AIBU to object to my MIL sleeping with my son?

[NotNiceWhenTired]

Before you get the wrong idea, my son is 3 mths old. But the issue is I don't agree with children sleeping in their parents bed (unless poorly and need a cuddle, but even then probably returned to their own bed afterwards), so why should it be different for MIL?
The background is that MIL already has a granddaughter. For the first couple of years of her life she lived with MIL, but since MIL's DD moved out with DG (then aged 2), DG has slept with MIL in her bed when MIL babysits.
DG has a suitable bed in the spare room, but MIL sends FIL to sleep there, so she can have DG in her bed. When I recently asked why she has DG sleep with her, she said 'oh, I think it started as we have a TV in our room', and didn't add anything further. And when I said 'what a shame about FIL being sent to the other room', she said he didn't mind. Its very clear that she wants DG there as she wants to be close to her.
Thats fine for them, but recently, she said to my DS 'soon nanny will get to babysit you and you can come sleep in nanny's bed'.
I won't be having my DS sleep in our bed, as I think children should have their own bed and don't want bad habits to set in, so I don't see why it should be different for MIL.
At the moment its easy for me to say my DS is too young, making it dangerous, especially as MIL smokes, but she says she is giving up and I imagine she will expect my DS to stay in her bed when he is past the danger stage.
Am i the only one to think this is weird and wrong, especially without asking me? Or should I just chill out and let nanny do what she wants as it wouldn't be very often.

Your choice OP, but on the 'kicking her husband out' side of things, maybe she's doing that on purpose, using DGS as a way to get a better nights sleep...

On weds night DD moved herself to my bed. DH put himself in the spare room and I slept like a baby. Last night she stayed put and I've had the worst nights sleep - rolling around, snoring, snaking his lips and farting.

Tonight I'll be persuading DD to move beds again!

Ack - DH was rolling around and snoring etc - missed out a 'He was'

I'm a bit at the initial YABU responses. At the moment YADNBU - it's dangerous IMO.

Once DC gets to age 2-3 you may find it harder to argue, especially if it's overnight and the alternative is MIL sitting in with him and getting no sleep or something. I think you could nip any 'But I do at grandma's' type arguments in the bud if he protests once home again. In no situation should he start off in her bed or be taken there unnecessarily though...

You may find anyway you change yr mind... I always was a bit militant on this subject but our DS was a bit unsettled after we moved and had a baby and would wake a couple of times in the night for several months - we took him in just to get some sleep!! Now he's used to his room he stays there most nights.

YABU about calling co-sleeping a bad habit

YANBU about expecting that she doesn't assume all sorts of things and that you should be able to make decisions for your own child.

YABU about thinking that children can't tell the difference between granny's rules and mummy's rules and knowing what they should/shouldn't/can/cannot do in different houses.

YABU about not letting a loving granny have some leeway in doing something that isn't abusive/harmful/whatever that might help them to have a special relationship that will enrich their lives

I do think though that granny's that love GC are a gigantic blessing for families and if granny is otherwise fairly non-obnoxious that you should encourage her to love on her GC and let her spoil your DC a little.

Oh and YANBU about being wary of a smoker sharing a bed with your child IMO

I'm a bit at the initial YABU responses.

Yeah, me too. There are as many reasons not to co-sleep as there are to co-sleep. At the end of the day, parents have to make the choice that is right for them. The OP has done this and everyone should respect that.

Notnice, having granny babysit is good for your child though. It teaches so well that people are different and different is not bad. It helps so many kids feel more secure because they know that many people can love and care for them, it is that whole cliched 'village'. My kids are older, but they have been so comforted that they have so many people that care about them and can care for them. It also really strengthens the bond when kids are a bit older for GPs to have GCs for short periods without the parents around.

It really helped when I have been sick or have needed to be away when they are older because they know that there are plenty of people who will take care of them. When my eldest was one I got very ill and had to be hospitalised. My husband could not take time off work without risking his job so my parents came and took him for a week. It was really hard for me, but my son did really well because he was used to staying with grandma for a sleepover once in a while and this was like a long sleepover.

When my eldest was four a friend of ours died and left two kids and a wife behind. All of a sudden my son was scared of mummy and daddy dying. Where would he go? Who would tuck him in and feed him and take him to preschool? I was able to list the good friends who would take over and look after them until our families could come and he knew he could rely on them because they had done those things for him before.

YABU but I was too when I had my first as well.
I wanted to dictate everything about dd's routine etc even when she was with mil or my parents.
The posters that say it becomes one of those things that happens at nanny's are absolutely right. I have 3 dc now and they all know that there are things that happens at grandparents that don't happen at home.
And tbh it's nice to have those things. They are usually the little fun things that mum says no to and they get spoilt a bit.
Right now it's hard for you to see because your ds is still so tiny but honestly let him have those special times with Nanny he will remember them forever. I have great memories of my Gran and the things we used to do together.

Co-sleeping can be dangerous especially with someone that is a smoker.
I wouldn't let her have him overnight unless she were to put him in a cot, make your feelings clear and if she cannot follow them then keep him with you at night.

My son is 6. when he stays at my in laws he sleeps in their bed with my father in law. Granny is kicked into the spare room. It was a set up born out of necessity as their rooms are at opposite ends of their house. he used to sleep in a cot in their room but from about 2 would be in with fil. Now its just what they do. fil isn't needy or strange.

As long as your mil isn't talking about having him in with her as a baby I don't see the problem. I think you are being pfb.

. Nurture and support your lo's relationships with other people. your child your rules makes me cringe. They aren't possessions. Other people are perfectly capable of meeting their needs.

I think some people find this hard to accept.

Am also at your age having anything to do with needing a break.

I didn't have any GP myself, they had all passed away before I was born. My two DDs (8 and 3) lost the last of their GPs when their beloved GF died in January. My parents died first, my girls didn't know them at all.

I was often a bit PFB with my regarding my DD1 and MIL. She did stay overnight with them as she got older though. She can remember snuggling up to nan and grandad singing to her before she went to sleep - songs he used to sing to DH. My DD2 missed out on this as she was a bit young for sleepovers.

I just wish I had this dilemma now. MILs don't always agree with us, but grannys and grandads are such precious precious people. Please give your DS space to experience this whilst he can.

YANBU!

I have co slept with all 3 dc on and off. We often co sleep with our now 1yr old, but I wouldn't be at all happy about her sleeping in someone elses bed at this age, especially a smoker.

Very recently a colleague had a terrible death in the family when the father of a 6month old baby rolled on & suffocated him while co sleeping. Absolutely devastating.

Dc3 hasn't slept with at grandparents house yet, but may do when she's around 2. It should always be your decision when & how dc sleep at grandparents.

Well I co slept with both of mine but I wouldn't want anyone else to. Possibly because I slept on the edge of the bed and never moved a muscle and I would not be confident that anyone else would do the same.

However, I would not expect anyone, no matter who they are, to 'overule' a fairly fundamental parenting choice. I firmly believe that grandparents should be allowed to spoil their children if they choose and give them all the crap to eat that I don't but I truly hope that if I am ever a grandmother, that I will allow my DIL to make her own choices.

Sorry that was meant to say don't have to share a bed

"I don't actually want MIL to babysit overnight as i am an older mum who is loving being with her son and has no need for a babysitter but MIL has been on about it since before DS was born. I have recently explained that i don't have the need for a babysitter but she told my DH that she thinks i think she's not good enough, which is not the case at all. I suspect that eventually I shall have to give in to keep the peace, especially as DH is always keen to please her. "

I an totally relate to this and I DO think for some people age has a lot to do with it. I don't see a time in the next few years where I would require anyone to look after my son overnight, I am over my partying lifestyle and feel that I would rather be with my son myself plus I am definitely not going to be letting him do sleep overs at various family houses just to satisfy their 'needs'. My needs and my son's needs are more important and until he can ask me to let him stay overnight I won't be doing it. Then again I am lucky that no one in my family would make this kind of request. I think grandparents, aunts and uncles can bond just fine with my child without having them overnight.

Yoiks at Seeker already judging potential DILs!

Dueling and OP; age has nothing to do with it. I am a 'older mother' and love nothing more than see how excited my kids (4 and 2) are at the prospect of a sleepover at their GPs. (my MIL and DIL)
What does come across is me me me...not their needs; your needs actually.
Has it occurred to you that your son may benefit/enjoy the new experience of having a sleepover at family/friends?

Note I am not talking about babies staying overnight and OP I did say in my first post re: co sleeping and overnight that YANBU.

Oh and my username is pressingbuttons because that's what kids do to mums and dads - that's all. :)

Usualsuspect people are saying it because it's true. Scream away!

YANBU OP, she shouldn't be going against your rules anyway b

I generally have the 'my kids, my rules' saying.

It lasted all of two minutes with my own mum though, who just laughed and said 'they're at granny house now, so it's my rules here'. My own children sleep in their own beds when at our house but both of them sleep with my mum at her house. I would have no issue with my DCs sleeping in the beds of either of their grandparents.

However, as the OP's baby is just 3 months old, I don't think she is being that unreasonable in not wanting the baby in MIL's bed. Personally my DC didn't really sleep out until they were over a year old, and I felt more comfortable and less PFB about them being away, and being in their grandparents bed.

I am not sure if its a question of safety or if its a general right or wrong thing to do, I think it covers all aspects of another person looking after your child and doing something you are not happy with, be it sharing a bath ( my MIL did this with my DD altough I never do), giving them too many sweets, or keeping them up late etc etc.

Its down to you and your rights as a mother to say - I am not happy with this.

I have friends whose own mothers - happily follow the routine set up by their daughters for thier own babies, It may be " diffrent to what they did" but they respect that every mother has her own ideas and quirks with a child.

I dont get why MIL take this asking them to simply follow routine as an insult.

My MIL has always totally over ridden anything she has been asked to do routine wise, from sleeping to all sorts of things.

They are - our babies of course we feel upset when someone is doing something that we dont like or feel comfortable with. I know that my PIL would lie to me and say they would do X then totally ignore that.

If your lucky your DH will be the diplomat and kindly put it to her that its not something either of you want to encourage, you feel very very worrid about it - and wold rather they didnt share a bed!

Some of my best memories of my nana and grandad are of sleeping in the same bed, in the middle of them. It was extra special because it didn't happen at home, unless we were ill or whatever. All this your dcs your rules, but it their relationship with their gps and childhood memories. She obviously loves doing it, telling her brother he'll be able to do it one day.

I won't be having my DS sleep in our bed, as I think children should have their own bed and don't want bad habits to set in, so I don't see why it should be different for MIL

Probably been said, but the answer is because nan's are special and it's lovely to look back and say that you have had that relationship in your life. The value of extended family is to often over looked.

If you want total control over another living thing, buy a dog.

NotNiceWhenTired

Pressingbuttons - I disagree with your viewpoint though. If wanting to spend this precious time with MY son is selfish, then so be it. That's why I had him afterall. We do visit relatives regularly and when I have a need for someone to babysit, I will ask, so I'm not sure how this makes me controlling.

Op, remeber your MIL had her own time with her own children probably doing things her way. This is your time and you enjoy it, she has had her time and as harsh as it sounds, grandchildren really are a bonus. Lots of people dont see thier GC at all, or only see them once every few years.

You cant take them for granted and if your lucky enough to have one, to get on with DIL, to have them closih by, then just be grateful for that and all MIL should totally respect DIL wishes.

The problem is people, some DIL are going to be totally anal and strict and get up tight about the most minor thing, some MIL will do that.

My MIL, scrubs and washes my DD even on a short visit, will dress her in her clothes and wash all mine. Even if she hasnt seen her for a long time this is what she will do. I just cant accept this behaviour now my DD is getting older to know whats goings on.

There is usually an oak and a willow.

From personal experience as a willow to MIL oak, after 4.5 years, DD doesnt want to visit, I have had to bite my tongue about sleeping distruption, diet disruption, my DD coming back spouting all sorts of nonsense from her OCD cleaning obsessed Gran.

I tried to be laid back about it - taking into account all the reasonable views above, let them try something diff - be exposed to new stuff etc etc.

It has got me nowhere, MIL doesnt respect my wishes, she undermines me, she will not - bend in any way shape or form. My case though, DD doesnt like going there...

Enough is enough.

If I have a son I will try my best to get on with DIl and if she has a baby I will also totally respect her wishes as to how she wants to bring up her child. If I am doing something that is deeply upsetting her or worrying her - I will abstain from doing it - as its HER child not mine, and this is my time NOW with my OWN CHILD!!

Yanbu....and usual just because your GC have slept in YOUR bed, thaat doesn't mean ALL Mothers HAVE to allow this.

I certainly would not want my DC sleeping in bed with either of their grandmothers.

"Dueling and OP; age has nothing to do with it. I am a 'older mother' and love nothing more than see how excited my kids (4 and 2) are at the prospect of a sleepover at their GPs. (my MIL and DIL)
What does come across is me me me...not their needs; your needs actually.
Has it occurred to you that your son may benefit/enjoy the new experience of having a sleepover at family/friends? "

no it hasn't.
My son stays all day every Wednesday with my mum and loves it. I work full time and the evenings and weekends are about me, my husband and our son. We prefer to use those times to spend time together.

Thankfully my mum has never asked or wanted to have her grandchildren overnight. I wouldn't want to force him on her either.

Would you be suggesting that children who don't get the opportunity to stay overnight with family are somehow lacking something?

Like I said, for me personally I can't see a time when I would need overnight childcare and I wouldn't want to have my son stay overnight at such a young age - not least because he is still breastfeeding and co-sleeps with me and I don't think my mum would be anle to feed him in the night. He is 17 months and I intend to breastfeed for a while longer so things definitely won't change RE the sleeping arrangements for a while.