Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

wwyd, family and possible intervention by SS needed.

157 replies

laughlovelife · 14/05/2012 14:06

I have a family member who has 2 children under 8, the house for me is beyond livable, it is filthy, said family member sleeps on the couch as bedroom cannot be used, due to clothes, beer bottles, dirt, etc... so sleeps on the couch (all it needs is a good guttering/clean, but said member is far too lazy) The children have to share a single mattress as said member would rather spend her money on immaterial non essentials.

There is no food in the cupboards, children dont get fed in the house, they are dirty/smelly, (they dont get baths) live on takeaways, and by the looks of things, that's their only meal a day.

Stayed this weekend, at said members house, the quilt is disgusting, its yellow stained, actually scrub that its brown, its completely boggin, their was no soap, tooth brush, loo roll, the children are wiping themselves with their fingers, or using towels, the oldest child's mouth is ulcerated, however is getting dental treatment for it. The Kitchen is disgusting, takeaway cartons mouldy, no clean plates etc... the house is immacrated in dog hair also, and the dog lives in the kitchen.

SS I believe were involved a few weeks ago, however did not visit the home, they were involved I believe because the oldest was "self harming" this turned out to be false, and was I believe a skin condition.

They are in a different county for where I am, (still in the UK) the condition of the house was so bad that I had to check my family in a hotel, because we were given a single quilt for 4 of us, 2 adults and 2 children, it was filthy, and smelled of stake urine.

There is no talking to this family member they wont listen, said person is NOT depressed, its just complete laziness, they would rather watch TV than feed the children. (example, children last eat on the Saturday at 5pm, and did not again eat until 4.30pm the next day) where I took them to be fed. (chippy)

There is ALOT more to this, but that is my main concerns.

OP posts:
orangina · 14/05/2012 17:29

(rein it in lentilly fart)

bibbitybobbitybunny · 14/05/2012 17:29

Don't you think that last message to orangina was unnecessarily aggressive LentillyFart? Last time I looked this wasn't the Jeremy Kyle show.

LentillyFart · 14/05/2012 17:37

Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't.

Not the Jeremy Kyle show? Well I'll be damned. Thanks for pointing that out - I'd never have known!

OddBoots · 14/05/2012 17:43

Well done for passing the information on, I hope those poor children are helped very very soon.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 14/05/2012 17:58

Lentilly.
How much difference would a phone call made yesterday as opposed to one today have made?

Do you think SS have a batmobile? A red phone that alerts them to every child in need and a special squad ready and waiting to spring into action?

The OP is not as bad as the neglectful parents. She has reported a family member to SS which is no small thing to do.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/05/2012 18:02

Lentilly
"the futures of those children hang by a hair" - I think you are being overdramatic.

These children are being neglected, SS do need to be involved but they are not in all probability in imminent danger of serious harm in the 24 hours.

I know of a family member (x) who had to get social services involved with another close family member (y) and now has care of y's children. It was not an easy process and this was a case where a young child was at serious risk as y had a serious drug addiction. Its a huge step for a family member to take even if its the right thing to do.

OliviaLMumsnet · 14/05/2012 18:04

Ooh look! A timely link to the talk guidelines

lunar1 · 14/05/2012 18:12

Well done OP for getting help to the children. I imagine it was hard not to just run away with them but that wouldnt have helped anyone.

This way you keep on good terms with your sibling and keep a watchful eye that things are improving, if you went in all guns blazing your family member would never let you back in.

Heyyyho · 14/05/2012 18:15

"Sibling adores the children...".
I'm off

squeezed · 14/05/2012 18:22

Contacting SS isn't just about having children removed, its about finding out what is best for the children and giving any appropriate interventions. Without being a professional or working with the children I can't see how you could make a referral. However, you can always contact the local office and discuss concerns, even if this is to get support for the family. Regardless of how it happens it sounds like these children need to have their situation improved immediately.

Mosman · 14/05/2012 18:45

Do you think SS have a batmobile? A red phone that alerts them to every child in need and a special squad ready and waiting to spring into action?

I bet they've got one that alerts them to when mumsnet is off on one

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 14/05/2012 18:48

I have it on good authority that a whacking great bell goes off in SS central HQ when MN is off on one.

They also have regular MN drills.

Tru fact.

ragged · 14/05/2012 19:35

How can it possibly achieve nothing? if she tells ss the details of how these children are living then ss will have to act in some way, the dc will be better off, the house will be cleaner, there will be food or they will be taken elsewhere.

It doesn't have to work like that.
SS cannot just go on word of OP. They have to see for themselves (& rightly so). Suppose SS arrives unannounced & see the conditions. Assuming the mother lets them in, that is. She may turn them away & clean up & get food in before they have a chance to get in, or her neighbours may warn her that "the social" have been around.
Even supposing SS see things as they are, SS work with the mother because the children love her & whilst they are neglected, they neglect isn't horrific & there isn't active abuse. The children love that mother & they want to stay with her. Going into care is no picnic, SS doesn't like that option either, if they think mother can reform her ways.
The mother is a "good girl" & does what SS wants... for a while. Maybe even a long while. Or the mother makes excuses so SS don't ever see the conditions as bad as OP did. SS won't keep close tabs on her forever. Eventually she slips mostly back to her old ways. maybe there will be more food in the house, but it may not be that much cleaner.

Meanwhile OP's family completely side with the mother & against OP. OP loses her entire family over this. Maybe the neglectful mother falls out with her entire family, & loses what little support she ever had (this will not benefit her children).

There are even worse scenarios than all that.

Dropdeadfred · 14/05/2012 19:38

If her family would do that then they are not worth knowing

ragged · 14/05/2012 19:42

She could lie, say OP exaggerated, say OP has always had it in for her, say that OP should have asked family to intervene before calling SS, many would side with her on the last point, too.

Lilka · 14/05/2012 19:44

Think you are missing the point dropdeadfred

It's not about whether they are worth knowing or not. They have the children, OP can't help the children if she is totally cut off. FWIW, I think OP you are right to report it, and you are trying to do the right thing, and it's very hard. As it stands, maybe OP could offer to babysit or take the children out, so they are getting some meals and healthy adult interaction? I can't believe people are suggesting taking the children. OP has no legal authority of any kind. Mother could legally demand childrens return any time. Children would be in total limbo, being shoved between one caregiver and another, which is likely to be more damaging

Lilka · 14/05/2012 19:46

Oh sorry I see OP is a long way from the family. Scrap that suggestion then

Dropdeadfred · 14/05/2012 19:56

No I didn't mean losing contact with the sibling I meant the rest of the wider family

Tangointhenight · 14/05/2012 20:05

If it was my sibling I would give them a bollocking and slap their face and ring SS in front of them! Disgusting and totally vile to have children living like this!!

DaenerysTargaryen · 14/05/2012 20:07

Well I couldn't and haven't left children in that situation (not having a pop at op she doesn't live nearby) mother might call police, police see house, police call ss.

TeaTeaLotsOfTea · 14/05/2012 20:10

I've known children to be removed easily for the condition on that house and the parents will be prosecuted for child neglect possible endangerment.

That is what they are doing.

Call SS now!!!

theonewiththenoisychild · 14/05/2012 20:11

Ss sounds like the only option if you cant speak to this person. The children cant live like that

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 14/05/2012 20:17

Tango
Then the children would lose possibly the only family advocates they have.
Do you think the self righteousness feeling would be a decent pay off for that?
I don't.
A bit of care and consideration could mean the difference between staying in those children's lives if they are removed and never seeing them again.

MarianneM · 14/05/2012 20:54

This reminds me of the Tiffany Wright case - the extended family members all knew/suspected something was wrong but did nothing.

OP, why do you need to phone a friend or get her to ring the children's school - are you sure they are going to deal with this properly?

Just ring SS!

I can't believe you are more concerned about keeping up appearances with your lovely-sounding family!

crashdoll · 14/05/2012 21:08

I don't think that getting the school involved would be viable - they are not allowed to discuss pupils with people other than their legal guardians without consent from the guardians. Think it's to do with data protection.

This is wrong. Schools can and do act without permission. An example; if a child discloses serious information, the parents won't be hauled in and told before the police and/or SS are called. Please don't anyone read this and think that reporting concerns means guardians have to be told before they can act.