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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is he up to no good?

302 replies

mummytogorguztwinsxx · 18/05/2012 19:25

Hi im new on here and really need some advice. Ive been with my husband for 3.5yrs and married for 1 was our anniversary may 11th. We have gorguz twin boys that are 2.5yrs. Up until the 28th april everything was great with our family, we were even trying for another baby.

The 28th april changed my life forever. My husbands ex partner from 5years ago showed up with his son!! Which he never knew about, his son is 4 in august. Which obviously shows this did not happen whilst we have been together but she did choose to keep his son from him n basically played god with his life.

Anyway since he has found out about him 3 weeks ago he has been spending hours and hours with them n no time at all with his twins, he's been coming home at midnight and even 2am once, they are also constantly txting eaxh other, i understand that he wants to be a dad and do the right thing and i support that, but its the secretive texts n the coming home late, also when he is out with them he wont answer the phone or my txts. They went to bkackpool last sat and he txt me a 9pm to say they were staying over and no matter how much i pleaded with him not to he still did it. The folliwing day he came home and after an hour or so he had a bath, when i asked for his washing there was no boxers, he says he left them at the hotel because they were full of sand from the beach which could be believable, but he h ad them in when he came home.

To top it all off we fouund out i was preg on 8/5 he imnediately told me i had to abort it as it isnt the right. time or situation to bring a baby up, this really really hurt me as it is something we have both wanted for over a year, we decided on monday to keep the baby but unfortunately i had a musscarriage on tuesday but my husband has not been here for me at all, i went to the hospital on my own and got home past midnight on tues, then weds he went straight out from work at 5.30pm with them and returned at midnight, as i am writing this he is out with them he went at 4 and has said he will be back by 12, i dont understand why u would have a 3yr old out that late.

Please could somebody help me am i over reacting? Is he just excited about this new son or is it more about spending more time with her????

OP posts:
Bubblebell1 · 20/05/2012 11:17

The op only has her husbands word that she was drunk. Maybe she had a glass of
wine and to take the attention away from his bad behaviour said that she was drunk.

Seriously why hate on the other mum. The only 1 i the wrong is the husband.

fuckarama · 20/05/2012 11:18

Rowing - that's a very good point.

Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 20/05/2012 11:18

I am trying to answer all questions as quick as i can i am using my phone so i get a couple through at a time

OP posts:
rowingdowntheriver · 20/05/2012 11:19

I wrote what I wrote on the basis that what he has said is true. If the op's friends also have commented that the women is always keeping the child out until midnight I'd have thought there is some cause for concern.

Not saying his behaviour is acceptable, just think there is more than one issue here.

Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 20/05/2012 11:20

Bubblebell - you are righr he has hus own mind he know what he is doing and knows if he is in the wrong he makea the decisions no one else

OP posts:
Bubblebell1 · 20/05/2012 11:21

Also mummy would you be able to live with the constant thought that him And her did something while they were out all night.

Why don't you make the decision and then let him act.

If you say it's done and that's it he will have to change an prove he is worthy of you. This way your saying do you want to go out all night with your ex or be with me?

Only saying because my friends husband did this when her lil 1 was born and the hubby chose going out.

Bubblebell1 · 20/05/2012 11:25

Hate to admit it. I have friends that lead a dramatic love life and these friends may just want to join on he band wagon.

I am different to most in that I will only react to first hand info, what's to stop the husbands friend covering for him?

Just not a situation I would tolerate and I'd hate to feel rejected if they didn't chose me and the kids I could never put myself in that situation.

I do feel for you op.

Bubblebell1 · 20/05/2012 11:28

Sorry just re read my last post and was a little confusing Blush
I was trying to say maybe these friends of your just want to join in the mud slinging.

My friends would. Hmm

RetroMom · 20/05/2012 11:45

Morning MTGT. I see things have progressed. Just sorry you've handed control back to your DH. He is learning just how much shit you will take from him. He's abandoned you and your boys during a crucial and traumatic time in your lives. You've just lost a baby. He's just discovered he has another baby, and he's out with the mum and that baby instead of at home, holding, loving and caring for you and the twins the way you know he should be.

But still you wait for him to decide how he will play this thing.

Good luck. I hope it works out for you. I wouldn't want to handle the negative energy of the drama of it all.

lunar1 · 20/05/2012 11:50

Just read through this thread, your husbands behavior to you is absolutely disgusting.

What the hell is this poor child being dragged round for at this time of night? I have to be honest I would be ringing SS, he should be getting in a routine ready for school in September if he is 4 in August.

I can't see any reason why your husband would need to be back any time after 8pm even if he has an hours drive.

PooPooInMyToes · 20/05/2012 12:13

Has he even apologised?

PooPooInMyToes · 20/05/2012 12:37

One thing Im confused about, i thought you said he was with them while you had tin miscarriage but then later said he was at home with the twins?

PooPooInMyToes · 20/05/2012 12:38

I also don't understand why you would want to be with someone who has displayed violence in a previous relationship?

rhondajean · 20/05/2012 13:08

I read it as when she lost the baby he was out with them, but when she had to go to hospital about it he has the twins?

Buckingfiatch · 20/05/2012 18:19

Anymore news?

I have to agree, you have given him some power back but, I understand why. Hopefully it will turn out to be a good call you made.

skybluepearl · 20/05/2012 19:08

He should be supporting you after the M/C and looking after the twins in order to let you rest. Any normal loving father/husband would do this without thinking.

Please don't give him any more chances, he really doesn't deserve them. He is putting your family needs lowest on the priority list when really he should be plodding through all the official channels slowly and setting up a steady relationship over a long time. He hasn't even had a DNA test done has he?

What I don't understand is how the other woman would let a violent ex partner have sole responsibility for a child after only 3 weeks!? She doesn't sound like a responsible mother at all.

I think you need to read his texts while he asleep tonight to find out if the relationship between DH and woman is sexual.

stuffitunderthebed · 20/05/2012 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Buckingfiatch · 20/05/2012 23:49

???

Babylon1 · 21/05/2012 04:57

Hmm maybe her phone ran out of battery? Hmm

Or it is as I suspected, a crock of poo Sad

AwaketooLate · 21/05/2012 05:09

or maybe she has a life, Babylon1?

(unlike you or I obviously! Smile)

lifechanger · 21/05/2012 06:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babylon1 · 21/05/2012 10:42

Awaketoolate...... Early morning BF!!

I'm sorry to doubt lifechanger, but we've gone from having every conversation/text msg relayed to nothing at all Sad

I said I'd be first to apologise if I was wrong, but I still don't think I am.

Buckingfiatch · 21/05/2012 11:11

You have already said Babylon, there is no need to keep repeating it. Just leave it to the "I told you so" if and when it may transpire that you was right.

Until then, she shouldn't be constantly questioned. How would you like it if you had found yourself in such a horrid mess and others kept, hypothetically, kicking you whilst you was down?

Maybe the thread should be moved out of AIBU.

HypercriticalOaf · 21/05/2012 12:19

The bleating and sniping on this thread about potential BS is really disappointing.

By hopping up and down and voicing your unfounded assumption that this story is too ludicrous to be real, you are actively supporting and feeding the shame culture which paralyses women within denial (it's so extreme that it can't be true/this can't be happening) in all kinds of abusive and horrific situations.

If you have concerns over trolling - you know the drill. This woman is going through a hell which none of us would wish to endure and particularly not alone - or worse, with the added heartache of strangers sticking the knife in.

Op, if you return, consider starting a thread in the 'Relationships' section. 'AIBU' can quite often become inexplicably rabid.

Babylon1 · 21/05/2012 21:40

Points taken, and I apologise for doubting.

FWIW I hope the op isn't going through all of this for the sake of her children and her sanity. Sad