to ask if you smack your children?

[toofattorun]

I am not talking beating! Just a smack on the hand or bum when they are being very rude or naughty.

Smacking to deal with any behaviour is wrong IMO. I am hiding thread as tese never end. But you cannot tell a child not to hit if you do it full stop.

"If you are smacking 'consistently' for the same 'bunch' of things it is obviously not working"

think you are mistaking consistent, for constant!

being consistant re smacking is exactly the same as being consistant re any other form of discipline - it means always having the same boundaries!

it also means being consistant in HOW you smack, i.e. a short sharp "shock" rather than a painful whack, and how many warnings before etc etc - again, same as consistancy for ANY OTHER form of discipline so you're above statement doesn't make an arguement against smacking, it is an arguement against discipline

I know the difference thanks thread now def hidden

This thread is like a car crash that I just can't stop looking at.

"The main thrust of the pro smackers is that its a quicker, more effective tool of discipline" so smacking is the lazy option then? There are plenty of other options, all of which show respect for the child and the child's emotions. Smacking raises such conflict of opinion because most people see it as a disrespectful thing to do to your child - treat others as you wish to be treated and all that.

Its making me want to smack myself.

Once each. Per child. They are too big to smack now and I have to resort to other things. Combination of threats and bribery. At least I'll have given them something to have a neurosis about in later life.

Yes I've smacked. I'd rather that than have him sitting crying on a 'naughty' chair or sent to bed away from me or excluded from outings and groups etc. It's over and done with quickly, it works. He's happy, I'm happy and we have a fantastic relationship. The only time I would reconsider my methods of disipline would be if they didn't work or if I thought he was negatively affected by it - hence quickly stopping the use of any excluding and humiliation techniques.

Of course this is not the only technique used and only used for more serious things. We talk a lot, I have explained things to him since he was a baby, I've always been watchful of his behaviour to jump in and explain how to interact appropriately before anything gets to the point where it's out of control. I've made up no end of songs to teach him things as these seem to stick better than just nagging (such as a sharing song and playing nicely song).

I personally think my parenting is fine. Everyone has their own way. I have a well behaved, laid back, happy, confident and bright child who is loved, has lots of attention, is well stimulated and has no problems whatsoever. That's not to say that the children of those who parents who don't smack aren't the same - they might very well be. But my way works for us (as it probably does for them) and so each to their own is all I say. The time you have to re-examine your techniques is when your children aren't well behaved and cause problems for others in society or if your actions are affecting them in a major way and they're unhappy. Otherwise - lets all just get on with what we're doing and stop scrutinising other parents who are mostly just doing their best.

Been sorely tempted but no, I've never smacked them. Feels like I've lost control if I did.

I've been involved in a few of these threads and what becomes clear to me every time is that there are some parents who want to smack their children. They are aware there are other methods that don't involve any humiliation, fear, physical pain or violence but they just don't want to use them.

I wonder how the pro smackers will justify that comment CailinDana?! :
We don't want to but they make us do it?
Of course we don't want to smack our children, we are teaching them to behave appropriately??

It seems like they label their kids as needing a smack/needing to be disciplined and seeing the negative behaviour rather than appreciating their children as they are - children - and encouraging the behaviour they want to see.

WhiteWidow Fri 25-May-12 21:09:51
"Just as much as there is now? I doubt that very much. People had more morals, respected their elders more."

My contemporaries (so people in their late 40s/50s) say exactly the same thing about their childhood in Sweden.

The only difference is that smacking was already frowned upon then in our childhood. In other words, these people are not comparing a smacking era with a non-smacking era. They are, as middle-aged people have always done, comparing an era when they felt they gave older people quite enough respect to an era where they do not feel younger people give them as much respect as they deserve.

WhiteWidow did you know that "nostalgia" was considered a medical condition in the 17th century? It's a well-known, well documented phenomenon where people of one generation believe that their generation or the previous one were "better" had "better values" "more respect" etc. Violence is usually justified in nostalgia, especially violence within families.

This article on the subject might interest you.

Basically the idea that previous generations were better is bullshit. Every generation has its problems and claiming that the generation where women were basically owned by their husbands and were fair game for rape and violence once a wedding ring was on their finger was "better" shows a worrying lack of perspective IMO.

I have never seen a controlled smack either. It sounds good in principle but does that actually ever happen?

My dh smacked dd twice when she was young, both out of anger. Once he left a red mark on her bum. I was so angry and upset!

He's not done it again (5 years on).

I just don't see the need or the logic.

I believe smacking has it's place. I would rather a short, sharp smack after being warned, that is over and done with than than telling my children they are having no treats, their toys taken away, no party etc especially at a younger age.

I don't expect everyone to agree with me, everyone has their own ways and means of doing everything, why should parenting/discipline be any different?

The thing with physical discipline is it HAS to be done with a warning and as a last resort.

the worst thing about people who are 'smacky' is actually its quite lazy I'm talking about people who don't give any warning just 'WHACK' what is that going to teach anybody.

And also children who are disciplined that way loose the 'violence is shocking' boundary and are general take less provocation to get aggressive. So as much as it may work in the short term It does cause problems later on.

The whole thing about not-smacking is that we don't smack because we agree (or should agree) that violence is shocking. We don't want to cross that boundary.

But where do we stand on shouting at children? Verbal violence and aggression is just as poor as smacking if you stand back and look at the issues rationally. How often have we all cringed at some shouty and frankly poor parenting in supermarkets?

If you were to start a thread asking how many parents have shouted at their children, you'd have a completely unanimous set of responses, wouldn't you? We've all shouted at our children. Doesn't make it right though. And it's a bit of a double standard as well. Physical violence = bad, verbal violence = okay.

"Of course we don't want to smack our children, we are teaching them to behave appropriately".

With SMACKING. Is this a joke?

If you think you are teaching them to behave appropriately by doing something that you would never, ever consider appropriate for them to do to another child, i.e. by behaving inappropriately yourself, I think you need to re-evaluate what you think teaching is and how it works. I've no doubt that smacking 'works' as way of stopping the child doing whatever it is you don't want them to do. But you're not thinking straight if you think that behaving in a way that you deem inappropriate for them is teaching them to behave appropriately. I'm doing you the huge favour of assuming, of course, that you never allow your children to smack others.

I never once shouted as a teacher. And so far I haven't shouted at my son. I shouted a couple of times at other people (parents, DH) and it made me feel like a raving loony and I think it's totally self defeating in that as soon as you start shouting everyone just switches off from you, children included. If you're trying to get a point across shouting is not a good way to do it.

In my book, shouting is just as bad as smacking. It is aggressive behaviour that is not suitable to use around children who are vulnerable and dependent on you. That said, I can totally understand why people shout now and again, it's human nature. But I do think if you shout a lot then you've lost the upper hand as a parent and you need to stop and try to find a more sensible way of going about teaching your children.

Just to add, if a child is running out on the road and you shout that's a totally different thing, that's a strategy to avert disaster and it would be a bit mental of you not to shout.

Those are the few times when I have shouted at mine, when they were in imminent danger and because I would never normally shout it stopped them in their tracks every time so job done.

Caillin - genuine question. How do you parent without shouting? I shout at least once a day. Not shrieking, aggressive shouting, but 'Oh for goodness sake will you two STOP FIGHTING' type stuff! Where do you put your frustration and fury when they are pushing your buttons?

You stop yourself, at the point that you're about to shout you take a deep breath and stop yourself.

I used to shout but hated it especially when I heard my DCs shouting at each other - where had they learnt it from - me so now I take a deep breath and stop myself except when I need to shout to stop something dangerous happening but I would shout at an adult in that situation too!

'I don't expect everyone to agree with me, everyone has their own ways and means of doing everything, why should parenting/discipline be any different?'

Er, well, there are lines most of us draw. There are families where the 'ways and means of doing everything' are quite horrific. And which we all condemn. So no, I don't think it's a matter of 'each to their own'.

Even people who smack draw lines mothertinferior

This thread 'smacks' (haha) of people being quite superior because they don't smack or shout and look down on those that do. Good on you, but us mere mortals sometimes need to shout or smack. Yes I do sometimes think I am a useless parent, but not because of my childrens behaviour or how I discipline them. I can assure you my children are not scared of me.

Having grown up being beaten, I am perfectly aware of the difference between a smack on the bum for serious or dangerous behaviour and getting a hiding for knocking over mum's coffee/ashtray/newspaper.

But please, throw us all into the same catagory.