to ask if you smack your children?

[toofattorun]

I am not talking beating! Just a smack on the hand or bum when they are being very rude or naughty.

Never on purpose IYSWIM. I'm lucky that DD is, in general, a good kid. She has her moments, and can really push my buttons, but I deal with as calmly as possible.

I have a terrible temper - I'm a real screamer and shouter, just like my mum. I made a conscious decision NOT to be the same with DD so when I feel my anger bubbling up I walk away. I tell DD the truth, that she has pushed me too far and that I don't want to smack her, so am walking away. I tend to lock myself in the loo for a few minutes - although have been known to stay there for half an hour. I actually keep my iPod in there so I can plug myself in and not hear her if she carries on.

I think it works because of the time I did hit her . I can't even say smack, as it really was a hit. She was about 4, was being a complete pain in the arse, was whingy, whining and rude over something ridiculous. She had thrown stuff at me and smashed a mug on the floor on purpose. I went upstairs and sat on the bed to get away from her. She followed me and whilst my eyes were closed clobbered me across the head and ear with a hairbrush. I reacted instinctively and hit out, catching her across the back and arm. It was a hard hit, left a red mark that lasted for an hour or so. It hurt her and scared the crap out of me.

It has never happened again, but DD and I both remember it. Neither of us would want to go there again. Taking myself out of the area is effective and a darn sight less dangerous than me losing control again.

So I don't agree with smacking as a punishment and don't like to see other children smacked - however, not all parents have tempers like mine. Some would be able to stop at a tap, I'm not convinced I would be, so don't do it.

No I don't

My son is still far too little to have been smacked and hopefully I never will - my partner and I are both 'anti-smacking' but, reading the above, can see there are some situations (i.e. running in the road) where this has been a sudden and shock reaction, and believe that few of us (if any) could be confident enough to say we would not react in exactly the same way.

I was particularly close to a friend's child who spent at least one night a week with me during her early years. She was a child who was smacked frequently when naughty by her mum, but when with me I found it worked perfectly well to sit her on my lap (once she had calmed down) and ask "How do you think that made me/grandma/the dog feel when you threw that juice on the floor?" By encouraging her to see the impact of her behaviours rather than smacking or telling off, I am convinced did more for her long-term learning. The same worked with my little brother who hated to think he had disappointed me in any way. I will be using these guilt-inducing methods with my son (and as an added bonus, it works with his father too!).

When I was younger the most terrifying person to me was my grandfather - he never once needed to smack, or threaten violence, against any of us. However he spoke to us in a way that demanded respect and nobody from the generations below dared want to upset him. He managed the impossible by being utterly terrifying whilst being one of the most loving, soft, kind, approachable men I could ever hope to have met. He is very sorely missed. As a child I found a "I am calling grandpa" to be much more effective in making me behave than a smack - disappointing him went much further with me than the soreness/resentment felt to my parents after a smack.

Smacking does not teach a child why their behaviour is wrong, explaining it to them does....

But Aitch, this thread is about smacking. If you want to talk about time out and why it's damaging, we can. But believing time out to be damaging doesn't cancel out the discussion about smacking or anybody's beliefs about how it's the wrong choice. Because it's not either or. If I don't use time out either, can I talk about why I think smacking is wrong?

It's like passive smoking threads. Somebody always says 'but I bet you put your child in a car or walk past exhaust fumes and that's risky too'. Well, yes, quite. But can we talk about smoking now?

I once smacked my DDs leg because she was trying to stamp on her baby brother's head!

I didn't work, she went to do the exact same thing 5 minutes later.

I would never smack either of them again, it didn't work AND I didn't feel like I was in control of the situation, my anger had just got away with me. Keeping up with time out/reward charts/counting to 3 is much more effective IME.

Snappy'What is damaging I think is the endless reasoning with no boundries. Last year I holidayed with friends who chose reasoning over time out, giving out, taking things away. The child was an utter utter horror be around and the parents created that!'

Agree 100%. I've also seen that approach and the outcome is as you describe.

Yes but no one with any sense carries on like that ^ either!

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IAmNotACowbagThu 24-May-12 10:02:02

I was hit as a kid.

It worked as I was shit scared of being hit again if I did something wrong.

^This is why it doesn't work. A child learns how to avoid a smack or to cover their tracks better. It doesn't teach how to do the right thing in the first place.

Oh, we had the full on "wait til I get you home" and it wasn't pain free, it fucking hurt. I was slapped across the face when mum's temper got the better of her.

And we had the humiliation of pants down smacking with an audience.

I still loved my mum (no longer with us) but I was frightened of her temper.

My dad lost it and punched my brother once when he was a teen. That's just fucking wrong.

Nope. Again I was smacked as a child and it did me no harm. But I just can't imagine ever smacking DD. She's a very easy child/toddler but still. I'm not against it though, it's just not right for me. I think if I did it now (when she can understand and respond verbally) it would destroy all the trust that she puts in us as her parents and that would break my heart.

Yeah... I was pretty terrified on my parents also. It's very obvious to me now that they times they lost it weren't the times when I was being exceptionally badly behaved but when THEY were most stressed out. I never intended to hit my kids or be violent with them in anyway ever.

Feel very shitty that I lost it with DD once, I'm glad it didn't work because I don't want to be that kind of parent.

I'm not against it though, it's just not right for me. I think if I did it now (when she can understand and respond verbally) it would destroy all the trust that she puts in us as her parents and that would break my heart.

This is a contradiction!

I smacked my daughter once when she was about 4. It wasn't hard, but she was 4 ffs, so I'm not defending it or trying to diminish it any way. It was totally unacceptable. It shocked dd and me at the same time. I was so angry I saw red and I lost it. It wasn't big or clever and I hated that I'd done it. It's not something I wanted to do as a parent, ever, so it wasn't a choice as such. More a reaction.

Would I smack again? I'd never say never, cos you don't know til you're in a situation. I'd hope not. I'd hope I could control myself. And I'd hope there were other sanctions I could defer to first, but if dd pushed my buttons hard enough (she's 11 now, pre-teeny and often drives me into banshee style screaming) who knows?

I was hit as a child and I don't believe it did me any real harm. The thing that did me harm was knowing my mother disliked me intensely from birth. The smacking was something that happened to most kids in my generation and I don't think my mother used it as a weapon particularly...ie I wasn't beaten. So I guess I don't see it in terms of black and white, right or wrong. I just have a conscious preference not to smack which I hope I can back up with my actions.

And I'm sorry, but if everything we did wrong with our kids destroyed their trust and confidence in us, we'd all be fucked.

I haven't ever smacked my daughter, but only because she's never been that bad. I'm not against smacking. I was smacked as a child and I haven't ended up on Jeremy Kyle yet!

My parents smacked me. I have never forgiven them.

Sorry I haven't read all the posts (yet)

I have never smacked my children, I have never had any desire to hit them (or anyone else for that matter). There are plenty of other ways to discipline children if necessary, although my method was essentially to bring them up to be unselfish and respectful of other people and others feelings - most things can be referred back to those principles if you are explaining what is acceptable behaviour.

They are both grown up now and have turned out to be good responsible caring people.

I'm not saying smacking them would have made them bad or unhappy people, simple that it wasn't (and IMO never is) necessary.

I never have, although I came very close once. It would have been a lashing out in frustration (and a bit of pain as my tired, hungry, tantrumy 3 year old had unintentionally kicked me in the chest as I tried to intervene) sort of hit and was something I've always said I wouldn't use as a discipline technique.

As it was, I pulled my hand away and she looked at me and kind of sobbed 'we don't hit' at me. So yeah, I was even more relieved that I'd controlled myself - or I'd have been undermining a lesson I'd been working on for 3 years about non of us hitting other people - including her.

We don't use time out either. And I don't think that smacking = abuse, but I do think there are always better options for the adult in the situation to use.

I do (not very often) but I would really like to find an alternative but so far I have not found anything else that works for DS2, who has SN.

He just doesn't understand naughty step/taking away toys, anything like that. If I took toys away from him he would either not care at all or scream hysterically and probably behave worse than what I was punishing him for in the first place!

He usually doesn't even understand that he has done anything wrong, so it is very hard to make him feel sorry - he is non verbal so can't apologise and has no comprehansion of anyone else's feelings other than his own so I can't use 'how do you think that makes me/your brother feel', he simply doesn't get it.

Sometimes the only way to make him understand he must not do something (like touch the gas hob when I'm cooking), is a quick smack to the hand.

If anyone has any tips for disciplining a child with autism, I welcome them!

No smacking here. Ds is 2.6 years old and he pushes my buttons but I use my voice instead. Sometimes I hold his hand to stop him running away and put on a firm voice but that's it. I have a temper so work really hard to stay calm in front of the kids as I dont them to be scared of me.

I also got about halfway through and then scrolled down to post.

For me, the smack is like the nuclear deterrent. I have not used it. I do not wish to use it. I would like to go for mutual disarmament as a long-term solution, and by the age of about 8 believe this is realistic. But I don't want the state to ban it as I may want to deploy the threat of it in some scenario I haven't yet imagined.

I tend to discipline my children with (a) example (b) consequences (c) time out (d) star chart (e) the menacing stare (f) I'm counting to eighty four. If, by the time I have reached two sevenths of that figure, you have not complied with the instructions I have clearly given, I shall explode with fury. Works best on DS2 who can't yet divide 84 by seven so looks sheepish and hurries to do what he's told in case the number's really low :)

I have in the past. It never helped, made me feel hopeless and left me nowhere to go. I never smacked in a calm controlled way, it was always out of frustration and a failing on my part. I never smacked hard enough to hurt, just hard enough to really piss off the tantrumming toddler trying to kick my shins in and inflame the situation. My dc are 11 and 8 now and don't remember being smacked. I am in no way proud of hitting my children.

extremepie If anyone has any tips for disciplining a child with autism, I welcome them!

I guess it depends on the child. I have no short term fixes but I have had success with this in the long term:

You are 4 years 5 months. On x day you will be exactly 4 years 6 months. When boys are 4 years 6 months they do y (or do not do z). When boys are 4 years 7 months they do ... When boys are 4 years 8 months they do ...

'For me, the smack is like the nuclear deterrent'

I used to be the press officer for the campaign for nuclear disarmament