To insist my dd studies in addition to her schoolwork?

[ChopstheScarletduck]

DD clearly thinks I am. We've had this discussion a few times now. Apparently NOBODY else has to do extra work.

She is a solidly average student in general, but lacks motivation in subjects she does find harder, and has terrible organisational skills.

All the kids have been told they must do half an hours reading a day, from school age. The older two do maths and english in addition to that, so around an hour a day (age 11, 9)

I've now told dd I want her to do 90mins a day, which includes homework, reading and study. In the past I've even told her she can do music practice as part of that, but that didn't last very long. I help her with the aspects of her study she is struggling with, though on the whole it is independent study.

She seems to think she should be able rush her homework then hang out with her friends or sit in front of a screen all day, like everybody else does. I want her to work to achieve the grades I know she is capable of if she tries. Her homework is 100% better when she knows she can't get away with just rushing it, as she will just have to find something else to study in any case!

I know academic achievement isn't everything, and she has plenty of time left to do what she wants, and she does various clubs at school, Girls Brigade, a couple of youth clubs.

Please tell me I'm not really the only one who wants their dc to do a little work as well as play!

If you honestly think 2 hours of extra work on top of a full school day and no actual leisure time, no fun, not even a car journey free of learning is going to make your child into a well rounded, sociable, independent learner then I actually feel sad for your DCs.

OP said 90 minutes, not 2 hours. She also said that she has 3- 4 hours per day free. Honestly don't think that's too much and outrageously condescending to feel sorry for dc.

Big difference between doing extra work and having no free time and not being a well rounded sociable person! htf does doing extra work make a kid unsociable ?

There are many places where doing 90 minutes (inc homework, so maybe only an hour extra in real terms or even less, is the norm or even v. little.

If I didn't expect mine to do extra work they would have about 7 hours a day free. That's bonkers!

I do think people are deliberately misreading the op.
She said 90 mins including music practice, homework and reading. Thus leaving around three hours to fiddle about.

In which aprallel universe is that such intense pressure that will elad her DD to a mental breakdown? I mean really, are posters DC so fragile?

theodorakis Love back to you! ... whats the opposite of tiger parenting?

becstarsky that's just lovely and exactly how I was bought up and it stands true.

cabbage...it's sloth of course!

Rejoice and be slothful and grow algae!

What Wordfactory said. Exactly.

There does seem to be a bit of an anti-achievement/anti-responsible parenting bias on MN - any thread suggesting actually encouraging/helping your child reach his/her full potential or suggesting that parents actually should be controlling what their children do socially usually results in lots of people saying children should do whatever they want, go out socially whenever they want!

What about boundaries, sensible rules etc? They are CHILDREN, not adults and require boundaries and guidance. That should be part of parenting your children and young teens.... to help them achieve socially and academically to the best of their ability.

We most certainly have rules and boundaries. I just care for my family rather than their achievements compared to others.

SCOTHandWRY - I agree with you as well But we have stacks of rules, guidelines, boundaries in our house, hence I have lovely DS with manners, they are told off more than most for talking in a rude manner they eat all meals at the table, they do chores round the house, they work to old fashioned strict rules I expect lots from them. But in return they get lots form me and DH It's about having respect for your little people, and guiding them, no amount of homework would convince me to MAKE then sit for a set amount of time.

It's really interesting to read peoples different home lives like a window into how its' done and I guess there is no right or wrong way, we need dustmen and train drivers as well as the high earners!

thodorakis are you me??

DCs may not be fragile but time is fragile and childhood short. 90 minutes reading or a trip to the beach, dolphin watching and learning to windsurf with your dad? That's what we did this afternoon, homework will be done but it is not the be all and end all of life. Maybe it's because we are older but we cherish every day of life. In our late 30s, we have lost so many friends over the last few years to sudden or terminal illness. Memories of a happy and loving childhood prepare people to be decent human beings just as much as SATs, more in my opinion. I think many adult relationships are blighted by one or both having unhappy or stressful childhoods and while we all need to get over that, why not give mine a swallows and amazons crossed with enid blyton childhood (well that's my model anyway)

Actually I am being pretentious. I say swallows and amazons and have been doing so for years but I have never read the book.

Don't bother. It is very dull.

Can I have the 90 minutes reading option please? . am rubbish on a windsurfer, hate the beach, love to read. Reading/studying isn't a waste of a childhood, it's one of the perfect blisses of childhood when you discover a book or subject that inspires you. But it's such a shame that everyone sees this split - 'she should be having fun' 'she should be studying not having fun'... How about 'she should be reading things she enjoys?'. I just realised that my DS who is 6yo does 60 mins reading and studying per day, but only stuff that he wants to.

Who wouldn't want to read?

THEO, I am not at all interested in how my DC compare with others, but very interested to see that they do the best that THEY can in whatever they chose to study, that's what will help them the most not being "top of the class" for the sake of being top of class.

I know lots of people who don't read for pleasure and feel a bit for them! Reading is wonderful.

I read all the time, always have but you have to be realistic theodorakis- and lots of people( some very intelligent) don't want to read.

It's not the homework, it's not the 90 minutes per se, it's the fact the ops dd is struggling with independent learning and having to be forced to read at age 11.
It's the fact the op clearly considers it an issue that her dd is not as "academic" as her other children.

Children do not aquire a love of learning and the ability to work independently if they are put at a table for 90 minutes every day.
I would imagine, at the beginning of yr 7, most DCs would prefer to rush their homework and go and do something "more interesting"

I personally have found other ways to teach, rather than timing them, to explore the subject they are researching further, to develop and research different parts to make the homework varied, whether it takes 1 hour or 4.

My older DCs are at selectives so I value education and believe that if you want to achieve something you have to work to the best of your ability.
My ds2 however is not academic.
He works hard, he tries his best and he is a wonderful, creative, athletic child. But I am not sure he will pass the 11+ and go the the selective as there are 1000s of applicants for 112 places.

He is in year 3. I could have him heavily tutored for the next 3 years and he may well be taught how to pass
Would he keep up with the work? Would he be happy? Probably not.

He doesn't have to be pushed into an environment where he will struggle, his talents lie elsewhere.
I choose not to force him to learn, it wouldn't benefit him in the slightest, it would damage his self esteem, and for what?
So I can say "all 3 of my DCs are at selective schools?"

I don't think that's worth it. As long as he tries his hardest, I am happy. I cannot force him to be something he isn't, the same way he cannot teach ds1 how to draw, and play the piano.

Very sensible, YourFanjo.

I have an 11 year old too, and I'm not sure how 90 minutes would fit in with also having 3-4 hours free a day as well? Unless the child concerned does no after school clubs or any other activities.

Mine does an after school activity every day. Gets home at .4.45. On Tuesday has football training 6-7.30. Friday Scouts 7-9. So no time really for extra work on those days. On the others he has a total of about 3.5 to 4 hours between getting home and going to bed. Allowing an hour for supper and washing up and so on, 90 minutes extra work would give him 1.5 to 2 hours to do music practice, play, look after pets, read what he wants to read, watch Top Gear, whatever. Not doable, in my book. And I have very high expectations for my children!

That's what I was thinking seeker.
Mine have various clubs after school, they have to do their jobs in the house, eat dinner, walk the dog, school homework, tidy their bedrooms and pack their school bags before bed.

They definitely don't have 3-4 hours per night left over!

I don't think you're being unreasonable. School finishes at 3:30 at the latest. She doesn't need hours of leisure time to 'be herself' or 'hang out'. You're doing the right thing for your child.

Do you not think children need down time then?

Are you saying that you, as an adult, never take any time to watch half an hour of tv, chat to a friend, use the Internet, have a cup of tea?

Why is it we as parents do not feel we have to have our entire day broken down into worthwhile activities but feel compelled to do this for our children and view any free time playing with friends, watching a tv programme, playing a game as a terrible thing?

And school does not finish at 3:30 at the latest, like seeker pointed out, children do after school activities. Or should they not be allowed to do football, dance etc as it might impact on their extra learning?

My ds leaves school at 4.30 every day. Monday drama, Tuesday choir, Wednesday Cricket, Thursday football, Friday Rock band.

Should he give up any of these in favour of extra school work?

Personally I am of the opinion that extra curricular activities like these make children in to well rounded individuals and they have fun

I like children to enjoy what they are doing