to ask if you smack your children?

[toofattorun]

I am not talking beating! Just a smack on the hand or bum when they are being very rude or naughty.

What you have to understand Larry is that your little 2.11 year old thinks you're absolutely fantastic. Don't hit him because he's trying out his little world. Guide him, teach him, correct him, but don't hit him.

BTW I agree with you about not moving the plant. But if you're going to keep the plant then it's up to you to teach your children how to deal with it, for as long as that takes. Having something that is clearly a draw for them and then hitting them for being interested in it isn't very kind really.

No, I have never smacked DS, but more because I used to get so angry at him at times when he was little, that I didn't know what would happen if I crossed that line. I would scream, shout and then go and kick some doors or beat up some cushions, usually in another room. Often it would take me hours to calm down. What can I say? The frustration of dealing with a toddler turned me into one at times!

I do sometimes tell him I feel like smacking him, which may be a case of over-sharing and taking honesty as the best policy too far. I am neither proud nor ashamed of this, I am quick tempered, highly strung, impatient and it's how I am.

Most of the time I am a good parent, but at times, I make mistakes and get things wrong. If I feel I have got it wrong, I apologise.

So although I don't choose smacking myself, I don't think it should be made illegal, as for some people it may be a quick, effective form of discipline.

I don't think it is at all odd to compare to hitting an adult. You are not allowed to hit anyone else except your own child. You are for ed to find other methods- why not apply it at home?
It would seem bizarre to me that I am expected to manage the behaviour of 30 DCs at school, some of which is very challenging, without smacking but I then go home and smack my 3 year old because they are 'naughty'.
I can then justify this in that it is my job to make them reasonable members of society.
I would question the fact that people are willing for grandparents to smack- certainly not MIL is my guess. I think that you ought to question the fact that everyone else has to reason with them but only you can smack.

No I don't smack mine. I'm a shouter, although I try not to do that anymore as the children think its funny . The most effective thing is for me to start counting to three and DD1 (2.8) then cooperates. (If I get to three she has to sit on the naughty step for 2 mins).

My mum never smacked us as kids, although I remember Dad giving my brother a wallop occasionally, but it was different then (80s). Ooo and my grandma used to give our ears a flick if we were naughty, that did hurt.

I have lost it and smacked my kids a couple of times. The result, I let the kids put me on the naughty step for hitting. I figured that if I did something that I would punish the children for doing then I should get the same punishment. Hopefully, they got the message that anyone who hits gets the same consequences.

They were generous and didn't make me do one minute for every year of my age. (I don't make the kids do 1 min for each year just long enough that everyone has calmed down).

Cailin,

Thanks for the ideas, I will def give them a try. Appreciate your constructive post. And, en passant, yes he has been smacked for it but not recently. Recently, it has more just been a discussion of why it has upset me...or, occasionally a time out. Nope, not v consistent and not ideal parenting but at 5:40 in the morning after about 4 hours sleep, with a 3 year old and an 18 month old, things are not always done according to the textbook.

By the way, all he needs to do is ask for a book to guarantee my attention. But I like the idea of involving him in watering it and looking after it (although, with it being a dragon plant, a lot of it will have to be faked :) )

Glad you found it helpful Larry. I know how stressful it can be dealing with small children all vying for your attention. Consistency really is the only way to go but it can be nigh on impossible when you're pulled in three directions at once.

Laz, I wasn't being facetious when I said move the plant btw.

Kids below the age of four are like mad things. It's much easier to cope if you remove all your adult stuff out of harm's way (to them and the stuff) until their brains calm down and become amenable to reason and negotiation at th e age of four. Four is like the magic number, if you have put in the ground work of calm reasonable and consistent parenting (as far as any human is able), they suddenly get all the can do this/can't do that stuff. And they start to grasp cause and effect, negotiation (bribery) and delayed gratification.

My toddler eats mud. The plant had to go.

Larry, do you ever play games with your 2 year old where you say things in a joking manner which aren't true? Like, for example, pretending you're going to eat his fingers, or letting him hide under the duvet and then saying loudly "Oh no, I wonder where DS has gone, oh well, what a comfy bed that looks, I must sit on it!", or pretending you think that his sock goes on his head to make him laugh when you're getting him dressed.

I think that sometimes although it seems obvious to us when a situation is joking/humorous and when it is serious, using different tone of voice, warnings etc, it can be hard for children to understand the difference and with these kind of things where they know they aren't supposed to do something but they do it anyway with a cheeky grin, that can be their attempt at imitating humour.

Other times, they just want to do it and their wanting to do it is stronger than their desire not to upset you. Impulse control is pretty low at this age.

I agree with the others who say remove him and/or show him how to treat the plant properly. Do you have a garden? If so perhaps a small place where he is allowed to dig and play in the mud would be appropriate.

Blackcurrants, I was going to ask if it was okay to physically chastise my 63yo aunt who was brain damaged at birth. I have quite a lot of say over her life and some little legal responsibility for her if that helps. She is vulnerable, non-verbal and doesn't understand reasoning. She can be very badly behaved if you want to describe it that way.

But I didn't want to be accused of wheeling my disabled aunt out in an emotional way.

I agree with exoticfruits although I'm sure he/she was disagreeing with me! I can see why parents do it, and understand how your driven to it.

The few occassions I have smacked DS, I have been at the end of my tether and warned him it will be a smack next - and no I don't agree I should have used that as a threat. But then if he chooses to carry on I do think it's fair to say he drove me too it. Despite not agreeing the threat is correct in the first place.

However - as the parent I can say I've apologised as I've reflected that perhaps he was feeling as out of control as I got and if he had smacked me even in those circumstances I would have gone mad.

I am able now to understand that his behaviour - especially when out of control which luckily is about once a year! - is usually a reflection of something he's feeling. I now remove him somewhere to calm down, listen to him and then explain a better way of communicating that anger.

I can tell you that the situations where I lost it (3 times) was because I knew I couldn't get out with him and as a new LP who was lonely I felt punished in a way. Yes I'm the adult, and yes now I just calmly say stop or we stay home, and I stick to it.

I lost my way for a year, but feel I am a better parent now for not smacking.

I've not because I'm not a parent.

Nothing wrong with a light smack though. My mum did it to me when I was naughty and I've turned out well

I can't help but watch the likes of super nanny and think its what those kids are short of

I do understand it- fully- it isn't easy being a parent!
I don't think that you can then justify it but just apologise and start again.

If you watch super nanny they weren't short of a smack- they were short of good parenting!

After reading some of the comments on here though..

You are NOT supposed to do it because you are annoyed, the child isn't a vessel to take your anger out on whether it's them that caused it or not. That's what a punchbag is for.

If you're going to do it is must be a last resort of discipline.

That's your opinion exotic fruits. I'm sure they'd soon stop if they knew a swift rap on the hands would happen.

Some kids just push and push their parents.

YY exotic that's it. I have reflected on why it happened with me. I don't agree it's right but know why it happened and have looked at ways of avoiding it happening again. So far for the past 3 years it's worked. My reflection is not justification - but trying to understand the situation IYSWIM? I think to move on you need to understand how and why it happened. Does that make sense?

Although ultimately I know it happened as I got angry and lost control or ran out of ideas on what to do next. Not really good enough reasons.

And this naughty step stuff, I've seen people have to do it again and again and again. Parents seem to have a soft touch now when it comes to discipline.

Better that than smacking time and time and time again.

I wouldn't do a naughty step either!

Whospickle - once was enough for me. I never ever was as naughty as I was that day. The threat of it was enough for me.

And I think of my Nans generation. They were nothing like people are now! And they weren't short of a smack if they were bad.

I do time out (guess it's naughty step equivilent?) ! Again not for about a year now. It's at the front door here!

I'm usually a fan of confiscation of something or cancelling a day out etc. I think these things hit DS the hardest and make him think more about how his bevaiuor affects others. EG I make it clear if I refuse to take him out it's because his behaviour is unacceptable and he's not ruining others days! However I don't ignore him all day if we stay in I concentrate on praising him for the good things he's doing or we just get stuck in a vicious negative circle.

Of course they were, there were criminals, vagabonds, murderers, thieves, liars and naughty little boys and girls.

Just as much there as now.

If smacking was so marvellous everyone of my generation would be positively saintly. But we are not!