Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to object to my MIL sleeping with my son?

147 replies

NotNiceWhenTired · 17/05/2012 21:56

Before you get the wrong idea, my son is 3 mths old. But the issue is I don't agree with children sleeping in their parents bed (unless poorly and need a cuddle, but even then probably returned to their own bed afterwards), so why should it be different for MIL?
The background is that MIL already has a granddaughter. For the first couple of years of her life she lived with MIL, but since MIL's DD moved out with DG (then aged 2), DG has slept with MIL in her bed when MIL babysits.
DG has a suitable bed in the spare room, but MIL sends FIL to sleep there, so she can have DG in her bed. When I recently asked why she has DG sleep with her, she said 'oh, I think it started as we have a TV in our room', and didn't add anything further. And when I said 'what a shame about FIL being sent to the other room', she said he didn't mind. Its very clear that she wants DG there as she wants to be close to her.
Thats fine for them, but recently, she said to my DS 'soon nanny will get to babysit you and you can come sleep in nanny's bed'.
I won't be having my DS sleep in our bed, as I think children should have their own bed and don't want bad habits to set in, so I don't see why it should be different for MIL.
At the moment its easy for me to say my DS is too young, making it dangerous, especially as MIL smokes, but she says she is giving up and I imagine she will expect my DS to stay in her bed when he is past the danger stage.
Am i the only one to think this is weird and wrong, especially without asking me? Or should I just chill out and let nanny do what she wants as it wouldn't be very often.

OP posts:
Noqontrol · 17/05/2012 23:40

Well, YANBU but my mil does the same. She doesn't see the kids very often so I guess I have to accept that. I guess it's ok, well it's not, but it's tight of me to say it is as I have no valid reason to complain. It's their relationship after all, not mine. They are 2 and 4.

Softlysoftly · 17/05/2012 23:43

Why seeker because you might have to compromise to a DILs parenting wishes? How terrible.

I don't think the op gave the impression at all that she didn't like or get on with her mil, this would be the same regardless of who it was.

CrispyCod · 17/05/2012 23:47

So if granny decides to feed the child fruit shoots or Greggs sausage rolls it's ok because it's their relationship Hmm. IMO the choices the child's mother makes should be respected.

MrsAmaretto · 17/05/2012 23:48

YANBU. I wouldn't want any family member sleeping with my ds. I'm quite happy for him to choose to go in & see them in their bed in the morning and snuggle under the duvet & chat etc. but I can't see why he would need to sleep overnight in their bed?

I too have horrible memories of my mother cold arse Sad Wink

Moominsarescary · 17/05/2012 23:49

I have 3 sons, if they asked me not to co sleep with their children or anything else for that matter I would respect their wishes.

my2centsis · 17/05/2012 23:50

Meh dd sleeps with my mum when she stays (she's 4) dd LOVES it and looks foward to it. They watch movies in bed with dollys before they go to sleep. I don't have an issue with it at all.

And I think you never letting your ds stay over when he's older is mean

ThreadWatcher · 17/05/2012 23:53

Ive been thinking how this thread might be different if the situation were reversed.

Say the op was very keen on co sleeping/attachment parenting and the grandmother was keen on strict routine - would people on this thread agree that when at the grandmothers home the child should be cared for with a strict routine against the mothers wishes/instincts?

So Im going to stick with my "your child, your rules" opinion.

Sophisticatedknickers · 17/05/2012 23:55

YANBU. Your MIL sounds a bit strange to me (needy rather than pervy). Sharing a bed out of necessity (not enough room/ child is poorly) is one thing but kicking your husband out to make room for the grandchild is another.
If you're not happy with it then put your foot down and say no.

seeker · 17/05/2012 23:55

A fruit shoot and a greggs sausage roll once a week with grandma is a fantastic idea! Parents can then be all serious about the healthy eating stuff, knowing that the children will get their once a week junk fix with granny. What's not to like?

MoonlightandRoses · 17/05/2012 23:56

Actually, as long as the routine at grandmother's was fair, then yes, I wouldn't have a problem with it being different to home. If the small child was stressed by it however, that would be another matter.

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 18/05/2012 00:07

Part of me think YABU (children do learn that different houses have different rules) but part of my thinks YANBU (your children, your rules)

When my 2 sleep at my Mums house, they quite often end up in her bed, much like they end up in mine when they are at my house, so the issue of co-sleeping has never arisen. If I was anti-co-sleeping I don't know what we would have done!
But there are things my Mum lets them do that I don't (like jump on her bed) and they understand that they can do it at Grandmas but not at home.

Hmmm, tricky one I'd say. Actually it's easy as she is a smoker, if she gave up however...

Softlysoftly · 18/05/2012 00:07

Well I shall rescind my instructions to mil law. We have a brilliant relationship but I had to discuss with her from 6 months that she was not under any circumstances to force feed DD.

She has needed a gentle reminder every now and again as I caught her holding dd and stuffing rice balls in her mouth before allowing her to continue playing. But hey that's their own special relationship right, its something she does due to a loss in the past that gives her (mil) comfort so I should allow this, I in fact should butt out.

Morloth · 18/05/2012 00:13

DS2 often ends up in bed with the inlaws when he stays, DS1 used to but is almost 8 now so doesn't tend to need comforting in the night.

I don't mind, I much prefer the thought of him snuggled up with them content and safe and happy, than them being up with him trying to settle him.

I trust them completely, they adore my boys as much as I do. The kids are as safe as can be so whatever they do is pretty much fine with me. If I didn't trust them and felt I had to leave instructions/rules I wouldn't leave my kids there.

We don't worry too much about where people sleep though, as long as everyone does sleep.

pressingbuttons · 18/05/2012 00:16

YANBU and YABU.... There are two issues here...

1.With regards the co-sleeping; if she smokes; absolute no no and if you prefer your DS at this stage to not co-sleep that is your call but remember if you allow family to babysit -there is a point at which you need to 'let go' a little...not completely there will always be some things that are 'non negotiable' and that's ok too.

2.There's a fine line between 'your child; your rules' and balancing out and allowing the natural development of relationships between your baby and other family members. Saying you're 'an older mum' does not explain or justify why you feel no need to share your baby. It's selfish and is more about control and could stop your baby from developing a bond/relationship with anyone else. It doesn't detract from your relationship with him and it's not about giving in to please her...it's about you 'chilling out' and realising to share him is not to lose control over him and it's healthy!

I am speaking from experience and finding that balance between allowing others to make decisions and 'look after your baby' and you being 'mum' is always tricky; particularly as a first time mum but time does relax the issues. Good luck.

robusta · 18/05/2012 00:22

My MIL has a slightly freaky desire to have dd (6) sleep with her when we go and stay. I try to put my feelings aside and think if dd's happy to share with Nana then no harm can be done.

titfortat · 18/05/2012 00:24

Personally, I don't see a problem with DC sharing the same bed with a Grandparent.

What I do find odd, is that she purposely kicks her Husband out into the spare room to do this.

I have never co slept at home. But when visiting family, I have. And allowed Grandparents to co sleep when there is limited bed space.

But when they have the bed space, it is a bit strange in my opinion if it is not needed to co sleep.

But to keep DC from staying at their Grandparents just for this reason, when there is no real reason to be concerned, is not right.

titfortat · 18/05/2012 00:26

Also completely agree with pressingbuttons.

FoxyRoxy · 18/05/2012 00:28

It's a no-no as she smokes. When he's older he might not want to sleep in with granny, what about that? Surely it's his decision? If he knows his cousin sleeps in with granny he might want to too, alternatively he might relish his own space and want to sleep on his own. What then, will she force him to share her bed? I doubt it!

And generally yes, the parents make the rules not the grandparents. If I don't want my son to have fizzy pop it's not up to my mum to decide otherwise. I think the same goes for any other parenting decisions unless the child is in danger.

Noqontrol · 18/05/2012 00:29

Oh, well my mil feeds the kids fruit shoots and gregs sausage rolls too. As well as those horrible little cola bottle sweets, and marshmallows, and lots of other gross things. I've learnt to live with it. They don't see each other that often and I don't suppose it's going to cause life long physical damage.

Noqontrol · 18/05/2012 00:31

Oh and my mil kicks her husband out of bed so she can share with the kids too. But I do kind of get it these days. They are her grand kids and they all seem happy with the situation. I guess life's too short to worry about it so much.

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 18/05/2012 00:32

When my 2 were younger my step Dad would quite often end up in the spare bed when they were there. However this was his choice, my Mum wouldn't have dreamed of 'kicking him out' of his own bed!

ShakeWhatYourMamaGaveYou · 18/05/2012 01:55

YANBU.
usualsuspect why are you annoyed at 'your child your rules' Do you not think that parents should be the ones making decisions about their own children?
I am not a grandparent but I would like to think when i am I will respect the parents preferences and choices, unless of course they were dangerous.

Byecklove · 18/05/2012 02:15

YABveryU about co-sleeping. Another co-sleeper here, both sons have been in my bed until the age of one and now love going to bed in their own beds. No issues transitioning, very secure, sleep all night. DD is currently next to me. They've been inside us for 9 months, doesn't it follow that they need to be close?

YANBU about letting MIL sleep with DS. Absolutely no way would I let a smoker sleep near any of mine. If that's not the reason you're hesitant (which I suspect is the case) then welcome to the fine art of balancing what you think should happen with being diplomatic. Trust your instincts but remember that some of these people have raised their own children and might be able to teach you something.

ShakeWhatYourMamaGaveYou · 18/05/2012 05:14

@seeker I agree with softlysoftly, seems a little controlling extreme that you'd rather your son to be single and childless than have a DIL who makes parenting choices that might differ from yours.

Grandparents can/should have an important, active and very close relationship with grandchildren - but they don't share a bed with them for this to happen. I'm sure there are other ways she can feel close and special which OP could encourage.

Original poster
NotNiceWhenTired · 18/05/2012 05:23

Thanks everyone. There are a lot of good views on here that I will take into account. I may reconsider if she gives up smoking and he's a bit older.
Pressingbuttons - I disagree with your viewpoint though. If wanting to spend this precious time with MY son is selfish, then so be it. That's why I had him afterall. We do visit relatives regularly and when I have a need for someone to babysit, I will ask, so I'm not sure how this makes me controlling.
I refer to being an older mum to explain that I don't wish to go out partying etc and would rather stay at home with DS. If I had someone babysit for no reason I would be sitting at home wondering what to do with myself (DH works mostly in evenings) and would miss him terribly, so i don't see the point. I love being a mum and having him around.
I'm sure my DS can build relationships with extended family and friends without the need to stay overnight.

I suspect there is a reason you call yourself 'pressingbuttons'!

OP posts: