to ask if you smack your children?

[toofattorun]

I am not talking beating! Just a smack on the hand or bum when they are being very rude or naughty.

choceyes, surely your life being a bit harder for a short while is much better than sticking with a discipline that you aren't even happy using? Especially with the knowledge that long term, it will work and that you can then use it rather than worry about your child living in fear of you?

My DH thinks it is ok to smack, I don't. He is well aware that if he ever hits our son then I will divorce him.

I was brought up in a foreign country where physical punishment in school was the norm. Once I was hit by the teacher so hard and repeatedly in front of the class that I weed myself.
I still remember that feeling of being so petrified and humiliated. Although extreme in my case, any child being hit will feel the EXACT same feelings.
I could never hit my children, no matter what they've done.

Your children love you and then you hurt them for being naughty...I don't understand that at all

I was smacked by my Dad. I held it against him for years and I think it created a barrier between us. I just knew even aged 10, there were better ways to sort things out.

I was "smacked" by my dad for years as well. I swore I would never ever hit my kids and have not done.. Until....... DS when he was younger decided that he would tell the school that his DF was taking him out for the day and would not be in school.

My ex was a violent twat who we had ran away from years before... Anyway, long story cut short the school rang me and said "Are you aware that your ex husband has picked up your son today?"

After a helicopter search of London, the local police force searching for DS, he was found playing football with one of his friends :(

Anyway, once the police had brought him back safe and sound, he then went to bed.
The next morning he was in the garden with his friend laughing about the fact that we had police and helicopters looking for him for x hours..

I went into the garden and said "xxx do you find it funny then" He replied "well yes"

I smacked him so hard he fell of the chair :( and not ashamed to admit it

Said.. "now that is fecking funny"

The only time ever I have hit one of my kids, have not done it since... However after searching for the little fecker for 10 hours I was at the end of my tether.. I do not agree with hitting kids by the way

I contributed to this thread much earlier on, saying that although I have smacked in the past it is not something I do often.

What I don't understand about some of the posts on here is that they don't seem to distinguish between smacking as a moderate punishment, on the back of the hand and abuse doled out by out of control parents.

Also, I think so many people seem to think that the relationship between parent and child is equal. It is not an equal relationship even in part. I wouldn't hit another adult, but on the other hand I would never give an adult £250k to improve their prospects in life or for that matter clean up his vomit and diarrhoea if he were ill.

No-one knows the effects that modern day parenting has on children so how can anyone assume that the parents of today are so much better than those of previous generations?

I also contributed much earlier on, saying I would never do it (although have shouted once or twice, and somehow think that can be worse).

But reading on, I'm torn...

While I could never bring myself to smack - and as a SAHM with two pre-schoolers 18 months apart, there are days they drive me to the limit - I was smacked occassionally as a child.

I don't remember being scared of my Mum at all. She never shouted at us - to be honest, I think that would have scared me. We had an idyllic childhood, knew without a shadow of doubt that we were loved and cherished. Had (my Mum passed away 9 years ago), and have a close, loving relationship with my parents into adulthood. My self-esteem is sky high and I've never had anything even bordering on a dodgy relationship with a man. All the men I've ever been with have been lovely. What's more, my brother and I were models of good behaviour, mostly instilled through lots of praise and positive reinforcement, love and guidance. Further, violence in any shape, form or manifestation is anathaema to me - I haven't effectively been taught that it is in any way a tactic to be used for anything, plus it is something I actively avoid in the form of entertainment. I could say all the same for my brother.

So how does that add up? Are we a complete aberration?

Again, I'm not about to start smacking my two, but I honestly wonder if that's as much to do with the fact that it's so unfashionable to do it, as anything. I mean, in all honesty, I fundamentally don't think I could actually hit them so, yes, it is as much an active choice not to on my part, but still...

I have zero problem with my parents methods at all, and think their way of raising us worked well. My brother and I have, by anyone's barometer, turned out very happy, very well-adjusted.

I also very much agree with nooby's final paragraph.

Not yet. My 27 month old sometimes smacks when he gets overexcited & I think it would give him the wrong message to say don't smack & then we do it to him. To be honest it's never crossed my mind to smack him when he's playing up.

NurseBernard, I don't believe moderate smacking turns a child violent. I haven't ever had that view. My view is that there are better ways to discipline a child besides hitting them, so why hit them?

I have done. (about 3 times in 7 years) Probably wouldn't again.

I don't necessarily agree with it and chose it as a parenting technique but there have been times DS has purposely driven me to the edge and I've used a smack.

I was smacked as a child and not emotionally scarred from it so don't believe he will be.

I agree with the poster who said the amount a child can wind you up and does is probably how adults start hitting each other. Again I'm not saying I agree with adults hitting - I don't - just being empathetic on how it could happen.

No- it is a sign of failure as a parent.

Saying you were driven to it etc is what most men say when asked about dv. She wound me up/ provoked etc. that is why it is wrong you are passing the blame for your own frustration to someone else ans teaching them that if you want someone to toe your line you hit them.

You are responsible for your own actions, it is ridiculous to say that a 3 year old 'made you do it'.

exoticfruits - that's a sweeping, unhelpful and IME utterly untrue statement.

I could have written Nurse Bernard's paragraph ("I don't remember being scared of my Mum at all... I could say all the same for my brother") almost word for word and I too was smacked a couple of times (I can remember them both) as a child.

I was warned that I was going to be smacked if the behaviour continued, I was given a quick slap on the bum when it didn't. Tbh I don't remember the smack hurting much - I certainly didn't feel any of the fear and helplessness that other posters have mentioned - what I really remember was my Mum crying afterwards and how bloody awful that made me feel. Those were the only times I ever saw her crying.

To the many posters on this thread who actually suffered painful physical abuse as children - you have my deepest sympathies, and well done (not meant in a patronising way at all) for breaking the cycle of abuse.

But those of us who were smacked in a very different way - for whatever people have said, the kind of smack I received is almost nothing alike an unexpected lash out, either physically or emotionally - would certainly agree that smacking does not necessarily constitute failure as a parent.

It does in my opinion. There are other ways- as the adult find them. You can't hit another adult so why just because they are too small to hit back? Just about everyone who smacks would be up in arms if the grandparent smacked or a other adult or another child. The message is they are mine therefore I can hit them and it is perfectly OK because I love them! Bizarre!

I can understand it - I have done it on the odd occasion when tired, I have however apologised and not justified. There is no justification.

No I haven't & wouldn't but DH has DS2 twice and although it's not something I'm happy with, both times it was due to serious behaviour (stepping into busy road & really hurting the cat!) it was done in an appropriate ie mild way and did have the desired affect as he's never done either again.
He knows it's not something I agree with but I certainly won't be divorcing him for a tap on the hand

Okay, I understand your reasoning, I just felt the way that you phrased it initially could have been taken as very hurtful.

Though I'm not sure that's true that everyone who smacked would be up in arms if a grandparent smacked - especially if the grandparent had smacked the parent as a child too.

What if a teacher smacked summer?

wannabemillionaire - I must say that in that one instance only I may well have done the same.

Yesterday I would have said never. Today I'd have to say yes :(

wannabemillionaire like Hully I would have been sorely tempted too in that situation. The one time dd "went missing" and switched off her phone was the one time that I didn't know whether to hug her or shake her when she turned up so definitely feel for you there.

I would never hit my or anyone else's child. I also do not use 'naughty steps' or anything else that is punitive/ controlling . I assume that my child is having difficulty communicating something if he is being 'naughty' or that what I've asked him to do seems totally unreasonable to him, even if he's come to that conclusion because he has woefully misinterpreted reality (e.g. that it is fine to run across a busy road). I try to contain him until he calms down and it is my view that if you can reach the child to proffer a smack, equally you can grab a pinching/slapping/ hand that is going in the fire/ about to make a dash for it. I frequently feel extremely cross that my child does not calmly and happily want to do the things I want him to do, or when he does something totally inappropriate to, for example, try to get my full attention. But that crossness is about a desire to control him, and even when objectively I am absolutely right (about the fire or the road or the unacceptable behaviour) I do not think it is appropriate to punish him for failing to understand, or not being emotionally mature enough to recognise that there are different ways of getting his needs met. 'A quick smack' may well diffuse the situation, but I think the principle lessons learned would be (a) not to do that in front of me and (b) if you are in charge, you have the right physically to enforce your will.