AIBU to object to my MIL sleeping with my son?

[NotNiceWhenTired]

Before you get the wrong idea, my son is 3 mths old. But the issue is I don't agree with children sleeping in their parents bed (unless poorly and need a cuddle, but even then probably returned to their own bed afterwards), so why should it be different for MIL?
The background is that MIL already has a granddaughter. For the first couple of years of her life she lived with MIL, but since MIL's DD moved out with DG (then aged 2), DG has slept with MIL in her bed when MIL babysits.
DG has a suitable bed in the spare room, but MIL sends FIL to sleep there, so she can have DG in her bed. When I recently asked why she has DG sleep with her, she said 'oh, I think it started as we have a TV in our room', and didn't add anything further. And when I said 'what a shame about FIL being sent to the other room', she said he didn't mind. Its very clear that she wants DG there as she wants to be close to her.
Thats fine for them, but recently, she said to my DS 'soon nanny will get to babysit you and you can come sleep in nanny's bed'.
I won't be having my DS sleep in our bed, as I think children should have their own bed and don't want bad habits to set in, so I don't see why it should be different for MIL.
At the moment its easy for me to say my DS is too young, making it dangerous, especially as MIL smokes, but she says she is giving up and I imagine she will expect my DS to stay in her bed when he is past the danger stage.
Am i the only one to think this is weird and wrong, especially without asking me? Or should I just chill out and let nanny do what she wants as it wouldn't be very often.

DF, your child is still very young. Now my DS is older, he does stay at my parents occasionally - because it means I can have a night out once a year.

I wouldn't have wanted to be parted from him at that age but now, it's quite nice every now and then :)

OP - I think this is likely to be so far off that I wouldn't worry about it. Your DS might not want to sleep with her.

My DS quite often prefers to sleep with my mum rather than me when we go and stay there because she's 'cuddlier' than I am :o

I don't have a problem with co-sleeping. Did it with all 3 of mine at various times. But I think this is different - it;s not her baby so it's not her choice to make.

When he's older it's not about whether or not you need a babysitter, but at whether you are happy for him to have time with his grandmother (the overnight stay being for his benefit rather than yours).

I think yanbu to not want him staying at this age.

I think YABU to object to Dgm doing things her way. He won't get into "bad habits" on the basis of doing something different at her house.

And yabu also to describe co sleeping as a bad habit and as if is something weird.

Pooka

He won't get into "bad habits" on the basis of doing something different at her house.

I agree that co sleeping isnt neccasarily a " bad habit" thats down to ops choice. However I strongly disagree about children getting into bad habits, depends on child and GP's but three times a month for 8 hours a day and my DD was coming home expressing the views of GM< and her OCD cleaning issues, she litrally had to be re programmed back at home where we do things in a very very different mannre to german hausfrau!

I would have found it strange if my MIL or my Mum wanted my DDs to share a bed with them. I've nothing against co-sleeping but just couldn't do it myself although they did come into our bed if they were ill. All 3 DDs stayed overnight with MIL and my parents they always had a great time but slept in their own bed.

I'm a co-sleeping fan, my DS still pops in with me now and again - he's 14

Fair enough elizaregina. Mine have always snapped back into home rules about bedtimes/food and so on. Can see that odd cleaning is not so much a habit as a philosophy!

Incidentally, next time your dd comes back, just send her round here first, if that's ok? House could do with a hausfrau now and then. :)

Did nobody else do this as a child? I can remember going to stay with my grandma and always slept in her bed, it was a huge treat. I used to fell so safe with her beside me. (And she was a smoker).

I am not a big fan of my mil but she loves her dgcs and they love her, I would have no problem with them sharing her bed, the more people who love your children the happier they will be.

I find this idea that children 'belong' to you and you get to make all the rules really odd. They are part of their family and of a wider world, your job is just to raise them, they are not possessions.

I did Gobbler, not with my grandma but with my closest aunt! some of the OPs arguements don't wash because it's a nice treat when visiting and didn't stop me being happy in my own bed when I went home.

I'd get in for a story and not want to leave!

if you keep your routine at home then when you go to visit or travel and break that routine, it's easy to snap back into the home routine when you're at home!

if i coslept with dd then id be happy for her to cosleep with gps but as i dont cosleep i wouldnt be happy for anyone else to, until dd is old enough to ask can she share gps bed, then yes no problem if they are ok with it.

YABU. I always slept in my granny's bed when I was younger, and tbh, if I were at her house staying without DH, I probably still would! It's a lovely thing to do, and the bond between a grandparent/child is so special. I don't see what the issue is. It certainly never meant I didn't want to stay in my own bed when I went home after the weekend.

granny is supposed to bend the rules a LITTLE, like a few sweets before meals, a pocket money "top up", an extra bedtime story etc

that's all part of the granny experience surely?

they've been the bad cop when they raised their own children and now they are enjoying just doing the nice things! as i'm sure we'ld like to when we have grandchildren!

if you can remember it then you were older than the baby in the OP by many years!

my granny used to smoke in bed beside me

My grandparents were too old/ill to really look after us alone for long periods of time (although they were only 60/63 when I was born) so pretty sure we never shared a bed. In fact I can only remember one occasion when we slept at their house. Maybe the fact that my brother and I were grandchildren nos 12 & 13 out of 16 had something to do with it - the older ones had worn them out!
Anyway I still had lots of fun times with my grandparents and have very fond and loving memories of them both. Grandad was great at playing, taking us for walks and telling stories and when I got older I used to love chatting with Nana on the phone most days. Spending time together - essential for building a loving relationship with grandparents. Sharing a bed - not essential.
For the record I am pg with my 1st and I don't plan on anyone having him/her overnight until at least 6 months, I am not against co sleeping but don't plan to do it, and would prefer my baby sleeps in their cot or moses basket than in bed with adults. When older then if child wanted to share a bed that would be fine but I still think my DH and I should get the final say.
(FWIW I can remember Nana and Grandad constantly offering food to us, if mum wasn't there we would take it but if she was we would check first. Nana was never happy until she had seen you eat something whether it was a Twirl or a piece of melon!)

and... I don't think it's true that granny has to bend the 'rules' - it's quite rude isn't it if a parent expressly tells you 'please, we are asking you not to...' and then granny decides to just do it anyway.

"and... I don't think it's true that granny has to bend the 'rules' - it's quite rude isn't it if a parent expressly tells you 'please, we are asking you not to...' and then granny decides to just do it anyway"

yes, but as a parent there should be rules that are never to be comprimised, and other rules which you stick to at home but bend in other people's houses - I think you should pick your battles with GPs, some things you cannot turn a blind eye to, but other things are nice GP treats and you should let go IMO

We run a fruit shoot free house for example , but his GM gets them in specially for him (because his other cousins like them, and to be fair he does too when he gets his hands on them) - I think they are VILE and should be banned, but am happy for DS to be spoilt in his GMs house, I accept that when he goes there things are a bit different, and he never expects them at home or when out and about with DH or I so it's not giving him a bad habit - just a dose of crap but since we think he eats healthy at home I'm sure it wont make much differenc!

Usually I d say that if you don't want her bedsharing with your DS don't let him stay over (I'm totally pro safe bedsharing) but the smoking would be a big problem and you don't really seem to want him to stay over yet anyway (also more than understandable).

also agree re the age thing, I wouldn't leave DS overnight at that age

Can't believe some people think YABU! he's your son so she should respect what you say.

Woweee... I am speechless and can only add blimey

Pooka

I wouldnt mind a german hausfrau either once in a while but DD comes back gettting very very upset and stressed over a tiny gravey speck on her top - wanting to be changed immedialty etc. not things I want my children to get upset over!

I am sure ops MIL will bend other rules as she goes along and op may or may not turn a blind eye, but sharing a bed is quite a big thing really....it should be ops decison.

I posted a while back about my DD telling me MIL got into baths with her! I was shocked, posted and got same sort of responses.