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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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wwyd, family and possible intervention by SS needed.

157 replies

laughlovelife · 14/05/2012 14:06

I have a family member who has 2 children under 8, the house for me is beyond livable, it is filthy, said family member sleeps on the couch as bedroom cannot be used, due to clothes, beer bottles, dirt, etc... so sleeps on the couch (all it needs is a good guttering/clean, but said member is far too lazy) The children have to share a single mattress as said member would rather spend her money on immaterial non essentials.

There is no food in the cupboards, children dont get fed in the house, they are dirty/smelly, (they dont get baths) live on takeaways, and by the looks of things, that's their only meal a day.

Stayed this weekend, at said members house, the quilt is disgusting, its yellow stained, actually scrub that its brown, its completely boggin, their was no soap, tooth brush, loo roll, the children are wiping themselves with their fingers, or using towels, the oldest child's mouth is ulcerated, however is getting dental treatment for it. The Kitchen is disgusting, takeaway cartons mouldy, no clean plates etc... the house is immacrated in dog hair also, and the dog lives in the kitchen.

SS I believe were involved a few weeks ago, however did not visit the home, they were involved I believe because the oldest was "self harming" this turned out to be false, and was I believe a skin condition.

They are in a different county for where I am, (still in the UK) the condition of the house was so bad that I had to check my family in a hotel, because we were given a single quilt for 4 of us, 2 adults and 2 children, it was filthy, and smelled of stake urine.

There is no talking to this family member they wont listen, said person is NOT depressed, its just complete laziness, they would rather watch TV than feed the children. (example, children last eat on the Saturday at 5pm, and did not again eat until 4.30pm the next day) where I took them to be fed. (chippy)

There is ALOT more to this, but that is my main concerns.

OP posts:
gnocci · 14/05/2012 14:41

Good lord :(

YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 14/05/2012 14:43

you walked out to stay in a hotel and left the children in that state with no food?

and now you are asking if you should call SS?

so the house was too disgusting for you and your children but ok for the others who have to live there every day?

FFS

CurrySpice · 14/05/2012 14:43

Oh those poor kids :( I acn only imagine how I would feel if my nieces / nephews were living like that. I wouldn't be able to stand by and do nothing

Good luck - I don't envy you this on any level

Heyyyho · 14/05/2012 14:44

Jesus. What is wrong with you!?

Sorry ... But !!!! Agh

QuintessentialShadows · 14/05/2012 14:44

speak to SS. That is what you should do.

I cant believe you booked into a hotel and left her children living like this.

It is not just neglect. It is abuse.

Dropdeadfred · 14/05/2012 14:44

They are your niece/nephew and you left them in a house with no food and wiping themselves with their fingers after using the toilet... Jeez you really must be worried about 'implications' I'm shocked beyond anything I've Ever read on here

DaenerysTargaryen · 14/05/2012 14:44

I would have taken them with me when I left! (Which would have been pretty much 5 minutes after I'd arrived if its as bad as you say)

I've removed a child from a family member a few times now so I know how hard it is but imagine if it were your children living like that. :(

Notcontent · 14/05/2012 14:45

I think in general people are too relaxed about neglect. There is never any excuse for children going without food, wearing dirty clothes, etc.

laughlovelife · 14/05/2012 14:46

"i would not have left the children in that condition.. sibling or not..i would have took them with me, told her to clean up and called SS there and then!

you cant leave them like that!"

Yes and be charged with kidnapping Hmm, do you think we have not told this sibling, we have spoken till we are out of breath and voice, my family member has given up cleaning the house for her, which we paid for to be decorated from top to bottom. However family member couldn't cope with the work load.

If you read I was at a hotel, it has only came to light for me, how bad things are, being told, and witnessing it first hand. I do not live in the same country, as them, I am only processing this information, after only 24 hours, I returned to my country this AM.

OP posts:
soverylucky · 14/05/2012 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Olympia2012 · 14/05/2012 14:49

Op... Course you couldn't take them with you. Posters suggesting this are not thinking clearly! You are doing the right thing by raising the alarm to authorities

Dropdeadfred · 14/05/2012 14:49

You said you stayed at a hotel after you were all offered a urine stained duvet.... So you must have known how bad it was then!!!
What are the implications you are worrying about???? Even if those kids are taken into care it has to be an improvement for them!!!

DaenerysTargaryen · 14/05/2012 14:50

Ok, now you've processed this information are you going to call ss? Don't get defensive, you asked for advice and people are shocked that seemingly nothing is being done, I think you should definitely call ss now.

laughlovelife · 14/05/2012 14:50

Half the info has came from a family member, I have not witnessed the loo wiping etc... have seen that there is no toiletries in the house etc...

SS have previously been involved, a few times, but still the care of the children remains the same.

all the FFS etc... really isnt helpful, dont be blaming me, or saying what the fook did I let this happen, I didn't know this was happening, all of this is just 24 hours old for me.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 14/05/2012 14:51

But now that you know, give the ss a call and tell them what you have witnessed, and also what you have been told.

HandMadeTail · 14/05/2012 14:51

Please call them.

laughlovelife · 14/05/2012 14:53

I dont want to be defensive but the comments, saying why did I allow this to happen, why did I leave the children etc... isn't helpful, I have already said I dont live in the same country as them.

Im waiting for a phonecall of a friend, (just called her) (children's social worker) as I took photos of the house, she is in a meeting, and is calling me back, as Ive sent her the photos and have said what is the next step, as I also have the school number.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/05/2012 14:53

if all of this is only 24 hours old to you, then how the hell can you say it is just laziness?

YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag · 14/05/2012 14:53

It's not a case of you should have taken them with you, you should have called SS and not walked out to stay in a nice hotel because the house was too disgusting

It doesnt matter where you live, you couldn't bear to stay there, but you still haven't done anything about it.

You really can't justify that can you?

DaenerysTargaryen · 14/05/2012 14:53

I am thinking very clearly olympia and as I said have done so myself. I thought op was in another county not country, obviously it wasn't possible for her to take them in this situation.

Heyyyho · 14/05/2012 14:53

So what are you going to do?

Heyyyho · 14/05/2012 14:54

X posted

SarahStratton · 14/05/2012 14:55

So where has the rest of the family been meanwhile? The family hasn't got into that state overnight, or in the space of a few weeks? :(

QuintessentialShadows · 14/05/2012 14:55

The op says "They are in a different county for where I am, (still in the UK)"

I also took that to mean they were in the UK, but in a different county.

TroublesomeEx · 14/05/2012 14:56

laughlovelife Ok. I understand that family members have already tried to help her and that hasn't worked. so other people are aware it is an issue.

People on here are telling you what you need to do and they are all right.

You must make a referral. Someone must make the first move and the more people who don't, the less likely it is that someone will - bystander effect and all that.

Those children need someone looking out for them.

Sometimes schools don't refer because they think they can manage the fact the children turn up unfed and in dirty clothes in school (sometimes TAs will help the children to wash, dress them in clean spares and take the children to get toast from the kitchen) but they don't necessarily realise that what they are seeing is the tip of the iceberg and they don't refer because they feel that it would be disloyal to the family.

The result?

The children grow up in vile conditions, whilst all through their lives adults (who could have changed it for them) pitied them, criticised the parents and yet did nothing to change it for them.

What are you going to do?

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