to ask if you smack your children?

[toofattorun]

I am not talking beating! Just a smack on the hand or bum when they are being very rude or naughty.

no

twice for a 3 year old

Once when she had a bulldog grip of a bite on my arm. The red mark on her bottom was gone inside ten mintes, my bruise lasted a week. She hasn't bitten anyone since.

Once when she ran out in front of on oncoming car, the smack didn't upset her much at all, the tears only came with me leaving her with a her dad for half an hour while i recovered my own senses and ignored her. She's very careful around cars and roads to the point that i could (but probably won't) let my guard down. i don't justify the smack but my DD is still alive, she very nearly wasn't and in that minute she very nearly wasn't i don't give a flying fuck how good my parenting wasn't.

All i know is that for my DD, any threat of being left alone to think, even in a room full of toys for no more than 3 minutes brings tears so fast that a smack is irrelevant. It does make me wonder if i'm instilling a fear of abandonment for non-conformity

A few times when dd was really pushing the boundaries, the last time however was about 3 years ago, I knew I'd lost my temper and it scared me so much have never done it since! She had slapped me across the face and I smacked her of the back of her leg she was about 3.6yrs. I was nearly sick with guilt and would like to think I would never do it again.

Not sure I entirely grasp the "wouldn't do it to an adult so I won't do it my child" argument... would you make an adult sit on the naughty step or in a "thinking corner"?

As has been said before MooBaa, it's not an either/or choice. The "naughty step" can be just as bad as smacking when used inappropriately IMO.

I have a choice whether my child grows up with or without a fear of being hit by me. I choose for him to grow up without that fear.

No I wouldn't make an adult sit on a naughty step or thinking corner cinnamonnut, but I would expect the other adult to remove themselves from a fraught situation before it came to blows. Removing a child from a difficult situation teaches them that you walk away and calm down, which is an important life lesson IMO. Smacking teaches nothing.

With my older two, when they were younger I did smack. I was very depressed in a rubbish marriage and didn't cope well with them. However I got my act together, kicked out stbxh and nearly a year on have never smacked any of my 4dc. I use 3,2,1 and naughty step for the younger two and removal of privileges for older two but in all honesty I rarely have to discipline. My 4dc are all for the most very well behaved children and I am a very different person to the one I was when so depressed in my marriage. I still get stressed and can raise my voice at times (four under the age of eight can be hard going sometimes) but smacking is not an option I would use now or in the future.

I don't use a naughty step or time out either

When I was growing up I was smacked. It didn't really bother me. I remember what did though. My dad would refuse to talk to me. For hours. I would beg him and apologise until he would finally speak to me. A smack was nothing compared to that.

Fate that's a horrible way to treat anybody, especially your own child. I don't think anyone would advocate that in favour of smacking.

I notice that most parents who do smack say they do so "rarely." If it's an effective method of discipline that "does no harm" why not use it regularly?

I smacked DS1's arm once when he'd just grabbed a huge handful of his baby brother's hair, yanked his head back and smacked it on the floor. I can't actually say I thought before I did it; it was a completely reflex action and I'm not proud of that at all.

I remember being smacked and I knew I'd really overstepped the mark. It was always my dad who smacked me, never my mum and it really, really hurt. While it hasn't messed me up I wouldn't want to use it as there are better ways.

I can't out confront my DSs. If I shout, they shout louder. The only thing that works is the thinking step and, most importantly, the talk we have afterwards.

This has made me think about how I actually discipline dd. I just have a tone of voice and a look on my face that she knows means I'm cross or unhappy. They come out when asking her to do/not do something has not worked

Cailin - I would imagine its because those that do say that, smack only for very serious things, that happen rarely as opposed to smacking for the little things that happen more often where other forms of discipline work just as well.

From my own experience when I did smack, it was never for anything but a loss of control of a situation. There was nothing premeditated about it. Looking back I am ashamed that I did smack my older two when with my younger two, I manage discipline for the same sort of things in a non violent way. The only reason I don't beat myself up is because I know I wasn't myself back then, living with a stoner and drinker that regularly undermined me, encouraged a close bond with my dd's and excluded me where possible. He would never correct their behaviour but would expect me to.

Since we split, I have become for the most a much happier, calmer person and without his undermining and inconsistencies, the children and I have worked out ways to handle discipline that doesn't include smacking. There just isn't a need then, or now.

Yes I do when other measures such as telling off and taking things away haven't worked and yes it does generally work.

To all those saying its not ok to teach your child to hit / smack - what a load of twaddle! I was smacked as a child and it never taught me that hitting was ok in-fact I was taught that it wasn't. Never did me any harm and in fact I was always far more respectful of my Dad who did smack than I ever was towards my Mum who didn't because I knew the consequences if I overstepped the mark with him or did something I had been told not to do. I think half the problem with youngsters and rising anti-social behaviour these days is that children are becoming far too mollycoddled and there is not enough discipline or harsh punishment.

As for reporting it as someone mentioned earlier, SS are not anti smacking and smacking is not a crime so why would you waste their time.

I find it quite telling that a few of those who defend smacking have said "It's better than being ignored/it's better than psychological damage." If you have to compare it to emotional abuse to justify it, surely you can see something wrong there? There are far far better methods than smacking, so if you choose it, you've chosen not to try harder for your child.

The argument with regards to the naughty step, withdrawal of affection etc, many have already said that they do not use this form of discipline. Nor smacking. And pointed out there are other forms of discipline, and that is isn't neither or one of the above mentioned forms.

Those who seem to be hell bent on repeating that "the naughty step is worse than smacking", a lot do agree. But that isn't the point. The OP asked who smacks, did they not? That is what most of us are replying to, and why we are only talking about smacking, because that is what the thread was started for. If she had asked "What is worse, a smack every now and then or the naughty step/withdrawal of affection?" then we would be mainly discussing that.

No, never. No-one has the right to lay a hand on another person.

I would love to know what the posters who feel that all disipline causes pyschological damage do when their DC's misbehave?
On this thread smacking, time out, shouting have all been ruled out.
I know that the threat of me being annoyed is sometimes enough for my DC but sometimes its not so then what?
I refuse point blank to do the whole.....
Please get into the buggy darling, Mummy needs to get to the shop
10minutes later
Oh darling you know that we need to get to the shop and you are making life hard for mummy, please get in the buggy etc etc

Well IME they redefine it as something different -

often "expressing themselves"; "exploring their environment"; "challenging social constructs".

I live in absolute fear of turning into my Father who used to batter me and my younger sister. My earliest memory is of being smacked several times for going into my baby sisters cot whilst she was sleeping, There are less than three years between us.

I have smacked my daughters hand once, more smacked it away as she was trying to pull the bottle from her brothers mouth and poked him in the eye.

She was inconsolable and I never want to see that look on my little girls face ever again. :(

I don't think smacking works.

And then they don't to do anything.

I don't think any poster has said they think all discipline is psychologically damaging, have they?

With my DS, I say what I want him to do, if he doesn't listen I say it again and move closer to indicate I'm going to intervene, and he usually does what I say then. The reason he listens (even if it takes two goes) is because he knows I never say things without meaning them. I see to many parents saying something feebly, but not really getting involved, the child thinks they can get away with carrying it on, the parent gets riled up, and the situation gets out of control. The parent is the adult, they are in control of the situation and have to give that message at all times. That doesn't really require out and out discipline it just means that you expect what you say to be listened to, and if the child doesn't listen then you'll remove the toy/take them out of the area/turn off the tv/whatever. Right from day one the child has to learn that there's no point in ignoring you because when you say something you mean it.