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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is he up to no good?

302 replies

mummytogorguztwinsxx · 18/05/2012 19:25

Hi im new on here and really need some advice. Ive been with my husband for 3.5yrs and married for 1 was our anniversary may 11th. We have gorguz twin boys that are 2.5yrs. Up until the 28th april everything was great with our family, we were even trying for another baby.

The 28th april changed my life forever. My husbands ex partner from 5years ago showed up with his son!! Which he never knew about, his son is 4 in august. Which obviously shows this did not happen whilst we have been together but she did choose to keep his son from him n basically played god with his life.

Anyway since he has found out about him 3 weeks ago he has been spending hours and hours with them n no time at all with his twins, he's been coming home at midnight and even 2am once, they are also constantly txting eaxh other, i understand that he wants to be a dad and do the right thing and i support that, but its the secretive texts n the coming home late, also when he is out with them he wont answer the phone or my txts. They went to bkackpool last sat and he txt me a 9pm to say they were staying over and no matter how much i pleaded with him not to he still did it. The folliwing day he came home and after an hour or so he had a bath, when i asked for his washing there was no boxers, he says he left them at the hotel because they were full of sand from the beach which could be believable, but he h ad them in when he came home.

To top it all off we fouund out i was preg on 8/5 he imnediately told me i had to abort it as it isnt the right. time or situation to bring a baby up, this really really hurt me as it is something we have both wanted for over a year, we decided on monday to keep the baby but unfortunately i had a musscarriage on tuesday but my husband has not been here for me at all, i went to the hospital on my own and got home past midnight on tues, then weds he went straight out from work at 5.30pm with them and returned at midnight, as i am writing this he is out with them he went at 4 and has said he will be back by 12, i dont understand why u would have a 3yr old out that late.

Please could somebody help me am i over reacting? Is he just excited about this new son or is it more about spending more time with her????

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Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 19/05/2012 21:23

Still no sign and no txt since i txt him 1hr ago. Time to face facts i think

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RetroMom · 19/05/2012 21:25

I'm sorry MTGT.

Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 19/05/2012 21:26

Definitely he said she didnt drink much but she drank it fast and it seems to affect her fast. I told him that when he lies or is in the wrong he acts really defensive and tries to turn things round on me like says if i wasnt on his case so much and wasnt nagging so much then maybe he would come home sooner, which think we all know is a load of rubbish. But thats how i know when hes in the wrong or lying

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Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 19/05/2012 21:27

What does mtgt mean sorry not very clued up with short txts

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Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 19/05/2012 21:28

Sorry just got it

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squeakytoy · 19/05/2012 21:28

This is just so completely and utterly unbelievable, that I suppose it must be real.

Confused
Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 19/05/2012 21:30

I know to make a laugh of it jeremy kyle would have a field day, but its not funny as this is actually my life n my kids life just seems ive managed to get a bad one that seriously cant see what he has let alone appreciate

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squeakytoy · 19/05/2012 21:34

I just cannot for the life of me fathom out why you are accepting this. I would have put my foot down on this ridiculous mess from day one. Out till all hours getting pissed together.. that would have only had a chance to happen once in my world. In fact no, things like this just dont really happen in my world thankfully... and believe me I have known some messed up relationships amongst my grown up stepkids and their mates, but nothing quite like this.

Can I ask, how old are you all?

Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 19/05/2012 21:36

Yeah im 29, he is 26 and she is 23. It really is ridiculous 3 weeks ago everything was fantastic and now its my worst nightmare.

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redwineformethanks · 19/05/2012 21:42

Doesn't sound great to me. Understandable that he wants to make up for lost time with his DS, that's fair enough, but no one should go through miscarriage by themselves, whatever the circumstances

Buckingfiatch · 19/05/2012 21:42

It is a complete joke. There is one thing trying to build a relationship with your child, then there is plain stupidity and treating you like a mug whilst also shoving his twins aside. There are better, much much better ways about going about this and I am sorry, but who in their right mind keeps a 4 year old up in a shopping mall till gone 12am? It is not right. It is actually disgusting, and I think an excuse to cover their own backs.

How you have managed to not rip his balls off, I do not know. You deserve better than this. So do your kids. If it was a one off, I could forgive. Especially with any one of the first visits but to do it on a regular basis screams trouble to me. Something just isn't right about this situation.

xMumof3x · 19/05/2012 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 19/05/2012 21:44

I know its been hard i went to my mums tonight and just wanted to break down but i didnt as she will just really worry and she is going away and dont want to ruin that for her

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shinyblackgrape · 19/05/2012 21:44

I wouldn't be having any argument with DH if he ever did this to me.

I wouldn't say a thing tonight. Get up tomorrow and set out explicitly what is reasonable to you and what isn't. Make it explicitly clear that you will be splitting up if he doesnt adhere to this. But you must be willing to follow through on that.

He needs to see his DS, of course, but the way in which he is doing it sounds bonkers. Dragging DS round the Trafford Centre at all hours? Hmm. What kind of parent is he with your children?

Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 19/05/2012 21:49

Well he is a good dad with the playing and the fun stuff but today was the 1st time he dressed them in as long as i can remember but this is how he has always been. I have said to him that if this carries on he will be leaving and if he doesnt believe me to try it and he will find out the hard way. I will definitely leave him as i have to think of our children and my health!

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shinyblackgrape · 19/05/2012 21:53

But would he be dragging your children out at that time of night? He sounds clueless and irresponsible.

if you've said you're leaving, I think you need to follow through here. I would get some legal advice to be honest regarding his access to your children in the event of a split. Obviously he's their father and everyone has different parenting skills but he sounds incapable of caring for them properly when he has access.

thenightsky · 19/05/2012 21:54

What is 'gorguzz'?

RubyGates · 19/05/2012 21:56

To be honest a man who has been in a violent relationship, orders you to get an abortion, isn't there for your miscarriage and is willing to be party to drunken past midnight shenannigans with a 3 year old in tow is not much of a catch.

With or without the ex and the new son you'd probably be better off without him.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/05/2012 21:56

I am sorry, but it seems to me you are about to be dumped, and that he is back with his ex.

You need some legal advice. She lives with her parents, and naturally wants a home for herself and their child.

Your dh has a house, where he lives with his wife and two children.

So, do you own your house, or are you renting? If so, whose name is the lease in? Do you work? Does he work?

You need to think carefully how to play this.

If I was you, I would consider get in there first and preempt him kicking you out and moving her in, by telling him to leave....

Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 19/05/2012 21:57

Gorguz is gorgeous. Ive already told him that he would be seeing our 2 on set days at set times at his mums as i dont trust him to have them on his own, he didnt like it but told him he'd have to deal with it. Like he expects me to deal with his shit

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Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 19/05/2012 21:59

We rent and both our names are on the tenancy. He works i dont. He already knows i will not be leaving and that he will.as i am not prepared to move my kids because of his actions

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shinyblackgrape · 19/05/2012 22:01

Unfortunately, you can't really dictate when and where he sees them if your married or he has parental responsibility.

Therefore, I would get a marker down now and get it on record by way of a solicitor's letter that you have concerns re his parenting and the eel being of your children when in his sole care.

You also need to get advice regarding finances and your right to remain in your property if it's in his sole name.

He sounds a total twunt to be honest

Buckingfiatch · 19/05/2012 22:01

Has he even replied to you yet? That child should definitely be in bed by now. There is no reason/excuse to have him up at this time.

ThatsDope · 19/05/2012 22:03

Whatever he is up it is is he is being totally aand utterly unreasonable in his behaviour & attitude - new son or not. Do NOT accept this.

Original poster
mummytogorguztwinsxx · 19/05/2012 22:03

I need to play the whole thing carefully i need to find out my rights etc

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