying-it-out' with mum only coming to feed me every 4hrs, 10mins each side. I then slept on my own in my own room absolutely religiously, and slept through from 7wks. I was weaned onto cow's milk at 4months.

None of this ruined me and I have a great bond with my mum, so I know it can 'work'. Mum is eager for me to follow suit, especially with the sleeping through/alone thing, anything else = big taboo. dire warnings about rod for own back etc.

When mine was born I spent a few hellish nights attempting to get her to sleep anywhere but on me and failed, and suddenly it dawned on me - 'duh, co sleeping is actually the norm and cots are new!'. Since then I've had great sleep!

...I still feel I have to make up the moses basket and pretend she sleeps in there when mum visits though...

threeleftfeet · 29/05/2012 21:30

"Ah, OK. So it's a combination of a bit of common sense and being lucky enough to have a baby that takes to it. Thanks."

Sometimes those with babies that just sleep when you put them down (not me) like to helpfully tell people with babies who simply won't (that'll be me) - "why don't you just put your DS down to sleep, instead of breastfeeding / rocking / driving around for ages in the car / whatever?" Oh, thanks, I hadn't really hadn't thought of that! Hmm

I got this from a couple of meaning friends and also MIL. Really infuriating!

lovebunny · 29/05/2012 21:37

it was co-family sleeping or 'the family bed' in the 1980s. we did it.

Scheherezade · 29/05/2012 23:39

I could just never manage to do it down to the logistics of duvets/blankets/pillows. we live in the country, in a 400 year old cottage so it gets vvv.cold in winter in the house! DS was born late September, and there was no way I could keep us both warm- I needed to be under about 5 layers plus thick wooly pjs, and he needed to be wrapped up warm.

Scheherezade · 29/05/2012 23:43

(I.e. we get ice on the inside of the house after a cold/snowy night). I have to pull the duvet & blankets right up or even over my head to keep warm, which just isn't safe with a baby.

At 6m he went into his own room as an experiment to see what difference it would make, as previously he was waking to feed every 2hours. He slept through for the first time ever, was a happier baby in the day for the extra sleep, and we've not looked back.

ShakeWhatYourMamaGaveYou · 30/05/2012 01:01

As other posters have said, I find the term co-sleeping a bit pompous too. It is often used on this site to infer a superior, less 'selfish' parenting style. Whilst those who don't, can fall victim to the 'anti mother and baby' label. Or at least, don't share the same intuitive bond.

What a load of nonsense.

My 4 month old baby sleeps in a cot in a room that joins ours. Regardless of what time he wants to feed, I wake up without fail a 20 seconds or so before he does. He never cries, just gives out a little murmur, and I am in there within seconds to feed him. He goes straight back to sleep again in his cot.

We have a very close bond and are very in-tune with each other (same with my other 2 dc) despite sleeping technically in a separate room.

The mother-child, or in fact parent-child bond is very special and survives and thrives in conditions far worse than simply not 'co-sleeping'

threeleftfeet · 30/05/2012 01:19

The baby is meant to be in the same room as you so they can hear you as it helps regulate their breathing.

It's not enough for you to be waking up and attending when s/he makes a noise, this doesn't mitigate that particular SIDS risk.

I didn't realise this myself when DS was little.

Hopandaskip · 30/05/2012 03:40

Apparently it is the CO2 from your breath too, so you need to be close enough for that. There are other benefits they have found too.

Obviously though, there are plenty of babies that do just fine (including one of mine) in their own room or cot in your room. If anything I would say that my older son did a lot better once he was in his own room.

I'm not sure why some think that the term is pompous. It sounds a lot like the other jargon we have here in the states.

ShakeWhatYourMamaGaveYou · 30/05/2012 03:59

threeleftfeet no I wasn't disputing that benefits are so that babies can hear the mother not the other way round, same goes for the co2 exhalation. I have heard this research and understand it.

There were posters here saying that because they co-sleep, they are very intuitive towards their baby's needs: waking before they vomit etc.

I was merely explaining that you don't need to co-sleep to have an
intuitive bond with your baby- or in my case even be in the same
room. And my point being I don't hear my baby, I wake before
he does.

All the risk factors for SIDS are a huge concern for me but some are more established than others e.g smoking. You weigh up the risks and make a decision that you feel is best for your family.

Re pompous, I have nothing against co-sleeping and have done on occasion myself with all of my dc, I just find that the fact its been given a name as one previous poster put it, sounds a bit "up it's own
arse"