to ask if you smack your children?

[toofattorun]

I am not talking beating! Just a smack on the hand or bum when they are being very rude or naughty.

that should be too many parents.

I was really gobsmacked when friend of mine said to her friend "If [my DD] hits [your DD] more than four times then you're to send her home." WTAF??? Four times?? So the child was allowed to hit the other child four fucking times before there would be any consequence. Bonkers.

To add, the approach I take requires a lot of effort. I think that's why some parents don't use it. They let the situation get out of control by not being on the ball, and then are pushed into smacking because they have no other option. It's lazy IMO.

Nope never. My son drives me to the edge of sanity at times but I dont think smacking is the answer

Folkgirl, are those the kids that 'challenge social constructs' (like the law!) by smashing up other people's cars when they become teenagers :)

I think the whole pleading with children and letting them get away with murder is just as bad as smacking BTW. Children need their parents to control situations for them. Not guiding them in how to behave in social settings is a real parenting failure in my book.

Yes we used to. Only when young though and old enough to understand what no meant and deliberately playing up or doing something dangerous. They nearly always got a warning though of the "I'll count to 3 and if you haven't stopped it you get a smack" variety. It was rare to need to go beyond 2. It was just 1 smack.

Agree with Callin

I don't smack or do time outs or things like that. I wouldn't do what the buggy example talks about either. I'd probably have informed (not asked if it wasn't a question) my dd it was time to go. If nothing happened the first time I'd have gone right up to her to make sure that there was no way that she could possibly have not heard me the second time and gently told her again. But then I'd have just picked her up and put her in the sling/buggy.

I wouldn't give her lots of opportunities not to do it - there wouldn't be any punishment for not wanting to do it - there just wouldn't be the choice of not doing it as I'm the adult and have the experience to know what genuinely needs doing even if we don't feel like it. The flip side of that is I wouldn't use it if we didn't actually need to do something.

I'm pretty sure (round here at least) the kids who wander round unsupervised and get into trouble come from families where smacking is more likely to happen than not.

Exactly LeQueen. If you say something and don't follow through then the child gets a very clear message - if I don't listen to mummy it doesn't really matter, nothings going to happen. Discipline involves teaching children, not hurting them. The very first thing you have to teach them is that mummy is looking out for them at all times, in both good and bad situations. You'll be there to laugh with them and give them treats but you'll also be there to stop them if they're doing something wrong. That creates a sense of security. In that situation a child will push boundaries but will only need a sharp word to get back on track - it allows them to test things without much fear because they know you'll put them right quickly enough. If the threat of smacking is hanging over them then that introduces and element of uncertainty particularly if smacking is unpredictable. How horrible to be in a situation where you don't know the consequence - one day mummy might ignore, or tell you off, and another she might hit you. Not a pleasant situation for the child.

extremepie aye, could well be!!

LeQueen is spot on. It's the clear boundaries and no nonsense-ness that's the most effective.

And then you just have to hope that you've laid good enough foundations for it to last through the teenage years!

-To add, the approach I take requires a lot of effort. I think that's why some parents don't use it. They let the situation get out of control by not being on the ball, and then are pushed into smacking because they have no other option. It's lazy IMO-

So, IYO I ignore DS until the point where he is so out of control that I have no choice to smack him?

Never mind the fact that DS can go from completely chilled out and happy to a screaming lunatic in 2 seconds flat (ie, no 'build up' at all) for a variety of reasons, some of which I don't even know?

I'm such a useless, lazy parent for not being able to read DS's mind, interpret when he is about to kick off and take the necessary preventative action?

Your approach doesn't work with a child that doesn't understand what they are not supposed to do or why they shouldn't do it - it also doesn't work with a child who cannot interpret facial expressions or tones of voice.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I've smacked my dc, and after each time I felt terrible and knew it wasn't the right way to deal with things.

I've started consciously working on my the way I deal with stress and my anger levels which has really helped. I feel calmer, thus the kids seem to be calmer. They react in a more positive way when I'm not shouting and recently I've had no need to raise my voice, and certainly no need to smack. I hope to never raise a hand to my children again.

"No, i dont hit people - would be most odd to make an exception for little kids" Lowflyingbirds said this best

-Not guiding them in how to behave in social settings is a real parenting failure in my book-

Apparently I am a failure too, as DS has no clue how to behave in 90% of social settings.

I also agree with anastaisia. It's really important to limit the situations where a child can behave badly. Clearly if a child is behaving badly then something about the situation is going wrong. Part of your job as a parent is to ensure that the child is handling things and if they're not then there's no point in hurting them, you need to do something about it, either by teaching them how to handle the situation or by removing them from the situation. Smacking them is just completely pointless.

I'm assuming your child has autism extremepie? It is possible to teach children with autism how to behave in social situations, even if they're non-verbal, I've done it in the past as a teacher, but it requires a massive amount of effort. Your child deserves that effort even more than an NT one IMO as his "bad behaviour" is down to genuine lack of understanding rather than disobedience. He doesn't deserve to be hit just because he has a disability.

extremepie

Your child has additional needs and that is bound to make things far harder for all the reasons you say. That isn't laziness or a lack of effort, you probably have to make far more effort than most of us with children who don't have those issues (even when they're demanding or strong willed).

I would worry about using physical forms of discipline with a child with SEN or other disabilities though - as if that becomes the only thing that works how will you discipline as the child grows, especially if the problems are serious enough that they will always find social situations difficult. And how does it teach them methods to use themselves to express displeasure with the people in their lives as they grow up if they have issues with verbal communication and reading non-verbal cues.

However I'm not in your situation and wouldn't pretend to be able to fully understand how it is.

What really annoys me is that some parents seem to set their children up for failure. A child clearly can't interact well with other children - either they find it frightening or they get aggressive - and yet the parent brings them to toddler groups and expects them to run around with no guidance or assistance. The child either melts down or hurts another child and then the parent gets angry. It's a ridiculous situation - why put a child into a setting that doesn't suit them and then get angry when they can't handle it? Either don't put them in that setting in the first place or go around with the child until they have learned how to handle it. That is your bloody job as a bloody parent. Gah!

Well said Cailin, on every post.

I grew up in a violent household and from there went straight into a violent relationship because to me it seemed 'normal'. For years I supported the view that a bit of 'normal' smacking was fine, because a) My mother had fed me this line, along with the pretence that this was what she did (it wasn't, she was in the chipped teeth, dragging me round by my hair, sick-notes-for-PE-to-hide-the-bruises, category) and b) If some smacking was acceptable it made my mother's behaviour seem less extreme to me in comparison.

However now I have finally gained the ability to judge my upbringing objectively, smacking children seems bizarre. What other things that are crimes in an extreme form are deemed ok in small doses (or when inficted on one's children)?

To me it seems part and parcel of viewing one's child primarily as one's property, and all the lack of respect, privacy and autonomy that that entails. Not a healthy parenting style, to me.

When you are consistent and fair and you do what you say (as leq) then you really don't need to smack

Of course he doesn't, I wouldn't suggest that he does!

I know it takes a huge amount of effort, it takes a huge amount of effort to teach him just about anything and I am willing to make that effort because he's my son and I love him.

I don't smack him all the time, for minor things, only when not doing so would result in him coming to harm. You should know, having taught children with autism before, how long a process teaching them can be - it doesn't happen overnight so what do you do in the meantime? I don't mean that to sound defensive, it's a genuine question?

I know that the vast majority of the time his 'bad behaviour' is just him struggling to handle a situation or struggling to communicate - I know he isn't being naughty on purpose (although not all spectators do).

It is difficult to limit the situations where he can behave badly if you can't predict what is going to 'set him off', or if his reactions are not consistant. What if the situation is unavoidable?

Basically, parenting any child is difficult and most parents try to do their best for their children, trying to make people feel guilty because they don't do what you do is not helpful. I resent your implications that if you 'resort' to smacking then you are lazy, a failure and a bad parent. Attitudes like that are not helpful.

I said I would welcome tips on discipline, if you have experience of teaching SN children, why haven't you actually offered any helpful advice, instead of critisising how I parent my child (and by extension, anyone else who doesn't parent the way you do).