Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be incensed by this pregnancy announcement on FB?

348 replies

CCsgirl · 20/05/2012 14:37

Acquaintance on FB has just announced that she is " gunna be a mammy for the first time!!!!". She was with the father for 2 weeks and he is now in jail. She says as far as she is concerned her baby "dusnt av a daddy". She has been in her job for 4 weeks. 37 congratulations on her status so far. AIBU to be totally incensed that this is seen as acceptable and something to be congratulated?

OP posts:
WasabiTillyMinto · 20/05/2012 16:58

oh dear CCsgirl you wont be able to say anything right, i doubt if half the posters are even reading what you actually wrote.

Original poster
CCsgirl · 20/05/2012 16:58

She is defriended, she angers me as much as I have you lot, can't take that for 8 months.......

OP posts:
laurenamium · 20/05/2012 16:59

So OP what exactly is the issue then? If its not that she is a single parent, or that she is proud to be a mum then I assume it is because dad is in prison? He won't have been in prison when she conceived and she has clearly stated she isn't supporting him while he is in there and will not be bringing the child up to know that their dad is in prison. So what is the issue?

Original poster
CCsgirl · 20/05/2012 17:00

AIBU was the wrong place it's true, i already knew the answer but still feel the same way

OP posts:
thatisall · 20/05/2012 17:01

I think the op might just not be very good at wording things???

It isn't right to judge people, but I bet even the people who are flaming the op have raised an eyebrow at some of the status' that their acquaintences have posted on facebook.

I got a bit Hmm when I saw that my dsis' friend was expecting again and announced it just a couple of days ago as follows: 'preg agen, gud. now we can get a bigger house an get out of this shit ol an job centre can't tell 'dp' to get a job cus he's looking aft a me. glad to ave em off are backs'

Now Im not one to judge and I don't think that it is right to put an expectant mother down for not being in a long term relationship with prince charming or for not having a house and savings. No situation is the perfect one in which to bring a child to the World. But I was a little narked with this status. A child is not a source of income and not a reason for her dp to quit work.

But maybe the op was just trying to raise the issue of the things that we read on Facebook from people who think and live very differently to ourselves?? I would have been a bit Hmm if Id read this. maybe not incensed, Id be more likely worried that she might need a friend? Someone to talk to? Perhaps the op has read other things that have lead to such a reaction.

Im not defending judging people, just saying, maybe op could've worded her post better and shouldn't have been so angry.

Original poster
CCsgirl · 20/05/2012 17:02

Lauren- my issue is that it's seen as perfectly acceptable to have lots of casual sex, have an accident, be in a financially precarious situation and expect and get congratulations when you announce your pregnancy. I know IABU but that's how I feel.

OP posts:
thebody · 20/05/2012 17:04

Face book is for teens and chavs anyway.

Why is this person a face book friend when you clearly have nothing in commen??

How can this ' incense you?' many terrible things incense me, child cruelty, war, poverty etc, someone I barely knew getting knocked up by a jail bird?? Why would you care.

Pocketrocket11 · 20/05/2012 17:04

Yes my DP is my DS's father....which is a bit irrelevant...we could have split up whilst I was pregnant or after and I would still be the best mother I could possibly be with him around or not.

Offred · 20/05/2012 17:05

ccs - I accept that is a valid moral code to have for yourself and can see why it might be important to you and that it is logical in current, nuclear family orientated society. I just think there is a line between choosing your moral code and thinking it is "the right" moral code and that where you cross over that line is when you start talking about what society should and shouldn't accept. Certainly in this context anyway. I can also see why it might stick in your throat if you are feeling under pressure from living in a very controlled way that is specifically designed to obtain your optimum outcome.

What I think matters most is not any of the circumstances of conception or birth, which yes may make things harder or easier for families, but the stability and commitment of the people raising the child whilst they are raising it. There are plenty of people in committed relationships who fails to provide stability for a variety of reasons and plenty who are single or who conceived in hellish circs who are strong and stable when the child is there. It isn't a reliable guide.

I think we shouldn't try to create extra barriers to stable environments for children who have been born into more difficult situations and that requires giving more empathy and support and celebrations of happy things to people who are in less than ideal circumstances. I don't think anyone argues with you that this is a less than ideal circumstance to be in in this society where people live in nuclear family units and work far from home and long hours. What I think people are worried about is the moralising and the suggestion that people who don't fit into the moral code be cut out and set adrift.

laurenamium · 20/05/2012 17:07

How do you know that she was having lots of casual sex? How do you know that it was unprotected? Something could have gone wrong- it does! Are you suggesting that an abortion in this situation would be preferable?! Or no sex before marriage?

When I told my family I was pregnant, my nana wrote me a list of all the reasons I should have an abortion. I was 17 weeks pregnant when I found out (erratic periods due to eating disorder) and she knew this. Nothing could have hurt me more than when I was scared for the future and feeling alone and being presented with a list like that. I would have preferred silence or a "congratulations".

Offred · 20/05/2012 17:08

What I mean by "moralising" btw is that morality is fairly irrelevant to whether someone is accepted as a person in society in this context objectively speaking. Subjectively you believe it is important and if that's the case, which is your choice, you need to keep it to your life and your life only (easier said than done).

thatisall · 20/05/2012 17:08

ccsgirl I just stuck up for you but this last statement IS very judgemental.

Her bf wasn't in prison when the baby was conceived. How do you now then that she didn't believe she was in a loving long term relationship? Why do you assume it was casual sex?

Many many women give birth whist struggling financially, wealth is not necessary to be a good parent. Equally just because one has money when a child is born does not mean that you are guaranteed to always be financially comfortable.

FWIW I had dd at 18 in a long term relationship, (4years at that point), it was a shock and I was judged as a promiscuous teenager, which I was not!

I worked 2 jobs to support dd whilst her father was in Uni.

NOT ONE PERSON congratulated me on my pregnancy. Its announcement was met with worried looks and 'will you keep it?' How fucking rude.

Don't judge people who are not like you, for all you know she will make a better mother than you are.

whoknowsnotme · 20/05/2012 17:08

that is al, surely thats a bit different, il admit that situations like that il raise an eyebrow at (not worried enough to start a thread about it) but i just feel for this woman, shes just found out that her life is going to change forever, she has realized what a responsibility it is going to be so she has got herself a job, when she could have easily said shes too ill with ms whatever to do now. she is facing all this as a single young parent. i just dont think she deserves that amount of hostility thrown at her by OP

Original poster
CCsgirl · 20/05/2012 17:09

Offred, thank you for your post, I will read it back and digest properly. Thing is no one seems to even accept that these are less than ideal circumstances

OP posts:
WasabiTillyMinto · 20/05/2012 17:10

Thing is no one seems to even accept that these are less than ideal circumstances

you are correct, these circumstances are less than ideal.

AllYoursBabooshka · 20/05/2012 17:11

You seemed very focused on convention. Convention doesn't always work.

Hop over to the relationship section and you will see many people in "conventional" marriages. I'm sure a lot of posters would seem to have the "ideal" life you keep bringing up.

Married for 8 years, Two kids, A nice house, Comfortable financially. Rosie posy! When in fact he beats the kids and she's a narcissist who constantly puts her children down.

Where as the woman you speak of could be a wonderful mother, Love her child and give he/she amazing confidence and security. Give her child a stable home, Even if the father isn't involved (that could possible be for the best).

Which situation angers you more?

thatisall · 20/05/2012 17:12

whoknow I totally agree. She needs support not judgement. What I was trying to say is its ok to raise an eyebrow because my God it isn't ideal for her, maybe its even ok to say something on here and get it out of your system (though I can't understand the level of the op 's disgust).

I haven't read every post. Has the op said something to her. I truly hope not.

laurenamium · 20/05/2012 17:12

I also agree that the circumstances are less than ideal.

But this does not mean that you have the right to judge and be 'incensed' at this girl!

Original poster
CCsgirl · 20/05/2012 17:12

Maybe she thought she was in a committed long term relationship, but after 2 weeks, throughout which Facebook was kept updated of their daily fall outs, I find it hard to believe she thought he was her life partner. But as I have been reminded, who am I to judge what she may have felt?

OP posts:
whoknowsnotme · 20/05/2012 17:13

That was not to your last post! i would not raise an eyebrow to your situation, that was directed at your post aboUt your fb friend saying about getting bigger house etc! Blush Thats truly shocking that people behaved like that towards you X

Original poster
CCsgirl · 20/05/2012 17:14

I haven't said anything to her, she is an acquaintance through a shared hobby. That said, if I did see her, which I won't, I would struggle to offer congratulations. I clearly am a horrible person.

OP posts:
thatisall · 20/05/2012 17:14

ccgirl so she shouldn't have been sleeping with him at all is that what you're saying.

Also ccsgirl for someone who is merely an 'acquaintance' you seem to have kept a pretty close eye on this woman's behaviour over the last few months, no?

Offred · 20/05/2012 17:14

I think it is because you've posted in AIBU and because a lot of people on MN have been through a lot of really tough things which have often been beyond their control. It feels like a personal judgment and people are feeling empathy for the woman in the situation. Undeniably her circs are more difficult but that is entirely down to the context of the society (nuclear family etc) and I don't think down to the morality or immorality of her choices necessarily which will always be judged differently by different people. Don't mean to speak for everyone btw, just what my perception is of what I think is happening on this thread.

thatisall · 20/05/2012 17:15

whoknows I know lol :)

laurenamium · 20/05/2012 17:15

What offred said. Hit the nail on the head!