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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is he up to no good?

302 replies

mummytogorguztwinsxx · 18/05/2012 19:25

Hi im new on here and really need some advice. Ive been with my husband for 3.5yrs and married for 1 was our anniversary may 11th. We have gorguz twin boys that are 2.5yrs. Up until the 28th april everything was great with our family, we were even trying for another baby.

The 28th april changed my life forever. My husbands ex partner from 5years ago showed up with his son!! Which he never knew about, his son is 4 in august. Which obviously shows this did not happen whilst we have been together but she did choose to keep his son from him n basically played god with his life.

Anyway since he has found out about him 3 weeks ago he has been spending hours and hours with them n no time at all with his twins, he's been coming home at midnight and even 2am once, they are also constantly txting eaxh other, i understand that he wants to be a dad and do the right thing and i support that, but its the secretive texts n the coming home late, also when he is out with them he wont answer the phone or my txts. They went to bkackpool last sat and he txt me a 9pm to say they were staying over and no matter how much i pleaded with him not to he still did it. The folliwing day he came home and after an hour or so he had a bath, when i asked for his washing there was no boxers, he says he left them at the hotel because they were full of sand from the beach which could be believable, but he h ad them in when he came home.

To top it all off we fouund out i was preg on 8/5 he imnediately told me i had to abort it as it isnt the right. time or situation to bring a baby up, this really really hurt me as it is something we have both wanted for over a year, we decided on monday to keep the baby but unfortunately i had a musscarriage on tuesday but my husband has not been here for me at all, i went to the hospital on my own and got home past midnight on tues, then weds he went straight out from work at 5.30pm with them and returned at midnight, as i am writing this he is out with them he went at 4 and has said he will be back by 12, i dont understand why u would have a 3yr old out that late.

Please could somebody help me am i over reacting? Is he just excited about this new son or is it more about spending more time with her????

OP posts:
manicbmc · 18/05/2012 19:30

Whatever it is, he's a shit for treating you this way and ignoring your kids. You are his wife. I can't see why he'd need to be there passed the kid's bedtime tbh.

Just the fact that he wasn't there for you at all when you had a MC and had to go to hospital speaks volumes.

What do you want to do?

parakeet · 18/05/2012 19:33

I'm so sorry, I'm afraid I think the answer is yes, he is sleeping with her.

Things can't continue like this, can they.

Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 18/05/2012 19:35

Hi thank you for replying.

To be honest i dont know, i had a bad childhood as i was adopted n that n ive always said no matter what i want my kids to always have there parents there, unless i knew he was doing the dirty as that is something i could never forgive.

He keeps telling me he loves me and that his and gers relationship was violent and just basically awaful so there is no way he'd go back there but his actions say something different to me.

OP posts:
IWantSummer · 18/05/2012 19:37

He is being a dick and you deserve better. You have to confront him.
Did he ever say how/why they broke up?
Is it definitely his child?

Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 18/05/2012 19:40

I have confronted him and he says there is no way he wud go there n thar he hates her for keeping his som from him. There is no misstaking this boy is his as he is a double of my twins. He said they broke up as there relationship was violent and constant arguments and this is the reason she is giving for why she never told him

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 18/05/2012 19:42

I reckon he is definitely shagging her.

Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 18/05/2012 19:46

When ive said he been back late he hasnt been at her house as she lives with her parents and they cant stand my husband coz of there past, they go to the trafford ctr as u can have kids in the fooc bit all night

OP posts:
Nobhead · 18/05/2012 19:48

Agreed ENorma defo shagging her- either way he's being a prized cunt with you OP.

MsPaperbackWriter · 18/05/2012 19:50

He is sleeping with her - why is he spending time with HER otherwise? I'm sorry but you Need to confront him and tell him you won't stand for this.

PissyDust · 18/05/2012 19:50

It really doesn't sound good does it?

Have you asked him why he stays once the child is in bed, I'm assuming the 3 year old isn't staying up till midnight!?

rhondajean · 18/05/2012 19:51

He has to be a father to all three of his children, and a husband to you. That's his commitments. He has to work out how to be civil with his. Ex for the boys sake.

I'm very sorry about your loss of the baby. He's been at least thoughtless - there's a tiny part of me can understand him suddenly having another child and having to deal with that and not being reay to take on a fourth child straight away - but tough really, and he should have been there for you.

You have to out boundaries down. He needs to see the boy - but not to the detriment of your children or your marraige. If he can't accept and understand that, then I think there is something going on.

Very odd out till all hours with a four year old, can't go to her parents, staing overnight in hotels...and I'm not a jealous or suspicious type, I'm actually very relaxed but this would have me climbing the walls.

QuickQuickSloe · 18/05/2012 19:53

In what way was the previous relationship violent?

Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 18/05/2012 19:53

He isnt in bed as he isnt at home they are at the trafford centre, he cant go to her house as she still lives with her parents and they wont have him near the house. He says he is really hyperactive but i know my 2 and they are knackered by 9

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 18/05/2012 19:54

He says that there was alot of arguments and pushing and shuving and eventually came to the point of punches, i have asked his mum about it and she verifys that it is true

OP posts:
kilmuir · 18/05/2012 19:57

so what does he say he is doing until midnight??? come on, tell him how you feel.
He is being very silly to exclude you and his half siblings

rhondajean · 18/05/2012 19:58

Who was punching?

Do you know for definite they are at the Trafford centre or is that what he has told you? Who keeps a four year old in a shopping centre till midnight??

Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 18/05/2012 20:00

Rhondajean. I am not a jealous type either, when i spoke to him earlier he said this is something he gas never done before and will have to learn from his mistakes, which i replied even if the mistakes cost u ur wife and kids, he said he wont let that happen and he will sort set days and times with her

OP posts:
MrsWembley · 18/05/2012 20:03

He'd get a bloody good talking to from me for keeping a 3yr old out that late, without any of the rest of it.Angry

I understand you're upset, hormonal, struggling to cope with twins and a mc but, seriously, strap on a pair and tell him to fucking sort himself out. Or he'll be staying out permanently. Hmm

Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 18/05/2012 20:03

He has just text me now to say that he has been to the park near where we used to live 45mins away and are now on the motorway to the traf ctr. When he comes home he does show me pictures of him and his son which i can obv tell where they are. He says that theyre goin for something to eat.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 18/05/2012 20:04

Rhondajean. It was apparently the pair of them

OP posts:
simperingsally · 18/05/2012 20:05

Im so sorry you are going through this and especially that you had to go through your mc on your own. That in itself speaks volumes that your dh wasn't there for you when you needed him the most.

As the other posters have said 4yo's go to bed at 8-9 at the latest or even before so have you asked him why he needs to stay past the boys bedtime.?

Also yes I totally understand that he has just found out that he has a new son and wants to make up for lost time but he is neglecting his other kids too in the process. Maybe he doesnt realise that he;s doing this but I highly doubt it.

You are not over reacting and please dont let him conince you that you are.

he needs to make arrangements to spend time with his son away from the ex if possible why not have that boy at yours.. get him spend time with his other brothers?(i get this might be a bit difficult for you but that way at least you know where he is)

rhondajean · 18/05/2012 20:09

How many nights is he doing this mummy? Every night?

He does need to see the boy but I don't get why he's keen to spend so much time with a woman he hates.

We could all jump to conclusions but you need to talk to him, he's being terribly unfair.

Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 18/05/2012 20:12

Simperingsally. Thank you for your reply. I have said why do they have him out so late but from what i can gather from friends that know her she has always had him out late before my dh found out about him.

He is having him for the day on sunday on his own for the first time and keeps telling me that he will be speaking to her after that to have him just on his own, he has also asked her if he can take him away for a night on 8th june on his own and she has apparently agreed i cnt help but thin she will be going too, he tells me she isnt and as i know where she lives i could go and check. He as asked this as the weekend before is bank holiday and he says he wants to dedicate it to me and the botys and therefore wont see him that weekend

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 18/05/2012 20:16

Rhondajean. He is going out for couple hours on a weds then usually a sat from 4pm then sunday his son plays football at 9am so he goes there then the park so he gets home round lunchtime. But he has changed it this week to tonight as he says he wants the day and night with me and the boys tomoz, and sunday she is doing a charity run so he has him from 9am for most if the day

OP posts:
fuckarama · 18/05/2012 20:17

Did none of your friends that know her think to mention that she had a wee boy that was your DH's?

Is the Trafford Centre not shut at midnight?