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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to object to my MIL sleeping with my son?

147 replies

NotNiceWhenTired · 17/05/2012 21:56

Before you get the wrong idea, my son is 3 mths old. But the issue is I don't agree with children sleeping in their parents bed (unless poorly and need a cuddle, but even then probably returned to their own bed afterwards), so why should it be different for MIL?
The background is that MIL already has a granddaughter. For the first couple of years of her life she lived with MIL, but since MIL's DD moved out with DG (then aged 2), DG has slept with MIL in her bed when MIL babysits.
DG has a suitable bed in the spare room, but MIL sends FIL to sleep there, so she can have DG in her bed. When I recently asked why she has DG sleep with her, she said 'oh, I think it started as we have a TV in our room', and didn't add anything further. And when I said 'what a shame about FIL being sent to the other room', she said he didn't mind. Its very clear that she wants DG there as she wants to be close to her.
Thats fine for them, but recently, she said to my DS 'soon nanny will get to babysit you and you can come sleep in nanny's bed'.
I won't be having my DS sleep in our bed, as I think children should have their own bed and don't want bad habits to set in, so I don't see why it should be different for MIL.
At the moment its easy for me to say my DS is too young, making it dangerous, especially as MIL smokes, but she says she is giving up and I imagine she will expect my DS to stay in her bed when he is past the danger stage.
Am i the only one to think this is weird and wrong, especially without asking me? Or should I just chill out and let nanny do what she wants as it wouldn't be very often.

OP posts:

SusanneLinder · 18/05/2012 13:23

Hmmm. I am a GP, and I havent co slept with my DGS, mainly cos he is a wriggly little bugger :o. DH and I did take him into bed, but he spent his time poking us in the eye and giggling :o.Doesn't mean I won't when he is older though,if he wants to.

Being a smoker and co sleeping with a small baby is a no no. I have spoken to my DD about what we are and are not allowed to do. I wouldn't go against her fundamental wishes of parenting (which to be fair are pretty similar to my own, as I still have a fairly young child and am a young(ish) GP).

But DD accepts that we are there to spoil him a bit, so he does get the odd treat, bit of chocolate and that's fine cos he doesn't generally get it at home. He also may have a slightly later bedtime-unless completely knackered-than he would at home, cos that's the fun of babysitting. And DD accepts this in return for a night out with her DH/time to herself.

She gets the better end of the deal cos when she babysits her younger sister, she is old enough to help with her nephew, but not old enough to be left alone for long periods :o

I think the waffly point I am trying to make is, speak to your MIL about what you find important eg the co sleeping with a young baby and the smoking, and don't sweat the small stuff. And accept that GP's are going to do something slightly different to you. As I said,its the payoff that you get for a night out.

HarlotOTara · 18/05/2012 13:30

I always slept with my grandmother when I stayed with her as a child and wanted to. have lovely memories of her and sleeping in her bed is part of that. My dds used to do the same with my mum when they stayed - part of the novelty of staying really. I suppose the issue is about intimacy really

bettybat · 18/05/2012 13:59

I think you are being unreasonable about being so woefully misinformed about co-sleeping being a bad habit. There are many benefits to it - and not just to the baby. Maybe you ought to just try doing a bit of research into it so you can make a fully informed decision, or at least not make such ignorant, sweeping statements about it?

Obviously the smoking is a massive NO NO but your reasons smack of ignorance. Using emotive language like weird and wrong, when you are talking about grandparents, is pretty off. These are your husband's parents you are talking about - they do not have nefarious and sinister designs on your baby. They do not have weird reasons for doing it - and I'm not sure exactly what you're implying with the weird there but if a family member spoke about me in such a way I would be very hurt and disturbed by what you meant exactly.

As much as I don't agree with you, however, you are not unreasonable for having your own opinion. If I were you, I suggest stop seeing it as a weird thing for your MIL to want to do, speak to her like an adult an explain your reasons that you prefer your son to go in a cot if/when he stays over.

MissFaversham · 18/05/2012 14:06

Genuine question here.

What's the thing about co-sleeping with a smoker? Unless they're lying there puffing away in bed?

Or does some sort of bad chemical ooze from their bodies whilst sleeping?

SarryB · 18/05/2012 14:12

YANBU - I agree that children should have their own bed, and seeing how you don't let your baby share your bed, your MIL shouldn't be any different.

foreverondiet · 18/05/2012 14:12

YANBU especially as she's a smoker.

Maybe say only once he's over a year due to cot death risk due to her smoking?

After one don't really see the problem - neither DS1 (6) or DD (8) would agree to sharing a bed with their grandma so probably only possible for few years.

bettybat · 18/05/2012 14:15

I believe the thinking is to do with toxin levels that linger in the smoker's lungs that are only really exhaled during the breathing done during deep sleep. If a baby is then breathing in those toxins, it can be susceptible to apnea or a higher risk of SIDS. That's mostly what I've read about it anyway.

I think also it's just not nice as all that smell and nicotine stays on the smoker for hours and so the baby would be picking all of that up. But that's true of that happening at any point during the day!

SpringHeeledJack · 18/05/2012 14:21

haven't read thread as don't have time

BUT

think you're being a bit pfb- assuming she means when ds is bigger, of course

don't know if this has been pointed out already, but surely ds will end up deciding where he wants to sleep at Nana's? say if she snores, he'll prob decide he wants to sleep in his own room. Otoh, if he likes sharing with Nana, then that's what he'll do

ime, grandchildren do whatever they damn well like at grandparents' houses. None of this your child your rules/her house her rules malarkey- it's GS rules that'll count

DueinSeptember · 18/05/2012 14:38

He's only three months old, he doesn't need to be away overnight or even away from you in the daytime yet. Even when he's older it's up to you and his Dad. It's not MIL's job to pressure you into letting him stay with her. YANBU.

thebody · 18/05/2012 15:04

Some people find the act of having children in their bed flesh crawling.

Personally all of my 4 somehow crept into our bed at various times and now youngest is 10 it's the bloody cat between us. ( much nicer as doesn't talk)

If your mil is kind enough to babysit overnight for you when u ask her too then it's up to her how things are.

If u r not happy with the co fleeing then don't ask her too

Personally for me the smoke In The house and environment would be far more if an issue as HATE smoking.

ShakeWhatYourMamaGaveYou · 18/05/2012 16:09

I'm frankly staggered that at least 3 people on here have said ludicrous things like if you want to control every aspect of someones life, get a dog and babies don't belong to you, some people have a hard time excepting babies aren't their possession

This is a 3 month old baby ffs not a teenager!!! Actually you do have to pretty much control everything that a 3 month old does as they clearly can't do it themselves.

ShakeWhatYourMamaGaveYou · 18/05/2012 16:13

This is a 3 month old baby ffs not a teenager!!! Actually you do have to pretty much control everything that a 3 month old does as they clearly can't do it themselves.

porcamiseria · 18/05/2012 16:20

i can see why you feel like this. no overnights stays for a while if I were you!

DontmindifIdo · 18/05/2012 18:04

My DS is 2, he has never stayed over night at my parent's house without me being there, and he's only stayed at MILs while we went to a wedding, I can honestly say if we didn't have that wedding to go to then he wouldn't have stayed over at all. However, he has an excellent relationship with both Grannies and sees both regularly.

The idea that you should 'share' your DS like he's some sort of toy is odd, why does a child need to sleep at a different house? How does that equate to stopping a good relationship with grandmother when surely the quality Grandparent time is when the Grandchild is awake?

I agree a baby isn't your possession, but then they aren't a community one either, they are little people who have parents who's job it is to make sure they are well looked after, that might include handing them over to a grandparent, but that doesn't mean it has to. Some people need a lot of support to help raise their DCs from extended family, but a lot don't - the OP doesn't want a lot of time away from her DS, there's nothing wrong with that.

KatieScarlett2833 · 18/05/2012 18:10

I always cuddled in with my Granny and Papa when I stayed with them. My DC when younger would usually find their way into bed with DH and I at some point during the night. We just bought a mahoosive bed....

I would be gutted to think my potential DIL would be horrified to know my potential grandchild slept in beside us. But I would respect her decision

Trestle · 18/05/2012 20:15

YANBU. She should respect your wishes.

Choufleur · 18/05/2012 20:22

If you don't like it don't ask her to babysit then.

My DS is gutted that he can no longer sleep at my DM's as she is very poorly. When he was little he used to share her bed and then more recently slept in his own room but usually ended up in bed with her at some point in the night.

Grandparents usually get to do some things that parents don't do as it can be seen as a treat/not the norm.

everlong · 18/05/2012 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hopefullyrecovering · 18/05/2012 20:44

I love my DCs sleeping in my bed and always have done. They are 12 and 14 now :) The 14 YO is too grown up to share but I have the 12 YO in there as often as I possibly can. I perfectly understand GPs wanting to do the same. And why not, I say? Why ever not? Is lovely.

So, a long-winded YABU

seeker · 19/05/2012 00:05

Well, I've just tried to go to bed, to discover 11 year old ds and dp cuddled up together.pausing only to take q quick photograph for blackmail purposes, I got into ds's bed.

Rathen · 19/05/2012 00:40

YANBU. Your MIL has clearly become used to this as standard behaviour and while her own DD seems not to take issue with it, you do. Having your own option is not a crime. If your not happy or comfortable with something, why shouldn't you speak out.

isitmidnightalready · 19/05/2012 01:48

YANBU. You choose what happens with your child overnight - it is not her choice. We co-slept with our 3 DC until about 15 months, and all the kids would happily come back to bed with us given the chance, but I would draw the line at the DCs sleeping with anyone else who is not their age group (eg cousins / friends).

Probably ok to crawl in there inthe morning though. IMO.

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