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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to object to my MIL sleeping with my son?

147 replies

NotNiceWhenTired · 17/05/2012 21:56

Before you get the wrong idea, my son is 3 mths old. But the issue is I don't agree with children sleeping in their parents bed (unless poorly and need a cuddle, but even then probably returned to their own bed afterwards), so why should it be different for MIL?
The background is that MIL already has a granddaughter. For the first couple of years of her life she lived with MIL, but since MIL's DD moved out with DG (then aged 2), DG has slept with MIL in her bed when MIL babysits.
DG has a suitable bed in the spare room, but MIL sends FIL to sleep there, so she can have DG in her bed. When I recently asked why she has DG sleep with her, she said 'oh, I think it started as we have a TV in our room', and didn't add anything further. And when I said 'what a shame about FIL being sent to the other room', she said he didn't mind. Its very clear that she wants DG there as she wants to be close to her.
Thats fine for them, but recently, she said to my DS 'soon nanny will get to babysit you and you can come sleep in nanny's bed'.
I won't be having my DS sleep in our bed, as I think children should have their own bed and don't want bad habits to set in, so I don't see why it should be different for MIL.
At the moment its easy for me to say my DS is too young, making it dangerous, especially as MIL smokes, but she says she is giving up and I imagine she will expect my DS to stay in her bed when he is past the danger stage.
Am i the only one to think this is weird and wrong, especially without asking me? Or should I just chill out and let nanny do what she wants as it wouldn't be very often.

OP posts:
Shakirasma · 17/05/2012 21:59

YABU and PFB

Flisspaps · 17/05/2012 22:00

Yes, YABU.

LittlePandaBear · 17/05/2012 22:02

YANBU - he's your child, up to you if you don't want him sleeping in her bed.

There's nothing wrong with children sleeping in their own bed! My toddler DD much prefers her bed to ours!

lechatnoir · 17/05/2012 22:03

I'd feel the same as you so no YANBU. My kids have always slept in their own bed do I wouldn't want them hopping in with me, nanny, aunty, uncle etc.

Kerryblue · 17/05/2012 22:04

YANBU

Your ds, your rules.

Especially as she is a smoker Hmm

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/05/2012 22:04

So she wants to share a bed with him when he's not a little baby anymore right?

If she wanted to do it now, I'd be saying YANBU, definatly. What you say goes when he's so little.

But I don't see the harm when he's older. It wouldn't get him into bad habits because it would be just one of those things that only happens at Nannies.

I have lovely memories of sharing a bed with my Granny when I was little and I stayed at hers, or she took me on weekends away to stay with her sisters and their Grandchildren. I am very lucky to have such a close relationship with my Granny because of the time we spent together when I was little. Don't deny your son that for no good reason.

DPrince · 17/05/2012 22:05

My mum always does this with dd(7) when dd stays with her, I don't have an issue. Infact they came to Florida with us and dd slept with mum most nights. Dad loved it, he could watch in bed as long as he wanted without worrying he was disturbing mum. Imo, yabu.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 17/05/2012 22:06

YABU to call sleeping in parents' bed a bad habit. Waking up next to my son is one of the loveliest parts of my day. On the nights he sleeps with us he sleeps happy, secure & cuddled up next to his parents. I can't see anything bad in that!

Each to his own though, Ywouldn'tBU to explain to MIL that you'd rather DS slept in his own bed.

DuelingFanjo · 17/05/2012 22:06

just chill out and don't let him stay overnight.

RightBuggerforit · 17/05/2012 22:06

Yanbu. You're the mum and it's up to you where your baby sleeps. I am personally all for co-sleeping, but only in a safe way (not with a smoker!!). Also babies do need some routine about sleeping and it's not fair to disturb that just because MIL wants to. What's best for baby is more important.

ilovedarthmaul · 17/05/2012 22:06

YANBU - if u dont want her sleeping with him she should respect yr wishes. I agree that it seems weird and i think it is dangerous too.

Kitchentiles · 17/05/2012 22:06

YANBU - if you don't like it, you don't like it. Will she respect your rules though?

squeakytoy · 17/05/2012 22:09

YANBU at all... there is not even any NEED for a child to sleep over away from their parents at a young age unless you are happy with it. Your child, your choices.

DontmindifIdo · 17/05/2012 22:09

YANBU - but YABU if you expect to be able to dictate what happens when she has him overnight, you can only decide she won't have him over night. There's no actual requirement for you to do this, beyond that it might be easier for you. If you can cope without the break, then just don't have him staying over. (this doesn't mean you need to stop her seeing him, just not overnight)

Firawla · 17/05/2012 22:09

Yanbu - you are uncomfy with it and that is up to you. I feel the same and any relatives who were speaking like that, would not be having my dc overnight at all (I do have relatives like this, so its not hypothetical actually)
As he is 3 months its really dangerous anyway especially as she smokes so I would use that angle and then just crack down on this quite firmly if I was you, so that she knows not to raise it in future.
She can do so many other things with him, why does she have to encourage sleeping in her bed?
I find it a bit creepy personally, when people encourage children to sleep in their bed. Different if its the parent and the child is the one who wants to, but an adult asking and encouraging the child to sleep in their bed? no, just comes across wrong

NotAnOstrich · 17/05/2012 22:11

YABU about co-sleeping as an option. (in bed with my DD at the moment so a bit biased!)

YANBU about your MiL obliging you to agree this as the sleeping arrangement at her house if you don't want this for your DS. Your DS, your rules - at least as babies!

Maybe if you want your DS to stay at MIL's you might need to help out by providing a travel cot etc?

Katienana · 17/05/2012 22:11

Yanbu if you don't like it, don't ask her to babysit overnight.

maddening · 17/05/2012 22:12

yanbu - maybe once he is old enough to decide that he wants to then he could but I would think he would be 3 or over to decide himself

Disappearing · 17/05/2012 22:12

I'm feeling conflicted on this one! My DD co-slept with us as a baby, but I wouldn't have wanted her sleeping with just any old family member. I think just see how you feel at the time, as when he's older you may well feel differently.

I have horrible memories of sharing a bed with my mum as a child whenever we went to visit my Gran. There was only one spare bed, it was a double, but still she managed to press her big cold bare bum up against me every night, it still gives me the shudders to think about it now. She still can't see that there was anything wrong with that! And she snored...

No way would my DC be sleeping like that!!

Eglu · 17/05/2012 22:12

YANBU. I have never been a fan of cosleeping, but have ended up doing it with DD (DC3). However I would not encourage other family members to do it.

She does not need to have your DC overnight if she doesn't want to follow your rules.

hairylemon · 17/05/2012 22:13

Yabu, she sounds lovely. It won't do any harm. Is there a hint of jealousy perhaps? Mil wants to do something you'd actually like to do but feel you'd make that infamous rod for your own back?

sandyboots · 17/05/2012 22:14

YANBU

Flisspaps · 17/05/2012 22:14

Ah, I missed her being a smoker. Not good for co-sleeping - YANBU.

usualsuspect · 17/05/2012 22:18

YABU ,all my grandchildren have slept in my bed with me.

And I will scream if one more person posts ' your child your rules'

Sarcalogos · 17/05/2012 22:19

Yanbu, if it makes you uncomfortable don't allow it.

(I suspect you would have got more replies like this if you had been more subtle about your dislike of co sleeping in general....)