To insist my dd studies in addition to her schoolwork?

[ChopstheScarletduck]

DD clearly thinks I am. We've had this discussion a few times now. Apparently NOBODY else has to do extra work.

She is a solidly average student in general, but lacks motivation in subjects she does find harder, and has terrible organisational skills.

All the kids have been told they must do half an hours reading a day, from school age. The older two do maths and english in addition to that, so around an hour a day (age 11, 9)

I've now told dd I want her to do 90mins a day, which includes homework, reading and study. In the past I've even told her she can do music practice as part of that, but that didn't last very long. I help her with the aspects of her study she is struggling with, though on the whole it is independent study.

She seems to think she should be able rush her homework then hang out with her friends or sit in front of a screen all day, like everybody else does. I want her to work to achieve the grades I know she is capable of if she tries. Her homework is 100% better when she knows she can't get away with just rushing it, as she will just have to find something else to study in any case!

I know academic achievement isn't everything, and she has plenty of time left to do what she wants, and she does various clubs at school, Girls Brigade, a couple of youth clubs.

Please tell me I'm not really the only one who wants their dc to do a little work as well as play!

Let her enjoy her last term of primary schoo,l there will be plenty of homework once she's a senior.

"but lacks motivation in subjects she does find harder" - well you're not going to make her motivated by forcing her into homework that her peers aren't doing when presumably she doesn't have any specific goal in mind which she buys into.

She will however become quite creative in finding ways to skive it.

Far better to use you (and her) energy in making sure she does her school set homework properly, checking it and making her keep redoing it until its right.

I didn't have even 1hrs homework and I passed to the grammar school at 11 as did all of my school class (so the school were doing something right).

She isn't going to associated learning with anything good at this rate...

Maybe you'd have more success and run less risk of alienating her from study altogether if you ease back from the enforced extra work and look for ways you can pique her interest in topics that might lead to her wanting to read/research things herself? So trips to a natural history museum, a zoo, the theatre, holidays...any one of those things MIGHT spark an interest (dinosaurs, animals, a particular author/playwright) that means she looks stuff up herself, and even if it doesn't you've had a nice family or mother/daughter experience together.

Nobody is saying that an 11 year old should do as they are told, but that you cant force learning. As cant said, you cant force motivation either, all that happens is she resents you for forcing her to do something she doesnt want to do.

In a year or so her homework will pick up as she heads towards her options, then in year 10 it will rack up even more as she is then studying for GCSE's, she will get plenty of work soon enough.

As I said, if you are so certain you are right then why did you ask?

I'm assuming she's year 6?

I don't think it is a bad idea to do some homework every day. I do it with my DC.

I started off with the "as long as they are happy" theory, well that got my DS1 to be 2 years behind in literacy. OK, so he has mild dyslexia, but blimey.

So now that I have woken up, the DC do 20-30 minutes every day, of maths, reading, spelling or instrument. This includes homework set by the school.

They are 7 and 9. This is an amount they accept, and TBH, I think asking for more after a long school day seems "mean". It has become a routine though.

I think around 11-12 they could do 1 hour homework.

I would hesitate to set them more, unless for exams.

It is all about balance. Have you talked about your DD what SHE thinks is fair? I asked DS1, when he was 9 and we agreed that half an hour a day is doable and leaves him plenty of time to play.

Also, maybe give her a little break when she comes home ( a drink and half hour play to unwind a bit!)

No, I dont think IABU, but dd does. So I asked because I wanted to see other opinions, and even suggestions of other ways to approach the issue.

It really isn't a case of having to force her every day. It's something that they've done since tiny, so it's a part of routine, it's 90% enjoyable, it's just sometimes she does question it. ds1 loves reading so it is never an issue with him. The dts sometimes moan, but as I said, it's usually because they are bored of their current books. Once we get a new stash, they are happy to read again.

I am very surprised tbh that more parents don't expect their children to study. As someone said, it does seem to be more common in Indian and Chinese families. We are a blended household, and (Indian) DH would have her doing much more than she does left to his own devices!

year 6? so shes just done her yr 6 sats and quite probably been put under a fair bit of pressure at school for that.

Jeez! let the child enjoy the summer before she goes up to high school!

SATS books, reading at the table, 90 minutes homework? Sounds like the perfect recipe for putting kids off learning all together!

I am really saddened by this, because despite the OPs best intentions, the future outcome is more than likely going to be catastrophic for the child's education, but OP just cannot see it

OP I think you're worrying far too much.

Of course she lacks motivation in subjects she doesn't find interesting. She's 11!

My DS gets very little homework - in fact his 5 year old sister gets more. So he reads loads, follows creative pursuits that are of interest to him, works towards Scouts badges and enjoys life a bit.

There is more too life that being top of the class.

Not only that, but hanging out with friends is a good thing. Good social skills, negotiating skills and being able to communicate within a team are greater predictors of future success than academic ability alone.

"I know how important reading is to be able to access the rest of the curriculum" - if she can't read sufficiently well by 11 to access the curriculum than I think you have bigger problems than you're discussing here.

Aren't SAT's over?

I think modelling is a better way to get kids to do something than telling/forcing them to do it. So if you study hard enough to get a First in your OU degree, are always buried in a book looking like you?re just loving reading it, read ?New Scientist?, take every opportunity to use maths/science in everyday life with enthusiasm and confidence, practise a musical instrument yourself every day, go to a ?club? type activity after work ? a sport or social justice group or whatever? Then your kids will tend to think reading, seeking knowledge, being musical, sporty and outgoing is a natural part of everyone?s life. But if you tell them to do it, but don?t complete your OU degree or underachieve on the grade you could get, don?t play an instrument yourself, and watch TV after work, they will rebel. (Not saying that OP is like this ? just giving an example of what I think works). Just like how the kids of smokers are statistically more likely to smoke, however many dire warnings they?ve had from their smoker parent that the parent wishes they?d never started.

So I would say, let her rush her homework, but don?t rush yours and that will send its own message.

My ds is exhausted after last week's SATS, if I told him he needed to do another 90 mins tonight he'd burst into tears!

sorry, year 7, duh! She is in high school.

No YANBU, this why British kids are not able to compete with their global counterparts they are generally bone idle and unmotivated IME

All very well being a child but given they spend 6 hours pissing about colouring in pie charts with the odd but of chip and kipper if they can be bothered i'm not surprised the OP wants a bit of quality output at the end of the day.

I only wish I could get mine to sit down and do it.

ok shes in high school.

Let her do what HW she is set, let the school lead on that, they know best.

An hour and a half every day at 11 seems too much to me, but that's me thinking of my son. I think we need to strike the balance for our kids between what is pushing them to that little bit further than they think they can do, and making it unbearable for them. You clearly know what this is for your daughter so go for it.

What I really like about your approach is the setting of the time. So she knows that she has that amount of time she has to spend on her work no matter what. I'm going to implement that approach with son too.

More to life than being top of the class, what sort of message is that to your child ? They should be striving to do their best, whatever that best may be.

Mosman - I'm rather hoping that DS will have progressed past Chip and Kipper by the time he's at secondary school.

Mosman, some children will never be top of the class though even at their best!

Pushing like this will do naff all for their self esteem which tbh in the absence of huge intelligence and fab grades will be essential.

I thought modelling would have rubbed off, I did OU law, play several instruments, go to the gym, read every day. but it definitely hasn't in dd's case.

I think for the dts it probably has more so. They see daddy having a good job and want the same. They want to be rich, and be city bankers so they can work in Canary Wharf and drive Bugatti Veyrons. Though, they are brighter, so things do seem to come easier for them.

When she did do the SATs, we barely noticed they were on. At that time, she was reading daily, but not really studying much at home, just mostly on the Mymaths website at weekends. I was never that pushy really, until she started high school, when I started to expect her to work rather a bit more. Then come high school, she isn't getting anywhere near the amount of homework I would expect, so we started finding her a bit extra work to do.

Then we got reports and her SATs results are still almost all in the same place they were a year ago, so we upped the work a lot more.

The 90 minutes thing was actually agreed after a discussion with dd. The rule before was 45 mins reading, cut to 30 mins if she has homework and then maths and english as and when. We found often she struggled to fit everything in, so we decided a set 90 mins would be the best way to do it. So she gets the time to work on the sats stuff, and reads when she has less homework.

Mosman, some children will never be top of the class though even at their best!

I really disagree with that statement. Look at Indian and Chinese children - they aren't innately more intelligent. It's down to hard work.

I'm not aiming for top of the class, I'm aiming for her to achieve reasonable grades. I'd be happy with Bs, Cs. I want her to at least get good enough grades so she has the chance to go to college and on to uni if she wants to.

Mosman they should be striving to be the best, whatever that best may be. Of course they should.

But "whatever their best may be" is the crucial part of what you said. Not "best in their parents eyes" or "better than everyone else". The OP hasn't said "she's excelling and she's feeling unchallenged and I don't feel I have any choice, I'd rather not be doing this, but I must".

90 mins on top of a full school day, every day, is a lot. Is there some real down time where the DD is allowed to, I don't know, have some fun?